You're Going to be Okay...A Bookshelf Reminder

Aside from work, I have been laying pretty low lately. My body is still recovering, and emotionally, being in groups is difficult right now. I struggle to accept the “nothing but love” that is showered upon me in the presence of large numbers. It’s overwhelming.

Over the last few days, I have been reminded of the importance of human interaction and establishing normalcy. I’ve had flashbacks to the darkest time in my life up to this point and I know the signs of depression. I also know interventions and positive steps towards not falling into such a despondent state. I learned during that time, while some quiet and solitude can be healthy, complete isolation is not. Trouble comes when you cannot bring yourself to do the things you used to love.

 This past week I forced myself to attend my infertility support group meeting. My co-leader led the meeting, which was greatly appreciated. We only had a couple ladies attend this month, but even that was a bit challenging for me from a social standpoint. This isn’t me. I don’t shy away from my ministry. I don’t avoid those that I love…but right now it is just so hard.

 On Friday, I attempted a little “me time.” My husband had the kids and I was completely on my own. Truth be told, I wanted to go home, crawl under the covers and go to sleep. It would be easier than trying to stop myself from crying in public. However, healing does not come through avoidance.

I decided to visit a bookstore. I sat in the car for a few minutes getting a game plan in mind. My friend from back home had recommended a book that she felt might help me through some of this season. I knew where the Christian book section was in the store and I did not figure I’d have to be in there long to find it. I got out of the car and made my way towards the entrance. I’m still a little slow in the going so thank you, sir, in the idling car who patiently waited for me to cross the walkway.

I entered the store and the tempting scent of coffee wafted around me. I almost opted for a cup but I was on a mission. I went straight to the section that would hopefully house the book I had come for. I began skimming the titles/authors in search of the book. I found the book and took a closer look. Something in me seemed to say that this was not what I needed “right now”. I said a silent prayer. I asked for direction because there was this nagging feeling…a feeling that there was something else I had come for. I became teary as I read through various titles, all seeming wrong. I felt like there was something I was supposed to see, but I just wasn’t seeing it.

I found myself alone in the isle. I was confronted with hundreds of titles, most containing promises of healing, ways to know the love of Jesus, etc. I stood there uncertain of exactly what I needed. In a brief, silent heart’s cry, I begged the Lord to let me know that I was going to be okay. I needed to know that I would make it through this and His purpose would be fulfilled through the circumstances.

I lifted my eyes and they immediately fell upon one title. It was a single copy pressed against the left hand side of the book shelf. Bright, distractingly colored copies of other titles beckoned for attention but my focus was on this one title…

You’re Going to Be Okay

I’ve labeled this experience as divine intervention. So many times over the last week and a half, God has revealed Himself in ways that could never lend themselves to just mere coincidence. God has proven Himself good. He has proven Himself gracious. He has provided. He has calmed and embraced me with His peace and here, once again, in a weary, tear stained moment, He responded.

My heart’s cry: Will I ever be okay? His response: You’re going to be okay.

 The Lord will guide you continually, giving you water when you are dry and restoring your strength.

Isaiah 58:11

I bought the book. I have since been diving into its print. It is filled with biblical truth and wisdom. The words jump from the page and straight to my heart. I believe, without a doubt, that this book was meant for me. It is a tangible way for God to reach me. I express myself best through the written word and likewise, I respond well to it.

This ordinary moment in time has made an extraordinary mark on my heart. God continues to respond to the cries of my heart. He continues to make His involvement known. While right now I do not know exactly how He’ll pull us all through this, I know undeniably that He will. His purpose will be fulfilled. His plan will be accomplished…and I will be okay.

 The Lord says, “I will guide you along the best pathway for your life. I will advise you and watch over you."

Psalm 32:8

*The book that I have been led to read is titled You’re Going to BeOkay: Encouraging Truth Your Heart Needs to Hear, Especially on the Hard Daysby Holley Gerth. I was in no way compensated for this post. Its mention was made on my own accord. However, from what I have read so far, whatever season, no matter how bright or dark, this book is a wonderful, timely read.

When God Uses the Unimaginable

There are terrible life experiences that we would deem unimaginable…unfathomable. We see them on the news, we read them in the paper, and we hear them spread around small towns. Sometimes we know the people. Sometimes we don’t. But what happens when it is you? What happens when you experience the unimaginable?

 I’m processing this very thing right now.

 When I accepted Christ at 7 years old, I knew I loved Jesus. When I recommitted my life at the age of 13 I was on fire for Jesus. I wanted God to use me in big ways to grow the Kingdom. This desire to reach others for Christ led me to being active in my church’s youth/college group, on mission trips, camp counseling and eventually youth ministry. I still get teary at the announcement of someone’s salvation and I often cry at baptisms. To see others recognize their need and love of the Lord overwhelms my heart.

 A while back I recognized that this fire had quieted some. I had become comfortable in my own little world, raising my kids, being a wife, and living out our plans as a family. We’ve kept Christ in our lives and we actively teach our children about His goodness. However, I realized that I was personally becoming a little lukewarm. I’d become very comfortable in letting others do Kingdom work that I could be doing. I asked God to draw me closer to Him. I asked Him to help me help others come to know Him.

“It is God who is at work in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure.”

Philippians 2:13

He has since responded and it has come through an unimaginable tragedy. The story is one that I  can’t emotionally share at this time but know that it has already etched itself into my testimony. Testimonies are meant to be shared and when the time is right, I’ll be able to do so. Until then, I will remain sifting through the pieces, the emotions and my purpose.

Many are the plans in a person's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails.

Proverbs 19:21

 For those who know of the situation, they, like myself, struggle to fathom how it has all come to be. I’ve stopped asking the “why” questions. I do not need those answers and most of the questions that I have posed up to this point have been answered through God’s divine intervention. As time continues on, I hear more and more about how God is using this devastation to further the Kingdom. Hearts are being won for Christ.  While I do not understand the why or what of it all, I do understand that God is using this for good. He is using the pain for His glory and people are being led to salvation. Eyes are being opened. Families are reconnecting. Prayer lives are being rekindled. Appreciation of others is extending. His grace is abounding. His peace is reaching realms beyond our understanding.

 So what do I do and what can I recommend you do when God allows the unimaginable to cause pain?

I suggest, as I am, that you allow Him to heal you.

He heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds.

Psalm 147:3

 The pain comes in waves, both physical and emotional. The ache for wholeness is sometimes overwhelming, but it means we are alive. It means our purpose has not been fulfilled. There is still something left for us to do. In my situation, this carries great weight. The extremes that God has used to reach others and change me often leaves me speechless…but only because I know that if He is willing to put me through this, He has something much greater in store. The devastation is not a result of a lack of love. It is not a result of anyone’s disobedience. It is a result of a fallen world and God’s desire to bring us back to Him. Do not stay angry. Do not disconnect. Hold tight to the Healer. Allow Him to embrace you when you ache. Allow your heart to pour out the words that your mouth cannot utter.

I lift my hands to you in prayer. I thirst for you as parched land thirsts for rain.

Psalm 143:6

 When we accept Christ that means we accept His purpose for us. We can never fully know what He has in store for us…how He’ll use us. It may not be in the way we’d wish it, but I know without a doubt that it will result in things far better than we could hope for. His will is perfect. His love for us is vast. His grace is sufficient.

 “…Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” 

Matthew 11:28-29

In those things, we must rest when we experience the unimaginable. Allow yourself to be held.

linking up with Mommy Moments

Monthly Weight Loss Update June 2016

Here I am, 4 months in to this new WOE. I can honestly say, that despite the occasional challenges, I am honestly liking. I like how I feel. I like how I am beginning to look. I like the food. I like that I am not hungry.

This is truly a way of life for me.

::via::

This month was a little slow going in the way of weight loss, but overall, I am still pleased with what is taking place. I had a few more splurge days than normal and I know that is where my downfall lies. I'm still trying to master eating out...and even though we do not eat out often, it remains a challenge for me. I also struggle some when we go to the homes of friends or family to eat. Because what I am doing has nothing to do with allergies, people aren't as aware of what is best for me to eat. I make due and if I am able to contribute to the meal, I try to ensure that I bring something that I know I can enjoy without exceeding my carb limit.

This month did result in some changes...

I am down 3.8lbs from last month which puts me at a total loss of 23.8lbs. I'm down a total of 5.5 inches overall. I can tell this primarily in my chest and waist.

I continue to experiment with different recipes. I always try them out with my husband and daughter, and thankfully, most of them have been family approved. This is very important considering I am making this a lifestyle.

Over the last month or so, I have had a couple of friends/family members jump on board. I love having the support. We share recipes, frustrations and successes. I really encourage you to find the right kind of support if you are going this route. My goal is to have my husband join me on this journey but I have not quite convinced him to do so yet. Fingers crossed.

I am continually reminded that when this change is hard, I am doing it for a better quality of life. My God has already numbered my days, but I want to care for myself and make each one of those count. I'm learning how not to allow my "messy days" to take over all the good I've accomplished. A couple steps back will not keep me going backwards. Thanks again to all of you who continue to walk this journey with me and encourage me along the way.

Linking up for Mommy Moments

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When You're Not a Mom on Mother's Day

This quote popped up on my TimeHop app the other morning and as soon as I read it, I knew exactly why I had shared it.

The quote came during a time in our infertility struggle that I was losing hope, tired of the fight and could only hope, pray and dream that one day Mother's Day would hold a new meaning for me. Of course I celebrated my amazing mother. I would not be who I am without her...but as I sat in the church pew that Mother's Day morning, I could only think about how much my heart ached to be a mother. I was not envious of the flowers or cards. I was not jealous of the recognition. I was sad. My heart longed to know motherhood.

That Mother's Day came and went. I shed the same tears that I had shed the year before and I prayed desperately for the Lord to answer my prayers. To our unexpected joy and delight, He did answer that prayer later that year.

I'll never forget the moment I held our little girl for the first time. It was at that moment that I knew everyday would be Mother's Day. I would celebrate this joy forever. The Lord had heard my prayer and answered my request with a blessing beyond our dreams.

Mother's Day 2013

As I type this, I am currently 31 weeks pregnant with another miracle...another answer to prayer. We ran into similar issues in trying to conceive this sweet little boy and I cherish God's blessing. I rejoice in what He has done. As my heart rejoices over this little life that is growing inside of me and over the fiery redheaded little girl that calls me "Mommy", I cannot help but remember those years of longing and sadness...those years my heart felt so empty on Mother's Day.

For those of you who find yourselves feeling that same ache and feeling that same frustration, remember you are not alone. While you stare longingly at the little ones around you, remember that there is a special plan for your life. I had to be reminded of that daily. I also had to be reminded that God has great plans for the little lives that He brings into this world and that those lives will be conceived in the womb and delivered into the world at His appointed time for His miraculous purpose. While these truths are real and are meant to be reassuring, we won't always feel their comfort.

I say these things to encourage you to not lose hope. Open your heart to what God has for you and daily prepare yourself to accept His blessing when it comes. Be open to how He may bring children into your home. Our sweet little ones don't always come from our own wombs.

I say these things to also remind you that just because you are not a mom (yet) on Mother's Day does not make you any less of a woman. You were designed with a purpose and your story is far from over. It took me a long time to grasp that God was developing and furthering a part of my testimony that would later used to help others. I have since been able to share my battles of infertility and the hope that the Lord gives in the midst of the ache with others. I have seen God fill wombs that once were barren. I have cried and laughed with women who never thought joy could be found in such a painful plight.  I have seen true miracles occur and I have seen what faith can do.

May 2015
 

Mourn this Mother's Day if you must. It's okay, but please, please don't lose hope. Find a way to keep looking forward. Keep dreaming. Embrace the now while anticipating the future. Your miracle may be just a moment away...

 

Linking Up for Mommy Moments

Accept the Unexpected

It’s never easy to accept or admit moments of weakness. I think we as Christian women often hold ourselves to higher than necessary expectations. We all feel we must “do it all”. I am a planner and when my plans fail, I feel that failure as a mighty sting.

One of my biggest frustrations as of late is the whole house issue. We bought land last September and our dreams of building our new home seem so close and yet so far away. We initially had the plan to place our house for sale at the beginning of April. Prior to that time, I was diagnosed with placenta previa and this limited my ability to do various things around the house. There is painting, sanding, packing, etc. and I can only do so much. You add this to our work schedules and third trimester pregnancy and well…progress has slowed greatly.

We also had plans to move our boxed items to the place we hoped to stay during the time our house is being built. This also recently fell through.  It’s no longer available. Now we’re trying to figure out what to do next…

Plans. Good in theory it seems.

I’ve had a hard time trying to get excited about redoing our daughter’s room into a gender friendly toddler room/nursery. I’ve dealt with so much guilt over this because I was so pumped to complete our daughter’s nursery prior to her birth. There are days when I just don’t know where to begin, what to let go, and when to ask for help.

As always, despite my feelings and circumstances, God is working. He has recently been pushing through this muck that I feel so stuck in and He is helping me work my way into clear waters of redemption. Here is what He’s helping me see thus far…

-It’s not just my circumstances that He is working on. I know that the Lord is doing great things in our lives, but it’s not just my life that he is orchestrating. I’ve been thinking of reasons why the house timing keeps getting postponed. I believe God is helping our current home’s future owners become prepared for our home’s sale. I believe He is allowing more time for us to get done what we need to get done. I believe He has another option for us when it comes to where we’ll live during our building process (FYI-we can’t just rent anywhere because we have 4 dogs and 2 cats.)

-I need to be present now. Our little girl just turned 2 and the fact that these last two years have gone by so quickly makes me realize the importance of truly living in the moment. I’ll never get these days back. With that in mind, it’s also important that I continue to savor the months of my pregnancy. The reality of our infertility issues has meant that both of our children are unlikely blessings. The Lord has proven that He is bigger than these circumstances and has graced our lives with a beautiful little girl and come this summer, we’ll have a darling little boy. The stress that I’ve had over trying to get the house together and my guilt over the nursery has taken a turn. I don’t feel as pressured to put a “For Sale” sign in our yard (although I eagerly await the day) and I’m beginning to enjoy the nursery re-do. I’ve actually determined a theme and color scheme.

-He will always provide. The month of April has hit our budget in some hard, unexpected ways. I’ve not had a month this tight in a very long time. It began with me missing an email from my student loan company indicating that my graduated loan repayment was going up…$300+ more. That was a heart stopper when I checked my account. Then, about a week and a half later our German Shepherd came down with his seasonal skin condition. His skin develops a type of yeast infection at least twice a year when the seasons change. There is nothing we can do to prevent it. We just know that we’ll have to take him to the vet, have him checked out and then give him medication for a couple of weeks. However, to add to this, our sweet Maggie dog was unexplainably injured (we still don’t know for sure how it happened) and her vet visit resulted in sedation, stitches and antibiotics. Crazy. By the end of these two weeks we were out about $1000. While the amount is still hard to stomach and my bank account has not looked this sad in quite a while, the Lord has provided. I was still able to plan and throw our daughter an adorable 2^nd birthday, as well as make our ends meet this month. I could not have done it without the Lord’s provision and long-term planning (just one more reason why savings are so important!)

-I am enough. I still struggle with this. I have felt like such an epic failure lately and my frustration level has been maxed. I want to be the best mom to my kid, the best wife to my husband, the best teacher/employee and the best friend that anyone could have…but there is a reality. I can never be the best. I can only do my best and this is where God’s grace has really been evident. He is giving me grace in the moments of my inadequacy. He has made me enough to be all of these things and all that is expected is for me to be the best of these that I can be. I am learning how to not hold myself to others’ standards and I’m learning to accept the unexpected.

If you find yourself dealing with similar feelings, join me in hanging up preconceived ideas. Cling to God’s goodness and accept His grace. Treasure the moments of the here and now. Embrace the things we can’t control as stepping stones to something greater. There is a time for all things and His plan will always be better than our own.

Link up

A Time for Everything

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It's been a week of highs and lows...

Let me start from the beginning. Last weekend, after yet another agonizing and yet promising TWW, we discovered that we were once again not pregnant. You would think after continuous months of negatives that I'd be numb or would have found a better way to cope...but nope. I let my hopes fade and the tears fall. Crying is truly therapeutic.

That same weekend I spent a wonderful time with my friend and her daughter at a fall festival and celebrated the birth of our dear friends' little boy. These were such good moments.

These moments were soon overshadowed by some heartbreaking news. My husband's best friend (since elementary school) and his wife lost their 3 month old son to SIDS. I got a call from my husband on Tuesday. He rarely calls up to work but I didn't immediately think anything was wrong. He then proceeded to tell me the tragic news. I could not wrap my brain around it. My heart was and remains so grieved for this family.

Thursday night we went to the Family Visitation at the funeral home. It was seriously one of the saddest experiences I've ever had. I had no words of comfort. I prayed continually as we waited in line to speak to the family. I whispered words to the Heavens as I watched the child's mother stare longingly at the picture slide show as the father took the condolences. I will never forget the pain I saw in his eyes as my husband went up to him and hugged him. As I watched these two strong men cry together my heart broke even more.

I took off work on Friday to attend the graveside service.

The drizzle and drear seemed appropriate for the emotions of the day. We watched as the father carried his son's casket to the area where the service would be held. We gripped each others hands as the mother and remaining immediate family walked past us with tears in their eyes. I looked around at people, bringing love and support for this family, and thought how amazing it was that this tiny little life had touched so many. The service was as sweet as one could be under the circumstances and the message of God's goodness, grace and mercy were woven throughout. The beautiful truth for those who have Christ as their Savior is that death is not the end. I remember that as the service was ending and we all stood in silence, the clouds gave way to sunlight. I couldn't help but think that it was God's way of reiterating that there are still good things to come. While it may take a lot of time for this promise to become a comfort, it is my prayer that it will become just that.

I share this for several reasons.

First, this past week has been a major struggle and I've relied so heavily on my God for understanding, comfort, wisdom and discernment. It is my belief our friends' little one's 103 days on earth were purposeful and that his death, regardless how unfair it seems to our earthly minds, will indefinitely make an impact in Heaven. His passing has drawn me to the Lord in ways that I have not visited in a very long time.

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Secondly, I have delved into the truths found in God's Word for comfort. I've been connecting with God on a whole new level while dealing with our infertility. This connection has only deepened as I've sought after the Lord during this time of darkness. I desperately want to serve as a light for this grieving family and can only do so through His strength, because lets face it, I've been crying on and off since Tuesday and without His help, I'd be no good for anyone.

Lastly, I share this because I want you to hug your little ones a little tighter. Remember that these angels are granted to us to care for, lead, guide and raise in a way that will set them apart and bring glory to God. Love your children fiercely. Appreciate every moment. Get over the messes and embrace them. Every fingerprint, every Cheerio underfoot is something to appreciate.

I know this wasn't an easy read and I appreciate you bearing with me. Please keep our friends in your prayers. The days, weeks, months and years will continue to bring pain with each first that "should have been" and every holiday to come.

Linking up with Leslyn

Fire Starter

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This isn't my typical Oh Hey Friday. This past week I accepted a challenge that was given during our youth sermon. It was called the 5 Tongue Challenge...you may be thinking this is an odd title but hang with me. The point behind this is that the words we say hold so much power. We can build up or break down. We can help or harm. The fact is, we have to control what comes out of our mouths. As Christians this is extremely important. We are living examples of what Christ can do with a life and it is our job to grow the Kingdom. How can we contribute to the growth of Heaven if we are continually harming our testimonies, shadowing the glory given to God, and turning others away from instead of towards Jesus?

 

Think about it...

 

"But a tiny spark can set a great forest on fire. And among all the parts of the body, the tongue is a flame of fire. It is a whole world of wickedness, corrupting your entire body. It can set your whole life on fire, for it is set on fire by hell itself.

 

 People can tame all kinds of animals, birds, reptiles, and fish, but no one can tame the tongue. It is restless and evil, full of deadly poison. Sometimes it praises our Lord and Father, and sometimes it curses those who have been made in the image of God. And so blessing and cursing come pouring out of the same mouth. Surely, my brothers and sisters, this is not right!"

 James 3:5b-10

Who knew we were all a bunch of forest fires just waiting to spark?! Here's the catch. A fire burns recklessly unless contained. Being married to a firefighter has well versed me in the characteristics of fire. While it's true that fire is often seen as destructive, there are times in which fire is necessary for growth. This is the mentality we need to have with spreading "the fire" through encouragement. Ok, now that you've wondered where I'm going with this, here is the challenge that followed the devotion on Wednesday. (I was granted permission to share this with you and it is my hope that you'll catch the flame.)

With this challenge there are 5 (here's the famous Friday five you've been waiting for) challenges that you attempt to complete in a week. The challenge was presented in a type of journal format so that we could all keep track of our specifics. I'll do my best to have the same layout for you. I hope you'll join us in this challenge...and it is my belief that if you do, you'll see blessings abound.

5 Tongue Challenge

1. Give someone at school an encouraging word this week.
    Who: ____________________
    When: ___________________
    Describe: ______________________________________________________________

2. Give a family member an encouraging word this week.
    Who: ____________________
    When: ___________________
    Describe: ______________________________________________________________

3. Give someone an encouraging word on some social media site this week.
    Who: ____________________
    When: ___________________
    Describe: ______________________________________________________________

4. Leave gossip in the dust, or stand up for someone in a positive way this week.
   Who: ____________________
    When: ___________________
    Describe: ______________________________________________________________

5. Most Important! Praise, worship, talk to (pray, read the Bible) God every day!
    Describe one time: _______________________________________________________

Be a fire starter this week. Ready? Set...Go!

Linking up with The Farmer's Wife



Infertility Hurdles: The Company You Keep

From a recent bible study session I had a pretty big epiphany. All that I've been through up to this point (and all that I will go through) is necessary. Necessary. That word causes a major sense of bitterness at the sound. Doctor appointments: necessary. Less dairy (and most of the foods I love): necessary. Blood work: necessary. Medication: necessary. Screaming into a pillow: necessary. There are a lot of unpleasant "necessary" moments in the Land of Infertility. Rarely do I ever consider these things good...that was until recently.

It's easy to settle into a place of constant bitterness and sadness.

You want more than anything to have what others have. The constant "why can she and not me?" question permanently embeds itself in your mind.

I suppose this idea of "necessary" has been an area of struggle for me for quite some time. I know God has a plan for my life but why? Why am I going through this? I'm young. I'm stable. I have so much love to give...why is this part of my journey so necessary?

I know now...well, actually I now accept, that I need to turn my thoughts of necessary around. Had I not previously gone through this journey I would not have any experience in order to relate to those women who are also battling infertility. I would not have found some of the friends I have found through various support groups if I had not been diagnosed with PCOS. This second time around has not been any easier to accept. However, had I not begun this journey again I would not have felt led to start an infertility related bible study. I would not have connected with some amazing women on the sweetest of faith based levels. My faith would not have been challenged in this way and I would not know God's goodness the way I know it now.

When surrounding yourself with support through the journey (and you should), be sure you are careful of the company you keep. Try to surround yourself with positive people. While the journey is hard, you don't want people that will feed into your bitterness. You need to seek out those who still have optimism, who still have hope and will still support you when circumstances turn. Infertility is difficult enough without constantly focusing on all that is not going right.

The women that I am currently going through this study with definitely fit the bill. We all laugh together. We cry. We hope. We dream. We cling to a God who knows our hearts and has brought us together to serve as tangible examples of His love for us. I've challenged all of us to change our view of "necessary". We all also accepted the challenge, regardless of what our heads tell us, to change our thoughts from "I doubt it happened this cycle" to "I claim this cycle and consider myself PUPO (Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise) during the TTW." Hope is what we have. Faith is what we cling to and His grace is how we survive.

Just a side note...when it comes to the company you keep, consider the relationship and comfort level that you have with your doctor.  Some women decide to go with a specialist.  Find one that meets your needs and suits your personality and goals. If you're like me and various reasons hinder the use of a specialist,  work with a doctor that works with your particular condition.  A lot of doctors are familiar with my PCOS but I had to change practices in order to find a doctor that knew how to treat it and could give me reasons why they were choosing the types of treatment that they were suggesting. You are your best advocate.

I hope that no matter what you're going through you'll accept that no matter how difficult the journey, each moment is necessary.

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Monthly Weight Loss Update

Well, August has been another month of maintenance. I still weigh less than I have in over 5 years but I still have a ways to go. It's definitely been a journey. 

September is PCOS Awareness Month and I'm no stranger to the struggles it can bring. I was diagnosed in 2011, although looking back the symptoms were evident even in my teens. Before my diagnosis I was unaware that there was a "real" problem. My symptoms were my "normal" and no one had ever told me different.  As a teen I was told things would eventually even out or that some things are just genetic. No to the first and yes to the second. While looking at me you would never guess the battles I face...this is true for most women with PCOS.

We get pretty good at wearing smiles. I generally pride myself in being open and honest but this is one area of my life that I've kept pretty quiet until recently.  In order for me to not deal with this alone and to offer support to others I've had to learn how to talk about it. One of the hardest things to talk about aside from our infertility struggles is that of my weight/weight loss.

PCOS...it makes it so much more difficult to lose the weight. My doctor sympathized and was pleased with my progress at my annual exam. She encouraged me to keep going...even though she knows I'm up against a lot. Unfortunately I have to work a lot harder than most at losing the weight thanks to the way my body breaks down the food I eat and produces insulin. This in turn causes various hormone imbalances that lead to weight gain and/or difficulty losing weight and in my case, infertility. There is always something out of whack.

However, I refuse to use that as an excuse. I know I need to amp up the exercise and continue adding more fruits and veggies to my diet...because when you hit a plateau, that means you are in need of a change.


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August held a lot of highs and lows. We made an offer that was accepted on a piece of property with a beautiful view. We'll be signing on the dotted line tomorrow and then we can really begin planning our forever home. This has been a wonderful distraction from the disappointment of yet another unsuccessful month of trying to conceive. From a health perspective, I'm waiting to hear from my doctor about our next step. I've also been checking with my insurance on what they offer in regards to a dietitian. I've found a local dietitian who has worked specifically with women with PCOS. I'm hoping something will work out. I feel like I'm at the point where I could really benefit from an expert's advice.

With all of that being said, I'm trying to make some changes this month. I'm not a huge snacker but I definitely did my fair share over this past month. I'm a stress eater and with work beginning again and some of the other things we've had going on...I've not always considered all that has made its way to my mouth.

Being at work has definitely helped with my snacking issue, but I also need to focus on snacks that work for me, not against me. One of my friends gave me a great suggestion for my sweet tooth. Chocolate milk is seriously one of my most favorite sweets. Milk, while good for you, can hold a ton of calories...and then when you add the chocolate...well, you might as well have just had dessert. She recommended I try dark chocolate almond milk. I've converted to almond milk and must say I really like it. I've used it in both my cereal and baking/cooking and don't notice a major difference and with the low calorie/high nutrition content, I feel good about my choice. Now back to the sweet stuff. The dark chocolate almond milk is A.MAZ.ING! It tastes delicious and for 100 calories I can enjoy a full glass without the guilt. (I've only tried the Silk brand...and I've not been endorsed to recommend it.)

I hope to have better news in my next weight loss post. I've got the reasons for motivation, I've just got to get my act back together. I've only got this one life. I need to live it right and care for the skin I'm in.

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What are some of your healthy, go-to snacks? I'm looking for grab and go...

Linking up with Home of Malones

Thoughts for Thursday

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I had something completely different prepared for today, but last night my heart was led in another direction. I was reading through the end of One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp and I suddenly had to pause as my eyes soaked in this verse...

"I will bless you...and you will be a blessing."

Genesis 12:2 (emphasis mine)

Today I'll be saying goodbye to my sweet summer and begin the tasks of a teacher once again. This summer has been filled with odds and ends, both family and work related, and while there were some long days, these last couple of months have gone by in the blink of an eye. Suddenly the fact that life is truly but a vapor made a solid connection with my heart. I got to thinking (which isn't that what Thoughts for Thursday is all about?) about the immeasurable blessings that I have received, not just over the last couple of months, but years, and then daily. Every day I am blessed to an incomprehensible degree.  

Just take a look...

A best friend who'll run after my dreams with me...

I get to be married to the man who truly is my best friend, the love of my life and a dream come true.

A little red haired, blue eyed itty bitty to call my own.

A beautiful family

Generations of strength and support

A God-art sky

A job I love!

Of course there is not enough screen space in the world to capture all that I'd love to share. I can't overlook my amazing church family or the other friends that we hold so closely to our hearts. These things don't even scratch the surface.

In One Thousand Gifts she goes into detail as to how we are given all blessings in order to be blessings for others. We are to empty ourselves in order to fill others...and yet, in doing so with the love of Christ, we will never feel depleted. God continually restores us...even in the midst of wait and heartache. He willingly fills our lives so that we can then pour out His love to others. Every act of service is testament to God's goodness in our lives. The joy found in our service to others can be found in simple tasks...even the things we do without thinking such as wiping a snotty nose, washing dishes, opening a door for another, bringing a meal to a shut-in...the list is endless. There are numerous ways everyday that we can pour ourselves into others. While not everyone will appreciate our service, God takes note. It pleases Him to see His children "spread the love."

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We're only given today and we have ample opportunities to make the most out of what may seem the mundane. I challenge you, along with myself, to selflessly pour yourself out. Bring your reservations to the feet of Jesus and take advantage of the opportunities presented to you to bring some goodness into the life of someone else. Make it a family affair. Teach your children the truth behind less is more and the joy that comes from giving. Change starts here. How will you be a blessing today?

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Linking up with Annie and Natalie for this week's Thoughts on Thursday.



This Land is My Land

There is this world separate from everyday living. It is called the Land of Infertility. You need no passport to travel here; in fact, most of us arrive to this destination against our wishes. This trip can cost thousands and the emotional toll, while without a price tag, can be even more costly.

It is an all-encompassing journey.

As a Christian woman, I’ve always believed that I was made to procreate and nurture. Scripture even validates my belief…

Then God blessed them and said, “Be fruitful and multiply. Fill the earth and govern it.” Gen. 1:28a

When we encountered the reality that we were dealing with infertility, it was as if a load of bricks had been thrust upon me. I remember thinking: I saved myself for marriage. I waited for the one God had for me…I’ve tried to live according to God’s commands. How can this be? How is it that we can’t begin this family that we’ve so often talked about having? No body tells you growing up or during the "birds and bees" speech that you could face the possibility of infertility.

I struggled for over a year with these feelings and many others that I am not proud of. Jealousy ran rampart. I experienced depression. I avoided baby showers. I cried in public at the sight of pregnant women. I was not a good friend. I was in one of the darkest times of my life. It was a time that I have no doubt that Satan fed off of. 

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I cried constantly. My heart continually ached. It was a silent struggle in my life that very few had any inkling about. Some days I had to force myself to venture out.

We did receive an unexpected blessing. Out of the darkness our God shined brightly upon us and blessed us with a beautiful, healthy little girl. She is sincerely more precious and amazing than we could ever imagine.

 
April 2013

I’ve tried to be more open about my fears and concerns regarding adding to our family in the future. Countless times I’ve been told, “Well at least you already have one.” Yes. Praise God. And I am well aware that some may never know this joy. I’ve been left feeling guilty at times for wanting more children. I’ve always had a dream of a large family. People make comments or try to give advice or try to console, and while I appreciate the good intentions, I don’t want anyone to be offended when I don’t find comfort with your words. It’s a hard place to be in. It is a very difficult journey, whether you have been trying for 2 months or 12 years, it’s never easy.

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As I’ve been diving into the Word as of late, I’ve come across some similarities between my infertility journey and those in scripture. Take Sarah for instance. She was destined to bring forth a child that would influence and contribute to nations long after her life on earth was over. However, for years and on into very old age she remained barren. Her circumstances fed into feelings of anger and bitterness (Gen. 11:29) It was then that I realized, even this woman who was referred to as one of God’s most faithful (Heb. 11:11), faced a similar darkness. I was made acutely aware that there are lies. There are lies that Satan would have you dwell upon and believe. Those same lies are used to consume your hope and whittle away at your faith. Maybe you’ve heard some of these lies…

-You are alone.

-No one understands.

-You are not worthy of a child.

-It will never happen.

 

-You are broken.

These are ugly, ugly lies straight from the pit of hell. These lies creep into hearts, take root, and then grow thorns into your self-worth, your outlook on life, your marriage, your friendships, and family relationships.

In all honesty, I had gotten to a point where I avoided Sunday School because it was too painful to see all of my pregnant friends and to hear about their other children. Yes, it seems lame, but in my grief filled bubble, it was what I felt I had to do.

These lies fed my bitterness with each "unexpected/unplanned" pregnancy announcement. There were times that I thought the words, “we weren’t even trying” or “we got it on the first try” would kill me.

Like I said, it was a very dark time.

As we face the issues of infertility once again, I feel these same feelings trying to surface. I’ve been diving into scripture, persistently and boldly coming to God in prayer, and clinging to what I know is Truth. When I talk about hoping for more children in the near future, I often get the response, “you had one so you would think it would be easier this time.” You would think…but no. So while I know there will be more tears shed and more moments where I have to intentionally choose my joy over the past and current pain of disappointment, I am holding fast to several verses of scripture.

It is my hope that if you are living in the Land of Infertility, that you will seek God first. His best will be more than we can ever imagine. It is also essential that you talk about it. I have made a couple of wonderful friends through an infertility support group. Even if you only confide in one person, do it. This journey cannot be walked alone.

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I want to share with you several pieces of scripture that I have written down on both paper and my heart. I repeatedly come back to these verses as reminders of God’s goodness. I hope you’ll take time to focus on them, let them sink in; let them uproot the lies that you’ve allowed to grow in your heart and mind. Remember that you are never alone.

“Ah, Sovereign Lord, You have made the heavens and the earth by your great power and outstretched arm. Nothing is too hard for you.” Jeremiah 32:17

“Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful.” Hebrews 10:23

“You are my refuge and my shield; I have put my hope in Your word.” Psalm 119:114

“I wait for the Lord, my whole being waits, and in His word I put my hope.” Psalm 130:5

Jesus looked at them intently and said, “Humanly speaking, it is impossible. But with God everything is possible.” Matthew 19:26

Remember...when these feelings arise and reality is hard to process...you are not crazy. You're feelings are valid and above all, God is and always will be Sovereign.

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Go To What You Know

This week has held a lot of highs and lows for me on a personal level. In venting to my amazing (and I can't stress that enough) best bud, I was given some advice. I know she will be rolling her eyes because of her humble heart when I say this, but she is truly a source of reason and sensibility. I never face judgment and I always hear truth. Tonight's tidbit?  "Go to what you know..."

 

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Sitting here alone this evening, I've had a little bit of time to reflect on those five words. With what has been on my heart and mind these past few days, it just seems timely and completely appropriate that I focus on what I know as reminders to get me through these moments. This is not an exhaustive list but it is a place to start...It is my hope that you'll find encouragement, just as I have, through the power and truth of God's Holy Word.

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-His mercies are new. Whatever short comings I face today (and I admit this week has been filled with many mommy fails, wife fails, friend fails, etc.) His love and mercy endures. He finds me where I am and will not leave me there to wander.

Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,
    for his compassions never fail. They are new every

morning; great is your faithfulness.

Lam. 3:22-23

-This too shall pass. The things that I'm facing today, tomorrow, haunts from yesterday...all of them are fleeting. They are moments in my life that God can use to mold me. They are also moments that I can use to glorify God, build my testimony and deepen my faith.

For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long.  Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever.  So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen.  For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever.

2 Cor. 4:17-18

-There is victory. Regardless of disappointments, short comings, and the like, there is victory in Jesus.

But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.

1 Cor. 15:57

-I am blessed beyond measure, even when my heart hurts.

But blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord,
whose confidence is in him.
They will be like a tree planted by the water
that sends out its roots by the stream.
It does not fear when heat comes;
its leaves are always green.
It has no worries in a year of drought
and never fails to bear fruit.

Jer. 17:7-8

Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

Matt. 5:4

 

 

-His timing is perfect.

Delight yourself in the LORD and He will give you the desires of your heart.

Ps. 37:4

 

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Chasing Dreams

"Show me your ways, Lord,
    teach me your paths.
 Guide me in your truth and teach me,
    for you are God my Savior,
    and my hope is in you all day long." 

Psalm 25:4-5

God has been teaching me a lot through this verse lately. My sweet hubby and I have a lot of dreams before us and our prayers center around the Lord's will and what He would have for us. I've had a lot of "moments" lately where my perspectives have been challenged and in some instances, changed.

Earlier this week I was talking to my best friend about some of the things weighing on my heart. I told her that I really want to be in God's will and that I am doing my best to seek what He would have for us. In her infinite wisdom she told me that she "once heard that if we are following Him, then we are already in His will. We don't need to worry about figuring out if we are or aren't." Basically I am following Christ and by doing this, His plan will unfold before me through prayer and obedience. I've never thought about my walk with God that way. Maybe it's the church jargon but I've always thought that part of my job as a follower of Christ is to continually seek His will...but I've begun to realize that it's not necessarily His will I am to seek, but to wholeheartedly seek Him instead. By seeking and following after Him, His plan for my life will become evident, His will becomes my will and while I may not always have or gain understanding of His workings (Is. 55:9) I will be giving foundation to my hopes and dreams that are aligned with His plan.

It's no secret that my hubby and I want to add to our family. We've prayed about adoption in the past and have done so now. While we would like to do this in the future, we do not feel called at this time. We do, however, know that God has laid the desire for more children in our hearts. We welcome the beautiful mess that is parenthood.



A typical scene in G's playroom

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My PCOS journey has forced us to deal with matters of infertility, depression, strained relationships, and the testing of our faith. In December of last year I met with my doctor regarding my PCOS diagnosis. I had switched practitioners right before I found out I was pregnant with G, and since we have begun discussing future children, I thought it best to seek out her guidance. Can I just say I love my doctor?! She always has a plan. She always takes the time to answer my questions whether in the office or via email. She is always supportive, open and honest. I am in such good hands.

She ran a gamete of tests and determined that my testosterone levels were high. When this occurs, it causes other necessary hormones for pregnancy to be awry. Her first objective was to help level out those hormones. Then came the medication...again. Anyone who knows me knows that I hate taking medication, but one does what she must. She also recommended that I work on losing 5-10% of my body weight. This is supposed to help support balancing my hormones, potentially increase my fertility and eventually lead to a healthy pregnancy. It was at that point that my weight loss journey began.

I've since lost over 5% and I'm working my way towards that 10% goal. In the midst of losing weight it was noted that I was not ovulating sufficiently so I was put on Clomid to assist with ovulation. We're hoping that these efforts will result in a healthy pregnancy in the near future. All we can do is wait.

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Waiting is so HARD! There is nothing easy about it. To help with this during my first pregnancy I began a journal for our child. I wrote to our child often and once we found out her gender and decided on her name, the entries became that much more personal. I still write in that journal and I look forward to giving it to her one day. To help with this new time of waiting, I've begun a new journal in hope of filling the pages with letters, stories and memories for another child. Both of these journals contain not only sentiments but their designated life verses and names that we had/are considering.

The top journal is for G and the bottom is for our "yet to be" baby

We truly believe the Lord has wonderful things in store for our family and as we walk this road we are trying to not fall back into the feelings of anxiety, doubt and fear that we faced during our previous journey to baby. God continues to speak to my heart as I chase these dreams. I'm going after what I believe He has for us and I am doing my best to remain hopeful.

I'm continuing to learn a lot about prayer and coming boldly to His throne with my requests and praise. In Marla Alupoaicei's book study, Prayer Warrior Mom: Covering your kids with God's blessings and protection, she quotes a passage from Martin Collin's "Parable of the Persistent Friend."

God often answers us after long and preserving requests. He hears prayers and grants

blessings long after they appear to be unanswered or withheld. He does not promise to 

give blessings immediately. He promises only that He will do it according to His

will and plan. Although He promises to answer the prayer of the faithful, often He

requires us to wait a long time to try our faith. He may allow us to persevere for months

or years, until we are completely dependent on Him, until we see that there is no other

way to receive the blessing, and until we are prepared to receive it. Sometimes, we are not

ready to receive a blessing when we first ask...If what we ask for is good and accords with

God's will, He will give it at the best time possible. 

So in this time of waiting, I will continue to move forward with the things that I already have going, steps towards other dreams we have, and I will try not to focus or reflect too much on the pain of our past. While those painful moments have been an important part of getting us to where we are both in love and appreciation for the gifts we've been given, they also bring back an ache that is far too familiar and will only distract me from what lies ahead. I'd appreciate your prayers as we wait. 

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