You're Going to be Okay...A Bookshelf Reminder

Aside from work, I have been laying pretty low lately. My body is still recovering, and emotionally, being in groups is difficult right now. I struggle to accept the “nothing but love” that is showered upon me in the presence of large numbers. It’s overwhelming.

Over the last few days, I have been reminded of the importance of human interaction and establishing normalcy. I’ve had flashbacks to the darkest time in my life up to this point and I know the signs of depression. I also know interventions and positive steps towards not falling into such a despondent state. I learned during that time, while some quiet and solitude can be healthy, complete isolation is not. Trouble comes when you cannot bring yourself to do the things you used to love.

 This past week I forced myself to attend my infertility support group meeting. My co-leader led the meeting, which was greatly appreciated. We only had a couple ladies attend this month, but even that was a bit challenging for me from a social standpoint. This isn’t me. I don’t shy away from my ministry. I don’t avoid those that I love…but right now it is just so hard.

 On Friday, I attempted a little “me time.” My husband had the kids and I was completely on my own. Truth be told, I wanted to go home, crawl under the covers and go to sleep. It would be easier than trying to stop myself from crying in public. However, healing does not come through avoidance.

I decided to visit a bookstore. I sat in the car for a few minutes getting a game plan in mind. My friend from back home had recommended a book that she felt might help me through some of this season. I knew where the Christian book section was in the store and I did not figure I’d have to be in there long to find it. I got out of the car and made my way towards the entrance. I’m still a little slow in the going so thank you, sir, in the idling car who patiently waited for me to cross the walkway.

I entered the store and the tempting scent of coffee wafted around me. I almost opted for a cup but I was on a mission. I went straight to the section that would hopefully house the book I had come for. I began skimming the titles/authors in search of the book. I found the book and took a closer look. Something in me seemed to say that this was not what I needed “right now”. I said a silent prayer. I asked for direction because there was this nagging feeling…a feeling that there was something else I had come for. I became teary as I read through various titles, all seeming wrong. I felt like there was something I was supposed to see, but I just wasn’t seeing it.

I found myself alone in the isle. I was confronted with hundreds of titles, most containing promises of healing, ways to know the love of Jesus, etc. I stood there uncertain of exactly what I needed. In a brief, silent heart’s cry, I begged the Lord to let me know that I was going to be okay. I needed to know that I would make it through this and His purpose would be fulfilled through the circumstances.

I lifted my eyes and they immediately fell upon one title. It was a single copy pressed against the left hand side of the book shelf. Bright, distractingly colored copies of other titles beckoned for attention but my focus was on this one title…

You’re Going to Be Okay

I’ve labeled this experience as divine intervention. So many times over the last week and a half, God has revealed Himself in ways that could never lend themselves to just mere coincidence. God has proven Himself good. He has proven Himself gracious. He has provided. He has calmed and embraced me with His peace and here, once again, in a weary, tear stained moment, He responded.

My heart’s cry: Will I ever be okay? His response: You’re going to be okay.

 The Lord will guide you continually, giving you water when you are dry and restoring your strength.

Isaiah 58:11

I bought the book. I have since been diving into its print. It is filled with biblical truth and wisdom. The words jump from the page and straight to my heart. I believe, without a doubt, that this book was meant for me. It is a tangible way for God to reach me. I express myself best through the written word and likewise, I respond well to it.

This ordinary moment in time has made an extraordinary mark on my heart. God continues to respond to the cries of my heart. He continues to make His involvement known. While right now I do not know exactly how He’ll pull us all through this, I know undeniably that He will. His purpose will be fulfilled. His plan will be accomplished…and I will be okay.

 The Lord says, “I will guide you along the best pathway for your life. I will advise you and watch over you."

Psalm 32:8

*The book that I have been led to read is titled You’re Going to BeOkay: Encouraging Truth Your Heart Needs to Hear, Especially on the Hard Daysby Holley Gerth. I was in no way compensated for this post. Its mention was made on my own accord. However, from what I have read so far, whatever season, no matter how bright or dark, this book is a wonderful, timely read.

When God Uses the Unimaginable

There are terrible life experiences that we would deem unimaginable…unfathomable. We see them on the news, we read them in the paper, and we hear them spread around small towns. Sometimes we know the people. Sometimes we don’t. But what happens when it is you? What happens when you experience the unimaginable?

 I’m processing this very thing right now.

 When I accepted Christ at 7 years old, I knew I loved Jesus. When I recommitted my life at the age of 13 I was on fire for Jesus. I wanted God to use me in big ways to grow the Kingdom. This desire to reach others for Christ led me to being active in my church’s youth/college group, on mission trips, camp counseling and eventually youth ministry. I still get teary at the announcement of someone’s salvation and I often cry at baptisms. To see others recognize their need and love of the Lord overwhelms my heart.

 A while back I recognized that this fire had quieted some. I had become comfortable in my own little world, raising my kids, being a wife, and living out our plans as a family. We’ve kept Christ in our lives and we actively teach our children about His goodness. However, I realized that I was personally becoming a little lukewarm. I’d become very comfortable in letting others do Kingdom work that I could be doing. I asked God to draw me closer to Him. I asked Him to help me help others come to know Him.

“It is God who is at work in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure.”

Philippians 2:13

He has since responded and it has come through an unimaginable tragedy. The story is one that I  can’t emotionally share at this time but know that it has already etched itself into my testimony. Testimonies are meant to be shared and when the time is right, I’ll be able to do so. Until then, I will remain sifting through the pieces, the emotions and my purpose.

Many are the plans in a person's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails.

Proverbs 19:21

 For those who know of the situation, they, like myself, struggle to fathom how it has all come to be. I’ve stopped asking the “why” questions. I do not need those answers and most of the questions that I have posed up to this point have been answered through God’s divine intervention. As time continues on, I hear more and more about how God is using this devastation to further the Kingdom. Hearts are being won for Christ.  While I do not understand the why or what of it all, I do understand that God is using this for good. He is using the pain for His glory and people are being led to salvation. Eyes are being opened. Families are reconnecting. Prayer lives are being rekindled. Appreciation of others is extending. His grace is abounding. His peace is reaching realms beyond our understanding.

 So what do I do and what can I recommend you do when God allows the unimaginable to cause pain?

I suggest, as I am, that you allow Him to heal you.

He heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds.

Psalm 147:3

 The pain comes in waves, both physical and emotional. The ache for wholeness is sometimes overwhelming, but it means we are alive. It means our purpose has not been fulfilled. There is still something left for us to do. In my situation, this carries great weight. The extremes that God has used to reach others and change me often leaves me speechless…but only because I know that if He is willing to put me through this, He has something much greater in store. The devastation is not a result of a lack of love. It is not a result of anyone’s disobedience. It is a result of a fallen world and God’s desire to bring us back to Him. Do not stay angry. Do not disconnect. Hold tight to the Healer. Allow Him to embrace you when you ache. Allow your heart to pour out the words that your mouth cannot utter.

I lift my hands to you in prayer. I thirst for you as parched land thirsts for rain.

Psalm 143:6

 When we accept Christ that means we accept His purpose for us. We can never fully know what He has in store for us…how He’ll use us. It may not be in the way we’d wish it, but I know without a doubt that it will result in things far better than we could hope for. His will is perfect. His love for us is vast. His grace is sufficient.

 “…Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” 

Matthew 11:28-29

In those things, we must rest when we experience the unimaginable. Allow yourself to be held.

linking up with Mommy Moments

What's Bigger Than My Diagnosis?

I was thrilled when Caroline shared her Infertility link-up with me. It's been a week of advocating and spreading the word on infertility...also known as life and/or National Infertility Awareness Week! I was even more excited when she said that she was hoping those of us that have seen the other side of infertility would contribute. I truly believe it is essential that women see that there is another side...a side of hope...to this life altering diagnosis.

My husband and I were extremely cautious early in our marriage. We did not want to bring children into our family until we were "ready" or "the time was right". I set an alarm for my birth control (even on my honeymoon) to ensure that we would not experience any "surprises". The joke was on us. After 3 years of marriage we decided we'd go ahead and start adding to our family. Our natural efforts were not successful and I sought answers to my questions from my gynecologist. She eventually diagnosed me with PCOS and put me on Metformin. I was never given an explanation for her decisions, but she was my doctor. Why would I question her?

After months of additional negative pregnancy tests, she said she wanted to put me on Clomid. Once again, no blood work, ultrasounds or explanations. She said if that did not work then she would not be able to assist us further and would refer us to a specialist. She said it may just be an issue of not being able to have children.

::tears::

Confusion.

Anger.

Bitterness.

My husband and I prayed about our next step and we decided to forgo meeting again with my doctor and seek out a second opinion. We were led to the doctors at University Physicians for Women at Northridge. I went with this practice for a variety of reasons. The majority of the doctors were well versed in my PCOS diagnosis, they delivered at the hospital I had hoped to give birth in (someday), and they had direct access to highly respected infertility specialists. Upon our first visit, I knew in my heart that we had made the right choice. I was immediately put at ease by the expertise of the nurse and then by my doctor. She took me off the Metformin after receiving my blood work (she drew a full blood panel) and discovering that at the time, there was no immediate reason for me to be taking it. Upon further testing, we discovered that my testosterone was higher than normal and may be contributing to my inability to conceive. I was then put back on the meds, but with an actual reason for doing such this time.

I tracked my cycles and after more blood work, it appeared that my body would try to gear up to ovulate but could not follow through. I was heartbroken. If I wasn't ovulating then there would not be an egg waiting to be fertilized. At that point, my husband and I prayed for wisdom as to how far we would should go in our efforts to conceive. We decided that if medication was not enough, then we'd stop and try to fill our home with a child another way. We were at peace with this decision. We spoke with our doctor about our options and she completely respected our decision. From there, she came at us with a Plan A and then a Plan B if that did not work. I was thrilled to have answers and a plan.

After several months, we were still not pregnant. This medication is only permitted for a certain amount of cycles (this varies depending on the doctor) and we were two cycles away from ending the meds. My blood work initially showed that my body was gearing up but still no follow through. She upped my dosage. I then had a good ovulatory cycle, but no pregnancy. With each passing month, my heart grew more heavy. Finally...our miracle occurred.

In August 2012, we became pregnant with what would result in our beautiful baby girl.

During our first infertility journey, I can now look back to realize that I was dealing with depression. That time in my life was so dark. It was so sad. I felt broken and so alone. I had wrapped my worth up in my inability to have children and I had allowed Satan to feed my heart lies that I began to believe. Only through the grace of God did I overcome the darkness.

When we decided to try for another child, I began charting my cycles again and realized my body was back to its old ways. We discussed this with our doctor and there was no wait time. She immediately started us on the same protocol that we did the last time. Our son's conception beat the odds in terms of science due to previous and additional complications.

I've learned not to compare my story with anyone else's. It's hard...so hard...not to. Some women get pregnant by sneezing (or so it would seem) and then others face it for years without any success. Our story is not as detailed as others or the journey as long as some, but that does not make our story any less important. It has become a part of our testimony.

Our story proves that our God is bigger than any diagnosis. My hope was and is bigger than my diagnosis. I no longer allow my worth to be defined by my "broken parts". I don't know what our future holds, but I know He is good.

Without Him, we would not have our children. Our children were prayed for, longed for, and miraculous in so many ways.

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My heart continues to grieve with those who face the uncertainties of infertility. I still bear scars and old feelings still surface. My journey and spiritual growth have led me to answer God's call to begin a faith based infertility support group. We have been meeting since November and it is slowly growing. My heart is so full when I am able to share our story and the stories of others. I have the privilege of reminding these women that they are loved by our God in the midst of their circumstances and that despite what is going on, He truly has their best interests at heart. I know that I had lost sight of that during my struggle.

My husband and I hope that our story can serve as hope for those who are still going through the deep waters.

Linking up for Mommy Moments

It's Come to This...

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In 2011 I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). It's a dirty diagnosis that could mean a vast variety of things with even more variations of symptoms. While there were many things I did not know about this syndrome, I was made aware that it may be the culprit behind our inability to become pregnant. After being told by my doctor that she couldn't do anything more for us other than refer us to an infertility specialist, we opted to get a second opinion.

I did some research and chose the doctor I would see. During this time, we prayed that we'd make the right choice in doctors and that we'd know the right choices thereafter when we'd come upon times to make decisions. God granted us immediate peace the moment I met with my new practice. The nurses were super knowledgeable about my condition, the doctors were wise, compassionate and empathetic. We were immediately put at ease. Blood work was ordered, meds were trial and error, failed attempts, promising signs and cycle monitoring were our lives.

Over time we battled our infertility,  not once, but twice, and fortunately, God gifted us two beautiful miracles. We count ourselves so blessed.

Through it all I couldn't help but question, "why us?" Over the course of the last year that reason has become more and more clear, and tonight will be yet another piece of this journey. My dear friend and I will begin an infertility support group and bible study. I am grateful for the few women who will be joining us and I am hoping that others will follow.

I now see that part of all the heartache, waiting and growth has brought me to this. I am amazed and humbled that God would call me from the ashes of such a difficult time in my life to share the beauty of His goodness and healing with others. I want to share the hope that can only come from Him. I want them to remember that He is bigger than any diagnosis. I want to provide comfort and encouragement to those whose hearts are riddled with questions and fears. I want them to have what I didn't.

Little did I know, even just a couple months ago, that all of that would come to this.

Linking up for Thoughts for Thursday

When You're Not a Mom on Mother's Day

This quote popped up on my TimeHop app the other morning and as soon as I read it, I knew exactly why I had shared it.

The quote came during a time in our infertility struggle that I was losing hope, tired of the fight and could only hope, pray and dream that one day Mother's Day would hold a new meaning for me. Of course I celebrated my amazing mother. I would not be who I am without her...but as I sat in the church pew that Mother's Day morning, I could only think about how much my heart ached to be a mother. I was not envious of the flowers or cards. I was not jealous of the recognition. I was sad. My heart longed to know motherhood.

That Mother's Day came and went. I shed the same tears that I had shed the year before and I prayed desperately for the Lord to answer my prayers. To our unexpected joy and delight, He did answer that prayer later that year.

I'll never forget the moment I held our little girl for the first time. It was at that moment that I knew everyday would be Mother's Day. I would celebrate this joy forever. The Lord had heard my prayer and answered my request with a blessing beyond our dreams.

Mother's Day 2013

As I type this, I am currently 31 weeks pregnant with another miracle...another answer to prayer. We ran into similar issues in trying to conceive this sweet little boy and I cherish God's blessing. I rejoice in what He has done. As my heart rejoices over this little life that is growing inside of me and over the fiery redheaded little girl that calls me "Mommy", I cannot help but remember those years of longing and sadness...those years my heart felt so empty on Mother's Day.

For those of you who find yourselves feeling that same ache and feeling that same frustration, remember you are not alone. While you stare longingly at the little ones around you, remember that there is a special plan for your life. I had to be reminded of that daily. I also had to be reminded that God has great plans for the little lives that He brings into this world and that those lives will be conceived in the womb and delivered into the world at His appointed time for His miraculous purpose. While these truths are real and are meant to be reassuring, we won't always feel their comfort.

I say these things to encourage you to not lose hope. Open your heart to what God has for you and daily prepare yourself to accept His blessing when it comes. Be open to how He may bring children into your home. Our sweet little ones don't always come from our own wombs.

I say these things to also remind you that just because you are not a mom (yet) on Mother's Day does not make you any less of a woman. You were designed with a purpose and your story is far from over. It took me a long time to grasp that God was developing and furthering a part of my testimony that would later used to help others. I have since been able to share my battles of infertility and the hope that the Lord gives in the midst of the ache with others. I have seen God fill wombs that once were barren. I have cried and laughed with women who never thought joy could be found in such a painful plight.  I have seen true miracles occur and I have seen what faith can do.

May 2015
 

Mourn this Mother's Day if you must. It's okay, but please, please don't lose hope. Find a way to keep looking forward. Keep dreaming. Embrace the now while anticipating the future. Your miracle may be just a moment away...

 

Linking Up for Mommy Moments

Bump to Birth: The Back Story

I knew I wanted to blog about our journey with infertility and I wanted to serve as a source of hope for those who continue to struggle with its life altering effects. I wish I had been blogging in the years leading up to the conception and birth of our daughter, but alas, my blog began when she was born and I decided to fill some of my maternity leave with documenting memories for our family and friends. Since then, I've been sharing my thoughts and life events.

Many assumed that because we (finally) were able to conceive our daughter that we'd have no problem trying to get pregnant again. A lot people may still not be aware of all that we went through to conceive our precious gem. We unfortunately, and fortunately, had the same issues and challenges in trying to conceive Baby #2. You can read about our struggle here and my thoughts on various infertility hurdles here.

When we began TTC our next child, we chose a life verse to pray while we waited and throughout the remainder of our child's life. We chose a life verse for our daughter and I was led to another verse to pray for this child. Job 5:9 became my prayer as we eagerly awaited the Lord to fulfill our dreams of adding to our family. Little did we know that this verse would completely encompass everything regarding this baby. I look forward to sharing more about that with you in the days to come.


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We began this second journey knowing that my lack of ovulation, lengthy cycles and skewed hormone levels would once again pose problems. We tried for a bit on our own but in tracking my cycles, it was evident that the issues were still prevalent. I began Metformin to help level things out (no, I don't have diabetes). We were hopeful that it would help achieve enough balance that I could conceive without anything further.

Months went by with no success or cycle regulation. I was put on Clomid to help me ovulate.  After several cycles of no success (and did I mention I had already lost about 20lbs to help move things along?) we were told we had one more round and, if not successful,  we'd have to try a more invasive approach. My hubby and I had long prayed about what we should do and we felt that adoption would be our next step.  We weren't comfortable with any further treatments, nor could we afford most of them since all things infertility are not covered by insurance.

October was a crazy month.  We had a lot riding on this round of meds. Of course, on the day I got my positive ovulation test I also came down with a random YI. I just knew we were out. My pH levels were out of whack and his swimmers didn't stand a chance. There was also no clear thermal shift on my chart to indicate ovulation had even occurred. I allowed myself to be sad and then moved on.

I had been feeling off and slightly nauseous the week of October 27th. I knew we were out but I had a couple of cheap test strips and thought I'd use one for kicks. On the 30th I tested and there was a VERY faint line. It was so faint that I thought I was probably just seeing things. The next day I woke up hopeful for some reason and picked up a pregnancy test on my way to work. When I got there I tested.  I could not believe my eyes! Science would say this was a very unlikely situation...but my God is bigger than any of this and He made it possible.

So, it is with great joy that I say we are currently expecting our newest miracle in July and I'll be using my Bump to Birth posts to document the milestones and memories of this pregnancy. With that being said, if you are dealing with infertility and such updates are difficult for you (because I totally understand that exact thing) please feel free to bypass posts under this heading.

I'll soon be catching up on our progress thus far. Until then, I leave you with this thought...

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Linking Up

An Act of Kindness

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December 19th will be marked as one of our most difficult days to date.  I'm not at a point of sharing the "why" yet and with the joy I have in my heart from some of the events of today, I can't focus on those other things right now anyway. (I know you're curious and one day I'm sure I'll share...)

As for those good things...my hubby and I got to spend some much needed quality time together. After a long morning we opted to grab lunch at IHOP. Who doesn't love pancakes?! Side note: The Caramel Bon Bon pancakes are amazing! And no, I was not compensated to say that.

We enjoyed a yummy lunch and then gathered our things to leave. While waiting in line to pay, I stepped to the side, leaving more room for other customers since my hubby was going to pay. I saw a lady begin talking to him. I heard her ask if he worked for the fire department (he had on one of his firefighter hats.) He shared with her his career and volunteer firefighter positions. I saw her hug him and then thank him for what he does. I then saw my husband shaking his head, telling the lady no about something and then he eventually walked over to me...she insisted on paying for our meal! This precious,  blessed soul paid for our meal without any hesitation.  She told him that at one point this deed had been done for her and she wanted to pass the kindness along and that she wanted to do something to thank him for his service.

I cried.

I wanted to run and hug her and thank her for her act of unexpected kindness. This might have freaked her out so...

Instead I prayed prayers of blessings over this sweet woman and her family. My hubby and I are still humbled and can't wait to pass this bit of joy along.

How can you spread a little more kindness in the days to come?

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Thoughts for Thursday

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I had something completely different prepared for today, but last night my heart was led in another direction. I was reading through the end of One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp and I suddenly had to pause as my eyes soaked in this verse...

"I will bless you...and you will be a blessing."

Genesis 12:2 (emphasis mine)

Today I'll be saying goodbye to my sweet summer and begin the tasks of a teacher once again. This summer has been filled with odds and ends, both family and work related, and while there were some long days, these last couple of months have gone by in the blink of an eye. Suddenly the fact that life is truly but a vapor made a solid connection with my heart. I got to thinking (which isn't that what Thoughts for Thursday is all about?) about the immeasurable blessings that I have received, not just over the last couple of months, but years, and then daily. Every day I am blessed to an incomprehensible degree.  

Just take a look...

A best friend who'll run after my dreams with me...

I get to be married to the man who truly is my best friend, the love of my life and a dream come true.

A little red haired, blue eyed itty bitty to call my own.

A beautiful family

Generations of strength and support

A God-art sky

A job I love!

Of course there is not enough screen space in the world to capture all that I'd love to share. I can't overlook my amazing church family or the other friends that we hold so closely to our hearts. These things don't even scratch the surface.

In One Thousand Gifts she goes into detail as to how we are given all blessings in order to be blessings for others. We are to empty ourselves in order to fill others...and yet, in doing so with the love of Christ, we will never feel depleted. God continually restores us...even in the midst of wait and heartache. He willingly fills our lives so that we can then pour out His love to others. Every act of service is testament to God's goodness in our lives. The joy found in our service to others can be found in simple tasks...even the things we do without thinking such as wiping a snotty nose, washing dishes, opening a door for another, bringing a meal to a shut-in...the list is endless. There are numerous ways everyday that we can pour ourselves into others. While not everyone will appreciate our service, God takes note. It pleases Him to see His children "spread the love."

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We're only given today and we have ample opportunities to make the most out of what may seem the mundane. I challenge you, along with myself, to selflessly pour yourself out. Bring your reservations to the feet of Jesus and take advantage of the opportunities presented to you to bring some goodness into the life of someone else. Make it a family affair. Teach your children the truth behind less is more and the joy that comes from giving. Change starts here. How will you be a blessing today?

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Linking up with Annie and Natalie for this week's Thoughts on Thursday.



50 Shades of Gray...Paint

The other day my husband and I were enjoying a rare quiet moment while G napped across the hall. We were discussing some of the "half done" and "need to do" projects in the house. To my surprise, he suggested that we repaint our bedroom. Our bedroom is currently painted in Dutch Boy's Coal Blue. He picked out the color and I've enjoyed it over the last 6 years.

 

We discussed different colors for both the walls and trim. We both really liked the idea of gray walls with white trim. Easy enough right? Wrong. There are oodles of shades to choose from! Some grays have a green or brown undertone while some seem to have a hint of blue. While I was out this week I picked up a few samples. I've starred some of my favorites...now to see what the hubby chooses. I'm sure we'll find a nice compromise.

 

 

I've also been scoping out Pinterest and I have pinned a few ideas to my Fixer Upper board. We've settled on a gray and navy color combo. I love the idea of a plain navy comforter.

 

 

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I'm still sifting through fabrics for curtains. I look forward to making our room into a sanctuary. It will be nice to have things fresh and new. For so long it has been a catch all and with limited storage space we've not had any true organization. It's time for change.

 

I know we're crazy for adding yet another project to our never ending list of home improvements and renovations, but we look at it this way...everything we do now will only increase our home's value and make it that much more pleasant to live in while we're here.

 

Any renovations or improvements on your to-do list?

 



Monthly Weight Loss with Pictures

I cannot believe the month of May is almost gone! I've entered into my last week of school and with that comes even longer days, less family time, mounds of paper work and overly rambunctious children. We'll have the student Field Day, First Grade Fun Day, the Spring Awards program, Fifth Grade Graduation parade...and I know I'm forgetting something(s). Now is also the time of year when people begin making comments about how teachers get the summer off, it must be nice not to work, etc. Trust me. It only looks that way on our contracts and, while I can only speak for myself and fellow co-workers, the summer is filled with prep work for the upcoming school year. Our work is never done and it always manages to come home with us to some degree. I'll stop there and save this soapbox for another time.

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For now, I'd like to share with you this month's progress. We've been dealing with a few things personally and in the midst of trying to find ways to make our dreams reality and finish up half started projects around the house, I've been trying to make some weight loss progress. Stress levels have been a little higher this month (which good things can be stressful too) and our mornings, days and nights have been filled with things that keep us busy. I've not been able to work out like I'd hoped but I've tried to maintain at least some type of activity almost every day.

I had also gotten down on myself over not meeting my 20lb goal. I was really struggling with the plateau that I had hit. I had to do something. I wanted to reach that goal!

I had gotten out of the habit of "honestly" tracking my food. I might put in a few things each day but I had stopped entering in everything I was eating. I am still amazed at how quickly I lost sight of healthy eating. My snacking had also become an issue. Instead of keeping healthy options on hand I went for quick, high calorie grabs. I refocused my attention to healthy choices. Here are some examples:

It all boils down to poor eating choices this month. These past two weeks I've really tried to get back on track.

To build some momentum, I've decided to throw in some mini goals for June. This could be a little tricky with some traveling that we have in our plans, but I'm determined.

In June I will...

1. Make SMART snacking choices

Satisfying-it fulfills the craving and tames the hints of hunger
Managable-it can easily go with me and/or doesn't require a lot of preparation
Appetizing-it tastes good (duh!)
Right size-caloric intake is worth the serving size/portion control
Thrifty-on sale or inexpensive

2.At least 30 minutes of exercise 5 days a week

3. Create a motivation collage. I had one of these in college and it really helped my motivation to see some of my goals and words of encouragement each day. I had mine hanging on the refrigerator.

Now that I've got my goals before me, it's time to take a look at the numbers from this past month. I've lost another inch in my waist (that's a total of 2 inches since I began tracking March)...and since December 2013...drum roll please...

 

I feel like I'm finally starting to see a difference, not just feel it.

 

While the numbers are always exciting, it is also important to identify some of the non-scale victories that I've also accomplished.

-I completed a 5k with my daughter (you can catch all of the fun here!)

-My bra size is smaller (don't tell my hubby)
-I need a belt for almost every pair of pants I wear
-A couple pairs of my pants literally fall off as I walk or climb the stairs. I've put those to rest, hoping to never go back to them.
-I'm fitting into clothes that I couldn't even wear pre-baby...some of which are now almost too big!

With this month's weight loss, I've reached my 20lbs goal...and this means I get to splurge on a goody! When I began this journey, I created a Weight Loss Goals board on Pinterest to keep me encouraged. I'm so excited about purchasing this water bottle. I would not typically spend this type of money on a water bottle, but that's what makes it special right? I really want to dive into a dozen donut holes, but a water bottle will be much more beneficial. Here is the water bottle I'll be enjoying in the very near future!

Tervis Whimsical Owl Water Bottle

If you struggle with your weight, you are not alone. I had to change a lot of my weight loss perceptions and set realistic goals. I've had to rely on my own inner strength, the encouragement of others and the power of my God to push through. I am almost to my 30lb weight loss goal. It can be done. I've had to look at it this way...I'm losing weight to get healthy, not skinny. As I become healthier I add quality to my life and that is more important than the size of pants I wear. Every pound counts. Every exercise minute matters. I am worth it!

 

::via::

 

Monthly Weight Loss with Pictures

A month filled with multiple birthdays and Easter celebrations has the potential to do a number on one's weight-loss. While I know I should have been more cautious and said "no" more often than not, the damage has been done. Praise God for a new day...a new month.

::via::

As you'll soon see, I don't have much in the way of weight-loss to celebrate this month, so instead, I'm focusing on the non-scale victories.

::via::

Here are some of my non-scale victories thus far:

-pants are looser

-I can wear clothing that I wasn't even able to wear pre-pregnancy

-my rings are looser

-2 inches total off of my waist

::via::



The month of May is already filling up. The end of the school year is drawing near and with that comes assessments, multiple check lists, and farewells. I was out on maternity leave this time last year...lucky me. It's funny how quickly I've forgotten all that comes with this time of year. However, as I prepare to send my precious first graders onto second grade, I also look forward to what the summer will hold.

We have multiple home-based projects and hopefully a mini-vacation or two. I'm also looking for ways to keep motivated as the hot weather settles in over the next couple of months. My hubby and I are planning to go visit my mom and sister in Georgia in June. We've found a couple of 5ks that we are interested in. We may just add one of those to our to-do list while we're down there. If this does not fall into place, I'll begin looking for a couple for this fall.

I'm also continuing to focus on losing inches. This month was not what I had hoped for in the way of weight-loss, which I take complete responsibility for. However, I did lose a little and I also lost .5 more inches in my waist. That totals 2 inches!

My biggest victory this month however is this...I really struggle with self-confidence (no, this is not my victory ha ha...I thought I'd give a bit of a backstory). I have a huge list of insecurities that influence a lot of areas in my life. I gained a little bit of myself back this week (okay...here it comes!) I bought a little black dress about 3 years ago. I wore it once for my birthday that year. I was working hard at losing weight and I was determined to wear that dress. I did. I have not worn it since. It has been hanging silently in the back of my closet just aching to be worn. I was cleaning out my closet this weekend and pulled it out. I looked at it longingly, wishing so badly to be able to wear something that I could feel good in. I decided to try it on to see just how far I had to go...and to my surprise...it fit!!! It fit better than I remember it fitting 3 years ago! I didn't want to take it off! I am currently working on a special date night that will allow me to doll myself up, put on some heels and wear this dress. I apologize for sounding so superficial, but this was a huge deal for me! While I'm still a ways off from wanting to splurge on a new wardrobe, I do have a non-scale victory that has given me some much needed motivation.

My "little black dress"

With all of this in mind, I am still working towards the weight-loss goals I've set for myself. I'm also eagerly trying to cross off more of the items on my 30 before 30 list. One of those items is to lose 30lbs and I'm getting there...Here are the numbers for April...

You can check out the rest of my weight loss journey here.

Silent Moments

You know those moments...those God moments? The kind that hit you in the silence and yet seem so loud when His presence touches your heart? I love those moments. I cherish those moments. I need those moments. There are times in my life like the present when my relationship with Christ seems a bit more quiet than at other times. While I know He's there, I feel distant.

I know I'm to blame because He is always there. Though I may not hear Him, He is speaking and listening to my heart. While I may feel alone in my thoughts, He is aware of every. single. one. Last night the house was still. The baby was sleeping peacefully across the hall and my husband was gone on a fire call. It was just me in the silence.

While getting ready for bed, I felt prompted to pick up my old Bible. My mom gave me this Bible in 2000...hard to believe it's 14 years old. The cover was slightly dusty, but it felt just like I remembered. Suddenly, all of the anxiety and past emotions that have been rising to the surface this week were stilled. I just sat there...in the silence. A couple of books from the New Testament were falling out from years of use and the pages were filled with underlines, highlighter, notes in the margins and post-it notes. I was reminded of all of the joy and tears that I had poured over those pages. I remembered the moments of peace that the underline passages provided at just the right time.

In those few moments I felt so at peace despite the angst that I've been carrying. I felt God's presence fill the room. In those silent moments I was reminded that even though my heart battles the past and hopes for the future, He has given me the present. I decided to open that Bible and focus on the first thing my eyes ran across. The book fell open to Proverbs 19:21.

 

Many plans occupy the mind of a man, but the Lord's purposes will prevail.

So very timely. I sat and stared at the words on the page. I let them soak into my soul, swirl into my mind, and take root in my heart. While I still cling to things hoped for, I am learning to let go. My life is a continuous example of what God can do with a life. His work is woven throughout my life's story. His protection, His guidance, His goodness...all of those things and more weave the thread that holds this imperfect person together.

I eagerly seek more silent moments. It's often in those moments that He speaks the loudest.

Monthly Weight Loss with Pictures

It's time for an update, so in lieu of my typical Five on Friday, I'll be sharing my current weight loss progress.

My weight loss journey continues...and with each day, I face new challenges. There are days I fight the exercise. There are days I just want to make excuses. And yet everyday, whether I want to acknowledge it or not, is an opportunity for me to better myself and the lives of others. I can't just sit back and expect change to happen...

 

 

Over the past month I've had several "ah ha" moments, which to many of you may seem more like "duh" moments, but nonetheless, I've laid claim to some new understandings.

 

 

Food is Fuel...It's Meant to Make Me Function, Not Fat. While most of you are nodding your head and thinking, how could she not know this, let me clarify. It is not a matter of not knowing, it is a matter of knowing, accepting, and applying. I've done the WW program in the past, and while I love the idea and for many it works, it never worked for me because I didn't have a firm grasp on "better eating." I accepted my point allowance and my splurge day. I counted my points, tracked my exercise minutes and thought that was enough. They were my points. I could eat what I wanted. That was the beauty of the program right? Wrong. Eating foods high in fat, calories and/or sugar just pack on the pounds. It doesn't matter that I had 20 points and ate a dozen doughnuts as long as I was in my point range...silly me. I now have a different food mantra. Food is Fuel. I enjoy the occasional donut or cupcake, but these are not my go to foods. While I enjoy a snack or two, I make better choices. I've figured out more ways to make food work for me, not against me. Need an idea on how to get started? Take a look at Foods that Turn to Fat to get some perspective. I'm not doing a "diet plan" this go-around. Instead I'm making lifestyle changes in the way I eat, cook and exercise.

 

 

Movement is a Must. I am becoming more accepting of exercise as a pro instead of a con. There are days when work has just exhausted me and by the time I make dinner, bathe the baby and get her to bed, fold some laundry and get things ready for the next day, I really struggle to muster up the will to exercise. The treadmill seems to mock me. My workout DVDs don't mind if they collect dust on the shelf...and yet just like anything else, if change is going to occur, movement must be made. An advancement, a forward motion, progression...whatever your terminology, a physical and mental shift must happen. I ran across this simple Activity Pyramid. It's a great example of how to incorporate activity and how often.

 



  

Okay, now that I've bored inspired shared with you my revelations, it's time to reveal this month's numbers and picture...I always get a bit nervous putting this out there but the amount of support, encouragement, and accountability are well worth it.

 

From December 29, 2013 to March 28, 2014 I am down another .5 inches in my waist and I have lost...

 

 

 
 
 
 

March 2014

As April unfolds, there are many exciting things ahead. This month we'll celebrate my last birthday in my twenties (eek!), my daughter's first birthday, her first Easter, the death and Resurrection of my Savior, my first 5k in almost 3 years, and several other itty bitty birthdays. It will be a full month of wonderful celebrations. As I look forward to these things, I'm also reminded that all of these festivities generally incorporate excellent food and sedentary activities. I have already begun mentally preparing myself for these occasions and I'm working on ways to find a balance that won't undo all that I've done and won't impede my progress.

 

Thanks for all of the encouragement. I hope to make more progress as the months pass on.