What's Bigger Than My Diagnosis?

I was thrilled when Caroline shared her Infertility link-up with me. It's been a week of advocating and spreading the word on infertility...also known as life and/or National Infertility Awareness Week! I was even more excited when she said that she was hoping those of us that have seen the other side of infertility would contribute. I truly believe it is essential that women see that there is another side...a side of hope...to this life altering diagnosis.

My husband and I were extremely cautious early in our marriage. We did not want to bring children into our family until we were "ready" or "the time was right". I set an alarm for my birth control (even on my honeymoon) to ensure that we would not experience any "surprises". The joke was on us. After 3 years of marriage we decided we'd go ahead and start adding to our family. Our natural efforts were not successful and I sought answers to my questions from my gynecologist. She eventually diagnosed me with PCOS and put me on Metformin. I was never given an explanation for her decisions, but she was my doctor. Why would I question her?

After months of additional negative pregnancy tests, she said she wanted to put me on Clomid. Once again, no blood work, ultrasounds or explanations. She said if that did not work then she would not be able to assist us further and would refer us to a specialist. She said it may just be an issue of not being able to have children.

::tears::

Confusion.

Anger.

Bitterness.

My husband and I prayed about our next step and we decided to forgo meeting again with my doctor and seek out a second opinion. We were led to the doctors at University Physicians for Women at Northridge. I went with this practice for a variety of reasons. The majority of the doctors were well versed in my PCOS diagnosis, they delivered at the hospital I had hoped to give birth in (someday), and they had direct access to highly respected infertility specialists. Upon our first visit, I knew in my heart that we had made the right choice. I was immediately put at ease by the expertise of the nurse and then by my doctor. She took me off the Metformin after receiving my blood work (she drew a full blood panel) and discovering that at the time, there was no immediate reason for me to be taking it. Upon further testing, we discovered that my testosterone was higher than normal and may be contributing to my inability to conceive. I was then put back on the meds, but with an actual reason for doing such this time.

I tracked my cycles and after more blood work, it appeared that my body would try to gear up to ovulate but could not follow through. I was heartbroken. If I wasn't ovulating then there would not be an egg waiting to be fertilized. At that point, my husband and I prayed for wisdom as to how far we would should go in our efforts to conceive. We decided that if medication was not enough, then we'd stop and try to fill our home with a child another way. We were at peace with this decision. We spoke with our doctor about our options and she completely respected our decision. From there, she came at us with a Plan A and then a Plan B if that did not work. I was thrilled to have answers and a plan.

After several months, we were still not pregnant. This medication is only permitted for a certain amount of cycles (this varies depending on the doctor) and we were two cycles away from ending the meds. My blood work initially showed that my body was gearing up but still no follow through. She upped my dosage. I then had a good ovulatory cycle, but no pregnancy. With each passing month, my heart grew more heavy. Finally...our miracle occurred.

In August 2012, we became pregnant with what would result in our beautiful baby girl.

During our first infertility journey, I can now look back to realize that I was dealing with depression. That time in my life was so dark. It was so sad. I felt broken and so alone. I had wrapped my worth up in my inability to have children and I had allowed Satan to feed my heart lies that I began to believe. Only through the grace of God did I overcome the darkness.

When we decided to try for another child, I began charting my cycles again and realized my body was back to its old ways. We discussed this with our doctor and there was no wait time. She immediately started us on the same protocol that we did the last time. Our son's conception beat the odds in terms of science due to previous and additional complications.

I've learned not to compare my story with anyone else's. It's hard...so hard...not to. Some women get pregnant by sneezing (or so it would seem) and then others face it for years without any success. Our story is not as detailed as others or the journey as long as some, but that does not make our story any less important. It has become a part of our testimony.

Our story proves that our God is bigger than any diagnosis. My hope was and is bigger than my diagnosis. I no longer allow my worth to be defined by my "broken parts". I don't know what our future holds, but I know He is good.

Without Him, we would not have our children. Our children were prayed for, longed for, and miraculous in so many ways.

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My heart continues to grieve with those who face the uncertainties of infertility. I still bear scars and old feelings still surface. My journey and spiritual growth have led me to answer God's call to begin a faith based infertility support group. We have been meeting since November and it is slowly growing. My heart is so full when I am able to share our story and the stories of others. I have the privilege of reminding these women that they are loved by our God in the midst of their circumstances and that despite what is going on, He truly has their best interests at heart. I know that I had lost sight of that during my struggle.

My husband and I hope that our story can serve as hope for those who are still going through the deep waters.

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It Hasn't Always Been This Way

"Devote yourselves to prayer, being watchful and thankful."

Colossians 4:2

I look at the beautiful, messy life before me. I flip through the pages of our family calendar and admire the upcoming special events penned on various dates. My joy overflows. April 19th is highlighted and marked on all personal calendars. This is my daughter's birthday.

Several years ago I was told that I may not be able to have children. This struck fear and ache in my heart as we continued to investigate my condition and eventually begin the battle against infertility. We sought a second opinion, completed various tests, discussed multiple options and prayed continuously for God to fill my womb with a child.

There were times when those prayers seemed like they were being unanswered. I often mistook His silence for "no" or distance. In reality, He was saying, "wait". I struggled during that time to let go and let God write our story.

In 2012 He gave us the surprise of a lifetime. He answered our prayers with a "yes". The following April, our beautiful daughter entered the world. We would eventually face the same struggles, fears, and frustrations as we attempted to provide our daughter with a sibling. However, I had a better understanding of the process and my faith had grown in a way during our last journey to conceive that allowed me to sincerely wait upon the Lord.

When people see pictures of our little family, they offer sweet compliments. They comment on how "lucky" we are to have two children, especially one of each (why that matters?). I don't see any of this as luck. I see a couple, desperate in their pleading, who learned how to wait upon the Lord. The family photos they see before them are not how things have always been. There was a time when we did not know if we would hear the pitter patter of little feet.

During our journeys to gaining these little lives, we learned how to pray...not just how to request our hearts' desires to God, but how to listen for His responses. We learned to be watchful. He taught us to continually look for other blessings in our lives instead of solely focusing on what we wanted but didn't yet have.

We also learned to be thankful. He taught us to be thankful for each other while we waited to fill our home with a child. He taught us to be thankful for the daughter that was more beautiful and precious than we could imagine. He taught us to hand over our fears of pregnancy loss and delivery when things became abnormal.

We carry these lessons with us. As a mother, I continue to pray for our children, both presently and for their futures. I continue to watch for the blessings that God pours over our sweet family. I also continue to be thankful. When the days are long and the nights are even longer, I rejoice in all that He has done. It is amazing how being thankful, listing those blessings and claiming God's goodness can make a person stronger and more brave in the face of weariness and worry. Write Colossians 4:2 where you can see it daily and remember to...

Pray. Watch. Give thanks.

Waiting on Wednesday

and

Mommy Momments

The 12 Books of Christmas: 2015 Selections

The tradition of having the kids open books on the 12 days leading up to Christmas has become one of my favorites. This year was no exception. I'm not sure what we'll do as they get older and picture books are no longer as captivating (since we read the stories together after opening them). Chapter books are not as ideal for this tradition. I am tossing ideas around and open to suggestions.

Regardless, I love this tradition and I will now share the books we selected for this year...

Wake Up, Little One

A Day with Animal Firefighters

Eight Silly Monkeys

Green Eggs and Ham

 

Russell and the Lost Treasure

 

You Can Do It Sam

 

God Gave Us Christmas

 

How the Grinch Stole Christmas

Thanksgiving: What makes it special?

 

Here Comes the Crocodile

A Chick 'n' Pug Christmas (My personal favorite)


Bear Stays Up for Christmas 



2013//2014

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It's a Boy...

This time last year was super exciting. We were eagerly awaiting the time that we would share the news of our second pregnancy with our families. We knew we'd do it at Christmas and we chose just how we'd make it an extra special surprise for everyone.

A couple months later we got the news that we were having a boy!

I remember hearing those words and watching my husband literally come out of his seat with excitement. I was thrilled at what this meant for us, but a little anxious as I had been a "girl mom" for the last year and a half. It was a journey I was ready to take and I could not wait to add him to our little family.

Over this last week I've been struck with some pretty strong emotions as I reflect, not only on these things, but on advent and the birth of our Savior. I've always been drawn to Mary's story and this year was no exception. However this year, I saw things a little differently.

I imagine Mary. She was a modest, humble girl whose life and faith had found her favor with God. I cannot imagine Mary's whirlwind of emotions as an angel of the Lord explained the coming events. She would become pregnant by the way of a miraculous conception. She would give birth to a son, the Son of God and He would be called Jesus.

When we found out we were expecting, we were elated. We couldn't wait to share the news with family and friends because we knew we would be met with love and congratulatory remarks. However, as you read through Mary's story, she and Joseph were less likely to be met with open arms. They were yet to be married and they could not explain how or why this miracle was laid upon them. I cannot conceive the weight upon their shoulders.

Mary, along with her husband, eventually experienced this world altering birth. However, in those quiet moments after His arrival, I see them just as any other couple. I see a proud father in awe of the tiny fingers that wrap around his pinky. I imagine Mary, holding her baby boy closely to her chest, breathing him in as he settles down to the sound of her familiar heartbeat. I think back to those sweet, silent moments with my own son.

These thoughts have been touching my heart especially tenderly this year. Mary knew from the time of Jesus' conception that He would become the greatest sacrifice and gift that this world has ever known. She would become the mother who would have to watch her son suffer and die on a cross for those who would hate Him. I look into the face of my son and I cannot imagine living with that reality.

I do not know what the Lord has in store for our son. I do not know where the Lord will take him or the lives he will impact. I do, however, know that my son has purpose and promise and that I daily strive to raise him to know and love the Lord.

Mary most certainly faced the same emotions as all mothers. I feel we would have a lot of things in common. Most importantly, we want our children to be raised to know the love of our Savior, to do good for others and to make a difference. So while our responses and lives may vary, our worlds changed forever on the day we heard, "it's a boy!"

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Countdown to Halloween Link-up: Finale

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I blinked and October is gone! I'm glad, that despite the weeks of sickness we've had, that we finally got in some good fall fun before it was all over.

Here are the remaining highlights of our October...

Buckeye Brownies

I was wanting a yummy fall snack that didn't involve pumpkin. I am a fan but it was time for a little something different. Thanks to Kristyn at lil'luna, I now have a new favorite. These brownies are not meant to make your waistline smile, but they will make you happy. I do suggest that you have multiple people to share these with (or not). I bet you can't eat just one!



Trunk or Treat

The church down the road from our house holds a Trunk or Treat each year. It's wonderful to see our friends and watch G play with her buddies.

CBC's Fall Festival

Our church throws a fall festival every year. It is a wonderful way to outreach to our community. G decided she wanted to be Rapunzel, which was fine since N had outgrown his football outfit (she was originally going to be a cheerleader) that I bought him two months ago. It was way too short decide buying it much larger than what I thought I might need. We has a wonderful time with our church family and others in the community. G loaded up on candy...which we will all enjoy lol.

N's face cracks me up as he gets some snuggles from our pastor

Reminiscing

On October 20th, our friends adopted their son. He is perfect in every way and we are so excited to get some snuggle time with him soon!

October 24th marked 3 years since my grandpa's passing. It's always so bittersweet. I am so thankful that he is with Jesus and no longer suffering. However, I know he would adore his great-grandchildren and my heart wishes that he had been able to meet them.

October 25th marked 7 years of marriage.

On October 31st, 2014, we found out that we were expecting baby #2. It was truly a miracle that we will forever be grateful for.

Linking up for Countdown to Halloween Link-up

Currently : October

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I love fall and October is generally my favorite month. Everything about it is wonderful!  This October however has been particularly difficult.

Thinking About: I used to sleep. I don't mean a few hours at a time...I mean all night. Since N's birth, those days of restful, restorative sleep are but a distant memory. This October has been full of sickness in our family. This has greatly contributed to many sleepless nights. For instance, we've experienced the following:
-My diagnosis of octal migraines (yes, my eyes have migraines)
-Teething
-Fevers
-Strep
-Common cold (which is miserable for the babes)

Working On: November's meal menu. I love breaking out the crock pot this time of year.

Learning: It's an ongoing process when it comes to learning how to accept things that are beyond my control. I want to learn how to really slow down and embrace the now instead of constantly feeling like I need to be prepping for the next thing.

Watching: The leaves are turning. It's peak season here and everything is gorgeous. How quickly time flies.

Listening to: G console her baby brother. They both have colds and when he coughs she does what she can to comfort him.

Trying: I'm really trying to get some order back in our home. Between myself and the kids being sick, I've been trying to disinfect but haven't done well to keep things organized.

Loving: I'm loving all the little things. Life goes by far too quickly and every moment we have is a gift.

5 Reasons Why October is My Favorite

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Oh October,  I love you.

Why?

1. On October 25, 2008 I married my best friend. He truly is the love of my life and I look forward to many years to come.

2. In October 2012 we announced the miracle of our first pregnancy.

3. On October 31, 2014, we were blessed with another prayed for miracle. We learned that we were expecting baby #2.

4. It's the time of year when fall festivals are in full swing, the air is crisp and sweater season truly begins...

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5. My newest reason to love October is that on the 20th of this month (yes, just this week!) our dear friends brought their new son home to his forever home. This adoption has been long prayed for and they have been truly blessed. I can't wait to meet him soon! You can read about his homecoming here.

Linking up for Five on Friday 

Mourning My Maternity Leave

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Monday...back to being my least favorite day of the week. This Monday in particular is very difficult. After a wonderful 8 weeks of maternity leave, I will be heading back to work. I'm so envious of places that offer longer and/or paid maternity leave. If I could have afforded to take the remaining four weeks I most certainly would have. But such is life.

Checking emails is already a bit overwhelming. Meetings, deadlines, and concerns regarding next year's budget (already!) make up most of my emails. I love coming back to discussions of whether or not more teachers will lose their positions for next year (insert eye roll). Because of my maternity leave, I'll be 20 days shy of being able to earn tenure this year, which only adds to the stress whenever budgets are involved. I'm walking into a classroom of students I have met once, not to mention have very little working knowledge of their academics. I have a whole new set of parents to get to know and I can only imagine how many times I'll hear, "That's not how Mrs. ________ did it."

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Honestly, I want to cry. Packing my babies' bags for the sitter was agonizing. I know to some this all sounds melodramatic but seriously, my heart aches at the thought of going back to missing so much of their little lives each day. I was fine when I was in the daily grind and I was kind of numb to that reality. It's all very fresh right now. Add to that hormones and limited sleep,  I can be classified as a hot mess.

::via::

Now...the flip side of this is that I serve an awesome, gracious God. I wanted N to be at least 3 months before I had to return to work and he turned 3 months this past week. I do love my job. I feel I am a good teacher and I have a passion for what I do. I just have to learn to give myself a little grace. Fortunately I'll be coming back to a very loving and supportive group of friends and coworkers. I don't have the luxery of working outside the home as an option and since that is the case I consider myself quite blessed to have a job I love, with people I treasure at a school that I embrace as my second home.

While this week, and many days to come, will prove difficult,  I am so grateful for both the time I've had with my babies, God's provision and a job that I know I am called to. It's easy to worry and stress but that does nothing for anyone. Besides...now I can start the countdown to Christmas Break ;)

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Currently: September

N is really working his smile these days

Holy moly! September is working its way out. This is nuts! This October will be bittersweet so I'm not trying to rush anything. Here's what's going on...

Thinking about: Our upcoming vacation. We're going out of town to meet up with my mom and two sisters. The four of us have not been together since my dad's funeral in 2012. My middle sister has yet to meet both her niece and nephew and my youngest sister has not met her nephew. It's about time if I don't say so myself.

Working on: October's monthly menu. This starts the first of 12 much smaller monthly paychecks, so it's even more important that I plan spending savvy.

Learning: To simplify. There are a lot of things in my life that I don't understand and can't control right now...but there are still things that I can control and that's what I need to focus on. I was encouraged by a friend to read The Life-changing Magic of Tidying Up by Marie Kondo. I just got it today and have read half way through it already thanks to naps and feedings. I'm already so inspired.

Watching: The Middle. Reruns are on daily during naptime. Sometimes this mommy needs a little break too...

Listening to: G "read" Baby Bear, Baby Bear, What Do You See? Seriously. Adorable.

When she's not reading she's outside enjoying the beautiful weather

Trying: to sort through all that we've aquire these last 7 years. Despite all that we thrown away, sold and donated, there is still so much! I'm ready to just throw it all in bags and haul it off.

Feeling: Both overwhelmed about returning to work and excited about living out what I'm learning in our new Sunday School bible study.

from When Wallflowers Dance by Angela Thomas

Loving: My sweet babes and all things Fall!

Linking up with Mommy Momments

Bouncing Back After Baby - Post Baby Goals

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I'm 2 months post birth and I'm still not feeling 100% myself. N's pregnancy was much more difficult and his labor was 2 times longer than that of his sister's. Let's just say my body feels like it has been through a war. I'm still healing and the various issues I've had since his birth have not been as easy to deal with at times. There have been multiple doctor/dentist visits and quite frankly, I'm over it. I want to feel good again.

Prior to his conception,  I had lost 20lbs. I only gained 17 during his pregnancy and lost that pretty immediately. However, just as before, there were things that made it difficult to breastfeed and after a couple weeks, I was unable to do so any longer. Some of the weight creeped back on. ::sigh::

We've been asked if we're done having kids and to that I don't have a solid answer...but I can say I have goals until then. These goals are meant to carry me over the next couple of years and mini goals will be implemented along the way. I don't want to rush my body but I don't want that to stop me from moving forward.

Goals

1. Lose 30lbs. I am actively using FitnessPal again and I'm eager to see some change. I'll be once again blogging about my progress soon.

2. Put our house up for sale. We have a few projects left prior to officially putting the house on the market but we're well on our way.

3. Get reconnected. The last few months have been difficult in the way of personal relationships and my relationships with friends, family and Christ have suffered. It's time to get more involved again and fix what can be fixed and find closure with what can't.

4. Build our forever home. I desperately long to build our new house. Our land is just begging to be settled upon. We can't begin that venture however until our current home is sold. It's so close and yet so far...

5. Survive financially over the next 12 months. My maternity leave is cutting my pay by several hundred dollars each month for the next year. We've been saving, making cuts and trying to just prepare ourselves all the way around. This next year will be super tight and we are trusting in the Lord's provision. He's never failed us.

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6. Live intentionally. As of late I have known or read about too many people passing away unexpectedly and it really gets you thinking. I want to make memories, live fully, overcome my fears and anxieties and show my children what an amazing life the Lord has blessed us with.

7. Date my husband. I have a really hard time leaving my kids. I admit it. After being gone from them all day, all I want to do is be with them. However,  this doesn't grow my relationship with my phenomenal husband. I need to let go and let others help us more. I need to go on dates with my husband minus both kids and relax. (Can you sense my type A personality?)

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8. Revamp my teaching style. I love what I do as a teacher. Every year I say there are things I want to do or change and rarely do I do them. It's time to fix that.

What goals do you have?

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A Girl and a Boy...Now What?

Enough is enough...but how do you decide? How do you know when you are done having kids? For some the answer is simple and concrete. For others there is no definitive answers. Some dream of many but can only have one. Others never dreamed of having any and they end up with a multitude.

I remember soon after our daughter's birth (as in hadn't even left the hospital) people were asking if we were planning on having more children. We had struggled to conceive our daughter, and even though a dream of adding to our family was in our hearts, we really did not know how to answer that question. Of course we wanted more, but whether or not the Lord would grant us more children was a huge unknown. In my heart I hoped He would allow us more children, but to say that we would most certainly have more was not an answer I could give.

When we learned we were pregnant again last fall, we were elated. We had prayed and with the help of medical interventions, we conceived our second child. We were even more excited to find out that we were having a boy! We loved being girl parents and yet we had hoped to experience the sweetness of a little boy. In July of this year I gave birth to a beautiful, red headed little fella. So.In.Love.

Once again, soon after his birth, visitors were asking about our family...but the question was different this time. People were asking us if we were DONE having children since we now had one of each. I did not realize this was such a major assumption. Apparently when you have one of each your family is complete and it's just silly to think of having another.

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I ran across this little ditty about the time I was getting a little flustered with all of the assumptions. It is spot on.

I originally wanted four kids (and honestly, I still do) and my husband was content with two (and honestly, I think he still is). Our last conversation had us agreeing that we will most likely try for at least one more. However, we're not sure how this third child will come to be. Each go at getting pregnant has proven more difficult than the last and this difficulty only increases with age (I'm only 30...but still). We still believe adoption may be a possibility, but we'll have to see how we feel we should proceed when that time comes. Right now we are a ways off. We want G in Kindergarten and our forever home to be built. This gives us at least 3 years. We also don't want to rush this precious time. There are plenty of memories to be made before adding another set of tiny feet to our home.

Despite our feelings, we believe the Lord has already determined the size of our family and we trust Him to bring the number of children that He wills into our home. I joke with my husband that we could have twins in an attempt to have our third child...he doesn't see the humor, but our use of fertility meds ups the chances. We also trust God's timing for our next child despite our timeframe. We also trust Him to bring the perfect child(ren) into our lives as He sees fit, whether I am blessed to carry another child or we open our hearts and home through adoption. His plan is perfection.

Personally, it's hard to think of saying that I'm done having children. I love being a mom and love bringing new life into the world. I kind of get why these couples keep having kids...although 19 is a bit much for anyone's sanity in my opinion. My husband on the other hand looks at everything from a very practical point of view and has no problem setting a limit.

For those of you who have decided to call it quits or for those of you who have decided on "your number", how did you do it? What factors did you consider? What made your decision? I look forward to hearing your thoughts!

Linking up for Thoughts for Thursday and Mommy Moments