"Show me your ways, Lord,
teach me your paths.
Guide me in your truth and teach me,
for you are God my Savior,
and my hope is in you all day long."
teach me your paths.
Guide me in your truth and teach me,
for you are God my Savior,
and my hope is in you all day long."
God has been teaching me a lot through this verse lately. My sweet hubby and I have a lot of dreams before us and our prayers center around the Lord's will and what He would have for us. I've had a lot of "moments" lately where my perspectives have been challenged and in some instances, changed.
Earlier this week I was talking to my best friend about some of the things weighing on my heart. I told her that I really want to be in God's will and that I am doing my best to seek what He would have for us. In her infinite wisdom she told me that she "once heard that if we are following Him, then we are already in His will. We don't need to worry about figuring out if we are or aren't." Basically I am following Christ and by doing this, His plan will unfold before me through prayer and obedience. I've never thought about my walk with God that way. Maybe it's the church jargon but I've always thought that part of my job as a follower of Christ is to continually seek His will...but I've begun to realize that it's not necessarily His will I am to seek, but to wholeheartedly seek Him instead. By seeking and following after Him, His plan for my life will become evident, His will becomes my will and while I may not always have or gain understanding of His workings (Is. 55:9) I will be giving foundation to my hopes and dreams that are aligned with His plan.
It's no secret that my hubby and I want to add to our family. We've prayed about adoption in the past and have done so now. While we would like to do this in the future, we do not feel called at this time. We do, however, know that God has laid the desire for more children in our hearts. We welcome the beautiful mess that is parenthood.
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| A typical scene in G's playroom |
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My PCOS journey has forced us to deal with matters of infertility, depression, strained relationships, and the testing of our faith. In December of last year I met with my doctor regarding my PCOS diagnosis. I had switched practitioners right before I found out I was pregnant with G, and since we have begun discussing future children, I thought it best to seek out her guidance. Can I just say I love my doctor?! She always has a plan. She always takes the time to answer my questions whether in the office or via email. She is always supportive, open and honest. I am in such good hands.
She ran a gamete of tests and determined that my testosterone levels were high. When this occurs, it causes other necessary hormones for pregnancy to be awry. Her first objective was to help level out those hormones. Then came the medication...again. Anyone who knows me knows that I hate taking medication, but one does what she must. She also recommended that I work on losing 5-10% of my body weight. This is supposed to help support balancing my hormones, potentially increase my fertility and eventually lead to a healthy pregnancy. It was at that point that my weight loss journey began.
I've since lost over 5% and I'm working my way towards that 10% goal. In the midst of losing weight it was noted that I was not ovulating sufficiently so I was put on Clomid to assist with ovulation. We're hoping that these efforts will result in a healthy pregnancy in the near future. All we can do is wait.
Waiting is so HARD! There is nothing easy about it. To help with this during my first pregnancy I began a journal for our child. I wrote to our child often and once we found out her gender and decided on her name, the entries became that much more personal. I still write in that journal and I look forward to giving it to her one day. To help with this new time of waiting, I've begun a new journal in hope of filling the pages with letters, stories and memories for another child. Both of these journals contain not only sentiments but their designated life verses and names that we had/are considering.
She ran a gamete of tests and determined that my testosterone levels were high. When this occurs, it causes other necessary hormones for pregnancy to be awry. Her first objective was to help level out those hormones. Then came the medication...again. Anyone who knows me knows that I hate taking medication, but one does what she must. She also recommended that I work on losing 5-10% of my body weight. This is supposed to help support balancing my hormones, potentially increase my fertility and eventually lead to a healthy pregnancy. It was at that point that my weight loss journey began.
I've since lost over 5% and I'm working my way towards that 10% goal. In the midst of losing weight it was noted that I was not ovulating sufficiently so I was put on Clomid to assist with ovulation. We're hoping that these efforts will result in a healthy pregnancy in the near future. All we can do is wait.
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| ::via:: |
Waiting is so HARD! There is nothing easy about it. To help with this during my first pregnancy I began a journal for our child. I wrote to our child often and once we found out her gender and decided on her name, the entries became that much more personal. I still write in that journal and I look forward to giving it to her one day. To help with this new time of waiting, I've begun a new journal in hope of filling the pages with letters, stories and memories for another child. Both of these journals contain not only sentiments but their designated life verses and names that we had/are considering.
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| The top journal is for G and the bottom is for our "yet to be" baby |
We truly believe the Lord has wonderful things in store for our family and as we walk this road we are trying to not fall back into the feelings of anxiety, doubt and fear that we faced during our previous journey to baby. God continues to speak to my heart as I chase these dreams. I'm going after what I believe He has for us and I am doing my best to remain hopeful.
I'm continuing to learn a lot about prayer and coming boldly to His throne with my requests and praise. In Marla Alupoaicei's book study, Prayer Warrior Mom: Covering your kids with God's blessings and protection, she quotes a passage from Martin Collin's "Parable of the Persistent Friend."
God often answers us after long and preserving requests. He hears prayers and grants
blessings long after they appear to be unanswered or withheld. He does not promise to
give blessings immediately. He promises only that He will do it according to His
will and plan. Although He promises to answer the prayer of the faithful, often He
requires us to wait a long time to try our faith. He may allow us to persevere for months
or years, until we are completely dependent on Him, until we see that there is no other
way to receive the blessing, and until we are prepared to receive it. Sometimes, we are not
ready to receive a blessing when we first ask...If what we ask for is good and accords with
God's will, He will give it at the best time possible.
So in this time of waiting, I will continue to move forward with the things that I already have going, steps towards other dreams we have, and I will try not to focus or reflect too much on the pain of our past. While those painful moments have been an important part of getting us to where we are both in love and appreciation for the gifts we've been given, they also bring back an ache that is far too familiar and will only distract me from what lies ahead. I'd appreciate your prayers as we wait.
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