Two Months After Tragedy

I realize the blog has been particularly quiet lately. We have had a lot of life happening and I just could not justify missing it to sit in front of my laptop. I hope to be slowing down. There is a lot I want to share…things I feel I need to share.

Beauty from the ashes.

December 11^th marked two months since the tragedy. Two months. It has been an amount of time that both seems so short and so long ago at the same time.

It has been two months of recovery, physically, emotionally and mentally. There are moments that I feel like I’ve come so far in the way that I have been coping and then there are moments when a sound or smell triggers a memory that sends my mind whirling back to the day. My heart races. The adrenaline shoots through my veins. I find myself shaking.

In those moments, I frantically seek for the familiar. I look or listen for something that brings me back to my reality. Fortunately, I find it.

Over the last month it has become fairly evident that it is assumed that I am back to “normal”. I suppose because of my personality, it should just be natural for me to jump back into life as it was before. However, life is not like it was before. To those who think it has all been “fixed” and I am “better”…please, give me more time without judgement.

In a recent session with my pastor and his wife, we discussed my grief and how this event has changed my life. It is not something I want to “just forget” and move on from. It is my new normal and it is shaping who I believe God is wanting me to become.

I have been reading through Holley Gerth’s book, You’re Goingto Be Okay. I have been amazed at how, with each chapter, the content is precisely what I need for what I am experiencing. Here are a couple of gems I have been mulling over the last couple of days…

“It’s clear he wants us to thrive. He longs to bless us, yearns to bring us joy, stops at nothing to make sure we have an opportunity to experience life to the full…those places of pain are not where we’re made to dwell” (p.112)

“Jesus said, ‘I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full’ John 10:10. He didn’t say an easy life. He didn’t say a self-indulgent life where all your wishes are granted. He didn’t say a life free from pain. But he did say a full life. One of joy, peace, love, and hope. It’s not only possible---it’s promised” (p.117)

I know there are still some who are not familiar with what has happened and in time, I believe that part of my testimony will be shared. October 11^th has become a part of me. However, as the Lord continues to remind me, it is not who I am. The flashbacks and the nightmares are not where I am meant to dwell. God does not mean for me to live without joy and happiness.

If you are going through a season of grief, sadness or pain, remember, while it may not seem as such, it is only temporary. This truth has become prevalent as we head into this Christmas season. Jesus Himself was no stranger to the aches in this life. After all, it is why He came. His descent from Heaven to Earth was to bring the promise of Hope and Joy. In knowing the days we would face ahead, God knew we would need something to cling to. That Hope came in the form of a baby in a manger. It came in the form of a man, leading a perfect, sinless life, who would later die for the sins and imperfections of all. It came in the form of a Savior on a cross, who would breathe His last breath to give us Life.

“For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save
the world through him.”
John 3:17

Linking up for Mommy Moments

Treading the Waves

How are you doing? This has become the most frequently, awkwardly asked question in my life. The questioning comes with sincerity. The awkwardness comes from an inward place. I struggle with how to respond. I am not one to sugar coat things and honesty has always been the best policy…but I know people want to hear that I’m fine. I know they want to hear that I’m doing okay.

 In a lot of ways I am.

I am remaining grateful. I am learning the meaning of true grace. I am sleeping at night. My appetite has returned. I do not cry all day, every day anymore.

So, in comparison, I am doing better.

And yet, in a lot of ways I am not.

I struggle with enjoying the good things in my life. I know His grace is what I need, especially during this time, but it is hard to accept. I sleep, but sometimes the dreams are haunting. My appetite has returned but I’m not caring for myself the way I was before…I’m way off track. I do not cry all day, but I cry most days.

 There is a lot of healing still ahead. The physical pain comes and goes these days. At times, normal tasks are still difficult and by the end of the day, I need an ice pack and/or ibuprofen.

 I’ve come along way though in almost 3 weeks. I’ve accepted that I need to embrace a new normal, and I will…it will just take time.

 Lately, when people ask how I’m doing, the most honest answer I can muster without going into detail that will make them regret asking is, “it comes in waves.” It is the best way to describe how life is right now. I remember my first trip to the ocean and my first experience in the waves. There were moments of fun and laughter as I jumped into each wave, feeling it rush past my body. Then, in a split second, I was knocked down…pulled down by the undertow as the waves washed over me. One moment I was happy, enjoying every second of sunshine and the next I was fighting for air.

Waves. It comes in waves.

As I’ve searched for solice in scripture, I’ve run across so many verses that have brought comfort. Some are typical of what one would cling to during difficult times, but then there are ones like this that just hit my heart.

“He alone stretches out the heavens and treads on the waves of the sea.”

Job 9:8

Job is describing God. He is the Creator. He made the heavens and placed the stars in the sky. But it was the second part of the verse that caught me. “[He] treads on the waves of the sea.” Those waves that held me captive for moments without air shift at His command. They cause Him no worry. As the waves of grief crash over me, He is fully aware. He treads those waves. He goes before me. He knows the pain I feel. He understands the angst that leaves me unsettled. He sees the waves before they hit. He knows they are coming and acts in mighty ways to help keep me afloat.

He prompts a friend to text or call. He designates days for cards of encouragement in the mail. He knows whose hugs I need. He orchestrates the perfect song on the radio.

 He treads the waves and does not allow me to stay under for long. The waves hit but He is quick to respond and pull me up and with each hit and recovery, I grow stronger.

By His might, I will stand my ground where hope can be found…

Linking up with Mommy Moments

You're Going to be Okay...A Bookshelf Reminder

Aside from work, I have been laying pretty low lately. My body is still recovering, and emotionally, being in groups is difficult right now. I struggle to accept the “nothing but love” that is showered upon me in the presence of large numbers. It’s overwhelming.

Over the last few days, I have been reminded of the importance of human interaction and establishing normalcy. I’ve had flashbacks to the darkest time in my life up to this point and I know the signs of depression. I also know interventions and positive steps towards not falling into such a despondent state. I learned during that time, while some quiet and solitude can be healthy, complete isolation is not. Trouble comes when you cannot bring yourself to do the things you used to love.

 This past week I forced myself to attend my infertility support group meeting. My co-leader led the meeting, which was greatly appreciated. We only had a couple ladies attend this month, but even that was a bit challenging for me from a social standpoint. This isn’t me. I don’t shy away from my ministry. I don’t avoid those that I love…but right now it is just so hard.

 On Friday, I attempted a little “me time.” My husband had the kids and I was completely on my own. Truth be told, I wanted to go home, crawl under the covers and go to sleep. It would be easier than trying to stop myself from crying in public. However, healing does not come through avoidance.

I decided to visit a bookstore. I sat in the car for a few minutes getting a game plan in mind. My friend from back home had recommended a book that she felt might help me through some of this season. I knew where the Christian book section was in the store and I did not figure I’d have to be in there long to find it. I got out of the car and made my way towards the entrance. I’m still a little slow in the going so thank you, sir, in the idling car who patiently waited for me to cross the walkway.

I entered the store and the tempting scent of coffee wafted around me. I almost opted for a cup but I was on a mission. I went straight to the section that would hopefully house the book I had come for. I began skimming the titles/authors in search of the book. I found the book and took a closer look. Something in me seemed to say that this was not what I needed “right now”. I said a silent prayer. I asked for direction because there was this nagging feeling…a feeling that there was something else I had come for. I became teary as I read through various titles, all seeming wrong. I felt like there was something I was supposed to see, but I just wasn’t seeing it.

I found myself alone in the isle. I was confronted with hundreds of titles, most containing promises of healing, ways to know the love of Jesus, etc. I stood there uncertain of exactly what I needed. In a brief, silent heart’s cry, I begged the Lord to let me know that I was going to be okay. I needed to know that I would make it through this and His purpose would be fulfilled through the circumstances.

I lifted my eyes and they immediately fell upon one title. It was a single copy pressed against the left hand side of the book shelf. Bright, distractingly colored copies of other titles beckoned for attention but my focus was on this one title…

You’re Going to Be Okay

I’ve labeled this experience as divine intervention. So many times over the last week and a half, God has revealed Himself in ways that could never lend themselves to just mere coincidence. God has proven Himself good. He has proven Himself gracious. He has provided. He has calmed and embraced me with His peace and here, once again, in a weary, tear stained moment, He responded.

My heart’s cry: Will I ever be okay? His response: You’re going to be okay.

 The Lord will guide you continually, giving you water when you are dry and restoring your strength.

Isaiah 58:11

I bought the book. I have since been diving into its print. It is filled with biblical truth and wisdom. The words jump from the page and straight to my heart. I believe, without a doubt, that this book was meant for me. It is a tangible way for God to reach me. I express myself best through the written word and likewise, I respond well to it.

This ordinary moment in time has made an extraordinary mark on my heart. God continues to respond to the cries of my heart. He continues to make His involvement known. While right now I do not know exactly how He’ll pull us all through this, I know undeniably that He will. His purpose will be fulfilled. His plan will be accomplished…and I will be okay.

 The Lord says, “I will guide you along the best pathway for your life. I will advise you and watch over you."

Psalm 32:8

*The book that I have been led to read is titled You’re Going to BeOkay: Encouraging Truth Your Heart Needs to Hear, Especially on the Hard Daysby Holley Gerth. I was in no way compensated for this post. Its mention was made on my own accord. However, from what I have read so far, whatever season, no matter how bright or dark, this book is a wonderful, timely read.

When God Uses the Unimaginable

There are terrible life experiences that we would deem unimaginable…unfathomable. We see them on the news, we read them in the paper, and we hear them spread around small towns. Sometimes we know the people. Sometimes we don’t. But what happens when it is you? What happens when you experience the unimaginable?

 I’m processing this very thing right now.

 When I accepted Christ at 7 years old, I knew I loved Jesus. When I recommitted my life at the age of 13 I was on fire for Jesus. I wanted God to use me in big ways to grow the Kingdom. This desire to reach others for Christ led me to being active in my church’s youth/college group, on mission trips, camp counseling and eventually youth ministry. I still get teary at the announcement of someone’s salvation and I often cry at baptisms. To see others recognize their need and love of the Lord overwhelms my heart.

 A while back I recognized that this fire had quieted some. I had become comfortable in my own little world, raising my kids, being a wife, and living out our plans as a family. We’ve kept Christ in our lives and we actively teach our children about His goodness. However, I realized that I was personally becoming a little lukewarm. I’d become very comfortable in letting others do Kingdom work that I could be doing. I asked God to draw me closer to Him. I asked Him to help me help others come to know Him.

“It is God who is at work in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure.”

Philippians 2:13

He has since responded and it has come through an unimaginable tragedy. The story is one that I  can’t emotionally share at this time but know that it has already etched itself into my testimony. Testimonies are meant to be shared and when the time is right, I’ll be able to do so. Until then, I will remain sifting through the pieces, the emotions and my purpose.

Many are the plans in a person's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails.

Proverbs 19:21

 For those who know of the situation, they, like myself, struggle to fathom how it has all come to be. I’ve stopped asking the “why” questions. I do not need those answers and most of the questions that I have posed up to this point have been answered through God’s divine intervention. As time continues on, I hear more and more about how God is using this devastation to further the Kingdom. Hearts are being won for Christ.  While I do not understand the why or what of it all, I do understand that God is using this for good. He is using the pain for His glory and people are being led to salvation. Eyes are being opened. Families are reconnecting. Prayer lives are being rekindled. Appreciation of others is extending. His grace is abounding. His peace is reaching realms beyond our understanding.

 So what do I do and what can I recommend you do when God allows the unimaginable to cause pain?

I suggest, as I am, that you allow Him to heal you.

He heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds.

Psalm 147:3

 The pain comes in waves, both physical and emotional. The ache for wholeness is sometimes overwhelming, but it means we are alive. It means our purpose has not been fulfilled. There is still something left for us to do. In my situation, this carries great weight. The extremes that God has used to reach others and change me often leaves me speechless…but only because I know that if He is willing to put me through this, He has something much greater in store. The devastation is not a result of a lack of love. It is not a result of anyone’s disobedience. It is a result of a fallen world and God’s desire to bring us back to Him. Do not stay angry. Do not disconnect. Hold tight to the Healer. Allow Him to embrace you when you ache. Allow your heart to pour out the words that your mouth cannot utter.

I lift my hands to you in prayer. I thirst for you as parched land thirsts for rain.

Psalm 143:6

 When we accept Christ that means we accept His purpose for us. We can never fully know what He has in store for us…how He’ll use us. It may not be in the way we’d wish it, but I know without a doubt that it will result in things far better than we could hope for. His will is perfect. His love for us is vast. His grace is sufficient.

 “…Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” 

Matthew 11:28-29

In those things, we must rest when we experience the unimaginable. Allow yourself to be held.

linking up with Mommy Moments

Baby N's [2nd] Trip to the Emergency Room

At one month we took our sweet boy to the Emergency Department per our pediatrician. You can read about that experience here. Fortunately, by the Lord’s goodness, he was quickly healed and all was well. It was my hope to never have another venture such as that again. As life would have it, we can hope, but sometimes things still may not go as we’d like.

Saturday began wonderfully. Both kids woke up happy and G was eager to attend her friend’s birthday party that morning. I noticed N had two little red dots close to his eye and another couple on his knee. I assumed they were bug bites from having been outside the evening before. No big deal.

Tooth #5 broke through that morning...

We went to the party, which began around 10am and I noticed another little spot had developed on his face and a couple more on his leg, as well as his arm. He had been in the grass playing near the playground and it was warm. I once again assumed either he had gotten bitten by something or the heat was causing his eczema to flair a little. No worries.

Around 11am there were more noticeable spots and when I changed his diaper, I saw several had developed on his stomach and diaper area. Still thinking it was probably the heat, I was not too worried. I just kept him cool and hydrated. He seemed un-phased and happy. I left it alone.

By 12:30pm when we left, my friend’s mother-in-law pointed out that he appeared to have several more spots or “bites”. She was right…a little bit of worry began to creep in. By the time we got home, the spots were multiplying at an alarming rate and they were getting larger. I contacted a nurse friend and she recommended we take him to the Emergency Department.

I dropped my daughter off with my in-laws and my mother came along with me to the hospital (my husband was on a day trip). We arrived about 4:30pm at the hospital and got him registered. By this time, the spots on his face had begun to merge. He was quickly developing more spots and the ones he had were getting larger. I was anxious to find out what was wrong with my boy. I kept going through everything since the night before…had he eaten something new? Did I notice any actual insect bites? Had he touched something? What was I missing?!

The rash progression (it was all over his body by the afternoon)

Eventually we were taken back to a room and met with several doctors. The lead doctor determined that N has roseola. He had a fever a couple of days ago that I attributed to his runny nose. However, the doctor said that was his body fighting off this virus. I have no idea where he picked it up. We left a little after 8pm and headed home. We basically have to let it run its course and the doctor did warn me that the rash would look worse before it got better.

As of this morning, that has proven true.

-Sunday morning-

Bless his heart

I’m grateful that his condition is nothing more serious and will pass. I swear this little guy just likes to make his mommy worry. We’ve had several health related scares with him. He doesn’t tend to get the typical “whatever is going around” kind of stuff…it’s always something bigger and more dramatic. ::sigh:: Regardless, I am so thankful for a healthy boy. Despite the rash, they deemed him in perfect health and when this passes, he will be as good as new.

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Baby N's Trip to the Emergency Department

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A mother's intuition is often a force too be reckoned and rarely disagreed with. I almost never forgo my gut instinct but of course, the one day I do, serious happens. Never again.

I noticed a couple days ago that N's right pectoral muscle seemed a bit hard and slightly larger than his left. We had this happen with G the week after her birth, not 5 weeks later, but even so, I did not read too much into it since with G, the condition was considered normal. It generallly occurs because of hormones passed on from the mother.

When I woke up with him on Friday morning I noticed he was more fussy than normal. He's typically a pretty chill baby. Nothing seemed to make him happy, he wasn't eating well and the swelling in his chest became concerning, especially since he had developed a couple new symptoms.

I was freaking out a little in my head and eagerly awaited my husband to get home from work. When he got home I called our pediatrician, and while she said it could be "normal", she thought it best to bring him in. I wanted to go but with my classroom unfinished and my sub plans needing to be complete, against my better judgment I took G to school to work while my husband took N to the doctor. Even on my drive to school I felt like I should have gone with them.

His appointment was at 10:30 and around 11 I got a call from my hubby. He didn't say anything other than the doctor wanted to talk to me. My heart sunk to my stomache. She proceeded to inform me that she was concerned that he had an infection. She thought it best to send him to the hospital for further testing since it could be potentially harmful. This would mean blood work, possibly a spinal tap and potentially a couple days in the hospital. I know she had to provide the possibilities but I was terrified of the unknown. Afterall, he's only 5 weeks old!

I immediately packed up my work, got G and headed down the hallway towards the exit. I felt prompted to stop in my friend's classroom. I asked her to pray with me over the situation. As she prayed I felt a peace come over me. The Lord was making His presence known.

I called G's baby sitter and made plans to drop her off on my way to the hospital. I dropped her off and quickly stopped at home to grab extra clothes in case he was admitted. As I tried to stop crying I kept praying for his health and wisdom for his doctors. In the midst of my tears and fear, I was led to this verse:

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It served as such a source of reassurance as I waited to hear updates. On my way to the hospital my husband let me know that they had taken blood and were prepping him for an ultrasound. It was killing me to not be there.

Upon arriving at the hospital, I could not get in touch with my husband to find out where I needed to go. I must have called his phone a dozen times. No answer. I finally made my way to the Emergency Department where I spoke with a hospital volunteer at the desk. I informed her that I was there to be with my infant son who had been brought in earlier. She called a nurse to ask if I could "visit" the patient. I kindly made it clear that I was not there to merely visit. I was his mother and needed to be with him. Shortly after I was escorted back to his room.

No one was in there but the relief of finally being there hit me hard. I just started crying (for the 20th time). A med student came and checked on me and did not seem confident in me when I told him that I really was ok. He gave me a brief update and eventually allowed me to just sit in peace. After what seemed like forever,  my husband and baby were wheeled back into the room. I immediately picked up my son and of course,  cried again.

We waited for a long while on the results. The doctors were surprised, but pleased to announce that his tests came back clear. He had NO sign of infection. He did have some inflammation but could not find an infectious cause. They eventually allowed us to be discharged with the understanding that we would need to maintain monitoring and follow up with our pediatrician.

We 100% attribute the good news to the Lord's healing. The doctors can't explain the lack of infection but we know that it is God's intervention and response to numerous prayers. Afterall, He is the Great Physician.

Linking up with Mommy Momments

Monthly Weight Loss and Pictures

I won't even pretend that I've given a praiseworthy attempt at losing weight or accomplishing my goals this month. In fact, since I'm being completely honest, this month I hit a wall. I've been facing a weight loss plateau and I let it get the best of me. Curse this back and forth sway of 1-2lbs. I lost focus. I got caught up in the traveling, and while wonderful, I didn't eat like I should, nor exercise, during those times. I allowed being away from home to be my excuse for extra snacking and high calorie food options. I was on vacation!

We've also been facing some personal matters and I've found myself settling into old habits. More than once I caught myself turning to food for comfort. Remnants of my Emotional Eating surfaced but I refused to let them stick around.


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I've tried not to be too hard on myself...that would only crush what motivation I have left. While this last week has held many wonderful things, it has also held it's share of stress, anxiety and disappointment, but I did my best to not allow these feelings overrule my better judgment. I've gotten in a little more exercise this past week and I'm feeling better about greeting July (if you don't count the fact that half of my summer will be over ::tears::)

So while I wish I had amazing results to share with you this month...I do not. I know in order to move forward that I can't focus on "what I should have done."

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I did, however, have a memorable moment...my hubby and I took our first "real" date since the birth of our daughter over a year ago...and I wore "the dress". This dress has not been worn in almost 3 years. It fit better now than it ever has...I consider that a major accomplishment.

With all that being said, I've decided to take a step back from social media for a while. I feel that I need to be devoting myself more to some of my relationships and health and I need to get myself going forward in full motion again. I'll still be blogging, but maybe not as often and as for Facebook...don't be offended when I look clueless if you tell me about something you posted. More than likely I will have missed it. As much as I love reading updates, I have some updating that I need to do outside of the technological realm. God bless and I hope all of you are enjoying your summer!

 

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Promise and Possibility

Today I, along with my rambunctious red-head and a borrowed jogging stroller, will venture forth on my second 5k of the Spring season. This will be the first one I've done with a stroller, and thanks to a good friend of mine, I have appropriate baby jogging equipment. Who knows, it may even inspire me to invest...

While all of this is super exciting, I don't want to overshadow the importance of this race. There are thousands of amazing causes that races help support. This particular race helps others give a voice to those who do not have one. I'll be participating with many others today for the sake of saving lives...the lives of God's most precious gifts. The proceeds will go to a local agency that provides support in a variety of ways for women (teens included) who find themselves facing unplanned pregnancy. While these little lives are no surprise to God and His purpose for their precious existence has been set into motion, the mother, finding herself with child may not always rejoice in all that comes with new life. The Pregnancy Center "offers hope and answers to women with unplanned pregnancies."

I'll not use this post to rant, bombard you with facts, or weigh your heart down with nauseating statistics. Instead, I hope you will see the good in all that is. I hope you will take events like this, as I do, as opportunities to shine for Christ.

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I am so excited to share this time with my daughter. She was a promise. Through many trials, tears and prayers, God fulfilled the desire of my heart. He granted me the opportunity to add to this world in a way that I had only dreamed of being able to do.

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Sure kids make life messy...but it is the most wonderful, beautiful mess I've ever known!

I also want to draw attention to an urgent matter laid upon my heart. Several months ago a friend of mine brought the Dennis family's situation to my attention. I have prayed and cried for this couple since first reading their story. Last September they delivered their first daughter who joined Jesus 10 short hours after birth due to a terminal condition called anencephaly. She was diagnosed early on, and without all the medical lingo, it basically means that her brain was not/would not develop. When they were faced with this news, they were given the option to end their pregnancy. Their faith carried them and they chose to follow through with the pregnancy. She writes a beautiful explanation of why they chose to do so. My life has been changed through their testimony and the life of their daughter Sophie.

Today she posted some wonderful news. They are once again expecting! However, as I read on, the joy quickly becomes weaved with sadness. At 13 weeks they have discovered that this child has a rare illness known as acrania. This illness will have the same terminal result, but is different in that the baby's skull is not developing as opposed to the brain. The fact that this second child has a similar rare terminal illness is almost unheard of. They have decided to continue with this pregnancy as well, all the while praying for a miraculous healing. God is good. All. The. Time. While I can't begin to guess what God's plan is for this family or how things will turn out, I do know that God has grown an amazing testimony through this couple. I also know that He has used Sophie's life and all that is her story to change the world for so many. There is no doubt that she has made an amazing contribution to the Kingdom...in fact I'd venture to say that she has served the Lord in greater ways in her short 10 hours of life than many Christians do in 100 years.

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While I do very little justice in sharing just how loudly their faith, hope and joy resound, I do ask that you keep this beautiful family in your prayers. This September will mark 1 year since Sophie went to dance at the feet of Jesus and the emotions are still very raw...and now to add this to it...It's times like this that we as adults MUST revert to our child-like faith in order to not grow weary or bitter. His plan is greater than anything we could imagine or accomplish on our own.

As I draw this to a close, I put all of this out there to say that this race will be completed with all of my heart. G and I will be completing this race in memory of Sophie, in honor of her sibling and in honor of their parents who, along with God, have chosen to make their lives possible. Despite the length of life, these angels, my daughter and every other life included, are a promise. They are a possibility.

Promises and Possibilities

I look forward to sharing the day's events with you soon!!!

Revisiting the Journey

I enjoy waking up to blog posts from my dear friend and this morning was no exception. She has begun to blog about her pregnancy. The sweet moments, the ups and downs and all of the in-between moments, had me thinking back to my pregnancy. At this time last year we were just a couple of weeks from our daughter's unexpected arrival. It's hard to believe! I laid in bed listening to G babble over the monitor and could not help but revisit our journey.

Courtesy of Shay White Photography

We prayed so long for our little one and after my PCOS diagnosis, infertility treatment that led to many disappointments, wavering dreams, doctor visits, medications, blood work, etc., our prayers were answered. While we dream of adding to our family at some point, the anxieties and fears of our past attempt to rise to the surface. How quickly I can forget God's goodness and faithfulness. Not once did He leave me to hurt alone. While the journey was not easy, I was able to experience God in ways that I had not been able to do before. When you are TTC you enter into a whole new world. Whether it was the circumstances, the hormones or the medication, I was super sensitive and dealt with levels of emotions I was not prepared to experience. I know I didn't handle relationships in the best manner and I'm determined to find other ways to cope this go around.

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In discussing our hope to add to our family again someday, I often hear, "well at least you already have one baby if it doesn't work." Just an FYI, that does not ease the angst. While this statement is true, when the Lord places this type of desire in my heart, it is not something I can just shrug my shoulders at. I am not selfish. I am not ungrateful. While our experiences and journey were not as involved or as lengthy as some, it was our journey. It was our pain. It was our waiting. It was our hope. It was our joy. While many prayed for and empathized with us, we still experienced some dark times. I've been praying that the Lord will prepare our hearts and heads for whatever may come. I pray for peace and understanding. I pray for a stronger, sustaining sense of joy. While we don't know what the Lord has in store for us, we remain grateful for those who continue to pray with us and for those who didn't give up on me when I was not the person I wanted to be.

::via::

 

All of this brings me to this morning (did I mention I have yet another snow day?! Crazy!). After reading my friend's blog, I got feeling particularly sentimental. Her post inspired me to become a little creative. I have a "free" Shutterfly book that expires today and I had no idea what to use it for. I have been working on a book for G's first year but I still have a month to go...and the offer expires today...so instead, I thought I would put my pregnancy journal highlights into a Shutterfly album. I'm really excited (and a little anxious although I know to some that seems silly) about revisiting my pregnancy with G. I love the maternity album I created leading up to her birth but I didn't capture the ins and outs of my pregnancy...all of which I'm sure she will learn to appreciate someday.

9 months and then some

And the prayer of faith will save the one who is sick, and the Lord will raise him up.

James 5:15a

 

 

Baby girl is sick yet again. Although I know as her mother I have done what I can to keep her well, this is a season we must go through. I just keep telling myself that by the time she enters elementary school her immune system will be so prepped that she will not miss a day of school due to illness. Her stomach seems to have settled this morning and her 101+  temperature is back down, so now it's just a waiting game to see if the fever stays at bay.

 

I'm thankful for the above verse this morning. I continue to pray for healing in our home as we've had various illnesses pass through. The Lord is faithful to answer our prayers and He continues to pour down His goodness. So, as for this morning, we'll rejoice and worship the Lord with our daughter and then catch up on some snuggles and enjoy another episode of Doc McStuffins.

 

Today is also a special day in our home. G turned 9 months old at 1:33a.m. I cannot believe she is this old! Her milestones are so bittersweet.

 

 

 

I've been doing pretty well with keeping up on her "favorites" and various milestones to include in her baby book and her 1st year photo album. In celebration of today, I thought I'd list 9 things about her 9th month!

 

1. She is becoming quite the carrot top! Her red fuzzy head sets off her beautiful blue eyes.

 

2. She has mastered the backwards crawl...and can slither forwards if she really thinks about it.

 

3. She loves the song "Head, Shoulders, Knees, and Toes".

 

4. She is beginning to clap!

 

5. She is doing a lot more "self feeding" and loves her Puffs. The only food she has refused is beets (and I don't blame her but we thought we'd try.)

 

6. Her two best friends are Bella the Moose and Baby (her baby doll).

 

7. She is teething again.

 

8.  She says "da-da".

 

9. She "talks" non-stop and loves it when Daddy, Granna or Aunt KK talk to her on speaker phone. (hmm...I wonder where she gets that from)

 

She has already achieved so many firsts. As much as I miss some of the other things, I know it will only get better from here. Speaking of firsts, her first Valentine's Day is coming up. I'm really excited to make Valentine Day cards with her for her friends at the sitter. I'm also excited about the jumper that I have planned to make her...fingers crossed I get it done in time!