The Different Faces of 1 in 8

Infertility does not stereotype or discriminate. There is no direct way to look at a person and say, “Yep, she’s infertile” or “she’s definitely not able to conceive.” It does not work like that. As this week winds down and National Infertility Awareness Week draws to a close, I am reminded of just how varied the faces are among this chosen group. I am also reminded that no matter how diverse we are, we all have the same aches in our heart.

 People who do not know our story would assume nothing other than normalcy. We got married, had kids, and are living happily ever after. Yes. Yes. And yes. However, conceiving was a major struggle for us and we found ourselves sitting in the statistic pool of infertility laden couples. We became 1 in 8. We became 1 in 8 couples who struggle with infertility.

 Our journey has led to many new friendships, the initiation of a new, local support group, and blessings beyond measure. Do I wish we had it a little easier? Some days, I honestly do. Like now, when we dream of adding one last babe to our family. I wish I did not have to regulate my hormones, make multiple doctor office visits, sit through blood work, plan “romantic evenings” around ovulation, and temp every morning. However, I know it is worth it. Having had to face all of the uncertainties twice now, I know what we may be up against. However, I also know that we could get miraculously pregnant the first month on fertility meds. It has not happened, but it could.

"Normal" couples do not think like this. The other 7 couples in the pack typically receive their miracles within 6 months to a year of trying. That is not our journey. While we have two children that we love and adore, we still find ourselves connecting best with those who have or are struggling with infertility. We know the heartache. We know the uncertainty. We can appreciate the journey. God chose us to walk this road and for that, I can say that I am grateful. The connections I have been able to make are ones that I would not have made otherwise.

I may be 1 in 8, but I am thankful.

A Letter to My Daughter: If You Face Infertility

My dearest Tink,

I sit next to you as you paint a picture. Blues, purples and greens fill the page. So beautiful. So innocent. As your mother, I want to shield you from pain and fear. If I could maneuver the world for you, I would. I would fight every battle and guard your heart. I would do all of this and more.

However, it is my responsibility to raise you in a manner that prepares you for the uncertainties that you will face. I will not always be able to be there and I need to help you gain skills and confidence to fight your own battles. I am charged with raising you to be a contributing citizen of society and above all, I am to teach you and show you what it means to have a heart for Jesus in hope that one day, you too, will know Him as your Savior.

I want you to know my darling, that you were wanted and loved long before we knew you. We prayed constantly for your existence. We battled infertility and through Christ, victory was ours. He gave us you!

Infertility is a diagnosis that I pray you never experience. I was never told about it. The fact that having children one day would be difficult was never expressed to me. That is why, my beautiful girl, I am sharing this with you. I do not want you blindsided. I do not want you to fear the unknown. I want you to embrace your journey, no matter what it brings. I know at your mere 4 years old, the idea of becoming a mom does not go beyond dressing up your dolls, but one day it will. One day you may desire to be a mother and I want you to not be afraid or overwhelmed if things do not go as planned.

The greatest lesson I have learned through our journey to you is that God is good, no matter what. No matter the ache, the amount of medication or bloodwork, no matter the number of empty ultrasounds...God is good. He has a plan for you my sweet child. He has an amazing and abundant life laid out before you. Does that mean it will be blissful always? Most certainly not. The Bible tells us so, but it also tells us that He goes before us and prepares our way.

No matter what may lie ahead of you, I want you to know these things:
-You are a precious jewel. God has created you and prepared a journey for you that He knows you can handle with Him by your side.
-You are loved. There may be moments that your heartbreak is so fierce and the ache is so strong that you feel unlovable or unloved. Rebuke these lies.
-Your trials have purpose. I struggled to accept this in our wait for you. I did not want to believe that I "had" to go through this. I did not want to go through it. I simply wanted you. God grew me and your daddy through our battle with infertility. He changed our hearts and opened our eyes. We came out better for having gone through the pain.
-You are never alone. You will always have me and your daddy. Above all, you have a big and mighty God in your corner.

My beautiful little darling...I want you to know that no matter what circumstances you may face, whether infertility or something else, those circumstances do not define you. Who you are in Christ is how you are defined, and in His eyes (and ours) that is nothing short of amazing.

I rebuke the throws of infertility in your life. I claim health and wholeness. I speak prosperity and wellness in the name of Jesus. I claim goodness in your life my sweet girl.

You will forever be my always.

With all my love,
Mommy

Linking up for Mommy Moments

My Top 3 in 2016

This year has been a whirlwind. I have experienced a roller coaster ride of emotions and experiences...so much so that I am still trying to catch my breath in a lot ways. I want to thank all of you have been offering your love and support as the days drift on. This year might have overtaken me if the love of the Lord had not been so evident through you.

In looking back over these past 12 months, I've come across some moments I've put to the back of my mind and others that seem as fresh as the day they happened. I thought to wrap up this year, I'd share the top 3 most viewed blog posts from Rejoice and Repeat.

3.

What's Bigger than My Diagnosis?

In this post I share our infertility struggles and what we did to overcome them.

2.

Two Months After Tragedy
In this post I share update on the healing and personal obstacles I have been dealing with since October's tragedy.

1.

When God Uses the Unimaginable
This post was the first I shared about the tragedy I experienced this fall.

It May Never Stop Hurting: An Infertility Truth

To those of you still waiting on your miracle, this post is in no way meant to seem selfish. The Lord has given the desires of my heart and I am trusting Him to give me a sense of completion when our family has reached His goal for us. I by no means want to come across as ungrateful or greedy. Our journey is part of our testimony, just as your journey is your own. Please know that my heart goes out to you in your time of waiting and possible loss. My experiences have led to a new ministry in which I try to serve as an example of hope for those who have yet to receive their miracle. We just never know where our journey will lead.

I have not blogged on infertility in a while. I've been pretty caught up in life and I've been trying to keep certain feelings at bay. To most, it may seem ridiculous that I am even blogging about infertility since we've been blessed to conceive two children. Most days, I do not think too much about how they came to be or else I find my mind wandering to places I do not want it to go. The anxiety and painful memories of the journey that led us to becoming parents only typically arise these days when I begin allowing myself to dream of adding another to our family. Do I want more children? I get asked this question regularly these days and the answer is "yes", but as soon as I say it out loud, the feelings come rushing back. Will the meds work? Am I being greedy? Is it selfish to want more? Will our dream of another child come to fruition? Will I learn to be content with what we have been blessed with if this is where our journey ends?

Honestly, I feel I've done well to work through the feelings of bitterness and longing that arise when "easy" conceptions are brought to my attention. I don't cry the instant I am alone, I do not allow my mind to dwell on their "luck" and I thank God for my own miracles repeatedly. I feel like I've come so far...and yet, there are still moments when I am not sure if I'll ever truly heal. There are moments when I still hurt, when I still feel the aches from the scars that our infertility journey has left on my heart. I was reminded of this earlier this week. I ran into a woman who gave birth not too terribly long ago and unbeknownst to me, she was expecting again...baby #4. I am elated for this little blessing that will soon be gracing the world, but for the first time in a while, I felt the old, familiar ache. I felt the jealousy, the anxiety, and the tears welling up. I attribute most of these emotions to hormones...but still.

I've been reflecting on this experience. I don't want to be that woman. I don't want to constantly be reminded of my bouts with pain. Instead I want to constantly rejoice in all the good that He has done in our lives. I want to revel in the joy that is our children. The truth is, the emotions, memories, and aches from one's infertility journey don't just go away. In time, I believe they can soften, but from personal experience, I just don't know. I sincerely just don't know if they will ever stop surfacing. Maybe I'm just not strong enough yet...but I have hope.

  Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the LORD your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.”

Deuteronomy 31:6

Linking up for Mommy Moments

When Mother's Day Hurts

I've been that woman. The woman sitting in the church pew on Mother's Day Sunday morning, gripping the edge of my pew with both hands so I won't leave. I hang my head during the songs of worship to hide my tears. I feel guilty for not being happy...for not praising my God for all He has done. I feel guilty for not raising my voice in song because of the fear that if I utter a sound, I'll loose my composure. I ache because of my barrenness. I envy the new mother next to me. I fight bitterness at the sight of all the beautiful families dedicating their tiny babes to the Lord during the baby dedication service. I fear that I will never be the woman holding her own child. I want to scream, "why you and not me?!" at the barely out of high school girl sitting behind me as she shifts because of the weight of her pregnant belly.

I've been that woman.

I've been the woman who, on Mother's Day, is not grateful for the blessings that I have been so quick to forget. I don't rejoice in the fact that I am still fortunate to have my own mother alive and well. I don't rejoice in the fact that I have a husband who has stood by me, month after month, as I experience the hormonal highs and lows of the fertility meds, and then holds me when I cry myself to sleep because of yet another negative pregnancy test. I've been the woman who wonders if God truly hears the silent prayers of my heart and the outpourings of my words as I weep in the silence.

I've been that woman.

And yet...I am better because of it. Little did I know at the time, God was preparing me for something bigger than myself. He was writing our story...a beautiful story of hope. He was developing my testimony. He was cultivating my relationship with Him and strengthening my relationship with my husband. He was ensuring that I would not take a day with my children for granted. He was shaping my yet to be ministry.

If someone would have told me during my infertility journey that God would be leading me into such amazing, Kingdom building things, I would have refuted the words. I was so broken. I'm proof that God can use even the broken. He can heal. He can astonish. He is still in the business of miracles.

5 years later, I can say with certainty that while I may have been "that woman", I am no longer "her". I am stronger. I am more grateful than I have ever been. I am a mom of two beautiful, miracle babies who prove God is so much bigger than what the world deems possible or probable.

Let me encourage you my dear sister. You are not alone. Your pain is for purpose. Your heart's desire has been rooted deeply so that you may cling to hope...the hope that God is not finished yet. The hope that will allow you to be in awe of how your miracle of either children or peace and contentment come to be.

While you may find it hard to find joy in this Mother's Day, I pray you find Hope. I pray you find Peace. I pray you remember there is purpose.

Linking up with Mommy Moments

and

Tuesday Talk

What's Bigger Than My Diagnosis?

I was thrilled when Caroline shared her Infertility link-up with me. It's been a week of advocating and spreading the word on infertility...also known as life and/or National Infertility Awareness Week! I was even more excited when she said that she was hoping those of us that have seen the other side of infertility would contribute. I truly believe it is essential that women see that there is another side...a side of hope...to this life altering diagnosis.

My husband and I were extremely cautious early in our marriage. We did not want to bring children into our family until we were "ready" or "the time was right". I set an alarm for my birth control (even on my honeymoon) to ensure that we would not experience any "surprises". The joke was on us. After 3 years of marriage we decided we'd go ahead and start adding to our family. Our natural efforts were not successful and I sought answers to my questions from my gynecologist. She eventually diagnosed me with PCOS and put me on Metformin. I was never given an explanation for her decisions, but she was my doctor. Why would I question her?

After months of additional negative pregnancy tests, she said she wanted to put me on Clomid. Once again, no blood work, ultrasounds or explanations. She said if that did not work then she would not be able to assist us further and would refer us to a specialist. She said it may just be an issue of not being able to have children.

::tears::

Confusion.

Anger.

Bitterness.

My husband and I prayed about our next step and we decided to forgo meeting again with my doctor and seek out a second opinion. We were led to the doctors at University Physicians for Women at Northridge. I went with this practice for a variety of reasons. The majority of the doctors were well versed in my PCOS diagnosis, they delivered at the hospital I had hoped to give birth in (someday), and they had direct access to highly respected infertility specialists. Upon our first visit, I knew in my heart that we had made the right choice. I was immediately put at ease by the expertise of the nurse and then by my doctor. She took me off the Metformin after receiving my blood work (she drew a full blood panel) and discovering that at the time, there was no immediate reason for me to be taking it. Upon further testing, we discovered that my testosterone was higher than normal and may be contributing to my inability to conceive. I was then put back on the meds, but with an actual reason for doing such this time.

I tracked my cycles and after more blood work, it appeared that my body would try to gear up to ovulate but could not follow through. I was heartbroken. If I wasn't ovulating then there would not be an egg waiting to be fertilized. At that point, my husband and I prayed for wisdom as to how far we would should go in our efforts to conceive. We decided that if medication was not enough, then we'd stop and try to fill our home with a child another way. We were at peace with this decision. We spoke with our doctor about our options and she completely respected our decision. From there, she came at us with a Plan A and then a Plan B if that did not work. I was thrilled to have answers and a plan.

After several months, we were still not pregnant. This medication is only permitted for a certain amount of cycles (this varies depending on the doctor) and we were two cycles away from ending the meds. My blood work initially showed that my body was gearing up but still no follow through. She upped my dosage. I then had a good ovulatory cycle, but no pregnancy. With each passing month, my heart grew more heavy. Finally...our miracle occurred.

In August 2012, we became pregnant with what would result in our beautiful baby girl.

During our first infertility journey, I can now look back to realize that I was dealing with depression. That time in my life was so dark. It was so sad. I felt broken and so alone. I had wrapped my worth up in my inability to have children and I had allowed Satan to feed my heart lies that I began to believe. Only through the grace of God did I overcome the darkness.

When we decided to try for another child, I began charting my cycles again and realized my body was back to its old ways. We discussed this with our doctor and there was no wait time. She immediately started us on the same protocol that we did the last time. Our son's conception beat the odds in terms of science due to previous and additional complications.

I've learned not to compare my story with anyone else's. It's hard...so hard...not to. Some women get pregnant by sneezing (or so it would seem) and then others face it for years without any success. Our story is not as detailed as others or the journey as long as some, but that does not make our story any less important. It has become a part of our testimony.

Our story proves that our God is bigger than any diagnosis. My hope was and is bigger than my diagnosis. I no longer allow my worth to be defined by my "broken parts". I don't know what our future holds, but I know He is good.

Without Him, we would not have our children. Our children were prayed for, longed for, and miraculous in so many ways.

::via::

My heart continues to grieve with those who face the uncertainties of infertility. I still bear scars and old feelings still surface. My journey and spiritual growth have led me to answer God's call to begin a faith based infertility support group. We have been meeting since November and it is slowly growing. My heart is so full when I am able to share our story and the stories of others. I have the privilege of reminding these women that they are loved by our God in the midst of their circumstances and that despite what is going on, He truly has their best interests at heart. I know that I had lost sight of that during my struggle.

My husband and I hope that our story can serve as hope for those who are still going through the deep waters.

Linking up for Mommy Moments

It Hasn't Always Been This Way

"Devote yourselves to prayer, being watchful and thankful."

Colossians 4:2

I look at the beautiful, messy life before me. I flip through the pages of our family calendar and admire the upcoming special events penned on various dates. My joy overflows. April 19th is highlighted and marked on all personal calendars. This is my daughter's birthday.

Several years ago I was told that I may not be able to have children. This struck fear and ache in my heart as we continued to investigate my condition and eventually begin the battle against infertility. We sought a second opinion, completed various tests, discussed multiple options and prayed continuously for God to fill my womb with a child.

There were times when those prayers seemed like they were being unanswered. I often mistook His silence for "no" or distance. In reality, He was saying, "wait". I struggled during that time to let go and let God write our story.

In 2012 He gave us the surprise of a lifetime. He answered our prayers with a "yes". The following April, our beautiful daughter entered the world. We would eventually face the same struggles, fears, and frustrations as we attempted to provide our daughter with a sibling. However, I had a better understanding of the process and my faith had grown in a way during our last journey to conceive that allowed me to sincerely wait upon the Lord.

When people see pictures of our little family, they offer sweet compliments. They comment on how "lucky" we are to have two children, especially one of each (why that matters?). I don't see any of this as luck. I see a couple, desperate in their pleading, who learned how to wait upon the Lord. The family photos they see before them are not how things have always been. There was a time when we did not know if we would hear the pitter patter of little feet.

During our journeys to gaining these little lives, we learned how to pray...not just how to request our hearts' desires to God, but how to listen for His responses. We learned to be watchful. He taught us to continually look for other blessings in our lives instead of solely focusing on what we wanted but didn't yet have.

We also learned to be thankful. He taught us to be thankful for each other while we waited to fill our home with a child. He taught us to be thankful for the daughter that was more beautiful and precious than we could imagine. He taught us to hand over our fears of pregnancy loss and delivery when things became abnormal.

We carry these lessons with us. As a mother, I continue to pray for our children, both presently and for their futures. I continue to watch for the blessings that God pours over our sweet family. I also continue to be thankful. When the days are long and the nights are even longer, I rejoice in all that He has done. It is amazing how being thankful, listing those blessings and claiming God's goodness can make a person stronger and more brave in the face of weariness and worry. Write Colossians 4:2 where you can see it daily and remember to...

Pray. Watch. Give thanks.

Waiting on Wednesday

and

Mommy Momments

It's Come to This...

via

In 2011 I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). It's a dirty diagnosis that could mean a vast variety of things with even more variations of symptoms. While there were many things I did not know about this syndrome, I was made aware that it may be the culprit behind our inability to become pregnant. After being told by my doctor that she couldn't do anything more for us other than refer us to an infertility specialist, we opted to get a second opinion.

I did some research and chose the doctor I would see. During this time, we prayed that we'd make the right choice in doctors and that we'd know the right choices thereafter when we'd come upon times to make decisions. God granted us immediate peace the moment I met with my new practice. The nurses were super knowledgeable about my condition, the doctors were wise, compassionate and empathetic. We were immediately put at ease. Blood work was ordered, meds were trial and error, failed attempts, promising signs and cycle monitoring were our lives.

Over time we battled our infertility,  not once, but twice, and fortunately, God gifted us two beautiful miracles. We count ourselves so blessed.

Through it all I couldn't help but question, "why us?" Over the course of the last year that reason has become more and more clear, and tonight will be yet another piece of this journey. My dear friend and I will begin an infertility support group and bible study. I am grateful for the few women who will be joining us and I am hoping that others will follow.

I now see that part of all the heartache, waiting and growth has brought me to this. I am amazed and humbled that God would call me from the ashes of such a difficult time in my life to share the beauty of His goodness and healing with others. I want to share the hope that can only come from Him. I want them to remember that He is bigger than any diagnosis. I want to provide comfort and encouragement to those whose hearts are riddled with questions and fears. I want them to have what I didn't.

Little did I know, even just a couple months ago, that all of that would come to this.

Linking up for Thoughts for Thursday

Battling Infertility in the Wake of Baby Season

If you're new to R&R you may be wondering why there is a post on infertility in the midst of all these baby posts. This my friends is because I am no stranger to the struggle of infertility. In fact, our two babes are complete miracles and it was only through God's grace and the help of modern medicine that we conceived. My journey is not to be compared to anyone else, but instead, it is my hope that it serves as a beakon of hope for others on the same road.

If you're interested in reading more about our journey,  you can find that here.

::via::

This post has been in the making for the last couple weeks. As I was driving down the road the other day I realized that I'm currently in the midst of a baby boom. Several friends and family members are pregnant or have recently had a baby. I found myself in awe of this baby season and it dawned on me that just a few years ago I would have handled this season much differently.

When you are in the midst of an infertility battle, typically every pregnancy and birth announcement is like pouring salt into an open wound. So. Much.Pain. You dread or even avoid baby showers. Your heart aches as you make hospital and home visits, if you can even muster up the courage to do so. You wear a brave face as you fight your battle and you may or may not be open about your challenges. Regardless,  this season is like a long, dark seemingly endless winter.

I handled the times leading up to the conception of our two children very differently. For the first I was closed off and quiet. I avoided those I loved, I unintentionally damaged friendships and lost sight of the good that was still in my life. It was a dark time. When we began trying for our second I was much more open and sought support. It was hard but there were glimmers of light.

I just want to remind you that you are not alone. Whether you seek support through online blogs such as this or with close friends and family, it is essential to have a sounding board. Very few people outside of the infertility circle will understand your sense of loss, frustration and pain. They will try to emphasize with the ache but until a person has experienced it, there is no real way to truly understand. You'll be given advice and well intentioned "words of encouragement" and some of it will hurt. Take it with a grain of salt and don't focus on what has been said.

Allow yourself to grieve. Whether you've miscarried or have had multiple failed cycles, there is sense of loss. I think it's actually more fair to say that you may be experiencing continuous waves of indescribable emotional/physical pain...you somehow tread your way through until the next one.

You'll fight jealousy. It's a beast. Never forget that infertility is happening to you; it does not define you, and as I've learned, the experience and how you handle it will
 mold you.

I wish you the best in your journey and I want to encourage you to seek the good things that are still in your life as you wade through the season of little ones everywhere. These times come in waves and with each passing one you can either find a way to become stronger and rise above your circumstances or you can drown. Don't go under. I, along with countless others are here to offer you a life line and provide a safe place for these times in your journey.

Be brave. Be blessed.

Linking up with...

Waiting on...Wednesday

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Thoughts for Thursday

Baby N's Birth Story

Birth stories, to me, are testimonies of miraculous life events. They are examples of love, empowerment, and a humbling dose of real life. I loved reading birth stories as sources of encouragement leading up to my own delivery and I've been looking forward to sharing my own. I shared a brief recap of our daughter's birth story when I first began to blog in June of 2013 and now the time has arrived to share another.

Both of our children are truly miracles. We battled against infertility for both of them and it was only through God's blessing that they were conceived. I've grown to embrace our struggles with infertility because they have made us that much more grateful for our children and they have brought us blessings that we would not have otherwise experienced. I share all of this to preface what I consider a beautiful story. To some it will probably not seem very significant. To some it may even seem a bore, but to me, it is a treasure. It is our story. It is the (lengthy) story of how our son entered the world.

There are many reasons why I consider our son's existence miraculous and each milestone during my pregnancy was a reason to rejoice. One issue that I combatted throughout the course of my pregnancy was hypertension. I dealt with this during my daughter's pregnancy as well and I was well versed in what that could potentially mean for me come time for delivery. It was my hope to have our son naturally and without an induction. I feared what an induction could mean and I was already at a higher risk for a C-section for various reasons and I did not want to add to the likelihood. I watched my sodium intake, took my meds and worked hard to keep my weight gain at a minimum (under the supervision of my doctors.) I was proud of having only gained 17lbs during this pregnancy and I was feeling good about things as my due date neared. However, about 6 weeks prior to my due date, my doctors discussed the probability of an induction based on my rising/inconsistent blood pressure numbers and the impact it was having on the baby. I must mention that my doctors only discuss induction if medically necessary, thus I knew it was serious.

37 weeks

Around 37 weeks we decided that we would induce at 39 weeks (July 5) unless something more serious occurred . Upon a quick check, we learned that I was already at 3cm and 50% effaced. Based on the early arrival of my daughter and my current numbers, my doctor did not believe that I would make my induction date...and she ended up being correct.

My husband was due to return to work on July 1. I was secretly praying that the baby would either come before that day or not make any major changes until the day of our induction. We live almost an hour from the hospital, he works about an hour from home and I could not wrap my head around trying to get our toddler taken care of and work my way to the hospital without him...although one would do what she must. I woke up the morning of June 30th feeling what I thought might be contractions but they were only occurring about once every hour (beginning at 6a.m.) I never even knew I was contracting with my daughter so I was not sure what I should be experiencing. By around 1p.m. I was pretty certain that I was feeling contractions and I began timing them. They were happening about every half hour. By 2p.m. I was experiencing them about every 10 minutes. My husband took my blood pressure and it was also elevated...both were signs that our doctor had told us to look for and call if they happened. I contacted Labor and Delivery and they told us to go ahead and come in.

We dropped our daughter off at the sitter's house. She would be staying with her at whatever point we were admitted to the hospital. The "pains" I was feeling were very mild and I almost believed they would probably send us home. After all, I wasn't doubled over and my water had not broken. We arrived at the hospital and I was examined. I was making a bit of progress despite the monitor only picking up what appeared to be cramping. My doctor was convinced that I was in labor and wanted to go ahead and admit me based on my blood pressure. I was still 3cm but was now 75% effaced. She did a membrane sweep and that really helped to get things going. My contractions steadily became stronger but still manageable. At around 5:30p.m. we were officially admitted, had contacted our sitter, had met the staff  members that we would be working with through the rest of our labor and delivery and had settled into our room.

My first labor and delivery were very quick, especially for a first timer. From start to finish it was about 7 hours (4 hours of which were actually active labor, with only one of those hours being the actual transition phase) with about 7 minutes of pushing. I did not have medication of any kind and had every intention of doing it the same way with this delivery. Things don't always go the way you plan...

After about 5 hours of strengthening contractions, they checked my progress. I was only at 4cm and 80% effaced. What?! Are you kidding me?! I wanted to cry. I settled in again and knew that I needed to try and get some sleep, especially since there was nothing that seemed to be speedy about this labor. Of course, my contractions continued to pick up and I became more uncomfortable, so as my husband slept, I tossed and turned, attempting to remain comfortable.

At 1:10a.m. my water broke...and it hurt! I was not expecting the pain and I called out to my husband telling him what had happened. We buzzed for my nurse who came in immediately. I told her that I was certain my water had broken and as I shifted, the flood gates opened. I knew what this meant. Based on my last delivery, once my water had broken, my contractions almost immediately became more intense and delivery was just around the corner.

The next day...

As my contractions quickly became much  more painful and closer together, I readied myself. I was going to do this and I just knew that my son was moments away from greeting the world. They checked me after about an hour and I was only at 6cm. I wanted to cry. Why were things progressing so slowly?! After some time I had to make a decision. I was physically and mentally exhausted from having worked through so many intense contractions (they were coming about every minute to minute and a half). I could not imagine how I was going to muster up the strength to deliver our baby. I opted for an epidural.

Because of the intensity of my contractions, it was a little more challenging to place the epidural but the anesthesiologist was amazing and with the help of my husband and nurse, I was eventually hooked up and good to go. It took a bit for the meds to kick in and I only had what was necessary to take the edge off of the pain. I could still move and I could still feel pressure. After the epidural was placed, I was checked again. This time, I was at a 9 and about 90% effaced. However, N was not tolerating the contractions and was showing continuous signs of distress. My doctor and I discussed what that meant and what may have to happen if he was not delivered in the very near future. I prayed for him to move down. I prayed for my cervix to fully dilate and I prayed for his health and safety as the minutes ticked by.

A little after 4:00a.m. my doctor wanted me to do a couple "practice" pushes to see if we could get him to lower since he was still not stationed where we needed him. She told me that at any point she told me to stop, it was because he was where he needed to be and she needed to get the remainder of the delivery team in there. Within two contraction, she told me to stop. The team rushed in and within what seemed like seconds they had everything ready to go and it was time to bring our baby into the world. I pushed for about 3 minutes and our son graced our lives at 4:15a.m.

I soon learned that the reason he was not tolerating the contractions was because the cord had been wrapped around his neck 3 times. Praise Jesus for keeping our sweet boy safe. He was perfect. He had a beautiful cry, strawberry blonde hair and the sweetest little face. He was immediately placed on my chest and eventually his daddy got to cut the cord. For the next hour we lay skin to skin. I soaked in the surreal moments as the fact that we were now a family of four began to sink in.

While I know words can never convey the true emotions that are experienced during a time like this, I am so glad to be able to share my heart. I consider our family to be abundantly blessed and to our Lord I will forever be grateful. The past few days have been trying as we adjust to new (lack of) sleep schedules, living around the needs of an infant and trying to balance and plan intentional time with our toddler. However, I cherish it all, for I know this too shall pass and our babies will grow up too fast.

Linking up for Mommy Moments, Tuesday Talk and Thoughts for Thursday

When You're Not a Mom on Mother's Day

This quote popped up on my TimeHop app the other morning and as soon as I read it, I knew exactly why I had shared it.

The quote came during a time in our infertility struggle that I was losing hope, tired of the fight and could only hope, pray and dream that one day Mother's Day would hold a new meaning for me. Of course I celebrated my amazing mother. I would not be who I am without her...but as I sat in the church pew that Mother's Day morning, I could only think about how much my heart ached to be a mother. I was not envious of the flowers or cards. I was not jealous of the recognition. I was sad. My heart longed to know motherhood.

That Mother's Day came and went. I shed the same tears that I had shed the year before and I prayed desperately for the Lord to answer my prayers. To our unexpected joy and delight, He did answer that prayer later that year.

I'll never forget the moment I held our little girl for the first time. It was at that moment that I knew everyday would be Mother's Day. I would celebrate this joy forever. The Lord had heard my prayer and answered my request with a blessing beyond our dreams.

Mother's Day 2013

As I type this, I am currently 31 weeks pregnant with another miracle...another answer to prayer. We ran into similar issues in trying to conceive this sweet little boy and I cherish God's blessing. I rejoice in what He has done. As my heart rejoices over this little life that is growing inside of me and over the fiery redheaded little girl that calls me "Mommy", I cannot help but remember those years of longing and sadness...those years my heart felt so empty on Mother's Day.

For those of you who find yourselves feeling that same ache and feeling that same frustration, remember you are not alone. While you stare longingly at the little ones around you, remember that there is a special plan for your life. I had to be reminded of that daily. I also had to be reminded that God has great plans for the little lives that He brings into this world and that those lives will be conceived in the womb and delivered into the world at His appointed time for His miraculous purpose. While these truths are real and are meant to be reassuring, we won't always feel their comfort.

I say these things to encourage you to not lose hope. Open your heart to what God has for you and daily prepare yourself to accept His blessing when it comes. Be open to how He may bring children into your home. Our sweet little ones don't always come from our own wombs.

I say these things to also remind you that just because you are not a mom (yet) on Mother's Day does not make you any less of a woman. You were designed with a purpose and your story is far from over. It took me a long time to grasp that God was developing and furthering a part of my testimony that would later used to help others. I have since been able to share my battles of infertility and the hope that the Lord gives in the midst of the ache with others. I have seen God fill wombs that once were barren. I have cried and laughed with women who never thought joy could be found in such a painful plight.  I have seen true miracles occur and I have seen what faith can do.

May 2015
 

Mourn this Mother's Day if you must. It's okay, but please, please don't lose hope. Find a way to keep looking forward. Keep dreaming. Embrace the now while anticipating the future. Your miracle may be just a moment away...

 

Linking Up for Mommy Moments

When It's Your Turn: The Other Side of Infertility

You've prayed. You've tasted bitterness. You've remained hopeful. You've fought against the odds. And then...you want to give up. You want to throw your hands in the air because you don't understand why it seems everyone around you can have a baby and you can't. You battle these emotions day in and day out.

Fast forward (in slow motion) and a miraculous things happens. You...the one wondering if your prayers will ever be answered in the way that you hoped, are pregnant. Those two beautiful pink lines bring a plethora of emotions. You struggle with disbelief and complete elation. You want to tell everyone and no one at the same time. Your dreams are becoming a reality.

I must say that my emotions and experiences regarding both the conception of my daughter and, now, this precious miracle have been all of those things and more. It's crazy to think that after all someone with infertility goes through that she could feel anything but complete joy...and yet, it becomes so much more.


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This new journey comes with a mixed bag of emotions. Your excitement can become tainted with other less pleasant emotions. I struggled greatly...and still struggle with these things.

One of the most difficult emotions to combat is guilt.

It's hard to get beyond this one. I've been fortunate enough to have a beautiful support group this time around. The three of us have been praying for each other, hoping and wishing on every star for one another to become pregnant. It's what we all want for each other...so why the guilt? It's the flip side of the "why she and not me?" It becomes the "Praise God for me, but why not she?" I so desperately want all of us to share this experience. I want each of them to know the excitement and worry and all of the crazy good that is pregnancy and motherhood. But alas, I can't change what is. It is very hard to tell those most close to you...those women who have walked this journey with you, that you are now pregnant. I have been fortunate to have their full love and support but it is still very difficult to tell them something that you know will bring pain to their hearts, despite the sincere happiness they have for you. I've been on that side. I know the feeling.



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Another feeling that I, and many others, experience is jealousy. Say what?! I know what you're thinking. I'm pregnant. Move on! I know, I know. It's so hard to explain but the words "we weren't even trying" or "it happened our first time" still bring a sting to my heart. While I rejoice in our blessing, there is still that achy part of me that wishes our journey to our miracle was not so laden with tears.



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I also struggle with worry. My PCOS puts me at a higher risk for miscarriage. At the time of this post, I am 4 months pregnant. I've felt my little one move a few times and my growing belly shows promise. These things are amazing and wonderful, but I still worry. I still worry about the health of our unborn child. I worry about what may or may not happen. I have to daily place our sweet babe in the Lord's hands.



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Now, before you get bogged down in the less than desirable things...I confess that my heart is so full and my soul continually rejoices over the miracle that I carry. God has blessed our little family with another child and for that I will be forever grateful.

Throughout your infertility journey you will face multiple ups and downs. The most important thing is to not lose heart and to never give up. You're miracle may be right around the corner...and remember, no matter how you decide to fill your home with the pitter patter of little feet, you will be blessed.



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Linking up for Thoughts for Thursday

Bump to Birth: The Back Story

I knew I wanted to blog about our journey with infertility and I wanted to serve as a source of hope for those who continue to struggle with its life altering effects. I wish I had been blogging in the years leading up to the conception and birth of our daughter, but alas, my blog began when she was born and I decided to fill some of my maternity leave with documenting memories for our family and friends. Since then, I've been sharing my thoughts and life events.

Many assumed that because we (finally) were able to conceive our daughter that we'd have no problem trying to get pregnant again. A lot people may still not be aware of all that we went through to conceive our precious gem. We unfortunately, and fortunately, had the same issues and challenges in trying to conceive Baby #2. You can read about our struggle here and my thoughts on various infertility hurdles here.

When we began TTC our next child, we chose a life verse to pray while we waited and throughout the remainder of our child's life. We chose a life verse for our daughter and I was led to another verse to pray for this child. Job 5:9 became my prayer as we eagerly awaited the Lord to fulfill our dreams of adding to our family. Little did we know that this verse would completely encompass everything regarding this baby. I look forward to sharing more about that with you in the days to come.


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We began this second journey knowing that my lack of ovulation, lengthy cycles and skewed hormone levels would once again pose problems. We tried for a bit on our own but in tracking my cycles, it was evident that the issues were still prevalent. I began Metformin to help level things out (no, I don't have diabetes). We were hopeful that it would help achieve enough balance that I could conceive without anything further.

Months went by with no success or cycle regulation. I was put on Clomid to help me ovulate.  After several cycles of no success (and did I mention I had already lost about 20lbs to help move things along?) we were told we had one more round and, if not successful,  we'd have to try a more invasive approach. My hubby and I had long prayed about what we should do and we felt that adoption would be our next step.  We weren't comfortable with any further treatments, nor could we afford most of them since all things infertility are not covered by insurance.

October was a crazy month.  We had a lot riding on this round of meds. Of course, on the day I got my positive ovulation test I also came down with a random YI. I just knew we were out. My pH levels were out of whack and his swimmers didn't stand a chance. There was also no clear thermal shift on my chart to indicate ovulation had even occurred. I allowed myself to be sad and then moved on.

I had been feeling off and slightly nauseous the week of October 27th. I knew we were out but I had a couple of cheap test strips and thought I'd use one for kicks. On the 30th I tested and there was a VERY faint line. It was so faint that I thought I was probably just seeing things. The next day I woke up hopeful for some reason and picked up a pregnancy test on my way to work. When I got there I tested.  I could not believe my eyes! Science would say this was a very unlikely situation...but my God is bigger than any of this and He made it possible.

So, it is with great joy that I say we are currently expecting our newest miracle in July and I'll be using my Bump to Birth posts to document the milestones and memories of this pregnancy. With that being said, if you are dealing with infertility and such updates are difficult for you (because I totally understand that exact thing) please feel free to bypass posts under this heading.

I'll soon be catching up on our progress thus far. Until then, I leave you with this thought...

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Linking Up

Big Things are Happening 'Round Here

Eph. 3:20

A few months ago we found ourselves in the midst of mixed emotions. Last September we closed on our land, which will one day become the building site of our forever home. Long before the land came through, we had begun trying to grow our family without success. We knew the obstacles we were up against in both situations.

My husband had set some specific parameters for our land purchase. It had to be at least the amount of acreage that we have now, it had to be close to his volunteer fire department, within our budget, must include a mountain view and must be within our current vicinity since our jobs have us driving in opposite directions. I know, I know. That's quite a list.

Through a sequence of events, we became privy to some information about a beautiful piece of property...that believe it or not, included ALL of my husband's "requirements". When God is involved (because He most certainly was) amazing things happen. This is just one special example of how God truly hears and answers our prayers. We made our move on the land and everything fell into place. Before we knew it we were signing our name on the (hundreds of) dotted lines.

While we were going through this process, we were still battling my infertility. I had people telling me that maybe we weren't supposed to have another baby right now and that we should just focus on selling our house and preparing the land. Yeah...that stung a little...oh ye of little faith.

I remember even saying in my prayers, why can't we have it all? Why can't we work on our dream home plans and add to our family? True, the situation may not be ideal but we both felt that the time was right and that we could have it all if the Lord allowed. He had already answered so many prayers. We truly believed He would answer this one.

I admit, it was not easy to keep the optimism. Month after month, meds and blood work, our dreams of another child were dashed. There were even a couple of months where my chart looked perfect and the timing of everything had been just right...I was certain we had been successful...but no.

Come October we had already met with our doctor several times to discuss various options. We knew what we were comfortable with and our hearts were getting heavy as we reached the end of our treatment. I had one more round available before we were done. No more treatment. No more blood work. We'd be moving on. We had decided that if this last round was unsuccessful, we'd focus solely on our house and then revisit our adoption paperwork. I was okay at that point. We had a plan.

October was a crazy busy month and I felt like we had so much riding on this last round. I was pumped to see that I had gotten a positive ovulation test. Game on! And then I came down with an infection. Knowing how delicate the whole situation of becoming pregnant really is, I had resigned myself to the fact that we were out this month.

On October 31st I was reminded that my God defines and defies the odds. If you look at my chart, it does not appear that I ever ovulated. Between that and my illness, science would say I should not be announcing the news that I am about to share...

WE ARE PREGNANT! Our precious miracle is due in July and we are over the moon!

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So yes, you can have it all. Your dreams can come true. For those of you battling infertility...don't lose heart. Big things can happen. At this point we're working on our house in preparation for sale. We plan to put it on the market in March (or sooner). All of this will take place while we also prepare to welcome our precious babe in July.

I look forward to sharing how we announced our news and what has been going since our BFP.

Life Verse

Our little girl laughing it up in the pumpkin patch...

When we learned that our journey to baby would include a battle with infertility, we began to examine some things in our lives. Our prayers changed from focusing on what we wanted to what God wanted for us. We longed for a child but knew God, in His infinite wisdom, would fill our hearts' desire  in His time and in His way.

While this wasn't always easy as you can see, it was necessary to change our focus from an earthly here and now to a Heaven-ward patience. During that time of waiting I recalled a former camp staff worker telling me that her parents designated a specific verse for each one of their children. I began to think on this grand idea and sought a life verse to pray for our non-existent child. I was led to the verse in 1 Samuel 1:27.

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This verse became a promise from God to my heart. It gave me comfort when other words could not. I prayed that verse in future tense throughout our TTC journey and my pregnancy. I have that verse placed inside or on many of our daughter's items. I want her to never forget how loved and longed for she was and is.

Quite some time ago we began to pray for God to once again grow our family. I began to seek a life verse to pray for our future child. I was led to Job 5:9.

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This verse sums up my thoughts on TTC with infertility. Every child is a true miraculous blessing, and when you have trouble conceiving it seems to strengthen that understanding all the more. I kept a journal for our daughter from the time I found out we were expecting. Her life verse is on one of the pages and it provides a way for me to track memories for her as she grows. I look forward to passing it along to her one day.

Several months ago i began a journal for the next miracle that will prayerfully make its way into our arms. The verse from Job can be found on the first page. In this journal I've been keeping our thoughts and prayers for this unknown child since we began this new journey. I know God will perform a wonder that will bring joy to our hearts. I trust Him to perform a miracle.

We all have special ways of honoring our journeys. I'd love to hear about yours!

By the way, if you missed my last Mama Mondays post filled with our recent family pictures, you can check it out here!

Linking up with Leslyn

Walking with Gideon: When We Doubt

I have uncovered so many treasures as I've walked with Gideon. I've only scratched the surface of his story so far and I already find myself examining aspects of my spiritual walk. His story once again proves that the battles we face have been going on for centuries and yet through it all our God has remained constant.

I've been really trying to focus on my blessings since my last walk with Gideon and I've been trying to be more Heaven minded. It's hard to do when your mind and heart struggle to comprehend things that we may never understand on this side of Heaven. Trying to channel into this mindset was a great way to enter into the next part of my reading.

Judges 6:11-16

 

I often ask the Lord "why?" Why am I going through this? What could Your purpose be? Why would You chose me? These broad questions become even more specific as I focus on the doubts and anxieties that I have had surrounding our infertility and raising our child (and future children) in a broken world. Just like Gideon in verse 13, I've questioned why things have happened to us. If I serve such a mighty God and I am trying to serve Him as best I can, why does it appear (appear being the key word) that evil profits?  It's easy to feel abandoned when you don't get immediate answers.

As I focused on these questions, I had a moment of clarity. The "whys" of this world are tied to earthly longings. I've overlooked the fact that my ultimate goal and reward will be received in Heaven. I will be honored for living a life pleasing to God when I meet Him face to face. While it's hard to wrap my mortal brain around such supernatural truths, it helps me be a little more okay with not understanding and it gives me the courage and drive to continue on.

With that in mind, it can be difficult to remember that not only does God send and guide us on our journey, but he goes before us. When Gideon questioned how God would use him in verse 14, the Lord told him to go with the strength that he has and to remember that God was sending him. God does not question our ability to conquer our doubts and fears because after all, He is the one with us, providing our strength, equipping us to face the battle.

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We often accept these things as head knowledge but don't let them become heart knowledge. How often have I been reminded of what I know of God's character only to question Him? Gideon plays the same game. Instead of focusing on his strength and ability through Christ, he focuses on his own weaknesses (v. 15). There have been many times throughout our TTC journey that I have felt like a broken piece of machinery. There is something wrong with me that meds attempt to correct and doctors monitor. I'm certain God has used these things to assist me on my way and ultimately He has used these things to further His purpose. In the case of our infertility He led me to new doctors that finally diagnosed my condition correctly and had a wealth of knowledge that finally provided answers. He brought me to professionals that could give me a plan.

In the darkest of those moments I've found myself needing to just sit and be still. It continues to be in those moments that God reminds me that He will be with me (v. 16). Everyday we encounter obstacles that challenge our faith. It's important that we focus our hearts and minds on the reminders that God provided for Gideon and remain true to this day...
1. He is orchestrating the journey.
2. He will be with us through it all.

What are you questioning God about right now?

Does it change your perspective to know that God is going before you and everything that you will encounter has been sieved through His hands?