My One Little Word: Wisdom

In 2017 I felt led to focus on the one little word, "Lean". I focused on scripture, Proverbs 3:5-6.

::via::

I could not have imagined the circumstances in which the Lord would use these verses in my life. Last year was hard. My anxiety was at an all time high and I have continued to have personal struggles. Through it all though, I have come back to those verses. I embraced, some times hesitantly, but embraced nonetheless, what it means to really lean into the Lord. Some of the things we faced were far beyond my realm of understanding and it was in my darkest moments that God reminded me of His sovereignty and His ability to bring peace to my heart in the chaos.  

I recently reflected on the areas that I would choose to focus on and I feel like I've gained some maturity in a lot of areas. I still have many weaknesses and to say that I learned to lean into God in all areas or in all circumstances would be a false statement. However, I have grown in a lot of ways and I more readily find myself allowing Him to be my safe place.

2018 has brought about a new focus and a new word. This year's one little word is "Wisdom". Through various devotions, comments, and personal reading, I have found the theme of wisdom woven throughout. The message has become clear to me. I need to seek wisdom in this next year. Although I can never be 100% as to what things will look like or how life will go, I do feel certain about some of the areas in which I will be intentionally seeking wisdom, with an overall goal of seeking God's wisdom in all things.

The scripture that I have chosen to focus on is James 1:5. 

You can find this lovely wallpaper here. I am using it as the lock screen on my phone. It will serve as a continuous reminder to seek wisdom as well as help me memorize the scripture. 

I will seek wisdom in...

-My time. I will not overcommit and I will leave white space in my schedule to practice self care. I will make a date night with my husband at least one night each month. I will spend quality time with my children.

-My routines. I will seek direction in developing cleaning and lesson planning routines that will allow me to feel less overwhelmed. 

-My health. I will continue to seek the right doctors for my symptoms and I will continue to work towards their health goals for me. I will take charge of my eating habits and return to low carb eating. I will make time for rest.

-My relationships. I am open and honest in my relationships with others and this can sometimes lead to hurt feelings. I will seek wisdom in my responses and reactions and pray for the right words, if any, for the situations and conversations I encounter. 

-My anxiety. I will seek God's wisdom when it comes to determining what is a "real threat" and what is merely perceived. I used to be such a glass half full person and Satan has attacked my confidence and assurance in ways I never dreamed. I have been struggling with my anxiety and it is my goal to practice self-care and to take my anxieties to the Lord and compare them against His Word.

-Our finances. We will seek His wisdom with our finances. This includes tithing, savings, and where and what to spend our money on. 

I am actually really excited to see how God reveals Himself this year as I seek His wisdom. I have some big, God sized dreams and I look forward to see how the Lord brings them to fruition.

Do you make resolutions? Set goals? Do you pick one little word? I'd love to hear from you!

The Truth Hurts

We've all heard that the truth hurts. It simply means that we do not like what we are being forced to hear, face or endure. I find myself in a season that is overwhelmingly full of hard truths. Sometimes I am the one dealing with the difficulty and sometimes I am the person that must share the hard news. I am honestly not sure which end I'd rather be on.

About two years ago I felt especially convicted to share some words and ask some difficult questions of someone I love dearly. I knew there would most likely be repercussions but this person and I had been in a similar situation before, so I was hopeful that I would see positive fruits as a result of my willingness to move forward once again. However, I battled with this. I did not want to risk the relationship. I did not want to cry. I did not want this person to feel attacked. As we all know, we don't always get what we want.

The words I spoke were taken out of context. The questions I asked were deemed imposing and disapproving. Everything I had not wanted to happen, despite earnestly praying for a better outcome, happened. I was devastated. One of my closest and dearest friends was no longer speaking to me...and basically has not since. Today is an especially hard day as I see the direction of the life that this person has chosen. It is painful. It feels almost as if a death has taken place. That is the near level of grief I have encountered as this day has approached. It is a day I should be present for, but am not wanted. It is a day that should be taking place under different circumstances. Alas, here I am, sitting with the truth.

I struggle...although the word struggle hardly feels adequate. I have to sit with the truth that these are the choices of this person. These are the walls that this person has put up. Only continued prayer and time may bring them down.

I've wrestled with this whole "speak truth" concept for a while now. It seems when I do, someone is offended, hurt, or needs to take a step back from me. I always come at it with love, but the truth hurts.

  Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ.

Eph. 4:15

It can be painful to share the truth. It can be frightening, but it should always be done in and out of love. I am known for not sugar coating things and it's true that I often say things that people simply do not want to hear...but I cannot help it. I cannot help how I feel the Spirit move. I have come to terms with the fact that there will be unpleasant repercussions. I am also reminded that there can be severe consequences. In fact, Christ was battered, scorned, humiliated and hung a cross for speaking truth. While my current circumstances cause anguish, they have yet to cause me death. However, the principal is the same.

We must put off the need to sugar coat and versions of half truths. We need to speak in love. We need to speak the Truth in love as God leads. God holds us to that expectation and I for one would rather lay my head on my pillow and sleep soundly with the knowledge that I have honored my God then to lose sleep over not following His leading.

Scripture promises difficult times, but it also promises great reward for pursuing Christ. Each encounter we have with someone is an opportunity for God to use us. Do not shy away. While in the moment, and in this case, years, the pain may cause heartache, I can rest assured that His Word will not return void. His purpose will prevail. He remains good. He remains faithful.

Truth remains.

Sifting through the Wreckage: The Need for Self-care after Tragedy

Tragedy is defined as “a lamentable, dreadful, or fatal event or affair; calamity; disaster.” Yep. That about sums it up. Unfortunately, there is not one person who can avoid tragedy. The degree of tragedy is both perceived and real and can only be determined by the person experiencing it. This also means that the methods of coping, mending and moving on will vary.

 Regardless of the type or level of tragedy, self-care needs take place.

 While I am not a doctor or psychologist, I have had a lot of experience as a CPS Social Worker, Behavior Specialist and teacher, working with others that have faced various degrees of trauma. I have seen the spirals. I have connected people with resources and watched them recover and mend. I’ve been the advocate, the shoulder to cry on and the voice of reason.

 I will be perfectly honest that it has been really difficult being on this side of tragedy. 3 months ago my world was changed. I have always been the “fixer” and I have since found myself not being able to fix anything.  I also know that the unhealthy eating habits, unaddressed emotions and situational avoidance that I’ve been dealing with are not proactive ways to care for myself.

 The week of Christmas, we took the kids out to look at Christmas lights. On the way, I, yet again, found my mind wandering back to October 11^th. I was revisited by the sights and smells. I could hear the sounds…the screams, the cries. I could hear my own voice pleading to God. Crying is a typical response for me these days, and, as my husband asked if I was okay, I finally admitted that no, I was not okay.

 It was time for me to do what I have helped others do for years. I needed to take care of myself.

 Self-care looks different for everyone. During that drive, on what should be a joyful, fun filled evening, I sifted through what I and my husband felt needed to be addressed.

-Emotional eating

-Avoidance

-Nightmares and flashbacks

-Triggers

After sifting through these things with my husband, we both agreed that I would benefit from counseling.

So what does my self-care look like?

I have been counseling with my pastor and now, a licensed counselor.

I have been attempting to regain a control of my eating. I have been planning my meals again, shopping for low-carb options, and meal prepping.

I have been slowly working my way back into small group settings.

I have been praying…a lot. My prayers have been transformed since October 11^th. God has revealed Himself in new ways and I have learned so much about His character. He has grown me in the most unexpected ways.

My Beauty from Ashes Journal-I have been keeping a journal. At the top of the page I have titled it Beauty from Ashes. It is a running list of all of the good things that have come from this tragedy. On the days when I cannot see past the tears, a look at the list of blessings that have stemmed from the heartache, bring me back to God’s goodness.

This is what self-care currently looks like in my life.

Whatever self-care needs to look like for you, please take the first step forward. Seek out professional help or a trusted friend that will guide you through the process. There is no shame in taking care of yourself. There is no shame in seeking out help for what is altering your life. Tragedy takes on many forms and so does self-care.

What I’ve learned up to this point is that it is better not to wait. In order to move forward, you have to take the first step. I’ve also learned that the first step should not be taken alone. Rally the support you need, even if that can only begin with one person. You will make it through this. You really will be okay…maybe not now, but one day. You will be okay.

Psalms 62:5-8

Let all that I am wait quietly before God, for my hope is in Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress, where I will not be shaken. My victory and honor come from God alone. He is my refuge, a rock where no enemy can reach me. Oh my people, trust in Him at all times. Pour out your heart to Him, for God is our refuge.

What is Your Lion?

What keeps you up at night? You may think that it is something you watched on television or the sad news on the other end of the phone or a stack of bills you cannot pay. However, if you really look at what is keeping you awake, you’ll find that it boils down to what those thoughts or situations are prompting. Difficult, threatening and painful situations evoke feelings. Those feelings come in the way anxiety and fear. It is the anxiety and fear that leaves you lying awake with a full mind, troubled heart, and a pile of used tissues.

 We think that it is the event or possibilities that keep us awake, but it is actually the feelings those circumstances or experiences evoke. I have been dealing with nightmares and flashbacks for the last couple of months. They cause my anxiety level to rise quickly. My stress level also rises. These high levels then begin impacting me physically. I’ll feel sick, tired and overwhelmed.

 During a recent counseling session, my counselor told me to find time over the next couple of weeks to sit with the tragedy that I had experienced. I did not know what she meant by that at first. She explained that I am constantly battling how I feel. I am constantly trying to be strong and be where people think I should be in the healing process. I am trying to plan ahead and predict what may or may not happen. She recognized that I have yet to really sit with what has happened…

 This Monday was a Snow Day. As a teacher, it means an extra day of snuggles and downtime with my kiddos. I woke up thinking, today needs to be the day. Today needs to be the day when I sit in the quiet and just be with what has happened. No processing. No “what ifs”. I need to just be with the reality. I took my kids to the sitter, and despite wanting them here with me, I came home and sat in the silence.

 Revisiting October 11^th is painful. In fact, painful does not begin to describe it, but without details that I am not quite ready to share, know that pain is weaved all throughout.

 I was drawn back to a verse that I had come across not long after getting this “assignment” from my counselor.

I think back to what happened and I think about this verse. This tragedy is my “lion”. I was spared life. Each day that passes, I find moments where sadness overwhelms me, but I am also seeing more moments of joy…joy that I was not sure I’d be able to feel again. We are instructed to rejoice in all things (1 Thessalonians 5:16) and I have been finding ways to rejoice about what I’ve been through. Each day He is giving me strength. He is offering me grace each morning my feet hit the floor. He is by my side. My testimony has grown exponentially through this devastation and as I become more able to share, it will serve as an avenue for me to witness to others about God’s goodness and love. There is a message in this part of my life that needs to be heard. Just as in Timothy’s time, there are those living a life without the Salvation of Christ. If my story can pierce or soften one heart that will come to know Him, then it will have been worth all the heartache.

I have been delivered from the lion’s mouth. I have been set apart to share what others can or may not share. I have seen how God has saved me from the wreckage. While I still struggle with certain feelings and circumstances, I am no longer captive, and you need not be either. He is by your side. He will give you strength. He will deliver you.

What is your lion?

Learning to Lean in 2017

In 2015 I decided to forgo resolutions and just set goals. In 2016 I decided to center those goals around a single word for the year. 2016’s word was Restoration. I have been putting a lot of thought into what word I would need to focus on this year. When I felt led to Restoration, I had no idea how that word would take on valuable meaning as major life events unfolded in the latter half of the year.

 After some quiet time, I believe the Lord has lead me to the word I will focus on this year:

Lean

The dictionary has multiple meanings for this word. However, the one that struck an immediate chord with me was “to rely or depend”. The verse that I am focusing on this year accompanies this word and its definition in its entirety.

The last half of 2016 has taught me more than ever that I need to learn to lean. I am acutely aware at how inadequately I do this in my day to day life. I am a fixer. I am a planner. I do not do surprises well. I thrive under pressure and I enjoy routine. That is me. All of these personality traits tend to go against the meaning "lean".

It should not come as a surprise that I am hesitant to embrace this for the year, but I truly feel led to allow it to be the word that defines 2017.

Over the last year I have experienced indescribable heartache and lingering grief. I have had my best laid plans scattered in the wind, only to be amazed by God’s provision and order. While I know accepting to learn to lean is necessary, I also know it will be challenging.

I’ve been trying to gauge what this will look like for me this year and I have chosen some areas to really focus on this year. Some are similar to last year, but with a new word, there will also be new outcomes. While I could never foresee all that God has in store for me and my family, I know His plan is perfect. I know His actions are good. I know as I learn to truly lean on Him that I will grow my relationship with Him.

Learning to Lean in 2017

My Family

-depend on my husband more (give up more of my need to control)

-rely on God for wisdom in raising and making decisions for our children

-relying on God to grow our family how and when He chooses

Health

-relying on God to lead me to the right doctors and professionals

-depending on God to help me get back on track with eating and exercise

-relying on God to help me recover completely, both physically and emotionally

Home

-relying on God’s provision

-depending on God to direct us to the perfect plan and resources for our new home

Work

-depending on God to give me wisdom, patience, and endurance

Interpersonal

-relying on God to show me ways to strengthen relationships

-trusting God to bring those that I need into my life

-seeking God’s will for my friendships

-trusting God to help me develop relationships with others that I can help

It may seem like I have a lofty list, but the majority of these areas are intertwined. If you notice, the word lean is full of action. I know my shortcomings, but they do not define me. God will do a great work with me this year as I learn to lean into Him. It is my hope and prayer that I will be able to pay it forward through this season of growth and leave the lives I encounter better than they were before.

What will you be aiming for this year?

Linking up with Mommy Moments

Restoration in Review: 2016

I chose the word “Restoration”for the year of 2016. I worked hard to make change and as life goes, things did not quite turned out as I had planned…for better and for worse. I’ve learned so much in these past two months alone. Here is how Restoration panned out this past year.

Restore My Health

-Lower BP

Despite losing weight, this did not change. I meet with my doctor in January to look at what else I can do…especially since quitting my job is not an option.

-Overall health/fitness

Between February and June I had lost 25lbs. Since October I have put a lot of this back on for a variety of reasons.

-Address current health concerns

Most issues have been resolved. My shoulder still gives me some issues and there are still a couple minor things, but overall, I’m happy that the majority of my health concerns are no longer prevalent.

Restore Relationships

-More face time

I did not get to hang out with people as much as I had hoped.

-Less social media

I took a major step back. I’ve apologized for not knowing what’s going on in the lives of others since I almost never look at my FB feed. I can post pictures for family and friends without even going to the app. Quite frankly, if it weren’t for the ease of being able to share photo updates with those people, I’d get off FB permanently.

-Snail mail

I definitely sent out more than usual this year.

-Acts of kindness

I don’t think anyone can ever do enough of this.

-Date my husband

We managed to get in a date almost every month!

Restore My Prayer Life

-Create a place of prayer

-Dive wholeheartedly into the Word

-Devote one-on-one time with the Lord daily

These areas, while slightly improved, still have a lot of room to grow.

Restore Order in My Home

-All meals at the table

-Complete unfinished projects

-Establish a cleaning routine

-Purge unneeded/unnecessary items from our home

At the end of July we moved into a much smaller rental. We do not even have room for a table…alas our family dinners take place together in the living room. I can’t wait to get our new house built. However, because off the move, we were forced to get those projects that had been stalled for years completed. We also purged SO MUCH STUFF during the move. There is still much more to rid ourselves of, but we made a major dent.

I am hopeful for this New Year. I foresee a fair amount of change in our future, but prayerfully, the majority will be good. I’ll soon be sharing the word that I have chosen for this upcoming year and what we are looking forward to.

Two Months After Tragedy

I realize the blog has been particularly quiet lately. We have had a lot of life happening and I just could not justify missing it to sit in front of my laptop. I hope to be slowing down. There is a lot I want to share…things I feel I need to share.

Beauty from the ashes.

December 11^th marked two months since the tragedy. Two months. It has been an amount of time that both seems so short and so long ago at the same time.

It has been two months of recovery, physically, emotionally and mentally. There are moments that I feel like I’ve come so far in the way that I have been coping and then there are moments when a sound or smell triggers a memory that sends my mind whirling back to the day. My heart races. The adrenaline shoots through my veins. I find myself shaking.

In those moments, I frantically seek for the familiar. I look or listen for something that brings me back to my reality. Fortunately, I find it.

Over the last month it has become fairly evident that it is assumed that I am back to “normal”. I suppose because of my personality, it should just be natural for me to jump back into life as it was before. However, life is not like it was before. To those who think it has all been “fixed” and I am “better”…please, give me more time without judgement.

In a recent session with my pastor and his wife, we discussed my grief and how this event has changed my life. It is not something I want to “just forget” and move on from. It is my new normal and it is shaping who I believe God is wanting me to become.

I have been reading through Holley Gerth’s book, You’re Goingto Be Okay. I have been amazed at how, with each chapter, the content is precisely what I need for what I am experiencing. Here are a couple of gems I have been mulling over the last couple of days…

“It’s clear he wants us to thrive. He longs to bless us, yearns to bring us joy, stops at nothing to make sure we have an opportunity to experience life to the full…those places of pain are not where we’re made to dwell” (p.112)

“Jesus said, ‘I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full’ John 10:10. He didn’t say an easy life. He didn’t say a self-indulgent life where all your wishes are granted. He didn’t say a life free from pain. But he did say a full life. One of joy, peace, love, and hope. It’s not only possible---it’s promised” (p.117)

I know there are still some who are not familiar with what has happened and in time, I believe that part of my testimony will be shared. October 11^th has become a part of me. However, as the Lord continues to remind me, it is not who I am. The flashbacks and the nightmares are not where I am meant to dwell. God does not mean for me to live without joy and happiness.

If you are going through a season of grief, sadness or pain, remember, while it may not seem as such, it is only temporary. This truth has become prevalent as we head into this Christmas season. Jesus Himself was no stranger to the aches in this life. After all, it is why He came. His descent from Heaven to Earth was to bring the promise of Hope and Joy. In knowing the days we would face ahead, God knew we would need something to cling to. That Hope came in the form of a baby in a manger. It came in the form of a man, leading a perfect, sinless life, who would later die for the sins and imperfections of all. It came in the form of a Savior on a cross, who would breathe His last breath to give us Life.

“For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save
the world through him.”
John 3:17

Linking up for Mommy Moments

Jehovah Shalom: The Lord is Peace

Peace.

A single syllable word that has the ability to hold more promise than its five letters can simply convey. We want it. We hope for it. We need it.

God promises it.

I myself will tend my sheep and give them a place to lie down in peace, says the Sovereign Lord.

Ezekiel 34:15

Over the last month I have dealt with levels of anxiety that I have not experienced in quite some time. The sweaty palms, quickened heart rate, nauseated stomach, social situation avoidance…the symptoms are many. Nothing about these moments have been peaceful. I fight a continuous battle between what I feel and what I know. My sour stomach constantly reminds me that I am not at peace. The nightmares remind me that my world has been shaken. The flashbacks bring tears that I wish I could stop crying.

This is real life. Not only am I working through all of this, but there is the rest of “life” that I am forced to deal with. It is quite overwhelming.

Peace.

I want it. I hope for it. I need it.

God promises it.

God is peace. He is Jehovah Shalom.

Too often I think we find ourselves living in the “what ifs”. What if this happens? What if that goes bad? What if…what if…what if…the possibilities of “if” are endless. I imagine Satan rubbing his hands together as a cruel smile crosses his face with each “what if” that sends us further and further into a spiral. Because of our sin nature, we naturally gravitate toward the negative. We tend to find the worst in situations. We imagine the worst, even if it is unlikely to happen. We let the “what ifs” get the better of us. The more “what ifs” we cram into our hearts and heads, the less space there is for peace to reside.

We are not meant to live this way.

In order to allow God to move in our lives as Jehovah Shalom, we have to make a conscience effort to adjust our thinking. We have to not immediately jump to the negative or what if. Is this easy? No. Necessary? Yes.

I have been continually seeking God in prayer. I have been writing scripture on my heart for when my anxiety begins to arise. Am I always successful? No. But I am making progress. I’m trying to allow God to penetrate my heart with His peace. I am trying to let His words reverberate in my head. It’s a process. This peace extends far beyond just the ache that I have been dealing with over the last month. It is relevant for the present and will be beneficial in the future. I’m learning how to fully accept His peace while working through my feelings.

“Don’t be afraid,” he said, “for you are very precious to God. Peace! Be encouraged! Be strong!” As he spoke these words to me, I suddenly felt stronger and said to him, “Please speak to me, my lord, for you have strengthened me.”

Daniel 10:19

Despite my best efforts, there will always be things out of my control. However, the One who holds my life in His hands is the One who is in control of everything. He is my God. He is my Peace. He is Jehovah Shalom.

You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you!

Isaiah 26:3

El Roi: The God Who Sees

3 weeks have passed. Some days it seems like it has been months and other days it seems like it just happened. Time can be a complicated thing.

There have been times over the last couple of weeks that I’ve really struggled. I’ve cried tears as fresh as the first ones to fall. In those moments I have found myself wondering if God really sees me…I mean really sees me.

As a mother, my heart aches at the sound of my children’s cries. I want so badly to alleviate their hurt. I want their pain to stop. I see them. I come to them.

God is my Father. My Heavenly-made the cosmos-holds the world in His hands-Father. He loved me before anyone in the world knew of my existence. It only stands to reason that He sees me. After all, He is omniscient.

I recently read Genesis 16. It is the story of Hagar. Through circumstances beyond her control she becomes pregnant, is badly treated by her mistress, and runs away out of fear and anguish. In the moment she feels most alone, God sends His angel to her. He sends His comfort and instruction.

God saw her. He saw a woman grieving. He saw a heart aching with little relief. He saw a soul needing rest and peace.

As I mulled over this, I realized that although our pain and angst are the result of very different circumstances, we are very similar in how God sees us.

God sees me. He sees a woman grieving. He sees a heart aching with little relief. He sees my soul needing rest and peace.

In those moments, the God Hagar came to know as El Roi (The God Who Sees) reminded me that He is also the God who sees me. He sees my tears. He hears my silent prayers. He knows my anxieties. He knows me better than I know myself. He sees my past. He sees my present and He sees my future. He is in it all.

Just as He watches me, it is that much more important that I keep my eyes on Him. This world can be treacherous and Satan knows our weaknesses. He knows what keeps us up at night and he knows how to stir up worst case scenarios in our minds. He loves helping us jump to the “what ifs”. However, he is hindered when our eyes are on Christ. His foothold is broken.

“My eyes are ever on the Lord, for only He will release my feet from the snare.” Psalm 25:15

As I continue to work through the emotional wreckage, it is a comfort to know that He sees me. He will come to me. He will cover me with His wings.

“He will cover you with His feathers, and under His wings You will find refuge; His faithfulness will be Your shield and protection.” Psalm 91:4

Treading the Waves

How are you doing? This has become the most frequently, awkwardly asked question in my life. The questioning comes with sincerity. The awkwardness comes from an inward place. I struggle with how to respond. I am not one to sugar coat things and honesty has always been the best policy…but I know people want to hear that I’m fine. I know they want to hear that I’m doing okay.

 In a lot of ways I am.

I am remaining grateful. I am learning the meaning of true grace. I am sleeping at night. My appetite has returned. I do not cry all day, every day anymore.

So, in comparison, I am doing better.

And yet, in a lot of ways I am not.

I struggle with enjoying the good things in my life. I know His grace is what I need, especially during this time, but it is hard to accept. I sleep, but sometimes the dreams are haunting. My appetite has returned but I’m not caring for myself the way I was before…I’m way off track. I do not cry all day, but I cry most days.

 There is a lot of healing still ahead. The physical pain comes and goes these days. At times, normal tasks are still difficult and by the end of the day, I need an ice pack and/or ibuprofen.

 I’ve come along way though in almost 3 weeks. I’ve accepted that I need to embrace a new normal, and I will…it will just take time.

 Lately, when people ask how I’m doing, the most honest answer I can muster without going into detail that will make them regret asking is, “it comes in waves.” It is the best way to describe how life is right now. I remember my first trip to the ocean and my first experience in the waves. There were moments of fun and laughter as I jumped into each wave, feeling it rush past my body. Then, in a split second, I was knocked down…pulled down by the undertow as the waves washed over me. One moment I was happy, enjoying every second of sunshine and the next I was fighting for air.

Waves. It comes in waves.

As I’ve searched for solice in scripture, I’ve run across so many verses that have brought comfort. Some are typical of what one would cling to during difficult times, but then there are ones like this that just hit my heart.

“He alone stretches out the heavens and treads on the waves of the sea.”

Job 9:8

Job is describing God. He is the Creator. He made the heavens and placed the stars in the sky. But it was the second part of the verse that caught me. “[He] treads on the waves of the sea.” Those waves that held me captive for moments without air shift at His command. They cause Him no worry. As the waves of grief crash over me, He is fully aware. He treads those waves. He goes before me. He knows the pain I feel. He understands the angst that leaves me unsettled. He sees the waves before they hit. He knows they are coming and acts in mighty ways to help keep me afloat.

He prompts a friend to text or call. He designates days for cards of encouragement in the mail. He knows whose hugs I need. He orchestrates the perfect song on the radio.

 He treads the waves and does not allow me to stay under for long. The waves hit but He is quick to respond and pull me up and with each hit and recovery, I grow stronger.

By His might, I will stand my ground where hope can be found…

Linking up with Mommy Moments

You're Going to be Okay...A Bookshelf Reminder

Aside from work, I have been laying pretty low lately. My body is still recovering, and emotionally, being in groups is difficult right now. I struggle to accept the “nothing but love” that is showered upon me in the presence of large numbers. It’s overwhelming.

Over the last few days, I have been reminded of the importance of human interaction and establishing normalcy. I’ve had flashbacks to the darkest time in my life up to this point and I know the signs of depression. I also know interventions and positive steps towards not falling into such a despondent state. I learned during that time, while some quiet and solitude can be healthy, complete isolation is not. Trouble comes when you cannot bring yourself to do the things you used to love.

 This past week I forced myself to attend my infertility support group meeting. My co-leader led the meeting, which was greatly appreciated. We only had a couple ladies attend this month, but even that was a bit challenging for me from a social standpoint. This isn’t me. I don’t shy away from my ministry. I don’t avoid those that I love…but right now it is just so hard.

 On Friday, I attempted a little “me time.” My husband had the kids and I was completely on my own. Truth be told, I wanted to go home, crawl under the covers and go to sleep. It would be easier than trying to stop myself from crying in public. However, healing does not come through avoidance.

I decided to visit a bookstore. I sat in the car for a few minutes getting a game plan in mind. My friend from back home had recommended a book that she felt might help me through some of this season. I knew where the Christian book section was in the store and I did not figure I’d have to be in there long to find it. I got out of the car and made my way towards the entrance. I’m still a little slow in the going so thank you, sir, in the idling car who patiently waited for me to cross the walkway.

I entered the store and the tempting scent of coffee wafted around me. I almost opted for a cup but I was on a mission. I went straight to the section that would hopefully house the book I had come for. I began skimming the titles/authors in search of the book. I found the book and took a closer look. Something in me seemed to say that this was not what I needed “right now”. I said a silent prayer. I asked for direction because there was this nagging feeling…a feeling that there was something else I had come for. I became teary as I read through various titles, all seeming wrong. I felt like there was something I was supposed to see, but I just wasn’t seeing it.

I found myself alone in the isle. I was confronted with hundreds of titles, most containing promises of healing, ways to know the love of Jesus, etc. I stood there uncertain of exactly what I needed. In a brief, silent heart’s cry, I begged the Lord to let me know that I was going to be okay. I needed to know that I would make it through this and His purpose would be fulfilled through the circumstances.

I lifted my eyes and they immediately fell upon one title. It was a single copy pressed against the left hand side of the book shelf. Bright, distractingly colored copies of other titles beckoned for attention but my focus was on this one title…

You’re Going to Be Okay

I’ve labeled this experience as divine intervention. So many times over the last week and a half, God has revealed Himself in ways that could never lend themselves to just mere coincidence. God has proven Himself good. He has proven Himself gracious. He has provided. He has calmed and embraced me with His peace and here, once again, in a weary, tear stained moment, He responded.

My heart’s cry: Will I ever be okay? His response: You’re going to be okay.

 The Lord will guide you continually, giving you water when you are dry and restoring your strength.

Isaiah 58:11

I bought the book. I have since been diving into its print. It is filled with biblical truth and wisdom. The words jump from the page and straight to my heart. I believe, without a doubt, that this book was meant for me. It is a tangible way for God to reach me. I express myself best through the written word and likewise, I respond well to it.

This ordinary moment in time has made an extraordinary mark on my heart. God continues to respond to the cries of my heart. He continues to make His involvement known. While right now I do not know exactly how He’ll pull us all through this, I know undeniably that He will. His purpose will be fulfilled. His plan will be accomplished…and I will be okay.

 The Lord says, “I will guide you along the best pathway for your life. I will advise you and watch over you."

Psalm 32:8

*The book that I have been led to read is titled You’re Going to BeOkay: Encouraging Truth Your Heart Needs to Hear, Especially on the Hard Daysby Holley Gerth. I was in no way compensated for this post. Its mention was made on my own accord. However, from what I have read so far, whatever season, no matter how bright or dark, this book is a wonderful, timely read.

When God Uses the Unimaginable

There are terrible life experiences that we would deem unimaginable…unfathomable. We see them on the news, we read them in the paper, and we hear them spread around small towns. Sometimes we know the people. Sometimes we don’t. But what happens when it is you? What happens when you experience the unimaginable?

 I’m processing this very thing right now.

 When I accepted Christ at 7 years old, I knew I loved Jesus. When I recommitted my life at the age of 13 I was on fire for Jesus. I wanted God to use me in big ways to grow the Kingdom. This desire to reach others for Christ led me to being active in my church’s youth/college group, on mission trips, camp counseling and eventually youth ministry. I still get teary at the announcement of someone’s salvation and I often cry at baptisms. To see others recognize their need and love of the Lord overwhelms my heart.

 A while back I recognized that this fire had quieted some. I had become comfortable in my own little world, raising my kids, being a wife, and living out our plans as a family. We’ve kept Christ in our lives and we actively teach our children about His goodness. However, I realized that I was personally becoming a little lukewarm. I’d become very comfortable in letting others do Kingdom work that I could be doing. I asked God to draw me closer to Him. I asked Him to help me help others come to know Him.

“It is God who is at work in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure.”

Philippians 2:13

He has since responded and it has come through an unimaginable tragedy. The story is one that I  can’t emotionally share at this time but know that it has already etched itself into my testimony. Testimonies are meant to be shared and when the time is right, I’ll be able to do so. Until then, I will remain sifting through the pieces, the emotions and my purpose.

Many are the plans in a person's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails.

Proverbs 19:21

 For those who know of the situation, they, like myself, struggle to fathom how it has all come to be. I’ve stopped asking the “why” questions. I do not need those answers and most of the questions that I have posed up to this point have been answered through God’s divine intervention. As time continues on, I hear more and more about how God is using this devastation to further the Kingdom. Hearts are being won for Christ.  While I do not understand the why or what of it all, I do understand that God is using this for good. He is using the pain for His glory and people are being led to salvation. Eyes are being opened. Families are reconnecting. Prayer lives are being rekindled. Appreciation of others is extending. His grace is abounding. His peace is reaching realms beyond our understanding.

 So what do I do and what can I recommend you do when God allows the unimaginable to cause pain?

I suggest, as I am, that you allow Him to heal you.

He heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds.

Psalm 147:3

 The pain comes in waves, both physical and emotional. The ache for wholeness is sometimes overwhelming, but it means we are alive. It means our purpose has not been fulfilled. There is still something left for us to do. In my situation, this carries great weight. The extremes that God has used to reach others and change me often leaves me speechless…but only because I know that if He is willing to put me through this, He has something much greater in store. The devastation is not a result of a lack of love. It is not a result of anyone’s disobedience. It is a result of a fallen world and God’s desire to bring us back to Him. Do not stay angry. Do not disconnect. Hold tight to the Healer. Allow Him to embrace you when you ache. Allow your heart to pour out the words that your mouth cannot utter.

I lift my hands to you in prayer. I thirst for you as parched land thirsts for rain.

Psalm 143:6

 When we accept Christ that means we accept His purpose for us. We can never fully know what He has in store for us…how He’ll use us. It may not be in the way we’d wish it, but I know without a doubt that it will result in things far better than we could hope for. His will is perfect. His love for us is vast. His grace is sufficient.

 “…Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” 

Matthew 11:28-29

In those things, we must rest when we experience the unimaginable. Allow yourself to be held.

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