Made With Love

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The last few months have had us inconsistently attending church. We've had a variety of sicknesses that we've had to deal with G, my morning sickness, bed rest, travel, etc. I think we're all out of the woods for now (except for my moderate bed rest) and we're ready to get back to some normalcy. It was wonderful to praise and worship with my church family yesterday.

Our pastor began a new series in Genesis. The book of Genesis opens with God creating the world. There were moments in his sermon that I became very overcome with emotion. I attribute it to the pregnancy hormones and the Spirit moving...God was speaking to my heart. Our pastor spoke on the reason behind God's creation. He made us to have a relationship with us. He fashioned us to enjoy this world, to connect with Him, and to share His love with others. There were moments when I just sat in awe of how the God who created the universe and all that I ever have and will know, is the same God who loves me and created me for a purpose.

He went on to talk about how God took so much care to make everything. That includes us. He knit us together in His image. I became teary as I reflected on this truth. Not only did He make me with love, but our daughter...she is one of the most precious gifts He's given us up to this point. And while in my biased opinion I deem her perfect, in reality, she was perfectly knitted together by her Creator. He designed our daughter with tender loving care, placed her in my womb and then in our arms. The sentiments continued as I hugged my growing belly. The sweet babe that I now carry continues to be knitted together with just as much love. I just imagine God taking His hands and forming this child. I imagine Him instructing every part to grow and I can almost see the smile on His face as this babe wiggles around.

It's humbling. It's humbling to think that I was chosen to carry these children and to bring them into this world. Our pastor touched on the fact that God initially made this world and saw that it was good. Of course sin entered the world and has since destroyed much of what was once good...but we can still look around and see God's goodness. I see it on the face of my daughter and in the faces of my first grade students. I see it in the way my husband loves and cares for us. I see it in the way we are ceaselessly provided for. I see it in the sunrise and the fiery sunsets. It would take forever to list the ways in which God's goodness is still alive and well in this world.

I look at my daughter and think of this new babe. I think of the promise that they hold. God has placed them into existence for an amazing purpose, and while it can become overwhelming at times to think about the responsibility that it entails for us as their parents, I remain in awe of how God uses us and will eventually use them to grow His Kingdom.

All of this brings me to one overall thought. We were made with love. We were fashioned with great things in mind. We all contain talents and skills that only we can use to make change in the lives of others. Today...challenge yourself to use (and maybe discover) your talents and skills to touch others' lives. Also today, and everyday, remember you are loved no matter what the world tries to tell you. Instill this message into your children.

Mommy Moments Link Up

It's Time to Share

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Two years ago this past Wednesday remains a very special day for my husband and I. It was the day our lives changed forever and our hearts’ cries were answered. It was the day I got my first BFP! (For those of you not familiar with the lingo that stands for a Big Fat Positive on a pregnancy test.) It was a time in our lives we’ll cherish forever.

Celebrating our BFP in August 2012

Now that we are on the TTC journey once again, I long for that same moment of initial disbelief. Every month that passes and does not result in fulfilling our dream for another child brings back the emotions that continue to haunt me. Doubt. Fear. Anxiety. Guilt. These painful feelings often make me feel less and alone.

This time around I’ve been doing things a bit differently to handle the emotions and thoughts that tend to come with repeated failure. 

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1. I’m talking. When we went through our first attempt at conceiving I did not tell anyone. When I realized our dreams may not come true I found it even more difficult to talk about our struggles. I battled depression silently. Relationships were negatively impacted and my faith became luke warm. This time I’ve come to realize the importance of talking about our struggles with infertility and that there is no shame in what we’re going through.

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People are surprised that we are struggling with infertility since we “already have a child”. What they fail to realize or maybe just don’t know, is that infertility doesn’t just “go away.” I don’t ovulate on my own despite weight loss and a change in eating habits and exercise. I have to rely on medication to help but this medication is only allowed for a few cycles due to its stress on the reproductive system. People also think that I should just be content with what we have. I do not ever want to sound ungrateful. I am so unbelievably blessed to be the mother to our daughter. She came to us after a very long time of trial and error, tears and heartache. 

She is not just my daughter. She is proof of God’s continued goodness and response to prayer. She is a miracle. 

I try not to feel guilty (although I have in the recent past) for wanting another when there are some who may never get the opportunity. I know how blessed I am. However, the desire to grow our family weighs heavily on both of our hearts (my hubby longs to add to our family as well) and we truly believe that God would not place such a passion in our hearts if He did not have plans to fulfill them. So please…don’t tell us to just be content with what we have. Also please don't tell us to "just adopt." It's not that simple...My hubby and I are very open to adoption and just like last time, we continue to pray about this option but do not feel led at this time to pursue this route. 

It’s so important for me to be able to be open about infertility. It is a real medical issue that is expensive, often requires life style changes, medication, and sometimes results in surgical and/or other invasive medical procedures…and yet, unlike diabetes or cancer, most insurances in most states do not cover anything related directly to infertility. I need to talk about this. I need to advocate. I need to let others know they are not alone.


2. This brings me to the next thing I’ve changed this go around. I’m reaching out. I’m learning what is available to me and what may or may not be beneficial. I changed medical professionals so that I was getting better care and I’m regularly trying to connect with others dealing with infertility. It doesn’t matter if you’ve been trying for 6 months or 6 years, every negative test and failed attempt breaks yet another piece of you. Ironically, it's been through this experience that I've found out just how strong I can be...

 

As a Christian, I sincerely believe God has a plan for my life and that His timing is perfect. I also believe however that due to sin’s presence in this world, there are things that we will face that require extra assistance. Infertility is one of those things. I’ve learned so much and have found a growing amount of support from connecting with others who are also facing infertility. 

 

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3. Getting in the Word. When we were TTC our daughter, my faith really fell into a dark, mediocre place. I prayed continually until I didn’t feel like I even knew what to say any more. There were times when I felt like my prayers were bouncing off the floor of Heaven. Was God really listening? The answer to that is yes. His love for me is woven through this journey we’ve been on and He will continue to rain down His love and grace on us as we carry on.

I’m in the beginning stages of starting a new Bible Study. I am SO EXCITED! God has brought some amazing women in my life and together we are going to start this journey in the Word. We can’t make it through all that infertility throws at us without a foundation in scripture. This is probably the most important aspect of my healing and motivation to continue hoping even when every part of me is tired of doing so. I need those precious reminders of His love and I need His words to rebuke the lies that Satan repeatedly tries to impress upon my heart and mind.

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I write all of this to say that I’ve also felt led to do a little blog series on Infertility Hurdles. Such topics will include (but not limited to) infertility’s impact on relationships, the physical, emotional and mental strain, and self-care. I hope you’ll join me as I begin this outreach opportunity. I am not an expert and can only provide insight from my perspective, experience and research. I don't pretend to know everything about the struggle. My journey is my own just as yours is to you. However, if anything I've experienced can make just one person feel encouraged than I've used the pain for good. It is a part of my testimony.

If you are struggling with infertility, please feel free to contact me. I truly feel God has brought me through something that I can no longer dismiss, especially since we are facing it once again. Don’t fight this alone. Get mad. Allow yourself to cry…but don’t lose hope.

Thoughts for Thursday

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I had something completely different prepared for today, but last night my heart was led in another direction. I was reading through the end of One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp and I suddenly had to pause as my eyes soaked in this verse...

"I will bless you...and you will be a blessing."

Genesis 12:2 (emphasis mine)

Today I'll be saying goodbye to my sweet summer and begin the tasks of a teacher once again. This summer has been filled with odds and ends, both family and work related, and while there were some long days, these last couple of months have gone by in the blink of an eye. Suddenly the fact that life is truly but a vapor made a solid connection with my heart. I got to thinking (which isn't that what Thoughts for Thursday is all about?) about the immeasurable blessings that I have received, not just over the last couple of months, but years, and then daily. Every day I am blessed to an incomprehensible degree.  

Just take a look...

A best friend who'll run after my dreams with me...

I get to be married to the man who truly is my best friend, the love of my life and a dream come true.

A little red haired, blue eyed itty bitty to call my own.

A beautiful family

Generations of strength and support

A God-art sky

A job I love!

Of course there is not enough screen space in the world to capture all that I'd love to share. I can't overlook my amazing church family or the other friends that we hold so closely to our hearts. These things don't even scratch the surface.

In One Thousand Gifts she goes into detail as to how we are given all blessings in order to be blessings for others. We are to empty ourselves in order to fill others...and yet, in doing so with the love of Christ, we will never feel depleted. God continually restores us...even in the midst of wait and heartache. He willingly fills our lives so that we can then pour out His love to others. Every act of service is testament to God's goodness in our lives. The joy found in our service to others can be found in simple tasks...even the things we do without thinking such as wiping a snotty nose, washing dishes, opening a door for another, bringing a meal to a shut-in...the list is endless. There are numerous ways everyday that we can pour ourselves into others. While not everyone will appreciate our service, God takes note. It pleases Him to see His children "spread the love."

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We're only given today and we have ample opportunities to make the most out of what may seem the mundane. I challenge you, along with myself, to selflessly pour yourself out. Bring your reservations to the feet of Jesus and take advantage of the opportunities presented to you to bring some goodness into the life of someone else. Make it a family affair. Teach your children the truth behind less is more and the joy that comes from giving. Change starts here. How will you be a blessing today?

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Linking up with Annie and Natalie for this week's Thoughts on Thursday.



Go To What You Know

This week has held a lot of highs and lows for me on a personal level. In venting to my amazing (and I can't stress that enough) best bud, I was given some advice. I know she will be rolling her eyes because of her humble heart when I say this, but she is truly a source of reason and sensibility. I never face judgment and I always hear truth. Tonight's tidbit?  "Go to what you know..."

 

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Sitting here alone this evening, I've had a little bit of time to reflect on those five words. With what has been on my heart and mind these past few days, it just seems timely and completely appropriate that I focus on what I know as reminders to get me through these moments. This is not an exhaustive list but it is a place to start...It is my hope that you'll find encouragement, just as I have, through the power and truth of God's Holy Word.

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-His mercies are new. Whatever short comings I face today (and I admit this week has been filled with many mommy fails, wife fails, friend fails, etc.) His love and mercy endures. He finds me where I am and will not leave me there to wander.

Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,
    for his compassions never fail. They are new every

morning; great is your faithfulness.

Lam. 3:22-23

-This too shall pass. The things that I'm facing today, tomorrow, haunts from yesterday...all of them are fleeting. They are moments in my life that God can use to mold me. They are also moments that I can use to glorify God, build my testimony and deepen my faith.

For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long.  Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever.  So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen.  For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever.

2 Cor. 4:17-18

-There is victory. Regardless of disappointments, short comings, and the like, there is victory in Jesus.

But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.

1 Cor. 15:57

-I am blessed beyond measure, even when my heart hurts.

But blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord,
whose confidence is in him.
They will be like a tree planted by the water
that sends out its roots by the stream.
It does not fear when heat comes;
its leaves are always green.
It has no worries in a year of drought
and never fails to bear fruit.

Jer. 17:7-8

Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

Matt. 5:4

 

 

-His timing is perfect.

Delight yourself in the LORD and He will give you the desires of your heart.

Ps. 37:4

 

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Chasing Dreams

"Show me your ways, Lord,
    teach me your paths.
 Guide me in your truth and teach me,
    for you are God my Savior,
    and my hope is in you all day long." 

Psalm 25:4-5

God has been teaching me a lot through this verse lately. My sweet hubby and I have a lot of dreams before us and our prayers center around the Lord's will and what He would have for us. I've had a lot of "moments" lately where my perspectives have been challenged and in some instances, changed.

Earlier this week I was talking to my best friend about some of the things weighing on my heart. I told her that I really want to be in God's will and that I am doing my best to seek what He would have for us. In her infinite wisdom she told me that she "once heard that if we are following Him, then we are already in His will. We don't need to worry about figuring out if we are or aren't." Basically I am following Christ and by doing this, His plan will unfold before me through prayer and obedience. I've never thought about my walk with God that way. Maybe it's the church jargon but I've always thought that part of my job as a follower of Christ is to continually seek His will...but I've begun to realize that it's not necessarily His will I am to seek, but to wholeheartedly seek Him instead. By seeking and following after Him, His plan for my life will become evident, His will becomes my will and while I may not always have or gain understanding of His workings (Is. 55:9) I will be giving foundation to my hopes and dreams that are aligned with His plan.

It's no secret that my hubby and I want to add to our family. We've prayed about adoption in the past and have done so now. While we would like to do this in the future, we do not feel called at this time. We do, however, know that God has laid the desire for more children in our hearts. We welcome the beautiful mess that is parenthood.



A typical scene in G's playroom

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My PCOS journey has forced us to deal with matters of infertility, depression, strained relationships, and the testing of our faith. In December of last year I met with my doctor regarding my PCOS diagnosis. I had switched practitioners right before I found out I was pregnant with G, and since we have begun discussing future children, I thought it best to seek out her guidance. Can I just say I love my doctor?! She always has a plan. She always takes the time to answer my questions whether in the office or via email. She is always supportive, open and honest. I am in such good hands.

She ran a gamete of tests and determined that my testosterone levels were high. When this occurs, it causes other necessary hormones for pregnancy to be awry. Her first objective was to help level out those hormones. Then came the medication...again. Anyone who knows me knows that I hate taking medication, but one does what she must. She also recommended that I work on losing 5-10% of my body weight. This is supposed to help support balancing my hormones, potentially increase my fertility and eventually lead to a healthy pregnancy. It was at that point that my weight loss journey began.

I've since lost over 5% and I'm working my way towards that 10% goal. In the midst of losing weight it was noted that I was not ovulating sufficiently so I was put on Clomid to assist with ovulation. We're hoping that these efforts will result in a healthy pregnancy in the near future. All we can do is wait.

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Waiting is so HARD! There is nothing easy about it. To help with this during my first pregnancy I began a journal for our child. I wrote to our child often and once we found out her gender and decided on her name, the entries became that much more personal. I still write in that journal and I look forward to giving it to her one day. To help with this new time of waiting, I've begun a new journal in hope of filling the pages with letters, stories and memories for another child. Both of these journals contain not only sentiments but their designated life verses and names that we had/are considering.

The top journal is for G and the bottom is for our "yet to be" baby

We truly believe the Lord has wonderful things in store for our family and as we walk this road we are trying to not fall back into the feelings of anxiety, doubt and fear that we faced during our previous journey to baby. God continues to speak to my heart as I chase these dreams. I'm going after what I believe He has for us and I am doing my best to remain hopeful.

I'm continuing to learn a lot about prayer and coming boldly to His throne with my requests and praise. In Marla Alupoaicei's book study, Prayer Warrior Mom: Covering your kids with God's blessings and protection, she quotes a passage from Martin Collin's "Parable of the Persistent Friend."

God often answers us after long and preserving requests. He hears prayers and grants

blessings long after they appear to be unanswered or withheld. He does not promise to 

give blessings immediately. He promises only that He will do it according to His

will and plan. Although He promises to answer the prayer of the faithful, often He

requires us to wait a long time to try our faith. He may allow us to persevere for months

or years, until we are completely dependent on Him, until we see that there is no other

way to receive the blessing, and until we are prepared to receive it. Sometimes, we are not

ready to receive a blessing when we first ask...If what we ask for is good and accords with

God's will, He will give it at the best time possible. 

So in this time of waiting, I will continue to move forward with the things that I already have going, steps towards other dreams we have, and I will try not to focus or reflect too much on the pain of our past. While those painful moments have been an important part of getting us to where we are both in love and appreciation for the gifts we've been given, they also bring back an ache that is far too familiar and will only distract me from what lies ahead. I'd appreciate your prayers as we wait. 

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Silent Moments

You know those moments...those God moments? The kind that hit you in the silence and yet seem so loud when His presence touches your heart? I love those moments. I cherish those moments. I need those moments. There are times in my life like the present when my relationship with Christ seems a bit more quiet than at other times. While I know He's there, I feel distant.

I know I'm to blame because He is always there. Though I may not hear Him, He is speaking and listening to my heart. While I may feel alone in my thoughts, He is aware of every. single. one. Last night the house was still. The baby was sleeping peacefully across the hall and my husband was gone on a fire call. It was just me in the silence.

While getting ready for bed, I felt prompted to pick up my old Bible. My mom gave me this Bible in 2000...hard to believe it's 14 years old. The cover was slightly dusty, but it felt just like I remembered. Suddenly, all of the anxiety and past emotions that have been rising to the surface this week were stilled. I just sat there...in the silence. A couple of books from the New Testament were falling out from years of use and the pages were filled with underlines, highlighter, notes in the margins and post-it notes. I was reminded of all of the joy and tears that I had poured over those pages. I remembered the moments of peace that the underline passages provided at just the right time.

In those few moments I felt so at peace despite the angst that I've been carrying. I felt God's presence fill the room. In those silent moments I was reminded that even though my heart battles the past and hopes for the future, He has given me the present. I decided to open that Bible and focus on the first thing my eyes ran across. The book fell open to Proverbs 19:21.

 

Many plans occupy the mind of a man, but the Lord's purposes will prevail.

So very timely. I sat and stared at the words on the page. I let them soak into my soul, swirl into my mind, and take root in my heart. While I still cling to things hoped for, I am learning to let go. My life is a continuous example of what God can do with a life. His work is woven throughout my life's story. His protection, His guidance, His goodness...all of those things and more weave the thread that holds this imperfect person together.

I eagerly seek more silent moments. It's often in those moments that He speaks the loudest.

Liking the Hard to Love

This week has brought about a roller coaster of emotions. Between looking back on "what would have been" and looking forward to "what could be", my heart and mind have been on overload. You add to that the fact that the crazies have come out of the wood work this week, I'm done. Praise the Lord it is the weekend.

With all of the criticism, bad attitudes and hurtful words that I've experienced this week, I've had to do a "check up from the neck up" as my Sunday School teacher would say. It would be so easy to fall into bitterness and bite back...but such does not please the heart of my God. Instead, I've had to step back and remember a few simple truths...

These people were put in my life for a reason. Whether I like it or not, God has ordained our connections. He knew I would encounter these people and he knew these times would come. Because of this, I've had to both hold back and move forward. The truth is, either they or I are meant to learn something from all of this.

 

 

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Words hurt. I do my best to remain truthful but tactful. Others do not. I'm always amazed at how hurtful and hateful some people can be. This week I've been floored by some of the words that have alluded to personal opinions of me. This has taken its toll on me. I abide by the "do unto others" and sometimes it is hard to treat others the way I know the Lord expects me to treat them. It's times like this that I am so grateful for those who truly know me, love me, and give encouragement when it's needed.

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I am called to love everyone...that doesn't mean I like them. While this may sound a bit contradictory, I stand by it. I am called to love everyone, and I do my best to love them where they are. God forgives me moment by moment and loves me in spite of my flaws. It is only right that I do the same. Does that mean He likes everything I do? No. This rings true in my own life. I've had to remind myself almost daily this week that I am meant to love these people, though they hurt or offend. That does not mean I have to like their actions, attitudes, or remarks.

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Cling to the good. My God is good. My husband is good. My daughter is good. There are so many wonderful things in my life that can be easily overshadowed if I don't keep myself in check. Thanks to mercy and grace, each morning I wake up is a new day to make big and small contributions towards the Kingdom. Despite the week it has been, I am reminded that my God is enough. He will sustain me through these tough times. I will count it all joy.

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Raising Royalty

From an early age I was taught that I was a "princess". Not in the "wear a crown and have your own way" sense, but in the Princess of the King sense.

"The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children. Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ..."

Romans 8:16-17a

 

It didn't sink in until I was older what that meant. It means that I am cherished and beautiful and priceless in the eyes of my Savior. He made me with purpose. He desires that I glorify Him in all that I do and that I love others into the Kingdom. Just as any princess, I have a great task before me, none of which I go about alone. Just as the King reigns His Kingdom, so does He reign my heart.

 

"Hanki Doll"

These truths have been at the forefront of my mind since last week. I received a pretty package in the mail (I do love brown paper packages tied up with strings...or in this case, a pink bow.) I opened the box to reveal its contents. Inside I found an adorable little hat, a beautiful gift for G and a card that still brings tears to my eyes.

 

G wearing her new hat

These precious gifts were sent to us by our dear friend, Kelly. Our friendship began the summer of 2004. I answered God's call to work at a Christian camp tucked in the Blue Ridge mountains of Virginia. At the time, Kelly and her husband were part of the management staff of the camp. I adored Kelly's up beat personality and her love for the Lord was contagious. She shared many God given gifts and talents with me over that summer, but the most important one that she shared was that of her daughter, Sarah Ann. Talk about a beautiful little girl. She had "God's Masterpiece" written all over her. To look at her sparsely toothed grin and her glittery eyes, you'd think she was just like any other little one. Unfortunately, Sarah Ann was battling cancer. At just 10 months old she was diagnosed and spent the next year battling the earthly fight. I watched through pictures as she grew bigger and more beautiful, but weaker as the months went by.

 

In January 2005, I received the call saying that Sarah Ann had gone Home. A beautiful princess went to be with her King. I remember answering the phone, but could not tell you who called. I remember sitting in the living room chair and crying, grateful that her fight had ended but devastated over her family's loss. The tears were, and still are bittersweet. I remain in awe at how such a little life could touch the world in so many ways. Her legacy lives on through her family as they continue to use their testimonies that were furthered by her life.

 

She also left her mark on us. C and I knew she was the one we wanted to be our flower girl, and when the time to nail down details for the wedding came to pass, we knew that there was not a one that we would rather have in her place. We decided not to have a flower girl, but instead honor her memory on our wedding day. That picture still remains framed and sits prominently on our bookshelf next to one of our favorite pictures of G.

 

 

I write all of this because, as I've reflected on the  amount of love and commitment that her family poured into her in just a short time here, I, too, long to provide the same for my daughter. On February 19th, G turned 10 months old. What would I do if I received that kind of news at her tender age?  I've learned, among many things, that one of the most powerful things about the love we have for our children is the part of that love that allows us to let them go. I'm reminded that our children are entrusted to us, not for keeps, but to grow them up as fruitful, loving, passionate victors for Christ.

G loves playing with her "hanki doll"

 

As G grows, it is my #1 goal to raise her to love the Lord. I want her to want to know Him. I want her to rest in His presence and live undoubtedly loved. As Kelly and her husband continue to raise their two boys, I remain in awe of their courage, faith and dedication to His service.

 

It's hard to believe that Sarah Ann has been dancing on the streets of gold for 9 years now. How amazing that must be. I imagine her painting pictures and hanging them up for all to see. I imagine her singing the songs of praise taught to her by her parents. I know that she is in good hands and those same hands are the ones that continue to guide us here. Those are the same hands that cradle and protect our daughter as she grows in this sin laden world. For that I rejoice. For Sarah Ann's life and her home with Jesus, I rejoice.

 

The other day, Kelly posted this verse:

 

 

May we never forget to live in this way. I pray that you will hold your little ones a little longer and seek to raise them in a way that will honor the Lord. Teach them to love the Lord, love others, and love themselves...we are in fact raising royalty.
 

 

To learn more about the life of Sarah Ann and her family's testimony, please visit their Family Web Page. God is good and His love is a priceless gift that we can pass down to our children. It is the greatest gift we can give.

 

3-0

This morning did not go as planned. G has not been herself these last couple of days. She isn't sleeping as well and has what appears to be a summer cold. The poor little thing has a stuffy, runny nose and the occasional cough. She still smiles mostly but we can tell she does not feel very well. We also believe she may be teething. Everything she can get her hands on goes in her mouth. She is gnawing like crazy! Around the time I needed to get ready for church, G finally fell back to sleep. I could not deny her a much needed nap.

My husband also returned home this weekend from a 48 hour shift on the fire/rescue crew at the Lockin' Music Festival. He was exhausted having only gotten a few short hours of sleep over the course of the last few days. He came home, kissed us both, and headed to bed.

As I rocked my baby and smiled at the thought of my husband being home, I realized I would have to worship the Lord from the spot in which I sat. I turned to my scripture reading for the day and this is what was laid before me:

Psalm 126:1-6 1 When the LORD brought back his exiles to Jerusalem,*   it was like a dream! 2 We were filled with laughter,   and we sang for joy. And the other nations said,   "What amazing things the LORD has done for them." 3 Yes, the LORD has done amazing things for us!   What joy! 4 Restore our fortunes, LORD,   as streams renew the desert. 5 Those who plant in tears   will harvest with shouts of joy. 6 They weep as they go to plant their seed,   but they sing as they return with the harvest.

This scripture just touched my soul. I think back to the times when my heart and soul felt so barren from circumstances beyond my control. I would cry out to God. I would yell. I would shed tears. I would sit in silence...and through it all I would wait. As a Christian, my journey here on Earth is heading toward a beautiful beginning. The joy will be forever. The start of my eternity will have no end.

While I remain here on Earth, I find it easy to sink into the fears and anxiety that I have dealt with for so long. God continues to work on me and through me in an ever progress movement to get me out of the miry clay. With each step forward I can't help but connect with the joyful sentiments found in these verses. What AMAZING things the Lord has done! My heart clings to verse 5 when it says "Those who plant in tears will harvest with shouts of joy." This reflects God's promise that He works all things to the good of those who love Him.

What joy!

I also began thinking about all of the things that I wish I would have done and all the things I hope to do. I see so much promise and hope when I look at my little girl. To have a doctor tell you that she has no options left for you and that a specialist will be the next course of action is very disheartening. It becomes even more so when the doctor says that she isn't even sure if the specialist will be able to offer anything else outside of invasive treatments. It was at that moment that I forced my heart, head and soul to remember who was my Great Physician. God had a plan for us and despite what might never be in the eyes and hands of man, there is nothing outside of God's ability. Our little girl is proof of that. His ability to create this precious life in a womb where there once was not one still brings tears to my eyes. He also led us to a new group of doctors familiar with  my condition and in them I have a whole new hope for conceiving future children. I can't explain how loved all of this has made me feel. It was as if God wrapped His arms around me and placed a peace in my heart. So, until we begin the venture of baby #2, I revel in the miraculous beauty that is my daughter.

I consider the obstacles that we may face as I edge closer to 30. The older we get the "higher risk" pregnancy becomes and with my condition, it only adds to the potential upsets. I forced myself to put these things out of my mind and instead focused on making a  list that I have been considering for a while. I have officially created my "30 by 30" list. I currently have 577 days until my 30th birthday. While age is not such a major issue with me, there are many things that I'd like to do. I'm already considering things I'd like to do for my "40 by 40" list. While my goal is to accomplish each one of these things, half the fun will be the attempt.

30 By 30

1. Host a Brunch Party

2. Begin (and finish?) building our “forever” home

3. Hike to a waterfall

4. Lose 30 pounds

5. Make G a big sister

6. Take a family trip to Washington D.C.

7. Make a pair of shoes

8. Visit a lighthouse

9. Go to the South Carolina Aquarium

10. Take a family trip to the North Carolina Zoo

11. Make a pecan pie

12. Send a card to a stranger

13. Make a photo book of G’s first year

14. Take a cooking class

15. Make homemade truffles

16. Plant a tree

17. Serve at a soup kitchen

18. Make a holiday wreath

19. Teach a kids’ cooking class

20. Take a girls’ trip with my mom, daughter and sisters

21. Learn to crochet

22. Take a carriage ride

23. Make real homemade alfredo sauce

24. Make homemade ravioli

26. Pay for a stranger’s meal

27. Learn to French Braid

28. Be in a parade

29. Read 100 books with/to my daughter

30. Buy new living room furniture

Take a moment to reflect on what you'd like to accomplish whether you'll be 30 or 80. What would you put on your list?