Fat and Old are one in the same...

I would consider today a pretty good day...with the exception of the last 20 minutes of my school day. One of my students was talking about how his mom is a "young mom". I don't know how I ended up in the conversation, nor do I know how the conversation got to where it did...but here is a snippet of what I'd like to hope would completely horrify his parents...

Student: Mrs. Mays, my mom is probably younger than you.
Me: What makes you think that?
Student: (as he lowers his tone) She must be younger because she's not as FAT as you are.
Me: ::speechless::

I did not know how to respond and the students around him just dropped their jaws. Later on, the same student comes to my desk...

Student: You look just like my grandma.
Me: How do we look alike?
Student: Well, you don't have the same hair and you don't have the same face. She wears different clothes...but you have the same skin.

Let's just say I was far from flattered. A double whammy insult. I know this may all sound ridiculous, especially coming from an adult, but my overly emotional self got her feelings hurt today. I've been so excited over this week's 2lb weight loss and the fact that more of my clothes are getting comfortable again. I have always battled my weight and I took care to not over gain during my pregnancy. I lost my baby weight quickly as I was nursing but as my supply diminished the pounds began coming back. I've been working on trying to get this off. I've been dealing with a lot when it comes to being okay with the skin that I'm in and I took comments about my "huge" status during pregnancy with a grain of salt. I guess between the hormones, the lack of restful sleep, and my current self perception, his comments just added salt to the wound.

Of course times like this are when Satan steps up to the plate and hits you while you're down. On the way home I could not help but wonder if that is what people really think of me, just have enough courtesy not to say it out loud. Deep down I do not believe this to be true and I know lies from the pit are being pelted at me left and right as I try to regain some self confidence. I refuse to believe I am a "fat old lady" at the age of 28. "Out of the mouth of babes" has a whole new meaning.

It also got me thinking about how kids will just say what comes to mind. No. Filter. I can only hope and pray that we'll be able to teach G courtesy and tact at an early age.

I suppose I'll now go tend to my wounds and spend the last few minutes of the evening with my hubby...good thing there is no ice cream in the house.

Making Plans...

Where to start...this past week has been a whirlwind and I'm just now starting to settle down. There is just something about spending time with my church family that helps put things back in perspective. C has been pulling a 48 hour shift, so this weekend has been just us girls. It's as if G knows it is the weekend and she feels entitled to have me all to herself. It can be almost impossible sometimes. I'm glad to say she is getting better...we are both getting better...about finding ways for me to get things done around here.

Yesterday, during a rare three hour nap (granted she had to sleep in the recliner with mommy), I went Pinterest happy and found a lot of things I'd like to attempt, whether it be cooking, baking, sewing, etc. I also started a board called The Home We'll Grow Old In. This board is filled with ideas for our future home. C and I have always had a dream to build. Several of our friends are finding joy among the frustration of building and/or moving into what will be their "grow old" homes. C and I have been looking at land in the area and we have narrowed our choices of floor plans down to a couple. We are just so ready to get settled. We are also aiming to find out all we'll need to know and have a plan in place by the first of the year. It is our hope (and dream) to be able to start moving forward with this major project sometime in the Spring. We continue to pray for God's wisdom and provision in this process. Our other concern of course is the matter of selling our current home. We live at the base of the Blue Ridge mountains. While the view is gorgeous, we are a good distance from the nearest Walmart...which deters a lot of people. We just pray that the right people will be ready at the right time for all of this to fall together. We are trying to come up with a back up plan in case our house sells faster than expected. We are also trying to figure out what we would do if our home takes longer to sell than we hope. We cannot pull two mortgages. I welcome any insight on building a home and what to do with our current home during this process.

May 2011 with my mom. This is just one of the views from our house. This is also a time in
my weight journey that I was really happy with how I looked and I felt so good!

We've also been working on a "will" in the event that C and I should be called home before our child(ren) reaches adulthood. While this is an extremely depressing and morbid matter, it has to be addressed. I was given good advice by a friend of mine to put qualities and must haves on a list. Take the list and begin making note of which people (whom you are pretty certain would be okay with being asked to care for your child) have what on your list. This will help narrow down your selection. This has not been easy. We know that feelings will probably be hurt by the end of this but we need to do what we feel will ultimately be best for our daughter. Some of the most important things included on our list are:

-Christians with an active love for and dedication to the Lord
-Active in their church
-Financially sound (this does not mean rich. This means they know how to handle their money and the provisions that the Lord provides.)
-Similar views on discipline
-Similar views on education
-Willing to keep a connection with all of our child(ren)'s family
-Knows and loves our child(ren)
-Has a strong family support system
-Will forever remind our child(ren) of the crazy amount of love we had for him/her

There are additional items on our list but this provides a good representation of things that we want for our child(ren) in the event that we are no longer here to provide care. We continue to pray that our final selection will be open to providing this for our child and are willing to accept the responsibility.

Now that I've about made myself cry again, we'll move on. As many of you know, I have been trying to find a balance that will allow me to get off these last few baby pounds and then hopefully a few more. This past week was super challenging and I did not put forth much of an effort. I was just emotionally and physically exhausted. My best friend reminded me that there is always hope for tomorrow and I can do this. No matter how many steps I take back, I can still move forward. I HAVE to move forward. I am so unhappy with myself and I know this bleeds into other areas of my life. It's hard to love myself where I am when I can't fit in my clothes the way I used to and I feel, frankly disgusted, when I look in the mirror. I know this goes against all that God wants for me. I am not focusing on the creation that He has made me to be. I feel guilty for not caring for myself and ensuring that His temple is well tended to. This also has to change. He has made me to do great things and when I focus on the negative things (that I can change but don't) my joy is suppressed...as is my witness and worship. I'm so thankful for a God who is faithful when my faith wanes. I am thankful for a God who loves me even when I'm truly unlovable. I am thankful for a God who has all things but still wants me. I've got some proactive things going on this week and I'm hoping to begin making the changes that need to occur. While I know this won't be easy, I know I can do it. I've got God, my amazing husband, and "my person" (along with many others) on my side, encouraging me along the way. This journey is not the one I want to be on, but I can't get somewhere else if I don't get going.

Speaking of, I suppose I should be productive while G is sleeping...enjoy the rest of this blessed day.

Just for Fun

I have this quote posted at school and thought it only appropriate to post it as a bit of continued encouragement...

Mom's Night Off

These last couple of days have been really trying for various reasons. I feel emotionally spent. I'm sleeping but not rested. I'm so blessed to have a husband who knows his wife and knows how to make me feel better.

I picked up G after work and made my way home. I brought her into the house and he was there to greet me. He helped bring in the groceries and got G settled while I put them away.

To make things even better, he had made dinner! He tried a new recipe and it was delicious!!! Did I mention how amazing he is? Then tonight, I had to make a breakfast dish for a co-worker's birthday breakfast in the morning. He took over taking care of G so I could get this accomplished. He gave her a bath and is now putting her to bed. It was so nice to be able to love on my miracle...but it was also nice to have a little mommy break. He is such a blessing.

I'm really looking forward to tomorrow night. C will be off and we'll all be home together. He's been working a lot and our time together is needed and just as precious.

Well...I suppose I should take the next few minutes to get things ready for tomorrow. Maybe I'll even get to bed early! Praise God for a husband who loves his wife and a for a man who is an amazing father to his daughter. I could not have asked for anything more.

Is it too early to take a personal day?

While the following post contains circumstances that are far from big world problems, it does contain a day that would have served me much better in bed.

I managed to get out of the house this morning without having to change anyone's clothing. That was a big deal! I then made it to the sitter's and dropped G off right on time. I was heading down the road, minding my own business, when a school bus pulled up to a stop sign at a road I was approaching. I was clearly visible and more than close enough for a slow moving vehicle to just sit tight...but NO! This crazy school bus pulls out right in front of me. Good thing I wasn't sneezing and my blinks were timed just right, otherwise it would have been a bad day for all of us. I gathered my frustration and focused on making it to the gas station in one piece.

Once at the gas station I pumped my gas and decided to treat myself to a breakfast sandwich. I walked into the store and placed my order. Upon coming up to the register, I could not find my debit card. I began mentally freaking out. I was trying to remember the last time I used it. Did I leave it in a pair of pants at home? Did it fall out in the diaper bag? And the list goes on...I could not recall where on earth I had put it. Fortunately I had some cash and paid for my breakfast. Upon getting back to the Jeep, I began rummaging through G's diaper bag in an attempt to locate my debit card. Any guesses where I found it? In my pocket. It dawned on me that I had used it to pay at the pump for gas. ::sigh:: I was totally embarrassed and sat in my vehicle for a few minutes just shaking my head. I just kept praying that this would not set the precedent for the remainder of my day.

The rest of my day was dotted with forgetting things, dropping things, and lots of sighing. I'm pretty sure my hormones are still completely messed up from pregnancy. I've also been pretty weepy today, which is not normal. All I wanted to do was pick up G and get home. Upon arriving home, my precious hubby had put a pizza in for dinner. Of course he picked the supreme pizza. I do not like this particular type of pizza, and not to sound ungrateful, but I opted for mediocre leftovers. I thanked him many times for the attempt. (This pizza was bought for him to eat on his days off.)

I'm now at home while my hubby is up at my in-laws. He took G to see them for a bit so they could get their grand baby fix. I sat for a few minutes in the chair and shed a few tears. Women are so weird. Why do we do that? C kept asking what was wrong prior to leaving and I really don't know. I do know that sometimes, as a female, we just need a good cry. Anyway...I began feeling silly just crying in my empty house so I decided to be productive. Just a few minutes before sitting down to type this post, I put the baby's bottles in to soak and swept/mopped both the living room and bathroom floors. I figured this would be more beneficial that sitting around having my mascara run.  I'm looking forward to my hubby and baby coming home in a bit, some much desired snuggle time for all, and a few moments of adult conversation with the love of my life.

"Be still, and know that I am God..."

Psalm 46:10a

And the walls fall down...

Another Monday is under my belt. The day went pretty quickly and I'm now home with my beautiful baby. She is sweetly sleeping at the moment, which is rare for this time of night. I still can't believe she turned 4 months old today! While in the grand scheme of things this is merely a drop in the bucket, it is still hard to fathom that she is now this old. She has grown and changed so much!

Speaking of changes, I got a call from my mom today. She called to say that the old farm house that I grew up in was torn down some time recently. This causes a lot of mixed emotions to surface. This was the house where some fond childhood memories were made. It is also the house where I had to grow up way too fast, tears were cried, fears were faced, and forts were made.

Over the years this home became a house I no longer recognized. My parents divorced when I was 8. After a while, my mom, sisters and I moved out of the house and into a small house in town. The farm house became an every other weekend, 6 weeks out of the summer home. Happy childhood memories became few and far between for us in that house. Some of the best times there centered around building forts out of random materials found around the farm.

The walls in that house had many stories to tell. One of their last would be the sudden, unexpected passing of my dad last year. Sometime after his death, family went through his things and that's where it pretty much ends. The sentiments regarding the demolition of my childhood home are bittersweet.

I pray our children have countless fond memories in our home. I pray their memories are filled with love and kindness. Even now we try to ensure that our home is a safe place for the heart, soul and head to rest. May God bless and always be the center of our home.

Sauce on Sunday

Normally, you would find me worshiping with my fellow brothers and sisters at our church on any given Sunday morning. Unfortunately, I woke up not feeling the best today. I'm pretty sure it's my sinuses. To add to this very rainy day, G ha been fighting naps all day. Even as I type this, she is making it well known that she is a "fighter" and will not give in to the sleep fairy's beckoning without a battle. Someday she'll welcome a nap...like when she has her own daughter who refuses to nap while she fights a headache. Ah, the joys of motherhood.

During one of G's more mellow moments today, I decided to try my hand at some homemade enchiladas. I generally take a lot of short cuts with this dish, simply because my energy level by the end of the day is next to none and I want to use what I have left to spend time with my daughter. As a side note, I am pleased to say that thanks to "night before" prepping, I am back to cooking the way I did before G was born. Ok...back to the enchiladas.

I've decided to call this recipe Cast Iron Enchiladas.

Begin by gathering your ingredients.
You will need:
For the sauce...
1.5 tsp cumin
.5 tsp chili powder
1 tsp garlic powder
salt
pepper
15oz tomato sauce
1c chicken stock (low sodium)
15oz can of black beans, drained and divided

For the tortilla wraps:
8 flour tortillas
1lb of lean, ground hamburger (chicken, turkey or venison)
4oz diced chilies
1c black beans
3c shredded sharp cheddar cheese, divided

Salsa and sour cream for topping...and whatever else you'd like.

 

 

Begin by heating one cup of the black beans in some EVOO. Mash them. Add the tomato sauce and spices. Stir well. Add the chicken stock and heat through. Add salt and pepper to taste.

 

While the sauce is heating, cook your ground beef and drain any fat. Next add 1 cup of your sauce mixture and the chilies. Add a dash of salt and pepper. Combine and heat through.

Preheat your oven to 350 degrees. Grease your LARGE cast iron skillet with EVOO. I had an epiphany during this step. I should have just made the sauce in the pan. Next time, I'll make the sauce in the pan and pour out what I'll need for other parts of the dish into a small bowl.

 

Cover the bottom of your skillet with a thin layer of the sauce.

Now the real fun begins! Lay a tortilla on your work surface. Spoon a generous helping of the meat mixture onto the tortilla. Add your cheese.

Roll the tortilla and place seam side down into the skillet.

Repeat this step until all of your tortillas have been filled.

Cover with the remaining sauce and spread a nice yummy layer of cheese over the top of the sauce.

Bake for about 20-30 minutes or until the cheese is melted and bubbly.

Dollop some sour cream and any additional toppings you'd like and enjoy!!!

 

 

It has taken multiple attempts to complete this blog today. Between laundry, an ornery baby, and a husband that came home super sick this afternoon, I've had a time trying to complete anything else. I will never complain however. This is just one of those days that I count as a blessing. I have my precious family and I am healthy and able. I can care for them when they need me and there are few better feelings than being wanted and knowing that you have what your family needs. I thank God everyday for this beautiful life. I continue to learn how to praise Him during the storms that pass by. I am blessed to know Him as my Savior and because of Him, I can face tomorrow. Have a blessed Sunday evening! 

The first of many finish lines...

While my 5k training is greatly slacking, I feel quite accomplished to have successfully completed this first week of school. I always forget just how difficult the first week can be. My darlings are becoming very comfortable very quickly. This poses all sorts of challenges, but it does allow me to see more of their personalities.

It was so nice to pick up G at the end of this day and see her beautiful smile. It melts my heart every time. We were able to spend some special mom and baby time with C at work tonight. These moments are so special to me. A while back I was given "If I Could Keep You Little" by Marianne Richmond, as a gift. I got super teary the first time I read it and G wasn't even here yet. I picked up those precious pages and read them to G before bed. I was determined to keep the waterworks to a minimum so that G would stay comfy through the remainder of the book. I then fed her and rocked for a bit. It is always so hard to lay her down for the night. I could rock her always.

If I could keep you little,
I'd keep you close to me. But then I'd miss you growing
into who you're meant to be!

 

 

I'm looking forward to C being home tomorrow. Our family time is truly a treasure. We have a few errands to run and then hopefully we'll get in some much needed r&r. At some point I plan to get a freezer meal plan together so that come September I can do some major cooking that will save me time this fall/winter. I've also GOT to get going on my 5k training. At this point I may just be power walking the whole thing. Right now the goal is to finish :) I miss being more in shape. I miss feeling (semi)comfortable in my skin. I've got to do some work physically and mentally so that I don't pass these insecurities onto my daughter. She will face enough as she gets older. I want her to love herself and see herself the way God sees her. He has made her in His image and I want her to be confident and secure in all that He has done...now if only I could take my wishes for her and live them out myself. One day at a time...

Time Trials

So today's theme has been all "time" related. It began with my alarm not going off. I woke up 30 minutes late thanks to my internal clock. My phone was plugged in, or so I thought...apparently it only had the appearance and instead of charging, the battery life was depleted and my phone died. Thankfully, I did wake up. I rushed through a shower knowing that I only had about 30 minutes before G would be waking up. I was dressed and had my hair done by the time she woke up. I fed her and enjoyed what was left of my morning with her. We got to the babysitter and I was out the door on my way to school. I managed to get my makeup on and felt a little bit better as the calm of my empty classroom took hold. This, too, was all too short. Our bell system is broken so somewhere around 8:45a the students started pouring in.

We are attempting a new schedule this year. I love how it looks on paper and so far it is working pretty well. With the exception of forgetting recess on the first day, I'd say the new routine has been pretty successful. The hours passed on and before I knew it,  my students were gone and remnants of the day stared back at me...cracker crumbs here, broken crayons there, lead-less pencils in the "sharpened basket" and a mound of papers to be filed...I texted my hubby and asked that he pick up the baby this afternoon. About an hour later, my room was much better off and I could see my desk calendar.

After stopping by the store, I got home in time to make a late dinner. My hubby had the grill going so I could throw on the bratwursts. I was feeling good. The meat was on the grill, the macaroni noodles were boiling away and my baby was sitting pretty with her daddy. I could not help but spend some precious moments talking with her and doing whatever it took to make her smile.

What seemed like seconds later (but was really MUCH longer) my husband reminded me about dinner. By this time I had the baby so he went to pull the links off the grill and finish the macaroni and cheese. Moments later he came into the living room with a look of defeat. I had let the bratwursts burn and the noodles were without water...I have not messed up a meal like this in...well...gosh...I can't remember when. I take so much pride in even the simplest of meals. It quickly became evident that my hormones are still on the fritz. I started to cry with the feelings of defeat and exhaustion. I have been running full force this week and it was at that moment that it all hit. Thank goodness tomorrow is Friday!

I'm also dealing with the fact that my baby girl will be 4 months old on Monday. While rocking her to sleep tonight, I kept going back to the day of her birth. While my time in the delivery room was quick and not typical of a first time mom, the moments are burned in my memory. I can still see the exact moment when they placed that beautiful baby girl on my chest. I remember my thoughts ("It's over! I'm a mom! Oh my word, she looks just like her dad!). I had 4 hours of "active labor" although I would only consider the last hour to be truly active. I pushed for about 7 minutes and at 1:33a the next morning, our lives were changed forever.

I think of the extra days in the hospital. I think of the every hour and half feedings for the first 3 weeks. I think of the 2 months I was able to nurse before my supply depleted (thanks to my PCOS). I think of the  3 1/2 months I was blessed to be able to stay home with her. I think of the precious hours I miss with her while I am working to help support our family. I think of the priceless, quiet hours of the morning and evening that I get to spend with her. I am in awe of the fact that our baby girl has been in our lives for 13 months and in our arms for almost 4 of those.

My heart is often heavy these days as I glance at her picture every chance I get, but my soul rejoices in every memory that I am able to share with her. I thank God for her throughout the day. I've never prayed for someone the way I pray for our child. There is something about the bond between a mother and her child that only the Lord can understand.

Time changes things...we are forever being altered by circumstances, both big and small, joyous and heartbreaking. I think the most comforting thing about the changes that time brings is the fact that God remains constant and present through them all. He never changes. He is forever present and forever working all things for the good of those who love Him.

"And we  know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose for them."

 

Romans 8:28

 

Just for Fun

Here is a picture of the sign given to us by my best friend for G's room. This has been a verse held close to both of us and represents various times in our friendship and in our lives. I treasure what this verse means for me and for my daughter's future.

 

 

We also have a life verse for G. We plan to have one to dedicate to each of our children. Here is the one that came to our hearts for our first born.

 

"For this child I have prayed and the Lord has given me the desire of my heart."

1 Samuel 1:27



First Day Flops...

Well, this school year has officially begun. The students returned today in full force. It's amazing how the school year transitions. Just three months ago we were saying farewell to a group of soon to be second graders. I had the honor of teaching them and watching them grow and (somewhat) mature over the course of the year. The cycle has come full circle as I now greet my fresh out of kindergarten class. It's amazing what a few months of structure and academic/social growth can do...I look forward to watching them blossom.

This morning went pretty smoothly all things considered. G became sick yesterday and had a low grade temperature last night when I laid her down. She woke up with her fever gone, but she had gained some new symptoms. Fortunately, my husband was able to stay home with her today. This morning was probably the hardest I've had since returning to work. It was almost impossible to bear the thought of leaving my sick little one at home. My heart ached to snuggle her all day long. I'm pretty proud of myself for not breaking down.

My husband called to say that he contacted the pediatrician and was able to put my mind at ease. The doctor has instructed us to keep an eye on her fever, should it come back, and just ensure that she is getting plenty of sleep and plenty of fluids. For now we just watch and wait. She's not 100% but she's still a happy little baby. She truly lights up my world.

After arriving at school, I quickly finished a few last minute things. My day was initially thrown off because our school bell is currently broken. The kids began coming in without any warning and I scrambled to make sure I was able to greet them and direct them through their morning duties. The majority of the morning was filled with procedures, practice, and "getting to know you" activities. We went over their schedule and things that they can expect throughout the week. As lunch time drew near, one of my students asked how much longer we had until lunch. I responded and continued to teach. A few seconds later, the same student said, "aren't we supposed to have recess before lunch?" AHHH!!! He was SO right! I had been completely caught up in what we were doing that I had forgotten about recess! In my defense, we have a new schedule this year. In the past, our recess has always been after lunch. This is clearly going to take some getting used to. Fortunately, we were able to go out with Kindergarten after lunch. Everyone was very forgiving.

This year will pose a lot of new changes...everything from administration changes to classroom routine. I look forward to many of these changes and I feel completely at peace about what lies ahead for me this year. I am finally starting to feel confident in my ability to do what God has called me to do and I look forward to serving Him in this way.

This year is also going to pose some new challenges. With a new group of students there are always things to work out and work on. This year will be no exception. I just continue to pray over my students and I sincerely hope that all interactions, whether students, parents, or staff, are meaningful and productive.

I've yet to get back to my 5k training (::hanging head in shame::) and with the exhaustion that I felt upon coming home today, the near future is not looking too promising. By the time I get home all I want to do is snuggle with the baby that I have missed so much all day long. You combine that with minor housework, dinner, bath, baby bedtime, etc. and the day is gone. I'm not sure how to find a balance...so if anyone has any suggestions, I'm all ears.

Speaking of bedtime, the morning will come far too quickly. Day 1 is done...mentally preparing for Day 2. The first week is always the hardest...

Camera in the Kitchen

Today was a rather successful "me" kind of day. G slept in until about 6a and then remained pretty content this morning. My hubby came home later in the morning and graciously took over with G so that I could do some things around the house. I was able to clean the bathroom, experiment with a new cupcake icing, and make a much desired homemade pizza. It's funny how these things would have been nothing special to accomplish before G was born, and now, these things are considered true accomplishments.

I thought I'd share a couple of the things I did today in detail (don't worry, cleaning the bathroom will not be included).

I'll begin with the cupcakes. I made my personal double chocolate cupcakes.

While they were cooling, I began work on the Salted Caramel Icing. I combined the ingredients into my sauce pan and brought them to a boil. After 2 minutes, the sauce was off the heat and cooling.

I then poured the salted caramel sauce into my mixing bowl. I added the powdered sugar. The only issue is that it needed to be thinned out a bit more...as the caramel continued to cool, the icing became thicker. I'll remember this for next time.

 

I then iced my cupcakes and added a chocolate drizzle. Generally, my cupcakes look much prettier. Due to time constraints and the thickness of the icing, I just spread it on. I would call this "rustic". I've learned over my years of cooking/baking that anything that does not turn out perfectly can be called rustic and I no longer have to feel bad about the appearance :) These cupcakes made their way to the fire department with my husband tonight. I commend them for all of their hard work. Sending in some cupcakes is the least I can do for all they do for others.

 

 

Once the cupcakes were done, I began working on what I would consider to be one of my favorite forms of comfort food. My mom made this particular homemade pizza when I was growing up. She made it for us a couple weeks ago when we were home and it just brought back that feeling of being a kid. My husband really enjoyed it and even requested it. While pizza is my favorite food, he only wants it on occasion, so it was kind of a big deal. While this pizza is nothing flashy, it does wonders for the heart and soul.

 

I began by browning my sausage. 

 While the sausage cooled, I began making the dough by combing the following: 1 cup of luke warm water, 1 package of fast rising yeast and two cups of flour (you will also need more flour to better handle it). The nice thing about this recipe is that you can use whole wheat flour or a combo for your dough and of course the topping selection is endless.

 I then kneaded my dough and formed my crust on a 9x13 baking sheet.

 My mom does not use pizza sauce in this recipe. Instead she uses a simple tomato sauce, which gives it the flavor that takes me back to childhood.

 I then added a thin layer of cheese and topped it with my sausage.

 

 I covered the sausage with the remaining cheese and baked it at 350 for about 35 minutes. The key is to bake it until your cheese is just staring to get that golden brown color. Enjoy!

 

I'm opting out of any lengthy thoughts tonight. I am just rejoicing in this day and the things that I was able to do. I have such a love of baking and cooking and to be able to do that and share it with others is more than enough.

 

 

Just for Fun

 

G and her daddy taking an afternoon nap before he had to leave for work.

Haunted by Habits

Another school year is upon us. In just a couple of short days my students will arrive in all their glory, supplies in hand, hope in their hearts, and big ideas in their heads. It's hard to believe the time has arrived to begin again. I've spent everyday working on my classroom this week. My lesson plans are complete, activities are compiled and copies are made. I've arranged my room, the decorations are up, and the calendar marks upcoming birthdays...and the first day hasn't even begun. I've set a few goals in hope that this year will flow smoothly. I'm ahead in my lesson planning and I plan to keep this up so that I can leave once my students have gotten on their buses. I do not want to stay any longer after the day is done. I'm also determined to keep a clean, organized desk. Unfortunately, walking out of my room today, I glanced back only to see that it is beginning to look like it did last year...cluttered with multiple piles of papers that I'll have to sift through in order to find what I want. This is not how I want to start or spend my year. First thing Monday morning I will clear my desk of any items that do not belong...and hopefully keep it that way. Some habits are hard to break.

Speaking of those haunting habits...I started out so strong with my exercise routine. It went by the wayside while on vacation and I've yet to really pick it back up. I have done much better with eating healthier again, but I won't see promising results until I get myself back in action. I've got to find a way to balance what I need to do for myself and yet ensure that I am spending quality time with my family and meeting both my home and work obligations. I have a lot on my plate and the sad thing is that I've put several things on the back burner so as not to burn myself out. For instance, I used to be very active with our church youth group. Since the end of my pregnancy and then the birth of my daughter, I have not been involved. It really  makes me sad and rather disappointed in myself. I'm sure they don't even realize I'm gone anymore. I've just really struggled getting back into the swing of things. The plan is that on the Wednesday nights that my hubby is home, I'll be with the youth group. We want her to be with one of us after being with the sitter all day. Besides that, Wednesday night services begin right around her fussy time. It's just best if she is home. Unfortunately, C's schedule has not allowed me to return as of yet. Hopefully I'll be able to go this coming Wednesday.

This weekend will hopefully be relaxing. My hubby will be home tomorrow. We may be heading to a cookout tomorrow evening. Otherwise, we have no plans, which is always nice. I hope to just spend the day with my darling family before work goes into full swing. Sunday will consist of church and then some much desired mommy and baby time. I must say, this week has gone much better than expected. G has transitioned very well into going to the sitter. We have established a really good routine up to this point and I hope it continues. This next week will pose its own difficulties and new transitions when  things really get rolling. Hopefully it will go just as smoothly.

I'm still working out how to balance my emotions with reality. There are many days when I wish I lived closer to "civilization". There are many reasons why I hope God will allow us to make a slight change in scenery...until then, I just try to remember to be grateful. I recently finished my devotion series on prayer. I continue to try to keep prayer intentional and an open, ongoing conversation with my Savior. I was able to begin a new devotional this week. It is called Holy Emotions-Biblical Responses to Every Challenge. It is very appropriate for this particular season in my life. One of the most significant truths that I have been reminded of came from yesterday's reading: "One of the most practical instances of where we choose God or choose self is in our emotional preferences and habits. You must give up your right to whine and pout and then wholeheartedly embrace the plan of God for your life, which is found in the fruit of the Spirit. You  were created for good works and not for the works of the flesh or for the opinions of your emotions." In a nutshell...to live for Christ I must choose to accept what God has for me. I need to WANT what God has for me and get past the "opinions of my emotions". This type of action does not happen instantly, nor does it happen once and all is well...it is an intentional, continual challenge...and because of who my God is, I know it will be well worth the effort.

Just for Fun

Our beautiful little girl melts my heart everyday with something new. She turned 16 weeks today and is becoming such a "big girl".

Ecclesiastes

Time flies...it seems like yesterday that I was holding G in my arms for the first time and now, 3 1/2 months later, it's the time of year when summer ends and school begins. We have encountered many changes over the last year and I know that there are still more to come...I've had mixed emotions about a lot of things lately and as I try to sort through my thoughts and feelings, several verses come to mind. As I reflected on them, it was rather amazing, but not necessarily surprising that I am going through or have recently gone through many of the times that God knew we'd have.

 

 For everything there is a season,
  a time for every activity under heaven.
  A time to be born and a time to die.
  A time to plant and a time to harvest.
 A time to kill and a time to heal.
  A time to tear down and a time to build up.
 A time to cry and a time to laugh.
  A time to grieve and a time to dance.
 A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones.
  A time to embrace and a time to turn away.
 A time to search and a time to quit searching.
  A time to keep and a time to throw away.
 A time to tear and a time to mend.
  A time to be quiet and a time to speak.
 A time to love and a time to hate.
  A time for war and a time for peace.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

 

Just some examples that correlate with the above verses: G was born 10 days after the one year anniversary of my father's passing. We have been working on making our house a home and doing little things to improve it, all the while praying for the day when we can move and build our own house. Over just the last few days I've had plenty of moments with tears and lots of laughter as well...I could easily go on but I'll spare you.

 

While driving home today I realized that I'm kind of in a slump...a rut...or whatever you want to call it. I've really slacked on my 5k training (even though I'm eating much better) and work has consumed my life the last couple of weeks. I think about all the time I'm missing with her which makes me miss her all the more. I also miss hanging out with friends like I used to, but it has become so difficult with everyone so far away. While we have a beautiful view, our location does very little for our social lives. Unfortunately, my hubby insists that we stay in the vicinity of "the middle of no where". While I have to occasionally pout and then get over this reality, I try to remain thankful for all that we have. I'm just really missing true social interaction. I would love to be more involved with something but between work and a new little one, there isn't much time...and yet God's word clearly says there is a time for EVERY activity under the heaven. I'm given the same 24 hours in a day as everyone else...and just when I think I've found a balance, something goes awry. I'm reminded constantly that my life is filled with wonderful, beautiful things...so until God moves or moves me, I'll count my blessings...

 

 

Finishing Touches

My classroom is coming along. I still have a good bit to do to prepare for Open House Thursday night and for next week. I'm working on the finishing touches in my room and I'm very pleased with how it's coming along. I left pretty exhausted both physically and mentally. I'm putting in a lot of effort to get things together. It's like this every year. I put in all these hours in hope that my new students will be super excited to begin their first grade year. Generally my hard work pays off. I love what I do, but the best part of my day however is going home :)

I love nights like this. The rain is pattering softly on the windows, the room smells of fresh laundry, and the dishes are done. I've been able to spend most of the evening with G and my hubby. It has been such a peaceful and restful time. It seems to help that I have been prepping things for the next night's meal. It eliminates extra time getting dinner ready which means extra time with my baby and husband.

I just adore bath time with my daughter. She smiles and kicks her feet in the water. She coos as we practice her bicycle moves. Something about the water just brings joy to her little face. She seems to have a thing for water. She fell for the beluga whales at the Georgia Aquarium. She was very intrigued by the sharks on Discovery...maybe there will be something to this as she grows up. I know it is super early but as we've been discussing in Sunday School, we need to stay aware of our children's interests and strengths so that we can encourage them in future endeavors.

My husband took the task of putting G to bed tonight. I must say it is one of my favorite parts of the day but with him working tomorrow, and possibly for the next 72 hours, he needs to get in his special time with her as well. I am so blessed to have a husband that desires to be an invested father. I love how he loves her. She lights up when she sees his face and it just melts my heart.

We continue to work out our new routine this week. This too will come together and all will be well. I'm grateful that God has given me peace with the changes that have been occurring in my life. Without His constant presence in these situations, I'd be a hot mess. Thankfully He knows my heart...

 

1 Peter 1:2

God the Father knew you and chose you long ago, and his Spirit has made you holy. As a result, you have obeyed him and have been cleansed by the blood of Jesus Christ.
  May God give you more and more grace and peace.

 



Just for Fun

 

G and daddy just love to read!

 

 

It's Like Ripping off a Band-Aid

We survived. I was really expecting this morning to be far worse than what it was. I've been praying for a smooth transition, and thankfully, with the prayers of others, today was a success. I can't say it was easy to drop G off with her sitter and like ripping off a Band-Aid, I dropped her off and headed to work. I was terribly sad at the thought of  not seeing her for 8 hours but not once did I actually worry about her. I know she is in excellent hands.

I made it to work in a very timely fashion. If we can maintain this schedule we'll be set. Granted, I know that with infants things change constantly. I entered into my classroom with a lot of optimism. I have a very agreeable number of students and some wonderful personalities if they are anything like they were last year.

I still have A LOT of work ahead of me. I've dusted just about everything. I'm working on organizing my classroom. Having left on maternity leave 6 weeks prior to the end of the year, I was not present to clean and organize my classroom. Needless to say, I had more than average to do in my room. I've also done a lot of restructuring as far as my Word Study and reading groups go. I feel very confident in my game plan...only time will tell.

Open House will take place later this week. I am eager to meet my new darlings. It's always fun to see them react to their new room. First grade is such an interesting grade to teach. I am required to prepare kindergarten babies for 2nd grade. That is a HUGE transition! It is also A LOT of work. Sometimes I think it's almost harder for the parents to adjust than it is the kids. Homework becomes more challenging, as does the content and class work. I feel a huge responsibility to not just help them succeed in their academics, but also as future contributors to society. Even at this age, so many children these days have skewed moral compasses. For 10 months I have these children in my care for about 8 hours a day. For most of my students, I spend more time with them than their parents. I can't help but feel responsible for assisting in building good character into these children.

I can't say enough great things about my job. I work for an amazing principal and along side a fabulous faculty. God has blessed me with the ideal workplace doing something I truly love. I hope to post some pictures of my completed classroom in the near future.

Well, I suppose I should call it a night. My baby is sound asleep and I was able to enjoy a few perfectly ripened strawberries as an after dinner nibble. Not a bad way to end this day.

T'was the Night Before...

I'm trying to savor every second of this last night before returning to work. I would not be blogging at this moment if it weren't for the fact that both my husband and daughter are napping. I've got laundry in the washer and bags packed for tomorrow. I can't believe how quickly time has gone. Tomorrow will be G's first day at her new sitter's house. I know she'll be fine...it's me we'll have to worry about. I've been so blessed to have been able to spend the last 3 1/2 months at home.

I'm trying to prepare little things ahead of time in order to make this week's transition a little easier. I've already dropped off all of G's things with the exception of her bottles. I've got my school bags packed and need to just pack my lunch for tomorrow. I've got my menu ready to go and I'm going through things that I can go ahead and prepare to make meal time preparation take less time. I've got G's clothes laid out and I'll soon have my stuff all in order. The first day of school isn't just for kids :)

I have to give a huge shout out to my hubby. He has recognized just how hard it is going to be for me to go back to work. He has gone out of his way since we got home from church today to do things around the house so that I can spend extra time with G. He is such a blessing.

Although I'm super excited about this next school year, I also feel a bit anxious about all of the transitions. Today in Sunday School, we were reminded to "shape our worries into prayers" and let God do His work. Not an easy thing to do for this Type A girl. I love a sense of control and I'm in the midst of so many changes that I have little to no control over. Yay for life lessons!

I ran across an excellent devo this afternoon and it was as if it was written for me...it may help you as well. It speaks to how change is necessary for growth. I must accept that this is one of those periods of growth and that God blesses those who follow no matter how uncomfortable the changes are.

(source)

Just for Fun
A friend of mine sent me this a while back...I can't help but smile :)



I am Woman

So after yesterday's mini meltdown I'm back to "normal" today. It's so nice having my husband home. I never get enough of our family time.

Today was pretty uneventful, which I am completely okay with. C got home and played with G while I took an uninterrupted shower. We then got ready and headed out to town. Our trips to town are rarely ever short. We live in the middle of no where and thus, we make our outings multipurpose. We began by visiting some friends who recently had a baby. Although the baby was still in the hospital, we were able to spend some much needed time with them. Their son was born premature and has been in the hospital since the 25th. (I did get word tonight that he was finally released to go home!!! Super exciting!!!) We caught up on her unexpected delivery and played a bit with their older son. He and my hubby always have a good time. It was so good to see them and get in some much needed quality time.

We then headed to lunch and C patiently waited with the baby while I got a much needed haircut. It made me feel "human" again. I have rarely taken time to do things for myself since she was born, not that I'm complaining, it just doesn't happen with an infant, and I could not believe how good it felt to get a simple hairstyle change. We then headed out and bought groceries. This was no small undertaking before baby, and it is no less of one now. Since college, I make a menu. While in college I planned 2 weeks at a time. Since being married, I've bumped it up to an entire month. Needless to say, our shopping cart is nothing short of overflowing. I'm certain the cashiers hate to see me coming.

Over the years I've been amazed at how much money doing my shopping this way can save. I am not a coupon clipper and unless I can download it to my Kroger card, I probably won't remember to use the coupons that I do manage to clip. I am not against couponing, I just don't ever seem to have the time. I'm a one stop shopper and I've shopped other places, including Walmart, and I'm just rarely ever as pleased with the selection and quality. Plus, I tend to save more using my discount card. Another perk is that I get money off of my gas afterwards.

I've had some interesting experiences while doing my monthly shopping trip...primarily comments that people make regarding my shopping cart. Comments typically stem from the amount of money I must be spending, to who really needs that much food, etc. People tend to eat their words when I inform them that what is in my cart supplies my family with 3 meals a day for an entire month. I only replace perishables. I work hard to make this work continually for my family and I am so blessed and so grateful to be able to do so.

We survived our shopping trip and came home to unload. G tends to become super fussy around 7p every night. I believe this is in part to the fact that she does not sleep much at all during the day. C and I took turns trying to console her. C finally decided to change environments. Our little girl seems to have our love for the outdoors. He took her outside to sit at the picnic table. I joined them shortly after. It was such a sweet time. There were dark rain clouds just rolling over the mountains and the wind made everything so perfectly cool. G was mesmerized by the rustling leaves, birds flying, and the occasional passing car. She was so content. We just sat in awe of our little wonder. Her beautiful blue eyes were trying so hard to take in everything. She would smile and coo and it was all we could do to not ruin the moment by holding her close and obscuring her view.

As I sat there watching her, I realized just how at peace I felt in that moment. I have not felt that in a while. The world was quiet, we were still, and the beauty of God's creation seemed to be made just for us in that moment. I can't remember the last time I was so at rest in mind, body, and spirit. I miss being that woman. The kind of woman whose heart and mind are at peace with change and her gentle spirit calms those around her. I feel like for the longest time I have been running a thousand miles an hour without taking a break to savor God's goodness. Outside of my daughter, there has been very little that I've taken the time to truly enjoy. I'm constantly planning and looking forward to the next thing. I anxiously await changes that may or may not happen which quickly takes away joy from the present.

I've been reflecting on a few verses from Proverbs 31. I used to be more like that woman. I used to be more gentle and at peace. I've let the world dictate my thoughts and this of course leads to worry and anxiety. As I try to regain control through prayer and the support of others, I know that God is doing a good work in me. He has not given up on me. He has remained faithful even when I have not. Thank goodness for His mercy and grace.

Proverbs 31: 11-12, 25-26

Her husband can trust her, and she will greatly enrich his life. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life...She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future. When she speaks, her words are wise, and she gives instructions with kindness.

Running out of Kleenex

I have been an emotional mess today! I'm not sure what's going on but I'm okay with it stopping any time...I've dedicated today as a "Mommy and Me" day with G. I've only done household things while she's napping and enjoying every moment with her while she is awake. I've just become overwhelmed with the amount of love I have for her. As I was scanning Facebook and surfing for some recipes for this month's menu, I ran across a young couple who recently lost their little girl. She was under two years old. I don't know the circumstances but the mother's posts just tore at my heart. I've been crying ever since. I just look at G as she lay sleeping and it's all I can do not to wake her up. I can't imagine my life without her.

This got me thinking about all of those little ones who have gone before us. I've heard many parents say that a child should never leave this earth before his or her parents. When I was younger I never really thought too much about it. I was okay with knowing that I knew Jesus and that my parents, should something ever happen to me, would be "sad" but knew I was with the Lord. As I look at my little girl I now know that "sad" would never be an appropriate adjective for such a loss. I've lost friends and family members and I've come to terms with the losses. However, I just don't know how I could ever do the same with my child. I know all of this is so morbid but I'm afraid if I don't get my feelings down and out then I'll be a basket case all day.

I think about how God gave His only son to save us from an eternity in Hell. What kind of love that must be! I know I've written about this topic in the past but it still amazes me with a fresh appreciation every time it comes to mind. God has everything and yet He still wants me. He gave His perfect son to die a horrible death so that me, an unworthy sinner, would someday come to know Him. I just can't wrap my brain around it logically and yet in my heart I am so thankful...so grateful...and so in awe of God's goodness.

For those who don't know, G is quite the little miracle for my husband and I. When I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome in December of 2011, after many months of trying to get pregnant, I was not sure what that would mean for us. After blood work, several medications and countless ovulation and pregnancy tests, my doctor decided there was nothing else she could do and wanted to refer us to a fertility specialist. She could offer no reassurance about our ability to get pregnant, even with the help of a specialist. Through the years of preparing our hearts and our home for a child, I prayed many tearful prayers and I wanted to believe that God would fill our home with the laughter of a little one. We opted out of seeing a fertility specialist, but did decide to go to a doctor who specialized in my diagnosis. In the couple of months prior to my first visit, we changed our prayers from pregnancy to being open to however God saw fit to bring a child into our lives. Right before my first appointment with the new doctor, I became pregnant. It was our long awaited miracle.

Throughout our journey, we had so many people who would try to encourage us in their own way...mostly with "it will happen in God's time", "just stop trying and it will happen", "stop thinking about it and you'll get pregnant"...well, for those who have never had this type of experience, while those statements seem like they would offer comfort, in reality they only added salt to the wound. I was praying and it seemed like those prayers were just bouncing off the ceiling. I knew that if it was God's will for us it would happen, but that did not ease the pain. It was not a matter of "trying or not trying" or "thinking about it"...you can't just turn those things off. You don't just wake up one day and say, "Oh, I'm going to no longer think about wanting a baby." The end. It does not work like that. The heart wants what the heart wants.

Another issue we ran into was when people would question why didn't have kids yet or when we planned on starting a family. I know my emotions were raw but it was like nails on a chalkboard whenever someone would ask those questions. Another phrase that killed was "we're pregnant, and we weren't even trying!" Ouch. Our experiences prior to our pregnancy have made us very aware of how we approach others and it has heightened our sensitivity when asking people those types of questions. Honestly, for the most part, we simply don't ask. If they want to bring it up then we are all ears.

I don't apologize for my rant but I do thank you for bearing with me. It has just been one of those days and with my husband working yet another 72 hour shift, I'm in need of some chocolate and a good movie...all while rocking my angel. Maybe it's the dread of leaving her to go back to work in a couple of days...maybe it's hormones...whatever it is, I am grateful for a God who holds tomorrow and offers His love, peace, and comfort like no one else can.

Just for Fun
Our piece of Heaven













G with her Granna July 2013