The Truth Hurts

We've all heard that the truth hurts. It simply means that we do not like what we are being forced to hear, face or endure. I find myself in a season that is overwhelmingly full of hard truths. Sometimes I am the one dealing with the difficulty and sometimes I am the person that must share the hard news. I am honestly not sure which end I'd rather be on.

About two years ago I felt especially convicted to share some words and ask some difficult questions of someone I love dearly. I knew there would most likely be repercussions but this person and I had been in a similar situation before, so I was hopeful that I would see positive fruits as a result of my willingness to move forward once again. However, I battled with this. I did not want to risk the relationship. I did not want to cry. I did not want this person to feel attacked. As we all know, we don't always get what we want.

The words I spoke were taken out of context. The questions I asked were deemed imposing and disapproving. Everything I had not wanted to happen, despite earnestly praying for a better outcome, happened. I was devastated. One of my closest and dearest friends was no longer speaking to me...and basically has not since. Today is an especially hard day as I see the direction of the life that this person has chosen. It is painful. It feels almost as if a death has taken place. That is the near level of grief I have encountered as this day has approached. It is a day I should be present for, but am not wanted. It is a day that should be taking place under different circumstances. Alas, here I am, sitting with the truth.

I struggle...although the word struggle hardly feels adequate. I have to sit with the truth that these are the choices of this person. These are the walls that this person has put up. Only continued prayer and time may bring them down.

I've wrestled with this whole "speak truth" concept for a while now. It seems when I do, someone is offended, hurt, or needs to take a step back from me. I always come at it with love, but the truth hurts.

  Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ.

Eph. 4:15

It can be painful to share the truth. It can be frightening, but it should always be done in and out of love. I am known for not sugar coating things and it's true that I often say things that people simply do not want to hear...but I cannot help it. I cannot help how I feel the Spirit move. I have come to terms with the fact that there will be unpleasant repercussions. I am also reminded that there can be severe consequences. In fact, Christ was battered, scorned, humiliated and hung a cross for speaking truth. While my current circumstances cause anguish, they have yet to cause me death. However, the principal is the same.

We must put off the need to sugar coat and versions of half truths. We need to speak in love. We need to speak the Truth in love as God leads. God holds us to that expectation and I for one would rather lay my head on my pillow and sleep soundly with the knowledge that I have honored my God then to lose sleep over not following His leading.

Scripture promises difficult times, but it also promises great reward for pursuing Christ. Each encounter we have with someone is an opportunity for God to use us. Do not shy away. While in the moment, and in this case, years, the pain may cause heartache, I can rest assured that His Word will not return void. His purpose will prevail. He remains good. He remains faithful.

Truth remains.

We've Been Given the Green Light

-original photo credit-

We get frustrated when we hit a red light because it stops us in our tracks. We cannot move forward until we are given the go ahead. We try to push through the yellow lights so that we can hopefully avoid the red lights. We often rush through in a hurry, rarely looking around to see if anyone else is in our way.

We welcome the green lights. They mean we can pass through freely without hesitation. These traffic signals are similar to the way we approach life. I’m finding myself likening our journey to this vital piece of transportation safety.

 My husband and I ran into many red lights in our attempts to start a family. We eased our way through some yellow lights in hope that we could get through without incident. Finally, we were given our green lights and the miracles that bless our lives came to be.

 For several years now, we have been dreaming a big dream together. We have had a dream to build our own home that incorporates our wishes, style, and future memories. We’ve dreamed of the home our children would grow up in; it is the same home we hope to grow old in. With that undertaking comes a lot of planning, beginning with where we would build.

 The acreage in our area is pretty pricey. This is attributed to the beautiful mountain views and desirable, quiet lifestyle that can be found in the landscape. We had our eyes on several pieces of property but none of them seemed right. They either wanted more than we could afford or we could not get at least the amount of land we have now. We continually felt like we were sitting at a red light that would never change. Fortunately, we did not have to sit there forever.

 Two years ago come this September, we signed our names to a piece of property. It provides gorgeous mountain views and presents us with enough property to hunt, raise a few farm animals and have plenty of play space for the kids. A dream come true…more accurately, an amazing answer to prayer. We had hoped to get at least 6-7 acres, which is what we currently have. The Lord blessed us with 28 acres at a price that was well within our ability to afford. The result was unheard of to the ears of man, unless those ears have ever heard the amazing, miraculous blessings that are granted by the Lord.

We’ve not done a lot to the property as of yet. My husband and his volunteer fire department did burn down the old house on the property. That was an experience. I’m excited to say that we did spare several pieces of wood from the old home to make a farm style table. It will be such a treat to maintain a piece of the old home that once was there.

However, before we can start the table, we need to have a home to put it in. We have been sitting at this red light for almost 2 years. The list of worries, to-do’s and what ifs has been extremely long. At times, we’ve been very overwhelmed and equally frustrated at the lack of forward movement. Why?

The house has not been ready for sale…I mentioned a long list of to-dos.

Where will we stay in the meantime?

We have four dogs and two cats. Most rentals do not allow pets and/or do not have the space to accommodate our animals. What will we do with them?

How will we afford everything?

And then…green light!

In the midst of all these questions, we have been given the green light to begin moving forward with our dream. We still have things we have to complete in the house before putting it up for sale. However, we have a meeting with our realtor the last week of the month. Our goal is to then have the house up for sale by August 15^th (or sooner). We have prioritized the things we’d like to have done instead and are focusing on what must be done.

Within the last two weeks, my husband’s grandmother’s house has become available. We will be able to rent this until our house is sold and our new home is built.

The pets? My mom is going to keep our two small dogs. Our two cats will be housed by a friend of mine who also fosters and volunteers with one of the local no-kill shelters. We are currently still trying to determine what we’ll be able to do with our two large dogs, but everything else has worked out. I have no doubt that this will too.

We have always had a budget and adjusted prior to the birth of our son. Maternity leave cuts my check a great deal and we altered our budget to accommodate this change. I’ll receive my full check again this fall, which will help a lot. My husband has been working a lot of overtime (mandatory). This serves as a mixed blessing. We miss him dearly when he is gone for several days at a time, but the extra funds will definitely be helpful. We’re selling things that we do not need and cutting corners where we can. I know undoubtedly that we will be fine.

 I think I get so wrapped up in the details because I am a planner. I have to know how things are going to work out and I get stressed and anxious when I do not know or cannot fix them. I also like control. I like to control the outcome. I have a vision and it is hard for me to let go of what I think would be best. However, this part of our journey has reminded me that I do not always know what may be best. I would have had us moved out and building two years ago, but the timing was not right. I see that now

 I have also been reminded that no matter what lies before me or what the future holds, God is already there. He already has the best in place for me. It is merely my job to go as He instructs. At the end of this month we will be making the move into our rental. Prayerfully our old house will sell quickly and the building will begin shortly after. I look forward to sharing more about this new chapter in the days to come.

What have you been given the green light to do?

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What's Bigger Than My Diagnosis?

I was thrilled when Caroline shared her Infertility link-up with me. It's been a week of advocating and spreading the word on infertility...also known as life and/or National Infertility Awareness Week! I was even more excited when she said that she was hoping those of us that have seen the other side of infertility would contribute. I truly believe it is essential that women see that there is another side...a side of hope...to this life altering diagnosis.

My husband and I were extremely cautious early in our marriage. We did not want to bring children into our family until we were "ready" or "the time was right". I set an alarm for my birth control (even on my honeymoon) to ensure that we would not experience any "surprises". The joke was on us. After 3 years of marriage we decided we'd go ahead and start adding to our family. Our natural efforts were not successful and I sought answers to my questions from my gynecologist. She eventually diagnosed me with PCOS and put me on Metformin. I was never given an explanation for her decisions, but she was my doctor. Why would I question her?

After months of additional negative pregnancy tests, she said she wanted to put me on Clomid. Once again, no blood work, ultrasounds or explanations. She said if that did not work then she would not be able to assist us further and would refer us to a specialist. She said it may just be an issue of not being able to have children.

::tears::

Confusion.

Anger.

Bitterness.

My husband and I prayed about our next step and we decided to forgo meeting again with my doctor and seek out a second opinion. We were led to the doctors at University Physicians for Women at Northridge. I went with this practice for a variety of reasons. The majority of the doctors were well versed in my PCOS diagnosis, they delivered at the hospital I had hoped to give birth in (someday), and they had direct access to highly respected infertility specialists. Upon our first visit, I knew in my heart that we had made the right choice. I was immediately put at ease by the expertise of the nurse and then by my doctor. She took me off the Metformin after receiving my blood work (she drew a full blood panel) and discovering that at the time, there was no immediate reason for me to be taking it. Upon further testing, we discovered that my testosterone was higher than normal and may be contributing to my inability to conceive. I was then put back on the meds, but with an actual reason for doing such this time.

I tracked my cycles and after more blood work, it appeared that my body would try to gear up to ovulate but could not follow through. I was heartbroken. If I wasn't ovulating then there would not be an egg waiting to be fertilized. At that point, my husband and I prayed for wisdom as to how far we would should go in our efforts to conceive. We decided that if medication was not enough, then we'd stop and try to fill our home with a child another way. We were at peace with this decision. We spoke with our doctor about our options and she completely respected our decision. From there, she came at us with a Plan A and then a Plan B if that did not work. I was thrilled to have answers and a plan.

After several months, we were still not pregnant. This medication is only permitted for a certain amount of cycles (this varies depending on the doctor) and we were two cycles away from ending the meds. My blood work initially showed that my body was gearing up but still no follow through. She upped my dosage. I then had a good ovulatory cycle, but no pregnancy. With each passing month, my heart grew more heavy. Finally...our miracle occurred.

In August 2012, we became pregnant with what would result in our beautiful baby girl.

During our first infertility journey, I can now look back to realize that I was dealing with depression. That time in my life was so dark. It was so sad. I felt broken and so alone. I had wrapped my worth up in my inability to have children and I had allowed Satan to feed my heart lies that I began to believe. Only through the grace of God did I overcome the darkness.

When we decided to try for another child, I began charting my cycles again and realized my body was back to its old ways. We discussed this with our doctor and there was no wait time. She immediately started us on the same protocol that we did the last time. Our son's conception beat the odds in terms of science due to previous and additional complications.

I've learned not to compare my story with anyone else's. It's hard...so hard...not to. Some women get pregnant by sneezing (or so it would seem) and then others face it for years without any success. Our story is not as detailed as others or the journey as long as some, but that does not make our story any less important. It has become a part of our testimony.

Our story proves that our God is bigger than any diagnosis. My hope was and is bigger than my diagnosis. I no longer allow my worth to be defined by my "broken parts". I don't know what our future holds, but I know He is good.

Without Him, we would not have our children. Our children were prayed for, longed for, and miraculous in so many ways.

::via::

My heart continues to grieve with those who face the uncertainties of infertility. I still bear scars and old feelings still surface. My journey and spiritual growth have led me to answer God's call to begin a faith based infertility support group. We have been meeting since November and it is slowly growing. My heart is so full when I am able to share our story and the stories of others. I have the privilege of reminding these women that they are loved by our God in the midst of their circumstances and that despite what is going on, He truly has their best interests at heart. I know that I had lost sight of that during my struggle.

My husband and I hope that our story can serve as hope for those who are still going through the deep waters.

Linking up for Mommy Moments

Name Them One by One

One thing about caring for a newborn means that I'm awake...a lot. It may be in a drone like state most of the time but I'm awake nonetheless. In the daybreak hours the past few days I've been doing a lot of reflecting on our current circumstances and how God's hand is evident everywhere. It's easy to get wrapped up in worry, bogged down in bitterness and caught up in self-centered thoughts. It's even more easy to do when your sleep deprived. Satan is shameless and will use your weakened state to wedge in negativity. However, we have the power to combat the battles against us. God gives us the ability to see the beauty from ashes if we'll only take the time to look.

::via::

I've been taking some time to really focus on our blessings. With so much that is and seems wrong in the world around us, it's vital that I remember that there is still so much good. The following is not an exhaustive list of all that I could write down, but it covers some of what has come to mind this morning...

-the birth of our son this week

-the fiery spirit that is our daughter

-financial provision

-Our church family

- dedicated friends

-my mom coming in tomorrow

-awake to see the sunrise

-Finding large ticket items (for baby) for less than half the orginal price

-caring and committed medical experts

-the biliblanket  (it means we can treat our son's condition at home instead of the hospital)

-July is filled with birthdays

-my amazing husband

While I could go on and on, I'll spare you. I do hope, that despite your circumstances today and in the coming days, that you'll take some time to count your blessings. Name them one by one and I think you'll be amazed at what the Lord has done.

Linking up for Tuesday Talk

The Bigger Picture

I don't know when I became such a worrier. I remember, how at one time, I did not spend my life worrying about what may never happen, how things would come together, and the word "if" meant very little to me. At that point in my life God was bigger than anything I'd face. When did I make Him so small?

Life lately has presented many challenges and uncertainties. These types of things have always been a part of my life, but the amount of time I allowed my mind to wonder about such things was very little. I find myself missing those days and I also find myself searching for answers. My prayers seek His wisdom and I try to rest in His assurance and promises.

This weekend brought about a lot things that I could easily allow to consume me. It's easy to be frustrated, angry, overwhelmed and worried. Will any of these feelings add greatness or blessing to my life? Will they extend my days? Will they add quality to my moments? No. These feelings only serve to steal my happiness and suppress my joy.

In a moment of tears (and in my defense, these pregnancy hormones have been on overload lately) my sweet toddler came to me with a look of serious concern upon her face. The precious words, "Mommy, you okay?" overwhelmed my heart. I know as she gets older she'll begin to understand the meaning behind tears and adult concerns and I want her to be able to face these things as God calls and enables us to. I've realized I need a spiritual overhaul when it comes to fully putting my trust in His provision.

I know He will provide and I know His timing is perfect, and yet, my human nature allows for opportunities to question that, despite the limitless evidence of His work. He does provide a peace the surpasses our understanding, but we can't rely on how we "feel" to ensure that we recognize what He is doing in our lives. After all, the heart can be deceiving. We have to cling to what we know. My best friend has served as a wonderful reminder of this truth. She keeps this state of mind in perspective for me and I realize that I need to seek the blessing instead of the "what if" in our situations.

I've been thinking on Philippians 4:6-7 and the one part that has really been embedding itself in my head is when it says, "...and thank Him for all He has done." I know to bring my requests to Him and I know I should not worry, but it is becoming more and more clear that if I take time to focus on what I am thankful for and I spend those moments thanking Him for what He's done, I do not have time to worry. His peace comes when I reflect on all that He has done, which in turn ensures my head and heart that He will continue to do so now and in the future.

Linking up for Mommy Moments



When It's Your Turn: The Other Side of Infertility

You've prayed. You've tasted bitterness. You've remained hopeful. You've fought against the odds. And then...you want to give up. You want to throw your hands in the air because you don't understand why it seems everyone around you can have a baby and you can't. You battle these emotions day in and day out.

Fast forward (in slow motion) and a miraculous things happens. You...the one wondering if your prayers will ever be answered in the way that you hoped, are pregnant. Those two beautiful pink lines bring a plethora of emotions. You struggle with disbelief and complete elation. You want to tell everyone and no one at the same time. Your dreams are becoming a reality.

I must say that my emotions and experiences regarding both the conception of my daughter and, now, this precious miracle have been all of those things and more. It's crazy to think that after all someone with infertility goes through that she could feel anything but complete joy...and yet, it becomes so much more.


::via::

This new journey comes with a mixed bag of emotions. Your excitement can become tainted with other less pleasant emotions. I struggled greatly...and still struggle with these things.

One of the most difficult emotions to combat is guilt.

It's hard to get beyond this one. I've been fortunate enough to have a beautiful support group this time around. The three of us have been praying for each other, hoping and wishing on every star for one another to become pregnant. It's what we all want for each other...so why the guilt? It's the flip side of the "why she and not me?" It becomes the "Praise God for me, but why not she?" I so desperately want all of us to share this experience. I want each of them to know the excitement and worry and all of the crazy good that is pregnancy and motherhood. But alas, I can't change what is. It is very hard to tell those most close to you...those women who have walked this journey with you, that you are now pregnant. I have been fortunate to have their full love and support but it is still very difficult to tell them something that you know will bring pain to their hearts, despite the sincere happiness they have for you. I've been on that side. I know the feeling.



::via::

Another feeling that I, and many others, experience is jealousy. Say what?! I know what you're thinking. I'm pregnant. Move on! I know, I know. It's so hard to explain but the words "we weren't even trying" or "it happened our first time" still bring a sting to my heart. While I rejoice in our blessing, there is still that achy part of me that wishes our journey to our miracle was not so laden with tears.



::via::

I also struggle with worry. My PCOS puts me at a higher risk for miscarriage. At the time of this post, I am 4 months pregnant. I've felt my little one move a few times and my growing belly shows promise. These things are amazing and wonderful, but I still worry. I still worry about the health of our unborn child. I worry about what may or may not happen. I have to daily place our sweet babe in the Lord's hands.



::via::

Now, before you get bogged down in the less than desirable things...I confess that my heart is so full and my soul continually rejoices over the miracle that I carry. God has blessed our little family with another child and for that I will be forever grateful.

Throughout your infertility journey you will face multiple ups and downs. The most important thing is to not lose heart and to never give up. You're miracle may be right around the corner...and remember, no matter how you decide to fill your home with the pitter patter of little feet, you will be blessed.



::via::

Linking up for Thoughts for Thursday

Shout Out

June 2014

So there is this guy...he's humble, optimistic,  generous and selfless. He provides for his family, risks his life to save others and willingly rocks his little one to sleep.

This same guy loves the Lord. He is instilling that love in his daughter and he leads by example. He has a heart of service and doesn't think twice about helping those in need.

He is honorable, compassionate and empathetic. Even so, he is strong, courageous and determined. He is a leader both in life and in his home.

This very same guy was designed and chosen by my gracious God to be my husband and a wonderful father to our children.  With all that life has thrown us, especially lately, he proves over and over again that true love exists. His selflessness and thoughtfulness abound. I don't think he realizes how much it means when he takes it upon himself to tend to G or have the house cleaned before I get home. The times that he has dinner ready despite what day I've had melts my heart. God broke the mold with this one...and I'm so grateful that he's the one I get to spend my life with.

October 2008

Linking up with Annie

Big Things are Happening 'Round Here

Eph. 3:20

A few months ago we found ourselves in the midst of mixed emotions. Last September we closed on our land, which will one day become the building site of our forever home. Long before the land came through, we had begun trying to grow our family without success. We knew the obstacles we were up against in both situations.

My husband had set some specific parameters for our land purchase. It had to be at least the amount of acreage that we have now, it had to be close to his volunteer fire department, within our budget, must include a mountain view and must be within our current vicinity since our jobs have us driving in opposite directions. I know, I know. That's quite a list.

Through a sequence of events, we became privy to some information about a beautiful piece of property...that believe it or not, included ALL of my husband's "requirements". When God is involved (because He most certainly was) amazing things happen. This is just one special example of how God truly hears and answers our prayers. We made our move on the land and everything fell into place. Before we knew it we were signing our name on the (hundreds of) dotted lines.

While we were going through this process, we were still battling my infertility. I had people telling me that maybe we weren't supposed to have another baby right now and that we should just focus on selling our house and preparing the land. Yeah...that stung a little...oh ye of little faith.

I remember even saying in my prayers, why can't we have it all? Why can't we work on our dream home plans and add to our family? True, the situation may not be ideal but we both felt that the time was right and that we could have it all if the Lord allowed. He had already answered so many prayers. We truly believed He would answer this one.

I admit, it was not easy to keep the optimism. Month after month, meds and blood work, our dreams of another child were dashed. There were even a couple of months where my chart looked perfect and the timing of everything had been just right...I was certain we had been successful...but no.

Come October we had already met with our doctor several times to discuss various options. We knew what we were comfortable with and our hearts were getting heavy as we reached the end of our treatment. I had one more round available before we were done. No more treatment. No more blood work. We'd be moving on. We had decided that if this last round was unsuccessful, we'd focus solely on our house and then revisit our adoption paperwork. I was okay at that point. We had a plan.

October was a crazy busy month and I felt like we had so much riding on this last round. I was pumped to see that I had gotten a positive ovulation test. Game on! And then I came down with an infection. Knowing how delicate the whole situation of becoming pregnant really is, I had resigned myself to the fact that we were out this month.

On October 31st I was reminded that my God defines and defies the odds. If you look at my chart, it does not appear that I ever ovulated. Between that and my illness, science would say I should not be announcing the news that I am about to share...

WE ARE PREGNANT! Our precious miracle is due in July and we are over the moon!

::via::

So yes, you can have it all. Your dreams can come true. For those of you battling infertility...don't lose heart. Big things can happen. At this point we're working on our house in preparation for sale. We plan to put it on the market in March (or sooner). All of this will take place while we also prepare to welcome our precious babe in July.

I look forward to sharing how we announced our news and what has been going since our BFP.

An Act of Kindness

::via::

December 19th will be marked as one of our most difficult days to date.  I'm not at a point of sharing the "why" yet and with the joy I have in my heart from some of the events of today, I can't focus on those other things right now anyway. (I know you're curious and one day I'm sure I'll share...)

As for those good things...my hubby and I got to spend some much needed quality time together. After a long morning we opted to grab lunch at IHOP. Who doesn't love pancakes?! Side note: The Caramel Bon Bon pancakes are amazing! And no, I was not compensated to say that.

We enjoyed a yummy lunch and then gathered our things to leave. While waiting in line to pay, I stepped to the side, leaving more room for other customers since my hubby was going to pay. I saw a lady begin talking to him. I heard her ask if he worked for the fire department (he had on one of his firefighter hats.) He shared with her his career and volunteer firefighter positions. I saw her hug him and then thank him for what he does. I then saw my husband shaking his head, telling the lady no about something and then he eventually walked over to me...she insisted on paying for our meal! This precious,  blessed soul paid for our meal without any hesitation.  She told him that at one point this deed had been done for her and she wanted to pass the kindness along and that she wanted to do something to thank him for his service.

I cried.

I wanted to run and hug her and thank her for her act of unexpected kindness. This might have freaked her out so...

Instead I prayed prayers of blessings over this sweet woman and her family. My hubby and I are still humbled and can't wait to pass this bit of joy along.

How can you spread a little more kindness in the days to come?

::via::

Walking with Gideon

To say I'm over these infertility issues would be an understatement. This week has been very challenging for a variety of reasons and the emotional roller coaster has taken its toll. As I was driving to work the other morning I felt this urging to read the story of Gideon. It has been a long time since I've ventured into the book of Judges to read his story and I felt it all really random...but God is not random. As I've begun to revisit Gideon's story I've been reminded of the story's themes of struggle, hope, faith, fear, courage and the ability to overcome. These are common themes along the journey of infertility as well. I still wasn't sure what God would have for me...how on Earth could an account about a man defeating armies connect with my female aches for wanting a child? I'm not sure where this scripture study will take me but I'm already captivated by the things that God has brought to light. I hope you'll join me as I walk with Gideon through his story.

I hope to post my thoughts about my study as I go. It is also my hope that you'll find something to connect with and that you'll find, like me, that God can use any circumstance for His glory if we're willing to trust Him.

Judges 6:1-10

To give a little background, the Israelites had been delivered into the hands of the Midianites for the wickedness of their people. The Israelites were so fearful of the Midianites that they hid themselves in the mountain caves. Their crops and livestock were destroyed or taken by the armies and finally, as a last ditch effort for survival, they called out to God for help. (vs. 1-6)

How often do we try and take things into our own hands only to be left with nothing? Far to frequently I find myself trying to control those things in which I have no control and I end up only making matters worse. Instead of binding my heart to the Word, I hide myself in moments of emotional eating, sadness, bitterness and anxiety. It is in these moments that I find myself (finally) calling out to the Lord. It seems ridiculous to go to God as a last resort than as our first and best option...and yet we do. Cursed human nature.

I'm a Type A person and I thrive on structure and predictability. Did I ever think I'd have trouble conceiving a child? No. I had a plan and waiting through countless failed efforts does not fair well for someone with my lack of patience. God has grown me in ways that I could not imagine through this infertility journey and I know that I still have so much to learn. He is far from done with me. Our God is a loving and gracious God and because of these things, He allows us to make our choices. I can choose to wallow in sadness with each failed cycle or I can go to Him with my heartache and allow Him to mend that which is broken. Neither of these options are easy but it makes sense to choose the one that will have the most beneficial outcome.

As I read through the beginnings of this chapter I couldn't help but think about our current infertility struggles. I'm becoming emotionally spent. Infertility can have an oppressive power. It affects every aspect of your life. It can affect the way you eat, spend your time and money and how you look and feel about your future.

Like the Israelites, we often lose sight of the blessings we've already received (vs. 8-9). We forget the countless times that He has delivered us. The Israelites also turned their worship towards pagan gods. I'll be honest, when facing infertility it's very easy to get caught up in putting your faith and hope into other things...all of which hold promise to help you bear children...such as medications, doctors, alternative medicine and treatments, etc. I've often found myself placing so much hope into the medication I take or the way in which my cycle chart looks that I lose sight of God's hand in the situation. Do you see the common misstep (vs. 7-10)? Like the ancients, I know my God is amazing and can do all things and yet I don't always place my faith and hope in the One who can fill my heart's desires. He is my deliverer and has an amazing plan for my life if only I will allow Him to lead me.

In just a few short verses I have been challenged in some amazing ways.

-Where am I trying to hide?

-Where is my hope, really?

-How would it feel to allow God to take control and rest in His sovereignty?

Maybe you are facing similar circumstances. I encourage you to join me in this study of Gideon. There is no doubt that there are more treasures to be uncovered.



A Time for Everything

::via::

It's been a week of highs and lows...

Let me start from the beginning. Last weekend, after yet another agonizing and yet promising TWW, we discovered that we were once again not pregnant. You would think after continuous months of negatives that I'd be numb or would have found a better way to cope...but nope. I let my hopes fade and the tears fall. Crying is truly therapeutic.

That same weekend I spent a wonderful time with my friend and her daughter at a fall festival and celebrated the birth of our dear friends' little boy. These were such good moments.

These moments were soon overshadowed by some heartbreaking news. My husband's best friend (since elementary school) and his wife lost their 3 month old son to SIDS. I got a call from my husband on Tuesday. He rarely calls up to work but I didn't immediately think anything was wrong. He then proceeded to tell me the tragic news. I could not wrap my brain around it. My heart was and remains so grieved for this family.

Thursday night we went to the Family Visitation at the funeral home. It was seriously one of the saddest experiences I've ever had. I had no words of comfort. I prayed continually as we waited in line to speak to the family. I whispered words to the Heavens as I watched the child's mother stare longingly at the picture slide show as the father took the condolences. I will never forget the pain I saw in his eyes as my husband went up to him and hugged him. As I watched these two strong men cry together my heart broke even more.

I took off work on Friday to attend the graveside service.

The drizzle and drear seemed appropriate for the emotions of the day. We watched as the father carried his son's casket to the area where the service would be held. We gripped each others hands as the mother and remaining immediate family walked past us with tears in their eyes. I looked around at people, bringing love and support for this family, and thought how amazing it was that this tiny little life had touched so many. The service was as sweet as one could be under the circumstances and the message of God's goodness, grace and mercy were woven throughout. The beautiful truth for those who have Christ as their Savior is that death is not the end. I remember that as the service was ending and we all stood in silence, the clouds gave way to sunlight. I couldn't help but think that it was God's way of reiterating that there are still good things to come. While it may take a lot of time for this promise to become a comfort, it is my prayer that it will become just that.

I share this for several reasons.

First, this past week has been a major struggle and I've relied so heavily on my God for understanding, comfort, wisdom and discernment. It is my belief our friends' little one's 103 days on earth were purposeful and that his death, regardless how unfair it seems to our earthly minds, will indefinitely make an impact in Heaven. His passing has drawn me to the Lord in ways that I have not visited in a very long time.

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Secondly, I have delved into the truths found in God's Word for comfort. I've been connecting with God on a whole new level while dealing with our infertility. This connection has only deepened as I've sought after the Lord during this time of darkness. I desperately want to serve as a light for this grieving family and can only do so through His strength, because lets face it, I've been crying on and off since Tuesday and without His help, I'd be no good for anyone.

Lastly, I share this because I want you to hug your little ones a little tighter. Remember that these angels are granted to us to care for, lead, guide and raise in a way that will set them apart and bring glory to God. Love your children fiercely. Appreciate every moment. Get over the messes and embrace them. Every fingerprint, every Cheerio underfoot is something to appreciate.

I know this wasn't an easy read and I appreciate you bearing with me. Please keep our friends in your prayers. The days, weeks, months and years will continue to bring pain with each first that "should have been" and every holiday to come.

Linking up with Leslyn

Fire Starter

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This isn't my typical Oh Hey Friday. This past week I accepted a challenge that was given during our youth sermon. It was called the 5 Tongue Challenge...you may be thinking this is an odd title but hang with me. The point behind this is that the words we say hold so much power. We can build up or break down. We can help or harm. The fact is, we have to control what comes out of our mouths. As Christians this is extremely important. We are living examples of what Christ can do with a life and it is our job to grow the Kingdom. How can we contribute to the growth of Heaven if we are continually harming our testimonies, shadowing the glory given to God, and turning others away from instead of towards Jesus?

 

Think about it...

 

"But a tiny spark can set a great forest on fire. And among all the parts of the body, the tongue is a flame of fire. It is a whole world of wickedness, corrupting your entire body. It can set your whole life on fire, for it is set on fire by hell itself.

 

 People can tame all kinds of animals, birds, reptiles, and fish, but no one can tame the tongue. It is restless and evil, full of deadly poison. Sometimes it praises our Lord and Father, and sometimes it curses those who have been made in the image of God. And so blessing and cursing come pouring out of the same mouth. Surely, my brothers and sisters, this is not right!"

 James 3:5b-10

Who knew we were all a bunch of forest fires just waiting to spark?! Here's the catch. A fire burns recklessly unless contained. Being married to a firefighter has well versed me in the characteristics of fire. While it's true that fire is often seen as destructive, there are times in which fire is necessary for growth. This is the mentality we need to have with spreading "the fire" through encouragement. Ok, now that you've wondered where I'm going with this, here is the challenge that followed the devotion on Wednesday. (I was granted permission to share this with you and it is my hope that you'll catch the flame.)

With this challenge there are 5 (here's the famous Friday five you've been waiting for) challenges that you attempt to complete in a week. The challenge was presented in a type of journal format so that we could all keep track of our specifics. I'll do my best to have the same layout for you. I hope you'll join us in this challenge...and it is my belief that if you do, you'll see blessings abound.

5 Tongue Challenge

1. Give someone at school an encouraging word this week.
    Who: ____________________
    When: ___________________
    Describe: ______________________________________________________________

2. Give a family member an encouraging word this week.
    Who: ____________________
    When: ___________________
    Describe: ______________________________________________________________

3. Give someone an encouraging word on some social media site this week.
    Who: ____________________
    When: ___________________
    Describe: ______________________________________________________________

4. Leave gossip in the dust, or stand up for someone in a positive way this week.
   Who: ____________________
    When: ___________________
    Describe: ______________________________________________________________

5. Most Important! Praise, worship, talk to (pray, read the Bible) God every day!
    Describe one time: _______________________________________________________

Be a fire starter this week. Ready? Set...Go!

Linking up with The Farmer's Wife



Infertility Hurdles: The Company You Keep

From a recent bible study session I had a pretty big epiphany. All that I've been through up to this point (and all that I will go through) is necessary. Necessary. That word causes a major sense of bitterness at the sound. Doctor appointments: necessary. Less dairy (and most of the foods I love): necessary. Blood work: necessary. Medication: necessary. Screaming into a pillow: necessary. There are a lot of unpleasant "necessary" moments in the Land of Infertility. Rarely do I ever consider these things good...that was until recently.

It's easy to settle into a place of constant bitterness and sadness.

You want more than anything to have what others have. The constant "why can she and not me?" question permanently embeds itself in your mind.

I suppose this idea of "necessary" has been an area of struggle for me for quite some time. I know God has a plan for my life but why? Why am I going through this? I'm young. I'm stable. I have so much love to give...why is this part of my journey so necessary?

I know now...well, actually I now accept, that I need to turn my thoughts of necessary around. Had I not previously gone through this journey I would not have any experience in order to relate to those women who are also battling infertility. I would not have found some of the friends I have found through various support groups if I had not been diagnosed with PCOS. This second time around has not been any easier to accept. However, had I not begun this journey again I would not have felt led to start an infertility related bible study. I would not have connected with some amazing women on the sweetest of faith based levels. My faith would not have been challenged in this way and I would not know God's goodness the way I know it now.

When surrounding yourself with support through the journey (and you should), be sure you are careful of the company you keep. Try to surround yourself with positive people. While the journey is hard, you don't want people that will feed into your bitterness. You need to seek out those who still have optimism, who still have hope and will still support you when circumstances turn. Infertility is difficult enough without constantly focusing on all that is not going right.

The women that I am currently going through this study with definitely fit the bill. We all laugh together. We cry. We hope. We dream. We cling to a God who knows our hearts and has brought us together to serve as tangible examples of His love for us. I've challenged all of us to change our view of "necessary". We all also accepted the challenge, regardless of what our heads tell us, to change our thoughts from "I doubt it happened this cycle" to "I claim this cycle and consider myself PUPO (Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise) during the TTW." Hope is what we have. Faith is what we cling to and His grace is how we survive.

Just a side note...when it comes to the company you keep, consider the relationship and comfort level that you have with your doctor.  Some women decide to go with a specialist.  Find one that meets your needs and suits your personality and goals. If you're like me and various reasons hinder the use of a specialist,  work with a doctor that works with your particular condition.  A lot of doctors are familiar with my PCOS but I had to change practices in order to find a doctor that knew how to treat it and could give me reasons why they were choosing the types of treatment that they were suggesting. You are your best advocate.

I hope that no matter what you're going through you'll accept that no matter how difficult the journey, each moment is necessary.

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Thoughts for Thursday

The Washington Monument
January 2012

Is the weekend here yet?! It has been a really tough week here in the Land of Infertility. This was yet another "no go" month and it never gets easier. I've had to count my blessings over and over.

One of those blessings is my best friend. While we're at two completely different points in our lives she provides ample support and because she is "my person" she just knows what I need.

I bring her up to say that I'm super excited about visiting her. She lives in DC and G and I will be making our way there in a couple of weeks. I haven't been since 2012 (it was the first part of the year and freezing)  and there are several things we're looking forward to.

Laura and I at the Arlington Cemetery
January 2012

We've made plans to take G to the zoo and of course we'll scope out a cupcake shop or two. There will be coffee, laughter and some much needed down time. It will be such a nice distraction.

My primary prayers are safe travel for myself and the itty bitty as well as prayer that G will sleep in her new surroundings.

In other news,

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I hope you'll join us for this week's Thoughts for Thursday!

Linking up with Annie for Thoughts on Thursday



Thoughts for Thursday

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I had something completely different prepared for today, but last night my heart was led in another direction. I was reading through the end of One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp and I suddenly had to pause as my eyes soaked in this verse...

"I will bless you...and you will be a blessing."

Genesis 12:2 (emphasis mine)

Today I'll be saying goodbye to my sweet summer and begin the tasks of a teacher once again. This summer has been filled with odds and ends, both family and work related, and while there were some long days, these last couple of months have gone by in the blink of an eye. Suddenly the fact that life is truly but a vapor made a solid connection with my heart. I got to thinking (which isn't that what Thoughts for Thursday is all about?) about the immeasurable blessings that I have received, not just over the last couple of months, but years, and then daily. Every day I am blessed to an incomprehensible degree.  

Just take a look...

A best friend who'll run after my dreams with me...

I get to be married to the man who truly is my best friend, the love of my life and a dream come true.

A little red haired, blue eyed itty bitty to call my own.

A beautiful family

Generations of strength and support

A God-art sky

A job I love!

Of course there is not enough screen space in the world to capture all that I'd love to share. I can't overlook my amazing church family or the other friends that we hold so closely to our hearts. These things don't even scratch the surface.

In One Thousand Gifts she goes into detail as to how we are given all blessings in order to be blessings for others. We are to empty ourselves in order to fill others...and yet, in doing so with the love of Christ, we will never feel depleted. God continually restores us...even in the midst of wait and heartache. He willingly fills our lives so that we can then pour out His love to others. Every act of service is testament to God's goodness in our lives. The joy found in our service to others can be found in simple tasks...even the things we do without thinking such as wiping a snotty nose, washing dishes, opening a door for another, bringing a meal to a shut-in...the list is endless. There are numerous ways everyday that we can pour ourselves into others. While not everyone will appreciate our service, God takes note. It pleases Him to see His children "spread the love."

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We're only given today and we have ample opportunities to make the most out of what may seem the mundane. I challenge you, along with myself, to selflessly pour yourself out. Bring your reservations to the feet of Jesus and take advantage of the opportunities presented to you to bring some goodness into the life of someone else. Make it a family affair. Teach your children the truth behind less is more and the joy that comes from giving. Change starts here. How will you be a blessing today?

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Linking up with Annie and Natalie for this week's Thoughts on Thursday.