It’s never easy to accept or admit moments of weakness. I
think we as Christian women often hold ourselves to higher than necessary
expectations. We all feel we must “do it all”. I am a planner and when my plans
fail, I feel that failure as a mighty sting.
One of my biggest frustrations as of late is the whole house
issue. We bought land last September and our dreams of building our new home
seem so close and yet so far away. We initially had the plan to place our house
for sale at the beginning of April. Prior to that time, I was diagnosed with placenta previa and this limited my ability to do various things around the
house. There is painting, sanding, packing, etc. and I can only do so
much. You add this to our work schedules and third trimester pregnancy and well…progress
has slowed greatly.
We also had plans to move our boxed items to the place we
hoped to stay during the time our house is being built. This also recently fell through. It’s no longer available. Now we’re trying to figure out what to do next…
Plans. Good in theory it seems.
I’ve had a hard time trying to get excited about redoing our
daughter’s room into a gender friendly toddler room/nursery. I’ve dealt with so
much guilt over this because I was so pumped to complete our daughter’s nursery
prior to her birth. There are days when I just don’t know where to begin, what to
let go, and when to ask for help.
As always, despite my feelings and circumstances, God is
working. He has recently been pushing through this muck that I feel so stuck in
and He is helping me work my way into clear waters of redemption. Here is what
He’s helping me see thus far…
-It’s not just my circumstances that He is working on. I
know that the Lord is doing great things in our lives, but it’s not just my
life that he is orchestrating. I’ve been thinking of reasons why the house
timing keeps getting postponed. I believe God is helping our current home’s
future owners become prepared for our home’s sale. I believe He is allowing
more time for us to get done what we need to get done. I believe He has another
option for us when it comes to where we’ll live during our building process
(FYI-we can’t just rent anywhere because we have 4 dogs and 2 cats.)
-I need to be present now. Our little girl just turned 2 and
the fact that these last two years have gone by so quickly makes me realize the
importance of truly living in the moment. I’ll never get these days back. With
that in mind, it’s also important that I continue to savor the months of my
pregnancy. The reality of our infertility issues has meant that both of our
children are unlikely blessings. The Lord has proven that He is bigger than
these circumstances and has graced our lives with a beautiful little girl and
come this summer, we’ll have a darling little boy. The stress that I’ve had
over trying to get the house together and my guilt over the nursery has taken a
turn. I don’t feel as pressured to put a “For Sale” sign in our yard (although
I eagerly await the day) and I’m beginning to enjoy the nursery re-do. I’ve
actually determined a theme and color scheme.
-He will always provide. The month of April has hit our
budget in some hard, unexpected ways. I’ve not had a month this tight in a very
long time. It began with me missing an email from my student loan company
indicating that my graduated loan repayment was going up…$300+ more. That was a
heart stopper when I checked my account. Then, about a week and a half later
our German Shepherd came down with his seasonal skin condition. His skin develops
a type of yeast infection at least twice a year when the seasons change. There
is nothing we can do to prevent it. We just know that we’ll have to take him to
the vet, have him checked out and then give him medication for a couple of
weeks. However, to add to this, our sweet Maggie dog was unexplainably injured
(we still don’t know for sure how it happened) and her vet visit resulted in
sedation, stitches and antibiotics. Crazy. By the end of these two weeks we were
out about $1000. While the amount is still hard to stomach and my bank account
has not looked this sad in quite a while, the Lord has provided. I was still
able to plan and throw our daughter an adorable 2nd birthday, as
well as make our ends meet this month. I could not have done it without the
Lord’s provision and long-term planning (just one more reason why savings are
so important!)
-I am enough. I still struggle with this. I have felt like
such an epic failure lately and my frustration level has been maxed. I want to
be the best mom to my kid, the best wife to my husband, the best
teacher/employee and the best friend that anyone could have…but there is a
reality. I can never be the best. I can only do my best and this is where God’s
grace has really been evident. He is giving me grace in the moments of my inadequacy.
He has made me enough to be all of these things and all that is expected is for
me to be the best of these that I can be. I am learning how to not hold myself
to others’ standards and I’m learning to accept the unexpected.
If you find yourself dealing with similar feelings, join me
in hanging up preconceived ideas. Cling to God’s goodness and accept His grace.
Treasure the moments of the here and now. Embrace the things we can’t control
as stepping stones to something greater. There is a time for all things and His plan will always be better than our own.
