Jehovah Shalom: The Lord is Peace

Peace.

A single syllable word that has the ability to hold more promise than its five letters can simply convey. We want it. We hope for it. We need it.

God promises it.

I myself will tend my sheep and give them a place to lie down in peace, says the Sovereign Lord.

Ezekiel 34:15

Over the last month I have dealt with levels of anxiety that I have not experienced in quite some time. The sweaty palms, quickened heart rate, nauseated stomach, social situation avoidance…the symptoms are many. Nothing about these moments have been peaceful. I fight a continuous battle between what I feel and what I know. My sour stomach constantly reminds me that I am not at peace. The nightmares remind me that my world has been shaken. The flashbacks bring tears that I wish I could stop crying.

This is real life. Not only am I working through all of this, but there is the rest of “life” that I am forced to deal with. It is quite overwhelming.

Peace.

I want it. I hope for it. I need it.

God promises it.

God is peace. He is Jehovah Shalom.

Too often I think we find ourselves living in the “what ifs”. What if this happens? What if that goes bad? What if…what if…what if…the possibilities of “if” are endless. I imagine Satan rubbing his hands together as a cruel smile crosses his face with each “what if” that sends us further and further into a spiral. Because of our sin nature, we naturally gravitate toward the negative. We tend to find the worst in situations. We imagine the worst, even if it is unlikely to happen. We let the “what ifs” get the better of us. The more “what ifs” we cram into our hearts and heads, the less space there is for peace to reside.

We are not meant to live this way.

In order to allow God to move in our lives as Jehovah Shalom, we have to make a conscience effort to adjust our thinking. We have to not immediately jump to the negative or what if. Is this easy? No. Necessary? Yes.

I have been continually seeking God in prayer. I have been writing scripture on my heart for when my anxiety begins to arise. Am I always successful? No. But I am making progress. I’m trying to allow God to penetrate my heart with His peace. I am trying to let His words reverberate in my head. It’s a process. This peace extends far beyond just the ache that I have been dealing with over the last month. It is relevant for the present and will be beneficial in the future. I’m learning how to fully accept His peace while working through my feelings.

“Don’t be afraid,” he said, “for you are very precious to God. Peace! Be encouraged! Be strong!” As he spoke these words to me, I suddenly felt stronger and said to him, “Please speak to me, my lord, for you have strengthened me.”

Daniel 10:19

Despite my best efforts, there will always be things out of my control. However, the One who holds my life in His hands is the One who is in control of everything. He is my God. He is my Peace. He is Jehovah Shalom.

You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you!

Isaiah 26:3

El Roi: The God Who Sees

3 weeks have passed. Some days it seems like it has been months and other days it seems like it just happened. Time can be a complicated thing.

There have been times over the last couple of weeks that I’ve really struggled. I’ve cried tears as fresh as the first ones to fall. In those moments I have found myself wondering if God really sees me…I mean really sees me.

As a mother, my heart aches at the sound of my children’s cries. I want so badly to alleviate their hurt. I want their pain to stop. I see them. I come to them.

God is my Father. My Heavenly-made the cosmos-holds the world in His hands-Father. He loved me before anyone in the world knew of my existence. It only stands to reason that He sees me. After all, He is omniscient.

I recently read Genesis 16. It is the story of Hagar. Through circumstances beyond her control she becomes pregnant, is badly treated by her mistress, and runs away out of fear and anguish. In the moment she feels most alone, God sends His angel to her. He sends His comfort and instruction.

God saw her. He saw a woman grieving. He saw a heart aching with little relief. He saw a soul needing rest and peace.

As I mulled over this, I realized that although our pain and angst are the result of very different circumstances, we are very similar in how God sees us.

God sees me. He sees a woman grieving. He sees a heart aching with little relief. He sees my soul needing rest and peace.

In those moments, the God Hagar came to know as El Roi (The God Who Sees) reminded me that He is also the God who sees me. He sees my tears. He hears my silent prayers. He knows my anxieties. He knows me better than I know myself. He sees my past. He sees my present and He sees my future. He is in it all.

Just as He watches me, it is that much more important that I keep my eyes on Him. This world can be treacherous and Satan knows our weaknesses. He knows what keeps us up at night and he knows how to stir up worst case scenarios in our minds. He loves helping us jump to the “what ifs”. However, he is hindered when our eyes are on Christ. His foothold is broken.

“My eyes are ever on the Lord, for only He will release my feet from the snare.” Psalm 25:15

As I continue to work through the emotional wreckage, it is a comfort to know that He sees me. He will come to me. He will cover me with His wings.

“He will cover you with His feathers, and under His wings You will find refuge; His faithfulness will be Your shield and protection.” Psalm 91:4

Treading the Waves

How are you doing? This has become the most frequently, awkwardly asked question in my life. The questioning comes with sincerity. The awkwardness comes from an inward place. I struggle with how to respond. I am not one to sugar coat things and honesty has always been the best policy…but I know people want to hear that I’m fine. I know they want to hear that I’m doing okay.

 In a lot of ways I am.

I am remaining grateful. I am learning the meaning of true grace. I am sleeping at night. My appetite has returned. I do not cry all day, every day anymore.

So, in comparison, I am doing better.

And yet, in a lot of ways I am not.

I struggle with enjoying the good things in my life. I know His grace is what I need, especially during this time, but it is hard to accept. I sleep, but sometimes the dreams are haunting. My appetite has returned but I’m not caring for myself the way I was before…I’m way off track. I do not cry all day, but I cry most days.

 There is a lot of healing still ahead. The physical pain comes and goes these days. At times, normal tasks are still difficult and by the end of the day, I need an ice pack and/or ibuprofen.

 I’ve come along way though in almost 3 weeks. I’ve accepted that I need to embrace a new normal, and I will…it will just take time.

 Lately, when people ask how I’m doing, the most honest answer I can muster without going into detail that will make them regret asking is, “it comes in waves.” It is the best way to describe how life is right now. I remember my first trip to the ocean and my first experience in the waves. There were moments of fun and laughter as I jumped into each wave, feeling it rush past my body. Then, in a split second, I was knocked down…pulled down by the undertow as the waves washed over me. One moment I was happy, enjoying every second of sunshine and the next I was fighting for air.

Waves. It comes in waves.

As I’ve searched for solice in scripture, I’ve run across so many verses that have brought comfort. Some are typical of what one would cling to during difficult times, but then there are ones like this that just hit my heart.

“He alone stretches out the heavens and treads on the waves of the sea.”

Job 9:8

Job is describing God. He is the Creator. He made the heavens and placed the stars in the sky. But it was the second part of the verse that caught me. “[He] treads on the waves of the sea.” Those waves that held me captive for moments without air shift at His command. They cause Him no worry. As the waves of grief crash over me, He is fully aware. He treads those waves. He goes before me. He knows the pain I feel. He understands the angst that leaves me unsettled. He sees the waves before they hit. He knows they are coming and acts in mighty ways to help keep me afloat.

He prompts a friend to text or call. He designates days for cards of encouragement in the mail. He knows whose hugs I need. He orchestrates the perfect song on the radio.

 He treads the waves and does not allow me to stay under for long. The waves hit but He is quick to respond and pull me up and with each hit and recovery, I grow stronger.

By His might, I will stand my ground where hope can be found…

Linking up with Mommy Moments

You're Going to be Okay...A Bookshelf Reminder

Aside from work, I have been laying pretty low lately. My body is still recovering, and emotionally, being in groups is difficult right now. I struggle to accept the “nothing but love” that is showered upon me in the presence of large numbers. It’s overwhelming.

Over the last few days, I have been reminded of the importance of human interaction and establishing normalcy. I’ve had flashbacks to the darkest time in my life up to this point and I know the signs of depression. I also know interventions and positive steps towards not falling into such a despondent state. I learned during that time, while some quiet and solitude can be healthy, complete isolation is not. Trouble comes when you cannot bring yourself to do the things you used to love.

 This past week I forced myself to attend my infertility support group meeting. My co-leader led the meeting, which was greatly appreciated. We only had a couple ladies attend this month, but even that was a bit challenging for me from a social standpoint. This isn’t me. I don’t shy away from my ministry. I don’t avoid those that I love…but right now it is just so hard.

 On Friday, I attempted a little “me time.” My husband had the kids and I was completely on my own. Truth be told, I wanted to go home, crawl under the covers and go to sleep. It would be easier than trying to stop myself from crying in public. However, healing does not come through avoidance.

I decided to visit a bookstore. I sat in the car for a few minutes getting a game plan in mind. My friend from back home had recommended a book that she felt might help me through some of this season. I knew where the Christian book section was in the store and I did not figure I’d have to be in there long to find it. I got out of the car and made my way towards the entrance. I’m still a little slow in the going so thank you, sir, in the idling car who patiently waited for me to cross the walkway.

I entered the store and the tempting scent of coffee wafted around me. I almost opted for a cup but I was on a mission. I went straight to the section that would hopefully house the book I had come for. I began skimming the titles/authors in search of the book. I found the book and took a closer look. Something in me seemed to say that this was not what I needed “right now”. I said a silent prayer. I asked for direction because there was this nagging feeling…a feeling that there was something else I had come for. I became teary as I read through various titles, all seeming wrong. I felt like there was something I was supposed to see, but I just wasn’t seeing it.

I found myself alone in the isle. I was confronted with hundreds of titles, most containing promises of healing, ways to know the love of Jesus, etc. I stood there uncertain of exactly what I needed. In a brief, silent heart’s cry, I begged the Lord to let me know that I was going to be okay. I needed to know that I would make it through this and His purpose would be fulfilled through the circumstances.

I lifted my eyes and they immediately fell upon one title. It was a single copy pressed against the left hand side of the book shelf. Bright, distractingly colored copies of other titles beckoned for attention but my focus was on this one title…

You’re Going to Be Okay

I’ve labeled this experience as divine intervention. So many times over the last week and a half, God has revealed Himself in ways that could never lend themselves to just mere coincidence. God has proven Himself good. He has proven Himself gracious. He has provided. He has calmed and embraced me with His peace and here, once again, in a weary, tear stained moment, He responded.

My heart’s cry: Will I ever be okay? His response: You’re going to be okay.

 The Lord will guide you continually, giving you water when you are dry and restoring your strength.

Isaiah 58:11

I bought the book. I have since been diving into its print. It is filled with biblical truth and wisdom. The words jump from the page and straight to my heart. I believe, without a doubt, that this book was meant for me. It is a tangible way for God to reach me. I express myself best through the written word and likewise, I respond well to it.

This ordinary moment in time has made an extraordinary mark on my heart. God continues to respond to the cries of my heart. He continues to make His involvement known. While right now I do not know exactly how He’ll pull us all through this, I know undeniably that He will. His purpose will be fulfilled. His plan will be accomplished…and I will be okay.

 The Lord says, “I will guide you along the best pathway for your life. I will advise you and watch over you."

Psalm 32:8

*The book that I have been led to read is titled You’re Going to BeOkay: Encouraging Truth Your Heart Needs to Hear, Especially on the Hard Daysby Holley Gerth. I was in no way compensated for this post. Its mention was made on my own accord. However, from what I have read so far, whatever season, no matter how bright or dark, this book is a wonderful, timely read.

When God Uses the Unimaginable

There are terrible life experiences that we would deem unimaginable…unfathomable. We see them on the news, we read them in the paper, and we hear them spread around small towns. Sometimes we know the people. Sometimes we don’t. But what happens when it is you? What happens when you experience the unimaginable?

 I’m processing this very thing right now.

 When I accepted Christ at 7 years old, I knew I loved Jesus. When I recommitted my life at the age of 13 I was on fire for Jesus. I wanted God to use me in big ways to grow the Kingdom. This desire to reach others for Christ led me to being active in my church’s youth/college group, on mission trips, camp counseling and eventually youth ministry. I still get teary at the announcement of someone’s salvation and I often cry at baptisms. To see others recognize their need and love of the Lord overwhelms my heart.

 A while back I recognized that this fire had quieted some. I had become comfortable in my own little world, raising my kids, being a wife, and living out our plans as a family. We’ve kept Christ in our lives and we actively teach our children about His goodness. However, I realized that I was personally becoming a little lukewarm. I’d become very comfortable in letting others do Kingdom work that I could be doing. I asked God to draw me closer to Him. I asked Him to help me help others come to know Him.

“It is God who is at work in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure.”

Philippians 2:13

He has since responded and it has come through an unimaginable tragedy. The story is one that I  can’t emotionally share at this time but know that it has already etched itself into my testimony. Testimonies are meant to be shared and when the time is right, I’ll be able to do so. Until then, I will remain sifting through the pieces, the emotions and my purpose.

Many are the plans in a person's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails.

Proverbs 19:21

 For those who know of the situation, they, like myself, struggle to fathom how it has all come to be. I’ve stopped asking the “why” questions. I do not need those answers and most of the questions that I have posed up to this point have been answered through God’s divine intervention. As time continues on, I hear more and more about how God is using this devastation to further the Kingdom. Hearts are being won for Christ.  While I do not understand the why or what of it all, I do understand that God is using this for good. He is using the pain for His glory and people are being led to salvation. Eyes are being opened. Families are reconnecting. Prayer lives are being rekindled. Appreciation of others is extending. His grace is abounding. His peace is reaching realms beyond our understanding.

 So what do I do and what can I recommend you do when God allows the unimaginable to cause pain?

I suggest, as I am, that you allow Him to heal you.

He heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds.

Psalm 147:3

 The pain comes in waves, both physical and emotional. The ache for wholeness is sometimes overwhelming, but it means we are alive. It means our purpose has not been fulfilled. There is still something left for us to do. In my situation, this carries great weight. The extremes that God has used to reach others and change me often leaves me speechless…but only because I know that if He is willing to put me through this, He has something much greater in store. The devastation is not a result of a lack of love. It is not a result of anyone’s disobedience. It is a result of a fallen world and God’s desire to bring us back to Him. Do not stay angry. Do not disconnect. Hold tight to the Healer. Allow Him to embrace you when you ache. Allow your heart to pour out the words that your mouth cannot utter.

I lift my hands to you in prayer. I thirst for you as parched land thirsts for rain.

Psalm 143:6

 When we accept Christ that means we accept His purpose for us. We can never fully know what He has in store for us…how He’ll use us. It may not be in the way we’d wish it, but I know without a doubt that it will result in things far better than we could hope for. His will is perfect. His love for us is vast. His grace is sufficient.

 “…Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” 

Matthew 11:28-29

In those things, we must rest when we experience the unimaginable. Allow yourself to be held.

linking up with Mommy Moments

It's Come to This...

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In 2011 I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). It's a dirty diagnosis that could mean a vast variety of things with even more variations of symptoms. While there were many things I did not know about this syndrome, I was made aware that it may be the culprit behind our inability to become pregnant. After being told by my doctor that she couldn't do anything more for us other than refer us to an infertility specialist, we opted to get a second opinion.

I did some research and chose the doctor I would see. During this time, we prayed that we'd make the right choice in doctors and that we'd know the right choices thereafter when we'd come upon times to make decisions. God granted us immediate peace the moment I met with my new practice. The nurses were super knowledgeable about my condition, the doctors were wise, compassionate and empathetic. We were immediately put at ease. Blood work was ordered, meds were trial and error, failed attempts, promising signs and cycle monitoring were our lives.

Over time we battled our infertility,  not once, but twice, and fortunately, God gifted us two beautiful miracles. We count ourselves so blessed.

Through it all I couldn't help but question, "why us?" Over the course of the last year that reason has become more and more clear, and tonight will be yet another piece of this journey. My dear friend and I will begin an infertility support group and bible study. I am grateful for the few women who will be joining us and I am hoping that others will follow.

I now see that part of all the heartache, waiting and growth has brought me to this. I am amazed and humbled that God would call me from the ashes of such a difficult time in my life to share the beauty of His goodness and healing with others. I want to share the hope that can only come from Him. I want them to remember that He is bigger than any diagnosis. I want to provide comfort and encouragement to those whose hearts are riddled with questions and fears. I want them to have what I didn't.

Little did I know, even just a couple months ago, that all of that would come to this.

Linking up for Thoughts for Thursday

Baby N's Trip to the Emergency Department

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A mother's intuition is often a force too be reckoned and rarely disagreed with. I almost never forgo my gut instinct but of course, the one day I do, serious happens. Never again.

I noticed a couple days ago that N's right pectoral muscle seemed a bit hard and slightly larger than his left. We had this happen with G the week after her birth, not 5 weeks later, but even so, I did not read too much into it since with G, the condition was considered normal. It generallly occurs because of hormones passed on from the mother.

When I woke up with him on Friday morning I noticed he was more fussy than normal. He's typically a pretty chill baby. Nothing seemed to make him happy, he wasn't eating well and the swelling in his chest became concerning, especially since he had developed a couple new symptoms.

I was freaking out a little in my head and eagerly awaited my husband to get home from work. When he got home I called our pediatrician, and while she said it could be "normal", she thought it best to bring him in. I wanted to go but with my classroom unfinished and my sub plans needing to be complete, against my better judgment I took G to school to work while my husband took N to the doctor. Even on my drive to school I felt like I should have gone with them.

His appointment was at 10:30 and around 11 I got a call from my hubby. He didn't say anything other than the doctor wanted to talk to me. My heart sunk to my stomache. She proceeded to inform me that she was concerned that he had an infection. She thought it best to send him to the hospital for further testing since it could be potentially harmful. This would mean blood work, possibly a spinal tap and potentially a couple days in the hospital. I know she had to provide the possibilities but I was terrified of the unknown. Afterall, he's only 5 weeks old!

I immediately packed up my work, got G and headed down the hallway towards the exit. I felt prompted to stop in my friend's classroom. I asked her to pray with me over the situation. As she prayed I felt a peace come over me. The Lord was making His presence known.

I called G's baby sitter and made plans to drop her off on my way to the hospital. I dropped her off and quickly stopped at home to grab extra clothes in case he was admitted. As I tried to stop crying I kept praying for his health and wisdom for his doctors. In the midst of my tears and fear, I was led to this verse:

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It served as such a source of reassurance as I waited to hear updates. On my way to the hospital my husband let me know that they had taken blood and were prepping him for an ultrasound. It was killing me to not be there.

Upon arriving at the hospital, I could not get in touch with my husband to find out where I needed to go. I must have called his phone a dozen times. No answer. I finally made my way to the Emergency Department where I spoke with a hospital volunteer at the desk. I informed her that I was there to be with my infant son who had been brought in earlier. She called a nurse to ask if I could "visit" the patient. I kindly made it clear that I was not there to merely visit. I was his mother and needed to be with him. Shortly after I was escorted back to his room.

No one was in there but the relief of finally being there hit me hard. I just started crying (for the 20th time). A med student came and checked on me and did not seem confident in me when I told him that I really was ok. He gave me a brief update and eventually allowed me to just sit in peace. After what seemed like forever,  my husband and baby were wheeled back into the room. I immediately picked up my son and of course,  cried again.

We waited for a long while on the results. The doctors were surprised, but pleased to announce that his tests came back clear. He had NO sign of infection. He did have some inflammation but could not find an infectious cause. They eventually allowed us to be discharged with the understanding that we would need to maintain monitoring and follow up with our pediatrician.

We 100% attribute the good news to the Lord's healing. The doctors can't explain the lack of infection but we know that it is God's intervention and response to numerous prayers. Afterall, He is the Great Physician.

Linking up with Mommy Momments

When You're Not a Mom on Mother's Day

This quote popped up on my TimeHop app the other morning and as soon as I read it, I knew exactly why I had shared it.

The quote came during a time in our infertility struggle that I was losing hope, tired of the fight and could only hope, pray and dream that one day Mother's Day would hold a new meaning for me. Of course I celebrated my amazing mother. I would not be who I am without her...but as I sat in the church pew that Mother's Day morning, I could only think about how much my heart ached to be a mother. I was not envious of the flowers or cards. I was not jealous of the recognition. I was sad. My heart longed to know motherhood.

That Mother's Day came and went. I shed the same tears that I had shed the year before and I prayed desperately for the Lord to answer my prayers. To our unexpected joy and delight, He did answer that prayer later that year.

I'll never forget the moment I held our little girl for the first time. It was at that moment that I knew everyday would be Mother's Day. I would celebrate this joy forever. The Lord had heard my prayer and answered my request with a blessing beyond our dreams.

Mother's Day 2013

As I type this, I am currently 31 weeks pregnant with another miracle...another answer to prayer. We ran into similar issues in trying to conceive this sweet little boy and I cherish God's blessing. I rejoice in what He has done. As my heart rejoices over this little life that is growing inside of me and over the fiery redheaded little girl that calls me "Mommy", I cannot help but remember those years of longing and sadness...those years my heart felt so empty on Mother's Day.

For those of you who find yourselves feeling that same ache and feeling that same frustration, remember you are not alone. While you stare longingly at the little ones around you, remember that there is a special plan for your life. I had to be reminded of that daily. I also had to be reminded that God has great plans for the little lives that He brings into this world and that those lives will be conceived in the womb and delivered into the world at His appointed time for His miraculous purpose. While these truths are real and are meant to be reassuring, we won't always feel their comfort.

I say these things to encourage you to not lose hope. Open your heart to what God has for you and daily prepare yourself to accept His blessing when it comes. Be open to how He may bring children into your home. Our sweet little ones don't always come from our own wombs.

I say these things to also remind you that just because you are not a mom (yet) on Mother's Day does not make you any less of a woman. You were designed with a purpose and your story is far from over. It took me a long time to grasp that God was developing and furthering a part of my testimony that would later used to help others. I have since been able to share my battles of infertility and the hope that the Lord gives in the midst of the ache with others. I have seen God fill wombs that once were barren. I have cried and laughed with women who never thought joy could be found in such a painful plight.  I have seen true miracles occur and I have seen what faith can do.

May 2015
 

Mourn this Mother's Day if you must. It's okay, but please, please don't lose hope. Find a way to keep looking forward. Keep dreaming. Embrace the now while anticipating the future. Your miracle may be just a moment away...

 

Linking Up for Mommy Moments

Thoughts on Thursday

Where do you find your strength?

It's a question that has been posed to me by fellow bloggers, my devotional, and friends. There is a saying, "When the going gets tough, the tough get going." But where do they go? I can't speak for everyone, nor would I want to, but I think it's important to know where one's strength comes from so that when your hope is running low and your faith is temping luke warm, you'll know where to run. You'll know the reservoir in which to plunge.

Everyone has at least one battle they're facing. Some find comfort in sharing their struggles while others resort to dealing with things alone. A couple years ago my husband and I were facing the same battle that we are facing now...a long, undesired stay in the Land of Infertility. I promise not to bore you with our woes. Instead, I want to share with you the well from which we drink.

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Long ago, though at different ages and miles apart, my husband and I gave our lives to the Lord. We asked forgiveness for our sins and trusted the Lord with every aspect of our lives. As we grew in age and faith, our faith was tested, our dreams were realized, and our lives took unexpected directions along the way.

As I came closer to graduating high school I knew the course I was on. God had made things abundantly clear. Upon entering college various situations tested my faith, toyed with my anxiety, and made me question my choices. Did God once leave me to wander? No. While there were times it seemed as though He was absent or sitting silently, truth be told, He was waiting with open arms. Each time I came to Him with my fears, questions, or frustrations, He was there to guide me. These things led me to working at a Christian camp for 3 summers (where I met my amazing husband), a change in my college major, and a giant leap of faith that resulted in a big move.

When I sit back and look at my journey thus far, it becomes clearly evident that God's hand was in everything. It is still in everything. Even in our struggle with infertility.

It has rarely been easy to see the "sunny side" of things while dealing with the side effects of my medication. The countless pregnancy and birth announcements, while thrilling to my heart, also sadden it. Yet, never once has God not gone before me.

As we face this journey again, the time tables have been laid out before us. The "ifs" far out weigh the certainties. I've been thinking lately about how I can change this way of thinking. I'm trying to make a conscious effort to cling to what I know is certain.

I am certain that:
-God loves me
-God has the best for me
-I will face failure and trials
-I can't control circumstances but I can control my responses
-My life is filled with wonderful,  miraculous things
-I can contribute to the Kingdom
-I matter

While my heart still feels the ache, my stomach still sinks and my head tosses the past and future around constantly, I've also been continually reminded about God's goodness.

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Back to the Well. We here in the country generally rely on our wells to provide the water necessary for our everyday needs. It is a life line if you will. Take that literal image and go a step further. There is an account in the Bible of Jesus speaking to a woman at the city's well. There are many reasons why this was against reproach, but Jesus never shied away from tending to those who needed Him. This woman was no exception. At one point in their conversation He directs her to the Living Water that He offers. He offers Hope, Eternal Life, and a Promise for the future.

Jesus answered, “Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life.” John 4: 13-14

Read the full account in John 4.

This same Well is where my strength comes from. While there are times of desert and drought, my soul is forever quenched by the same Jesus who shared His love and wisdom with that woman so many centuries ago.

"The Lord will guide you always; He will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail." Isaiah 58:11

The Lord provides more than just scripture. As humans, we are tangible beings. He has provided me with a wonderful group of friends who, regardless if they understand our circumstances, pray for us. They send texts, emails, and cards at just the right time. I can't tell you how many times a random act of kindness has been just what I've needed to get over the hump of a tough day.

So when someone asks me where my strength comes from know that while I will have moments of weakness and I will shed tears of grief, I have hope. I find my strength in the Lord. He is my portion forever.

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Thanks for joining me for this week's Thoughts on Thursday. I hope you'll link-up with myself, Annie, Natalie and others. I look forward to seeing what's on your mind!

Go To What You Know

This week has held a lot of highs and lows for me on a personal level. In venting to my amazing (and I can't stress that enough) best bud, I was given some advice. I know she will be rolling her eyes because of her humble heart when I say this, but she is truly a source of reason and sensibility. I never face judgment and I always hear truth. Tonight's tidbit?  "Go to what you know..."

 

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Sitting here alone this evening, I've had a little bit of time to reflect on those five words. With what has been on my heart and mind these past few days, it just seems timely and completely appropriate that I focus on what I know as reminders to get me through these moments. This is not an exhaustive list but it is a place to start...It is my hope that you'll find encouragement, just as I have, through the power and truth of God's Holy Word.

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-His mercies are new. Whatever short comings I face today (and I admit this week has been filled with many mommy fails, wife fails, friend fails, etc.) His love and mercy endures. He finds me where I am and will not leave me there to wander.

Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,
    for his compassions never fail. They are new every

morning; great is your faithfulness.

Lam. 3:22-23

-This too shall pass. The things that I'm facing today, tomorrow, haunts from yesterday...all of them are fleeting. They are moments in my life that God can use to mold me. They are also moments that I can use to glorify God, build my testimony and deepen my faith.

For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long.  Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever.  So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen.  For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever.

2 Cor. 4:17-18

-There is victory. Regardless of disappointments, short comings, and the like, there is victory in Jesus.

But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.

1 Cor. 15:57

-I am blessed beyond measure, even when my heart hurts.

But blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord,
whose confidence is in him.
They will be like a tree planted by the water
that sends out its roots by the stream.
It does not fear when heat comes;
its leaves are always green.
It has no worries in a year of drought
and never fails to bear fruit.

Jer. 17:7-8

Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

Matt. 5:4

 

 

-His timing is perfect.

Delight yourself in the LORD and He will give you the desires of your heart.

Ps. 37:4

 

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Chasing Dreams

"Show me your ways, Lord,
    teach me your paths.
 Guide me in your truth and teach me,
    for you are God my Savior,
    and my hope is in you all day long." 

Psalm 25:4-5

God has been teaching me a lot through this verse lately. My sweet hubby and I have a lot of dreams before us and our prayers center around the Lord's will and what He would have for us. I've had a lot of "moments" lately where my perspectives have been challenged and in some instances, changed.

Earlier this week I was talking to my best friend about some of the things weighing on my heart. I told her that I really want to be in God's will and that I am doing my best to seek what He would have for us. In her infinite wisdom she told me that she "once heard that if we are following Him, then we are already in His will. We don't need to worry about figuring out if we are or aren't." Basically I am following Christ and by doing this, His plan will unfold before me through prayer and obedience. I've never thought about my walk with God that way. Maybe it's the church jargon but I've always thought that part of my job as a follower of Christ is to continually seek His will...but I've begun to realize that it's not necessarily His will I am to seek, but to wholeheartedly seek Him instead. By seeking and following after Him, His plan for my life will become evident, His will becomes my will and while I may not always have or gain understanding of His workings (Is. 55:9) I will be giving foundation to my hopes and dreams that are aligned with His plan.

It's no secret that my hubby and I want to add to our family. We've prayed about adoption in the past and have done so now. While we would like to do this in the future, we do not feel called at this time. We do, however, know that God has laid the desire for more children in our hearts. We welcome the beautiful mess that is parenthood.



A typical scene in G's playroom

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My PCOS journey has forced us to deal with matters of infertility, depression, strained relationships, and the testing of our faith. In December of last year I met with my doctor regarding my PCOS diagnosis. I had switched practitioners right before I found out I was pregnant with G, and since we have begun discussing future children, I thought it best to seek out her guidance. Can I just say I love my doctor?! She always has a plan. She always takes the time to answer my questions whether in the office or via email. She is always supportive, open and honest. I am in such good hands.

She ran a gamete of tests and determined that my testosterone levels were high. When this occurs, it causes other necessary hormones for pregnancy to be awry. Her first objective was to help level out those hormones. Then came the medication...again. Anyone who knows me knows that I hate taking medication, but one does what she must. She also recommended that I work on losing 5-10% of my body weight. This is supposed to help support balancing my hormones, potentially increase my fertility and eventually lead to a healthy pregnancy. It was at that point that my weight loss journey began.

I've since lost over 5% and I'm working my way towards that 10% goal. In the midst of losing weight it was noted that I was not ovulating sufficiently so I was put on Clomid to assist with ovulation. We're hoping that these efforts will result in a healthy pregnancy in the near future. All we can do is wait.

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Waiting is so HARD! There is nothing easy about it. To help with this during my first pregnancy I began a journal for our child. I wrote to our child often and once we found out her gender and decided on her name, the entries became that much more personal. I still write in that journal and I look forward to giving it to her one day. To help with this new time of waiting, I've begun a new journal in hope of filling the pages with letters, stories and memories for another child. Both of these journals contain not only sentiments but their designated life verses and names that we had/are considering.

The top journal is for G and the bottom is for our "yet to be" baby

We truly believe the Lord has wonderful things in store for our family and as we walk this road we are trying to not fall back into the feelings of anxiety, doubt and fear that we faced during our previous journey to baby. God continues to speak to my heart as I chase these dreams. I'm going after what I believe He has for us and I am doing my best to remain hopeful.

I'm continuing to learn a lot about prayer and coming boldly to His throne with my requests and praise. In Marla Alupoaicei's book study, Prayer Warrior Mom: Covering your kids with God's blessings and protection, she quotes a passage from Martin Collin's "Parable of the Persistent Friend."

God often answers us after long and preserving requests. He hears prayers and grants

blessings long after they appear to be unanswered or withheld. He does not promise to 

give blessings immediately. He promises only that He will do it according to His

will and plan. Although He promises to answer the prayer of the faithful, often He

requires us to wait a long time to try our faith. He may allow us to persevere for months

or years, until we are completely dependent on Him, until we see that there is no other

way to receive the blessing, and until we are prepared to receive it. Sometimes, we are not

ready to receive a blessing when we first ask...If what we ask for is good and accords with

God's will, He will give it at the best time possible. 

So in this time of waiting, I will continue to move forward with the things that I already have going, steps towards other dreams we have, and I will try not to focus or reflect too much on the pain of our past. While those painful moments have been an important part of getting us to where we are both in love and appreciation for the gifts we've been given, they also bring back an ache that is far too familiar and will only distract me from what lies ahead. I'd appreciate your prayers as we wait. 

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Run Baby Run!

I thought I'd go ahead and share the results of this weekend's 5k. This coming week is slammed and it is unlikely that I'll have time to fit it in otherwise.

My day began at 5:30 4:00a.m. when G decided she was ready to greet the morning. We eventually made our way downstairs and began collecting everything we'd need for the day. Today was a big day. It was an important day. G was participating in her first 5k ever and I was participating for a very special cause.

I made this onesie for G

It was not just the important purpose behind The Baby Run 5k (that you can revisit here) but I was participating in honor of a very special family, the Dennis Family. Please read their story. Their lives are living testaments of God's goodness even in the most bitter and pain drenched moments of life.

G and I headed out about 7:00a.m. We drove about an hour to the registration site. Upon arriving, we made our way to the registration table where we were greeted by some very enthusiastic volunteers.

Side note: This race was dreamed up and facilitated by a local high school group as their end of year service project. This service project also included a couple of car washes and some other events to raise money for the BRPC. I was so impressed by their organization and attention to detail. The course was mapped out perfectly and their enthusiasm was contagious.

As I sifted through my packet, I found some great information, a handmade prayer bracelet, and...a voucher for a free t-shirt!!! I had planned on purchasing a t-shirt at the event, but I ended up being one of a lucky few who won a free one.

After hanging out with some of the participants, the race began. This was the first time I have ever pushed G in a race...and it may quite possibly be my last. The course was SO HILLY! It was quite a struggle to make it up some of those hills pushing my one year old...fortunately, around the 1.5 mile marker, one of the teens caught up with me and we chatted for the remainder of the race. She definitely helped me keep my momentum.

We finally made it across the finish line, grabbed a banana and rested in the grass as they presented the awards. This was definitely my worst time (about 51 minutes) on any given course, but considering the constant elevation increases and pushing a toddler, I haven't been too down on myself. I at least finished. I had hoped to stay within the 30ish minute range but pushing the stroller definitely added a good 5-6 minutes per mile to my time.

After leaving the race, G and I headed to town to grab some breakfast. She entertained guests nearby as she insisted on using her fork to eat. After breakfast, we dropped by the Strawberry Festival at a local elementary school. We were both so tired that we didn't stay long.

We came home...and napped.

We then headed out to the elementary school closest to our home for their Backyard BBQ event. We grabbed dinner, talked it up with some friends, and then returned home to call it a night. We were both exhausted...in a good way. I cherished every moment of the Mom and Me kind of day.

Watching the big kids play

Soaking up what was left of the evening...