Sifting through the Wreckage: The Need for Self-care after Tragedy

Tragedy is defined as “a lamentable, dreadful, or fatal event or affair; calamity; disaster.” Yep. That about sums it up. Unfortunately, there is not one person who can avoid tragedy. The degree of tragedy is both perceived and real and can only be determined by the person experiencing it. This also means that the methods of coping, mending and moving on will vary.

 Regardless of the type or level of tragedy, self-care needs take place.

 While I am not a doctor or psychologist, I have had a lot of experience as a CPS Social Worker, Behavior Specialist and teacher, working with others that have faced various degrees of trauma. I have seen the spirals. I have connected people with resources and watched them recover and mend. I’ve been the advocate, the shoulder to cry on and the voice of reason.

 I will be perfectly honest that it has been really difficult being on this side of tragedy. 3 months ago my world was changed. I have always been the “fixer” and I have since found myself not being able to fix anything.  I also know that the unhealthy eating habits, unaddressed emotions and situational avoidance that I’ve been dealing with are not proactive ways to care for myself.

 The week of Christmas, we took the kids out to look at Christmas lights. On the way, I, yet again, found my mind wandering back to October 11^th. I was revisited by the sights and smells. I could hear the sounds…the screams, the cries. I could hear my own voice pleading to God. Crying is a typical response for me these days, and, as my husband asked if I was okay, I finally admitted that no, I was not okay.

 It was time for me to do what I have helped others do for years. I needed to take care of myself.

 Self-care looks different for everyone. During that drive, on what should be a joyful, fun filled evening, I sifted through what I and my husband felt needed to be addressed.

-Emotional eating

-Avoidance

-Nightmares and flashbacks

-Triggers

After sifting through these things with my husband, we both agreed that I would benefit from counseling.

So what does my self-care look like?

I have been counseling with my pastor and now, a licensed counselor.

I have been attempting to regain a control of my eating. I have been planning my meals again, shopping for low-carb options, and meal prepping.

I have been slowly working my way back into small group settings.

I have been praying…a lot. My prayers have been transformed since October 11^th. God has revealed Himself in new ways and I have learned so much about His character. He has grown me in the most unexpected ways.

My Beauty from Ashes Journal-I have been keeping a journal. At the top of the page I have titled it Beauty from Ashes. It is a running list of all of the good things that have come from this tragedy. On the days when I cannot see past the tears, a look at the list of blessings that have stemmed from the heartache, bring me back to God’s goodness.

This is what self-care currently looks like in my life.

Whatever self-care needs to look like for you, please take the first step forward. Seek out professional help or a trusted friend that will guide you through the process. There is no shame in taking care of yourself. There is no shame in seeking out help for what is altering your life. Tragedy takes on many forms and so does self-care.

What I’ve learned up to this point is that it is better not to wait. In order to move forward, you have to take the first step. I’ve also learned that the first step should not be taken alone. Rally the support you need, even if that can only begin with one person. You will make it through this. You really will be okay…maybe not now, but one day. You will be okay.

Psalms 62:5-8

Let all that I am wait quietly before God, for my hope is in Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress, where I will not be shaken. My victory and honor come from God alone. He is my refuge, a rock where no enemy can reach me. Oh my people, trust in Him at all times. Pour out your heart to Him, for God is our refuge.

What is Your Lion?

What keeps you up at night? You may think that it is something you watched on television or the sad news on the other end of the phone or a stack of bills you cannot pay. However, if you really look at what is keeping you awake, you’ll find that it boils down to what those thoughts or situations are prompting. Difficult, threatening and painful situations evoke feelings. Those feelings come in the way anxiety and fear. It is the anxiety and fear that leaves you lying awake with a full mind, troubled heart, and a pile of used tissues.

 We think that it is the event or possibilities that keep us awake, but it is actually the feelings those circumstances or experiences evoke. I have been dealing with nightmares and flashbacks for the last couple of months. They cause my anxiety level to rise quickly. My stress level also rises. These high levels then begin impacting me physically. I’ll feel sick, tired and overwhelmed.

 During a recent counseling session, my counselor told me to find time over the next couple of weeks to sit with the tragedy that I had experienced. I did not know what she meant by that at first. She explained that I am constantly battling how I feel. I am constantly trying to be strong and be where people think I should be in the healing process. I am trying to plan ahead and predict what may or may not happen. She recognized that I have yet to really sit with what has happened…

 This Monday was a Snow Day. As a teacher, it means an extra day of snuggles and downtime with my kiddos. I woke up thinking, today needs to be the day. Today needs to be the day when I sit in the quiet and just be with what has happened. No processing. No “what ifs”. I need to just be with the reality. I took my kids to the sitter, and despite wanting them here with me, I came home and sat in the silence.

 Revisiting October 11^th is painful. In fact, painful does not begin to describe it, but without details that I am not quite ready to share, know that pain is weaved all throughout.

 I was drawn back to a verse that I had come across not long after getting this “assignment” from my counselor.

I think back to what happened and I think about this verse. This tragedy is my “lion”. I was spared life. Each day that passes, I find moments where sadness overwhelms me, but I am also seeing more moments of joy…joy that I was not sure I’d be able to feel again. We are instructed to rejoice in all things (1 Thessalonians 5:16) and I have been finding ways to rejoice about what I’ve been through. Each day He is giving me strength. He is offering me grace each morning my feet hit the floor. He is by my side. My testimony has grown exponentially through this devastation and as I become more able to share, it will serve as an avenue for me to witness to others about God’s goodness and love. There is a message in this part of my life that needs to be heard. Just as in Timothy’s time, there are those living a life without the Salvation of Christ. If my story can pierce or soften one heart that will come to know Him, then it will have been worth all the heartache.

I have been delivered from the lion’s mouth. I have been set apart to share what others can or may not share. I have seen how God has saved me from the wreckage. While I still struggle with certain feelings and circumstances, I am no longer captive, and you need not be either. He is by your side. He will give you strength. He will deliver you.

What is your lion?

My Top 3 in 2016

This year has been a whirlwind. I have experienced a roller coaster ride of emotions and experiences...so much so that I am still trying to catch my breath in a lot ways. I want to thank all of you have been offering your love and support as the days drift on. This year might have overtaken me if the love of the Lord had not been so evident through you.

In looking back over these past 12 months, I've come across some moments I've put to the back of my mind and others that seem as fresh as the day they happened. I thought to wrap up this year, I'd share the top 3 most viewed blog posts from Rejoice and Repeat.

3.

What's Bigger than My Diagnosis?

In this post I share our infertility struggles and what we did to overcome them.

2.

Two Months After Tragedy
In this post I share update on the healing and personal obstacles I have been dealing with since October's tragedy.

1.

When God Uses the Unimaginable
This post was the first I shared about the tragedy I experienced this fall.

Two Months After Tragedy

I realize the blog has been particularly quiet lately. We have had a lot of life happening and I just could not justify missing it to sit in front of my laptop. I hope to be slowing down. There is a lot I want to share…things I feel I need to share.

Beauty from the ashes.

December 11^th marked two months since the tragedy. Two months. It has been an amount of time that both seems so short and so long ago at the same time.

It has been two months of recovery, physically, emotionally and mentally. There are moments that I feel like I’ve come so far in the way that I have been coping and then there are moments when a sound or smell triggers a memory that sends my mind whirling back to the day. My heart races. The adrenaline shoots through my veins. I find myself shaking.

In those moments, I frantically seek for the familiar. I look or listen for something that brings me back to my reality. Fortunately, I find it.

Over the last month it has become fairly evident that it is assumed that I am back to “normal”. I suppose because of my personality, it should just be natural for me to jump back into life as it was before. However, life is not like it was before. To those who think it has all been “fixed” and I am “better”…please, give me more time without judgement.

In a recent session with my pastor and his wife, we discussed my grief and how this event has changed my life. It is not something I want to “just forget” and move on from. It is my new normal and it is shaping who I believe God is wanting me to become.

I have been reading through Holley Gerth’s book, You’re Goingto Be Okay. I have been amazed at how, with each chapter, the content is precisely what I need for what I am experiencing. Here are a couple of gems I have been mulling over the last couple of days…

“It’s clear he wants us to thrive. He longs to bless us, yearns to bring us joy, stops at nothing to make sure we have an opportunity to experience life to the full…those places of pain are not where we’re made to dwell” (p.112)

“Jesus said, ‘I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full’ John 10:10. He didn’t say an easy life. He didn’t say a self-indulgent life where all your wishes are granted. He didn’t say a life free from pain. But he did say a full life. One of joy, peace, love, and hope. It’s not only possible---it’s promised” (p.117)

I know there are still some who are not familiar with what has happened and in time, I believe that part of my testimony will be shared. October 11^th has become a part of me. However, as the Lord continues to remind me, it is not who I am. The flashbacks and the nightmares are not where I am meant to dwell. God does not mean for me to live without joy and happiness.

If you are going through a season of grief, sadness or pain, remember, while it may not seem as such, it is only temporary. This truth has become prevalent as we head into this Christmas season. Jesus Himself was no stranger to the aches in this life. After all, it is why He came. His descent from Heaven to Earth was to bring the promise of Hope and Joy. In knowing the days we would face ahead, God knew we would need something to cling to. That Hope came in the form of a baby in a manger. It came in the form of a man, leading a perfect, sinless life, who would later die for the sins and imperfections of all. It came in the form of a Savior on a cross, who would breathe His last breath to give us Life.

“For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save
the world through him.”
John 3:17

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Jehovah Shalom: The Lord is Peace

Peace.

A single syllable word that has the ability to hold more promise than its five letters can simply convey. We want it. We hope for it. We need it.

God promises it.

I myself will tend my sheep and give them a place to lie down in peace, says the Sovereign Lord.

Ezekiel 34:15

Over the last month I have dealt with levels of anxiety that I have not experienced in quite some time. The sweaty palms, quickened heart rate, nauseated stomach, social situation avoidance…the symptoms are many. Nothing about these moments have been peaceful. I fight a continuous battle between what I feel and what I know. My sour stomach constantly reminds me that I am not at peace. The nightmares remind me that my world has been shaken. The flashbacks bring tears that I wish I could stop crying.

This is real life. Not only am I working through all of this, but there is the rest of “life” that I am forced to deal with. It is quite overwhelming.

Peace.

I want it. I hope for it. I need it.

God promises it.

God is peace. He is Jehovah Shalom.

Too often I think we find ourselves living in the “what ifs”. What if this happens? What if that goes bad? What if…what if…what if…the possibilities of “if” are endless. I imagine Satan rubbing his hands together as a cruel smile crosses his face with each “what if” that sends us further and further into a spiral. Because of our sin nature, we naturally gravitate toward the negative. We tend to find the worst in situations. We imagine the worst, even if it is unlikely to happen. We let the “what ifs” get the better of us. The more “what ifs” we cram into our hearts and heads, the less space there is for peace to reside.

We are not meant to live this way.

In order to allow God to move in our lives as Jehovah Shalom, we have to make a conscience effort to adjust our thinking. We have to not immediately jump to the negative or what if. Is this easy? No. Necessary? Yes.

I have been continually seeking God in prayer. I have been writing scripture on my heart for when my anxiety begins to arise. Am I always successful? No. But I am making progress. I’m trying to allow God to penetrate my heart with His peace. I am trying to let His words reverberate in my head. It’s a process. This peace extends far beyond just the ache that I have been dealing with over the last month. It is relevant for the present and will be beneficial in the future. I’m learning how to fully accept His peace while working through my feelings.

“Don’t be afraid,” he said, “for you are very precious to God. Peace! Be encouraged! Be strong!” As he spoke these words to me, I suddenly felt stronger and said to him, “Please speak to me, my lord, for you have strengthened me.”

Daniel 10:19

Despite my best efforts, there will always be things out of my control. However, the One who holds my life in His hands is the One who is in control of everything. He is my God. He is my Peace. He is Jehovah Shalom.

You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you!

Isaiah 26:3

El Roi: The God Who Sees

3 weeks have passed. Some days it seems like it has been months and other days it seems like it just happened. Time can be a complicated thing.

There have been times over the last couple of weeks that I’ve really struggled. I’ve cried tears as fresh as the first ones to fall. In those moments I have found myself wondering if God really sees me…I mean really sees me.

As a mother, my heart aches at the sound of my children’s cries. I want so badly to alleviate their hurt. I want their pain to stop. I see them. I come to them.

God is my Father. My Heavenly-made the cosmos-holds the world in His hands-Father. He loved me before anyone in the world knew of my existence. It only stands to reason that He sees me. After all, He is omniscient.

I recently read Genesis 16. It is the story of Hagar. Through circumstances beyond her control she becomes pregnant, is badly treated by her mistress, and runs away out of fear and anguish. In the moment she feels most alone, God sends His angel to her. He sends His comfort and instruction.

God saw her. He saw a woman grieving. He saw a heart aching with little relief. He saw a soul needing rest and peace.

As I mulled over this, I realized that although our pain and angst are the result of very different circumstances, we are very similar in how God sees us.

God sees me. He sees a woman grieving. He sees a heart aching with little relief. He sees my soul needing rest and peace.

In those moments, the God Hagar came to know as El Roi (The God Who Sees) reminded me that He is also the God who sees me. He sees my tears. He hears my silent prayers. He knows my anxieties. He knows me better than I know myself. He sees my past. He sees my present and He sees my future. He is in it all.

Just as He watches me, it is that much more important that I keep my eyes on Him. This world can be treacherous and Satan knows our weaknesses. He knows what keeps us up at night and he knows how to stir up worst case scenarios in our minds. He loves helping us jump to the “what ifs”. However, he is hindered when our eyes are on Christ. His foothold is broken.

“My eyes are ever on the Lord, for only He will release my feet from the snare.” Psalm 25:15

As I continue to work through the emotional wreckage, it is a comfort to know that He sees me. He will come to me. He will cover me with His wings.

“He will cover you with His feathers, and under His wings You will find refuge; His faithfulness will be Your shield and protection.” Psalm 91:4

Treading the Waves

How are you doing? This has become the most frequently, awkwardly asked question in my life. The questioning comes with sincerity. The awkwardness comes from an inward place. I struggle with how to respond. I am not one to sugar coat things and honesty has always been the best policy…but I know people want to hear that I’m fine. I know they want to hear that I’m doing okay.

 In a lot of ways I am.

I am remaining grateful. I am learning the meaning of true grace. I am sleeping at night. My appetite has returned. I do not cry all day, every day anymore.

So, in comparison, I am doing better.

And yet, in a lot of ways I am not.

I struggle with enjoying the good things in my life. I know His grace is what I need, especially during this time, but it is hard to accept. I sleep, but sometimes the dreams are haunting. My appetite has returned but I’m not caring for myself the way I was before…I’m way off track. I do not cry all day, but I cry most days.

 There is a lot of healing still ahead. The physical pain comes and goes these days. At times, normal tasks are still difficult and by the end of the day, I need an ice pack and/or ibuprofen.

 I’ve come along way though in almost 3 weeks. I’ve accepted that I need to embrace a new normal, and I will…it will just take time.

 Lately, when people ask how I’m doing, the most honest answer I can muster without going into detail that will make them regret asking is, “it comes in waves.” It is the best way to describe how life is right now. I remember my first trip to the ocean and my first experience in the waves. There were moments of fun and laughter as I jumped into each wave, feeling it rush past my body. Then, in a split second, I was knocked down…pulled down by the undertow as the waves washed over me. One moment I was happy, enjoying every second of sunshine and the next I was fighting for air.

Waves. It comes in waves.

As I’ve searched for solice in scripture, I’ve run across so many verses that have brought comfort. Some are typical of what one would cling to during difficult times, but then there are ones like this that just hit my heart.

“He alone stretches out the heavens and treads on the waves of the sea.”

Job 9:8

Job is describing God. He is the Creator. He made the heavens and placed the stars in the sky. But it was the second part of the verse that caught me. “[He] treads on the waves of the sea.” Those waves that held me captive for moments without air shift at His command. They cause Him no worry. As the waves of grief crash over me, He is fully aware. He treads those waves. He goes before me. He knows the pain I feel. He understands the angst that leaves me unsettled. He sees the waves before they hit. He knows they are coming and acts in mighty ways to help keep me afloat.

He prompts a friend to text or call. He designates days for cards of encouragement in the mail. He knows whose hugs I need. He orchestrates the perfect song on the radio.

 He treads the waves and does not allow me to stay under for long. The waves hit but He is quick to respond and pull me up and with each hit and recovery, I grow stronger.

By His might, I will stand my ground where hope can be found…

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You're Going to be Okay...A Bookshelf Reminder

Aside from work, I have been laying pretty low lately. My body is still recovering, and emotionally, being in groups is difficult right now. I struggle to accept the “nothing but love” that is showered upon me in the presence of large numbers. It’s overwhelming.

Over the last few days, I have been reminded of the importance of human interaction and establishing normalcy. I’ve had flashbacks to the darkest time in my life up to this point and I know the signs of depression. I also know interventions and positive steps towards not falling into such a despondent state. I learned during that time, while some quiet and solitude can be healthy, complete isolation is not. Trouble comes when you cannot bring yourself to do the things you used to love.

 This past week I forced myself to attend my infertility support group meeting. My co-leader led the meeting, which was greatly appreciated. We only had a couple ladies attend this month, but even that was a bit challenging for me from a social standpoint. This isn’t me. I don’t shy away from my ministry. I don’t avoid those that I love…but right now it is just so hard.

 On Friday, I attempted a little “me time.” My husband had the kids and I was completely on my own. Truth be told, I wanted to go home, crawl under the covers and go to sleep. It would be easier than trying to stop myself from crying in public. However, healing does not come through avoidance.

I decided to visit a bookstore. I sat in the car for a few minutes getting a game plan in mind. My friend from back home had recommended a book that she felt might help me through some of this season. I knew where the Christian book section was in the store and I did not figure I’d have to be in there long to find it. I got out of the car and made my way towards the entrance. I’m still a little slow in the going so thank you, sir, in the idling car who patiently waited for me to cross the walkway.

I entered the store and the tempting scent of coffee wafted around me. I almost opted for a cup but I was on a mission. I went straight to the section that would hopefully house the book I had come for. I began skimming the titles/authors in search of the book. I found the book and took a closer look. Something in me seemed to say that this was not what I needed “right now”. I said a silent prayer. I asked for direction because there was this nagging feeling…a feeling that there was something else I had come for. I became teary as I read through various titles, all seeming wrong. I felt like there was something I was supposed to see, but I just wasn’t seeing it.

I found myself alone in the isle. I was confronted with hundreds of titles, most containing promises of healing, ways to know the love of Jesus, etc. I stood there uncertain of exactly what I needed. In a brief, silent heart’s cry, I begged the Lord to let me know that I was going to be okay. I needed to know that I would make it through this and His purpose would be fulfilled through the circumstances.

I lifted my eyes and they immediately fell upon one title. It was a single copy pressed against the left hand side of the book shelf. Bright, distractingly colored copies of other titles beckoned for attention but my focus was on this one title…

You’re Going to Be Okay

I’ve labeled this experience as divine intervention. So many times over the last week and a half, God has revealed Himself in ways that could never lend themselves to just mere coincidence. God has proven Himself good. He has proven Himself gracious. He has provided. He has calmed and embraced me with His peace and here, once again, in a weary, tear stained moment, He responded.

My heart’s cry: Will I ever be okay? His response: You’re going to be okay.

 The Lord will guide you continually, giving you water when you are dry and restoring your strength.

Isaiah 58:11

I bought the book. I have since been diving into its print. It is filled with biblical truth and wisdom. The words jump from the page and straight to my heart. I believe, without a doubt, that this book was meant for me. It is a tangible way for God to reach me. I express myself best through the written word and likewise, I respond well to it.

This ordinary moment in time has made an extraordinary mark on my heart. God continues to respond to the cries of my heart. He continues to make His involvement known. While right now I do not know exactly how He’ll pull us all through this, I know undeniably that He will. His purpose will be fulfilled. His plan will be accomplished…and I will be okay.

 The Lord says, “I will guide you along the best pathway for your life. I will advise you and watch over you."

Psalm 32:8

*The book that I have been led to read is titled You’re Going to BeOkay: Encouraging Truth Your Heart Needs to Hear, Especially on the Hard Daysby Holley Gerth. I was in no way compensated for this post. Its mention was made on my own accord. However, from what I have read so far, whatever season, no matter how bright or dark, this book is a wonderful, timely read.

When God Uses the Unimaginable

There are terrible life experiences that we would deem unimaginable…unfathomable. We see them on the news, we read them in the paper, and we hear them spread around small towns. Sometimes we know the people. Sometimes we don’t. But what happens when it is you? What happens when you experience the unimaginable?

 I’m processing this very thing right now.

 When I accepted Christ at 7 years old, I knew I loved Jesus. When I recommitted my life at the age of 13 I was on fire for Jesus. I wanted God to use me in big ways to grow the Kingdom. This desire to reach others for Christ led me to being active in my church’s youth/college group, on mission trips, camp counseling and eventually youth ministry. I still get teary at the announcement of someone’s salvation and I often cry at baptisms. To see others recognize their need and love of the Lord overwhelms my heart.

 A while back I recognized that this fire had quieted some. I had become comfortable in my own little world, raising my kids, being a wife, and living out our plans as a family. We’ve kept Christ in our lives and we actively teach our children about His goodness. However, I realized that I was personally becoming a little lukewarm. I’d become very comfortable in letting others do Kingdom work that I could be doing. I asked God to draw me closer to Him. I asked Him to help me help others come to know Him.

“It is God who is at work in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure.”

Philippians 2:13

He has since responded and it has come through an unimaginable tragedy. The story is one that I  can’t emotionally share at this time but know that it has already etched itself into my testimony. Testimonies are meant to be shared and when the time is right, I’ll be able to do so. Until then, I will remain sifting through the pieces, the emotions and my purpose.

Many are the plans in a person's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails.

Proverbs 19:21

 For those who know of the situation, they, like myself, struggle to fathom how it has all come to be. I’ve stopped asking the “why” questions. I do not need those answers and most of the questions that I have posed up to this point have been answered through God’s divine intervention. As time continues on, I hear more and more about how God is using this devastation to further the Kingdom. Hearts are being won for Christ.  While I do not understand the why or what of it all, I do understand that God is using this for good. He is using the pain for His glory and people are being led to salvation. Eyes are being opened. Families are reconnecting. Prayer lives are being rekindled. Appreciation of others is extending. His grace is abounding. His peace is reaching realms beyond our understanding.

 So what do I do and what can I recommend you do when God allows the unimaginable to cause pain?

I suggest, as I am, that you allow Him to heal you.

He heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds.

Psalm 147:3

 The pain comes in waves, both physical and emotional. The ache for wholeness is sometimes overwhelming, but it means we are alive. It means our purpose has not been fulfilled. There is still something left for us to do. In my situation, this carries great weight. The extremes that God has used to reach others and change me often leaves me speechless…but only because I know that if He is willing to put me through this, He has something much greater in store. The devastation is not a result of a lack of love. It is not a result of anyone’s disobedience. It is a result of a fallen world and God’s desire to bring us back to Him. Do not stay angry. Do not disconnect. Hold tight to the Healer. Allow Him to embrace you when you ache. Allow your heart to pour out the words that your mouth cannot utter.

I lift my hands to you in prayer. I thirst for you as parched land thirsts for rain.

Psalm 143:6

 When we accept Christ that means we accept His purpose for us. We can never fully know what He has in store for us…how He’ll use us. It may not be in the way we’d wish it, but I know without a doubt that it will result in things far better than we could hope for. His will is perfect. His love for us is vast. His grace is sufficient.

 “…Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” 

Matthew 11:28-29

In those things, we must rest when we experience the unimaginable. Allow yourself to be held.

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