What's Bigger Than My Diagnosis?

I was thrilled when Caroline shared her Infertility link-up with me. It's been a week of advocating and spreading the word on infertility...also known as life and/or National Infertility Awareness Week! I was even more excited when she said that she was hoping those of us that have seen the other side of infertility would contribute. I truly believe it is essential that women see that there is another side...a side of hope...to this life altering diagnosis.

My husband and I were extremely cautious early in our marriage. We did not want to bring children into our family until we were "ready" or "the time was right". I set an alarm for my birth control (even on my honeymoon) to ensure that we would not experience any "surprises". The joke was on us. After 3 years of marriage we decided we'd go ahead and start adding to our family. Our natural efforts were not successful and I sought answers to my questions from my gynecologist. She eventually diagnosed me with PCOS and put me on Metformin. I was never given an explanation for her decisions, but she was my doctor. Why would I question her?

After months of additional negative pregnancy tests, she said she wanted to put me on Clomid. Once again, no blood work, ultrasounds or explanations. She said if that did not work then she would not be able to assist us further and would refer us to a specialist. She said it may just be an issue of not being able to have children.

::tears::

Confusion.

Anger.

Bitterness.

My husband and I prayed about our next step and we decided to forgo meeting again with my doctor and seek out a second opinion. We were led to the doctors at University Physicians for Women at Northridge. I went with this practice for a variety of reasons. The majority of the doctors were well versed in my PCOS diagnosis, they delivered at the hospital I had hoped to give birth in (someday), and they had direct access to highly respected infertility specialists. Upon our first visit, I knew in my heart that we had made the right choice. I was immediately put at ease by the expertise of the nurse and then by my doctor. She took me off the Metformin after receiving my blood work (she drew a full blood panel) and discovering that at the time, there was no immediate reason for me to be taking it. Upon further testing, we discovered that my testosterone was higher than normal and may be contributing to my inability to conceive. I was then put back on the meds, but with an actual reason for doing such this time.

I tracked my cycles and after more blood work, it appeared that my body would try to gear up to ovulate but could not follow through. I was heartbroken. If I wasn't ovulating then there would not be an egg waiting to be fertilized. At that point, my husband and I prayed for wisdom as to how far we would should go in our efforts to conceive. We decided that if medication was not enough, then we'd stop and try to fill our home with a child another way. We were at peace with this decision. We spoke with our doctor about our options and she completely respected our decision. From there, she came at us with a Plan A and then a Plan B if that did not work. I was thrilled to have answers and a plan.

After several months, we were still not pregnant. This medication is only permitted for a certain amount of cycles (this varies depending on the doctor) and we were two cycles away from ending the meds. My blood work initially showed that my body was gearing up but still no follow through. She upped my dosage. I then had a good ovulatory cycle, but no pregnancy. With each passing month, my heart grew more heavy. Finally...our miracle occurred.

In August 2012, we became pregnant with what would result in our beautiful baby girl.

During our first infertility journey, I can now look back to realize that I was dealing with depression. That time in my life was so dark. It was so sad. I felt broken and so alone. I had wrapped my worth up in my inability to have children and I had allowed Satan to feed my heart lies that I began to believe. Only through the grace of God did I overcome the darkness.

When we decided to try for another child, I began charting my cycles again and realized my body was back to its old ways. We discussed this with our doctor and there was no wait time. She immediately started us on the same protocol that we did the last time. Our son's conception beat the odds in terms of science due to previous and additional complications.

I've learned not to compare my story with anyone else's. It's hard...so hard...not to. Some women get pregnant by sneezing (or so it would seem) and then others face it for years without any success. Our story is not as detailed as others or the journey as long as some, but that does not make our story any less important. It has become a part of our testimony.

Our story proves that our God is bigger than any diagnosis. My hope was and is bigger than my diagnosis. I no longer allow my worth to be defined by my "broken parts". I don't know what our future holds, but I know He is good.

Without Him, we would not have our children. Our children were prayed for, longed for, and miraculous in so many ways.

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My heart continues to grieve with those who face the uncertainties of infertility. I still bear scars and old feelings still surface. My journey and spiritual growth have led me to answer God's call to begin a faith based infertility support group. We have been meeting since November and it is slowly growing. My heart is so full when I am able to share our story and the stories of others. I have the privilege of reminding these women that they are loved by our God in the midst of their circumstances and that despite what is going on, He truly has their best interests at heart. I know that I had lost sight of that during my struggle.

My husband and I hope that our story can serve as hope for those who are still going through the deep waters.

Linking up for Mommy Moments

It's Come to This...

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In 2011 I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). It's a dirty diagnosis that could mean a vast variety of things with even more variations of symptoms. While there were many things I did not know about this syndrome, I was made aware that it may be the culprit behind our inability to become pregnant. After being told by my doctor that she couldn't do anything more for us other than refer us to an infertility specialist, we opted to get a second opinion.

I did some research and chose the doctor I would see. During this time, we prayed that we'd make the right choice in doctors and that we'd know the right choices thereafter when we'd come upon times to make decisions. God granted us immediate peace the moment I met with my new practice. The nurses were super knowledgeable about my condition, the doctors were wise, compassionate and empathetic. We were immediately put at ease. Blood work was ordered, meds were trial and error, failed attempts, promising signs and cycle monitoring were our lives.

Over time we battled our infertility,  not once, but twice, and fortunately, God gifted us two beautiful miracles. We count ourselves so blessed.

Through it all I couldn't help but question, "why us?" Over the course of the last year that reason has become more and more clear, and tonight will be yet another piece of this journey. My dear friend and I will begin an infertility support group and bible study. I am grateful for the few women who will be joining us and I am hoping that others will follow.

I now see that part of all the heartache, waiting and growth has brought me to this. I am amazed and humbled that God would call me from the ashes of such a difficult time in my life to share the beauty of His goodness and healing with others. I want to share the hope that can only come from Him. I want them to remember that He is bigger than any diagnosis. I want to provide comfort and encouragement to those whose hearts are riddled with questions and fears. I want them to have what I didn't.

Little did I know, even just a couple months ago, that all of that would come to this.

Linking up for Thoughts for Thursday

When You're Not a Mom on Mother's Day

This quote popped up on my TimeHop app the other morning and as soon as I read it, I knew exactly why I had shared it.

The quote came during a time in our infertility struggle that I was losing hope, tired of the fight and could only hope, pray and dream that one day Mother's Day would hold a new meaning for me. Of course I celebrated my amazing mother. I would not be who I am without her...but as I sat in the church pew that Mother's Day morning, I could only think about how much my heart ached to be a mother. I was not envious of the flowers or cards. I was not jealous of the recognition. I was sad. My heart longed to know motherhood.

That Mother's Day came and went. I shed the same tears that I had shed the year before and I prayed desperately for the Lord to answer my prayers. To our unexpected joy and delight, He did answer that prayer later that year.

I'll never forget the moment I held our little girl for the first time. It was at that moment that I knew everyday would be Mother's Day. I would celebrate this joy forever. The Lord had heard my prayer and answered my request with a blessing beyond our dreams.

Mother's Day 2013

As I type this, I am currently 31 weeks pregnant with another miracle...another answer to prayer. We ran into similar issues in trying to conceive this sweet little boy and I cherish God's blessing. I rejoice in what He has done. As my heart rejoices over this little life that is growing inside of me and over the fiery redheaded little girl that calls me "Mommy", I cannot help but remember those years of longing and sadness...those years my heart felt so empty on Mother's Day.

For those of you who find yourselves feeling that same ache and feeling that same frustration, remember you are not alone. While you stare longingly at the little ones around you, remember that there is a special plan for your life. I had to be reminded of that daily. I also had to be reminded that God has great plans for the little lives that He brings into this world and that those lives will be conceived in the womb and delivered into the world at His appointed time for His miraculous purpose. While these truths are real and are meant to be reassuring, we won't always feel their comfort.

I say these things to encourage you to not lose hope. Open your heart to what God has for you and daily prepare yourself to accept His blessing when it comes. Be open to how He may bring children into your home. Our sweet little ones don't always come from our own wombs.

I say these things to also remind you that just because you are not a mom (yet) on Mother's Day does not make you any less of a woman. You were designed with a purpose and your story is far from over. It took me a long time to grasp that God was developing and furthering a part of my testimony that would later used to help others. I have since been able to share my battles of infertility and the hope that the Lord gives in the midst of the ache with others. I have seen God fill wombs that once were barren. I have cried and laughed with women who never thought joy could be found in such a painful plight.  I have seen true miracles occur and I have seen what faith can do.

May 2015
 

Mourn this Mother's Day if you must. It's okay, but please, please don't lose hope. Find a way to keep looking forward. Keep dreaming. Embrace the now while anticipating the future. Your miracle may be just a moment away...

 

Linking Up for Mommy Moments

When It's Your Turn: The Other Side of Infertility

You've prayed. You've tasted bitterness. You've remained hopeful. You've fought against the odds. And then...you want to give up. You want to throw your hands in the air because you don't understand why it seems everyone around you can have a baby and you can't. You battle these emotions day in and day out.

Fast forward (in slow motion) and a miraculous things happens. You...the one wondering if your prayers will ever be answered in the way that you hoped, are pregnant. Those two beautiful pink lines bring a plethora of emotions. You struggle with disbelief and complete elation. You want to tell everyone and no one at the same time. Your dreams are becoming a reality.

I must say that my emotions and experiences regarding both the conception of my daughter and, now, this precious miracle have been all of those things and more. It's crazy to think that after all someone with infertility goes through that she could feel anything but complete joy...and yet, it becomes so much more.


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This new journey comes with a mixed bag of emotions. Your excitement can become tainted with other less pleasant emotions. I struggled greatly...and still struggle with these things.

One of the most difficult emotions to combat is guilt.

It's hard to get beyond this one. I've been fortunate enough to have a beautiful support group this time around. The three of us have been praying for each other, hoping and wishing on every star for one another to become pregnant. It's what we all want for each other...so why the guilt? It's the flip side of the "why she and not me?" It becomes the "Praise God for me, but why not she?" I so desperately want all of us to share this experience. I want each of them to know the excitement and worry and all of the crazy good that is pregnancy and motherhood. But alas, I can't change what is. It is very hard to tell those most close to you...those women who have walked this journey with you, that you are now pregnant. I have been fortunate to have their full love and support but it is still very difficult to tell them something that you know will bring pain to their hearts, despite the sincere happiness they have for you. I've been on that side. I know the feeling.



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Another feeling that I, and many others, experience is jealousy. Say what?! I know what you're thinking. I'm pregnant. Move on! I know, I know. It's so hard to explain but the words "we weren't even trying" or "it happened our first time" still bring a sting to my heart. While I rejoice in our blessing, there is still that achy part of me that wishes our journey to our miracle was not so laden with tears.



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I also struggle with worry. My PCOS puts me at a higher risk for miscarriage. At the time of this post, I am 4 months pregnant. I've felt my little one move a few times and my growing belly shows promise. These things are amazing and wonderful, but I still worry. I still worry about the health of our unborn child. I worry about what may or may not happen. I have to daily place our sweet babe in the Lord's hands.



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Now, before you get bogged down in the less than desirable things...I confess that my heart is so full and my soul continually rejoices over the miracle that I carry. God has blessed our little family with another child and for that I will be forever grateful.

Throughout your infertility journey you will face multiple ups and downs. The most important thing is to not lose heart and to never give up. You're miracle may be right around the corner...and remember, no matter how you decide to fill your home with the pitter patter of little feet, you will be blessed.



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Linking up for Thoughts for Thursday

Infertility Hurdles: Surviving the TWW

If you are not familiar with the TWW acronym, it stands for the (dreaded) Two Week Wait. Those two weeks are the ones following your ovulation. What does or doesn't happen during those two weeks can drive a gal crazy...

If you've been trying to conceive and you chart your cycles, you are probably acutely aware of how obsessive these two weeks can become. Every "symptom" is scrutinized. A slight dip in your temperature can trigger disappointment. A spike in temperatures sends your hope soaring! There are oodles of things that we try to spin in our favor in order to cling to the hope of pregnancy.

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I'm no stranger to the TWW. I remember all too well the roller coaster of emotions from TTC our daughter. Emotions this go around are pretty much the same, but my support system has changed...in that I actually have one and they are awesome! We're all going through this together. No matter how long you've been TTC there is no less sting when temperatures bottom out and a BFN is clearly in the near future. Handling this disappointment is a post all in its own, but I thought I'd share with you some ways I survive the TWW.

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Of course one of the main things I do (which may or may not be a healthy choice) is obsess over enter my chart data. There is very little that we can control regarding when we'll get pregnant and yet most of us feel a need for a sense of some type of control. In my case, I feel like I can at least control the data I enter into my chart, which includes my BBT (Basal Body Temperature) and "symptoms". I try not to get wrapped up in it. It just helps to show me and my doctor what is going on during my cycles. *I chart my entire cycle for accuracy.

Now here are some non-chart related things that help me pass the time...

Blog: This blog has become such a wonderful source of encouragement and it serves as a great outlet.

Bible Study: I recently started an infertility related bible study. It has served as a great foundation for me and the gals to approach infertility (and every. single. unsuccessful. cycle.) from a faith perspective.

Cook/Bake: I have always loved to cook and bake. Trying new recipes is a hobby of mine. I really ramp the production during the TWW. If I'm cooking I can sort out my thoughts and I can refocus my energy. Hobbies are a great way to keep your mind occupied.

Get Outdoors: There is something about a mountainous view and fresh air that cleanses the soul. It's a good way for me to clear my head and gain a fresh perspective.

Family Time: I LOVE my family. There is nothing better than spending time with my husband and daughter. The laughter, conversations, and memories divert my attention to more important things and I savor those precious moments.

Technology Breaks: I've backed off of Facebook for a few months now and I am very happy with my decision. My family time is more intentional and, while I'm not "in the know", I know enough. It gives me a reason to call, send a letter or text someone directly. It has made my relationships more personal. When I step away from my phone or the computer there is a crazy amount of freedom that comes with it.

Girls' Nights: Girl friends are essential in surviving the TWW. Taking time away to vent, cry and laugh with friends that are going through the same thing is extremely helpful. Don't get me wrong, I love spending time with ALL my friends and they are so encouraging. It's just different being with those that understand...however, being with friends that are not baby obsessed is also nice in that not every conversation revolves around trying to get pregnant.

Create a Bucket List: Get a list together of things you'd love to do or accomplish. Get busy in checking them off. This will give you things to look forward to while you wait.

There are many things you can do to help you survive the TWW besides burying your face in a tub of ice cream. Save that for the BFN if it comes. I'd love to hear some of your survival tips...

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Infertility Hurdles: The Company You Keep

From a recent bible study session I had a pretty big epiphany. All that I've been through up to this point (and all that I will go through) is necessary. Necessary. That word causes a major sense of bitterness at the sound. Doctor appointments: necessary. Less dairy (and most of the foods I love): necessary. Blood work: necessary. Medication: necessary. Screaming into a pillow: necessary. There are a lot of unpleasant "necessary" moments in the Land of Infertility. Rarely do I ever consider these things good...that was until recently.

It's easy to settle into a place of constant bitterness and sadness.

You want more than anything to have what others have. The constant "why can she and not me?" question permanently embeds itself in your mind.

I suppose this idea of "necessary" has been an area of struggle for me for quite some time. I know God has a plan for my life but why? Why am I going through this? I'm young. I'm stable. I have so much love to give...why is this part of my journey so necessary?

I know now...well, actually I now accept, that I need to turn my thoughts of necessary around. Had I not previously gone through this journey I would not have any experience in order to relate to those women who are also battling infertility. I would not have found some of the friends I have found through various support groups if I had not been diagnosed with PCOS. This second time around has not been any easier to accept. However, had I not begun this journey again I would not have felt led to start an infertility related bible study. I would not have connected with some amazing women on the sweetest of faith based levels. My faith would not have been challenged in this way and I would not know God's goodness the way I know it now.

When surrounding yourself with support through the journey (and you should), be sure you are careful of the company you keep. Try to surround yourself with positive people. While the journey is hard, you don't want people that will feed into your bitterness. You need to seek out those who still have optimism, who still have hope and will still support you when circumstances turn. Infertility is difficult enough without constantly focusing on all that is not going right.

The women that I am currently going through this study with definitely fit the bill. We all laugh together. We cry. We hope. We dream. We cling to a God who knows our hearts and has brought us together to serve as tangible examples of His love for us. I've challenged all of us to change our view of "necessary". We all also accepted the challenge, regardless of what our heads tell us, to change our thoughts from "I doubt it happened this cycle" to "I claim this cycle and consider myself PUPO (Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise) during the TTW." Hope is what we have. Faith is what we cling to and His grace is how we survive.

Just a side note...when it comes to the company you keep, consider the relationship and comfort level that you have with your doctor.  Some women decide to go with a specialist.  Find one that meets your needs and suits your personality and goals. If you're like me and various reasons hinder the use of a specialist,  work with a doctor that works with your particular condition.  A lot of doctors are familiar with my PCOS but I had to change practices in order to find a doctor that knew how to treat it and could give me reasons why they were choosing the types of treatment that they were suggesting. You are your best advocate.

I hope that no matter what you're going through you'll accept that no matter how difficult the journey, each moment is necessary.

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Infertility Hurdles: The Men That Love Us

Infertility is vicious. It can rock the foundation of even the strongest relationships...primarily marriage. It's not easy for our good men to go through the journey with us, but the great ones stick it out, hold our hands, let us cry, cry with us, and live out love everyday despite their frustration.



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It's a miracle that my husband still hangs around the house.

I've been enlightened over the last few months. When we began to TTC again, I knew things would be hard...but I didn't realize I'd be battling the ghosts of my past. The same emotions plague my heart. The same thoughts bounce around in my brain. The same tears fall...and through it all, my husband has proven himself amazing...again.

I was determined to not have us fall into the same rut. The last time "doing the deed" became "mandatory" when a positive opk showed itself. The romance faded. The spontaneity was gone. Let's be honest, after months of trying and disappointment, the magic disappears. It's not something you mean to happen but it will quickly become an issue if you don't keep things in check.

In an attempt to keep things fresh, I didn't tell my hubby when ovulation was imminent.  Just a couple months into this new journey, I decided to initiate some romance. I kid you not...the first words out of my husband's mouth were, "does that mean you got a positive test?" Ouch. At that moment I realized I had conditioned my husband. He was fertility trained. It still stings a bit but after discussing some things with him, I now have a better understanding.

From my hubby's perspective, he sincerely wants to know. He wants to walk this journey with me and he wants to be aware of what is going on. I didn't realize...

After talking with a few friends, I've grown to have more of an appreciation for the men in our lives that walk this journey of infertility with us. (Please keep in mind that my husband has been medically cleared. The issues lie in me. I know this is not always the case. Male infertility is a very real issue but I can't speak to that particular situation.)

Just like anything else, men will respond in different ways. After discussing this matter with several people, I've compiled a short list of some common emotions and responses that the men in our lives have regarding our infertility journeys.

-Helplessness: Men are fixers. It's hard for them to see us cry, pray and hope only to be disappointed time after time. They want to make things better and feel helpless when they can't change our circumstances.

-Angry: Men become angry with themselves, their spouses and friends. They are angry with themselves because they can't help us. They don't fully understand and become overwhelmed. They become angry with their spouses because of the demands placed upon them. They become angry with friends, not necessarily at them, but at their more fortunate circumstances.

-Overwhelmed: Men too can become overwhelmed with the financial, emotional, physical, and mental demands of infertility.

-Tired: Like us, they get tired of schedules, demands, our hormonal rollercoasters, etc.

-Indifference: "If it happens, it happens." "If it's God's will..." "We can't rush these things." They take the stance of "no worries".

For more insight, take a look at the "7 Words that Describe Infertility from a Male's Perspective."

My husband has said that the hardest thing for him is to see me hurt and to know that there is nothing he can do. Oh honey. You do so much. I am so grateful for all of the time, money, and energy that you contribute to our dreams. I thank you for your endless love and support. There is no one else that I'd rather walk this journey with. Be sure to thank your man for the good things...even if it's just one thing. They need to know we need them.

More from this series:

Infertility Hurdles: It's All In Your Head

 

Also linking up with Home of Malones for Thoughts for Thursday.

If Today Had a Play List...

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It was one of those days...the kind where you catch moments. These are moments you live daily but for some reason today you become acutely aware of the "now". Today, those moments that made up my day seemed to bring song with them. Music has always served as an avenue of worship and self expression. Maybe it's God's way of bringing some healing to a heart that has been aching. Maybe it's my soul longing to reconnect. Whatever the reason, I thought I'd share the music that has made today's play list.

These songs either literally came to mind at the moment or later in the day as I was reflecting. It's possible these songs were meant to be shared today...from my heart's play list to your ears...

This morning I woke up feeling like I had just laid down. G did not sleep like normal and I can always tell a difference in both of us. The morning was beautiful and God's goodness was evident, even with my tired eyes. How deep is His love for me...

How Deep the Father's Love for Us-Selah

Driving into town midday the emotions of the week caught up with me. My husband had Scotty McCreery in the CD player. When I turned up the volume, this song came on...it was just the reminder that I needed...there is so much to be thankful for...even those things that to the outside world may seem a burden. I'm thankful for dirty dishes...

Dirty Dishes-Scotty McCreery

I came home, unloaded the groceries and got G a snack. She was in need of a nap after a long morning. I never get tired of those quiet moments in the rocking chair. I know some day she'll out grow my lap but until then I'll savor every moment. I've sung this song to her since she was in the womb...

Mother Like Mine-The Band Perry

I've had dishes and laundry staring me in the face all afternoon...but how can I say no to uninterrupted time with my toddling babe. She's recently found a love for dancing and why I sang this song to her I don't know...but it popped in my head and she thoroughly enjoyed dancing with Mommy in the kitchen...(and in my defense...I only sang parts of it and made up lyrics just for my girl).

Hey Ya!-OutKast

We made it through the afternoon without any meltdowns or glitches (other than I have been losing everything today...nothing has been where I thought I left it ::sigh::) We finally made our way to the couch to wind down before bedtime. She picked out a color for her toenails and while I painted her little piggies we watched some classic Winnie the Pooh and I admit, every time I hear that little bear sing this song it takes me back to my childhood...



The Little Black Rain Cloud-Winnie the Pooh

I had some personal moments today where that all too familiar sadness made it's way into my heart. I hate this ache...this song has been and remains a comfort to me when the "what ifs" arise...



Hope Now-Addison Road

As a new cycle begins, without any assistance this go around, I'm feeling pretty disheartened knowing that my body does not do what it's supposed to on its own. It's frustrating but I also know that it's a time like this that God could use to show His ultimate power. Only He can bless our home with another child and if I need to take this time to grow, wait, and continue to hope than I will. Whenever I find myself longing for what has yet to come, this song is usually in the back of my mind...even though I've yet to meet the one that I believe God will bring into our lives, it's as if I've already loved him/her for a thousand years...

A Thousand Years-Christina Perri

As the rain passes through this evening, I sit in a quiet house. My hubby has been gone for 3 days now and I eagerly await his return tomorrow. This last song came to me as I was trying to tidy the house. It encompasses so many good things that are my life. Despite my dreams and the hope I have for what may or may not come, I have been blessed...these blessings include an amazing husband, a home to call my own, a beautiful daughter, a career I love, and a God who never quits, never gives up on me, and provides all that I could ever need and more...He is truly the heart of my world.



Heart of the World-Lady Antebellum





Thoughts for Thursday

The Washington Monument
January 2012

Is the weekend here yet?! It has been a really tough week here in the Land of Infertility. This was yet another "no go" month and it never gets easier. I've had to count my blessings over and over.

One of those blessings is my best friend. While we're at two completely different points in our lives she provides ample support and because she is "my person" she just knows what I need.

I bring her up to say that I'm super excited about visiting her. She lives in DC and G and I will be making our way there in a couple of weeks. I haven't been since 2012 (it was the first part of the year and freezing)  and there are several things we're looking forward to.

Laura and I at the Arlington Cemetery
January 2012

We've made plans to take G to the zoo and of course we'll scope out a cupcake shop or two. There will be coffee, laughter and some much needed down time. It will be such a nice distraction.

My primary prayers are safe travel for myself and the itty bitty as well as prayer that G will sleep in her new surroundings.

In other news,

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I hope you'll join us for this week's Thoughts for Thursday!

Linking up with Annie for Thoughts on Thursday



It's Time to Share

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Two years ago this past Wednesday remains a very special day for my husband and I. It was the day our lives changed forever and our hearts’ cries were answered. It was the day I got my first BFP! (For those of you not familiar with the lingo that stands for a Big Fat Positive on a pregnancy test.) It was a time in our lives we’ll cherish forever.

Celebrating our BFP in August 2012

Now that we are on the TTC journey once again, I long for that same moment of initial disbelief. Every month that passes and does not result in fulfilling our dream for another child brings back the emotions that continue to haunt me. Doubt. Fear. Anxiety. Guilt. These painful feelings often make me feel less and alone.

This time around I’ve been doing things a bit differently to handle the emotions and thoughts that tend to come with repeated failure. 

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1. I’m talking. When we went through our first attempt at conceiving I did not tell anyone. When I realized our dreams may not come true I found it even more difficult to talk about our struggles. I battled depression silently. Relationships were negatively impacted and my faith became luke warm. This time I’ve come to realize the importance of talking about our struggles with infertility and that there is no shame in what we’re going through.

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People are surprised that we are struggling with infertility since we “already have a child”. What they fail to realize or maybe just don’t know, is that infertility doesn’t just “go away.” I don’t ovulate on my own despite weight loss and a change in eating habits and exercise. I have to rely on medication to help but this medication is only allowed for a few cycles due to its stress on the reproductive system. People also think that I should just be content with what we have. I do not ever want to sound ungrateful. I am so unbelievably blessed to be the mother to our daughter. She came to us after a very long time of trial and error, tears and heartache. 

She is not just my daughter. She is proof of God’s continued goodness and response to prayer. She is a miracle. 

I try not to feel guilty (although I have in the recent past) for wanting another when there are some who may never get the opportunity. I know how blessed I am. However, the desire to grow our family weighs heavily on both of our hearts (my hubby longs to add to our family as well) and we truly believe that God would not place such a passion in our hearts if He did not have plans to fulfill them. So please…don’t tell us to just be content with what we have. Also please don't tell us to "just adopt." It's not that simple...My hubby and I are very open to adoption and just like last time, we continue to pray about this option but do not feel led at this time to pursue this route. 

It’s so important for me to be able to be open about infertility. It is a real medical issue that is expensive, often requires life style changes, medication, and sometimes results in surgical and/or other invasive medical procedures…and yet, unlike diabetes or cancer, most insurances in most states do not cover anything related directly to infertility. I need to talk about this. I need to advocate. I need to let others know they are not alone.


2. This brings me to the next thing I’ve changed this go around. I’m reaching out. I’m learning what is available to me and what may or may not be beneficial. I changed medical professionals so that I was getting better care and I’m regularly trying to connect with others dealing with infertility. It doesn’t matter if you’ve been trying for 6 months or 6 years, every negative test and failed attempt breaks yet another piece of you. Ironically, it's been through this experience that I've found out just how strong I can be...

 

As a Christian, I sincerely believe God has a plan for my life and that His timing is perfect. I also believe however that due to sin’s presence in this world, there are things that we will face that require extra assistance. Infertility is one of those things. I’ve learned so much and have found a growing amount of support from connecting with others who are also facing infertility. 

 

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3. Getting in the Word. When we were TTC our daughter, my faith really fell into a dark, mediocre place. I prayed continually until I didn’t feel like I even knew what to say any more. There were times when I felt like my prayers were bouncing off the floor of Heaven. Was God really listening? The answer to that is yes. His love for me is woven through this journey we’ve been on and He will continue to rain down His love and grace on us as we carry on.

I’m in the beginning stages of starting a new Bible Study. I am SO EXCITED! God has brought some amazing women in my life and together we are going to start this journey in the Word. We can’t make it through all that infertility throws at us without a foundation in scripture. This is probably the most important aspect of my healing and motivation to continue hoping even when every part of me is tired of doing so. I need those precious reminders of His love and I need His words to rebuke the lies that Satan repeatedly tries to impress upon my heart and mind.

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I write all of this to say that I’ve also felt led to do a little blog series on Infertility Hurdles. Such topics will include (but not limited to) infertility’s impact on relationships, the physical, emotional and mental strain, and self-care. I hope you’ll join me as I begin this outreach opportunity. I am not an expert and can only provide insight from my perspective, experience and research. I don't pretend to know everything about the struggle. My journey is my own just as yours is to you. However, if anything I've experienced can make just one person feel encouraged than I've used the pain for good. It is a part of my testimony.

If you are struggling with infertility, please feel free to contact me. I truly feel God has brought me through something that I can no longer dismiss, especially since we are facing it once again. Don’t fight this alone. Get mad. Allow yourself to cry…but don’t lose hope.

Monthly Weight Loss Update

If you remember in my last post, I didn't have any thrilling news...which is okay. You win some and lose some and while I wish I was losing more than what I am, I'm proud of small victories. I gained a few pounds last month and it was my goal to get them off. Of the four pounds that packed themselves on I have lost 3 of them. That puts me back at a 20lb loss.

Even greater still are the discoveries I made this past week. I decided that with school starting, and since I have not bought new clothes in ages (I am currently still wearing clothes that I bought after graduating collage), a little shopping trip was in order. Having lost 20lbs, many of my clothes do not fit like they once did. This is a good and bad thing. Some of my pants now fit as they should while other pairs literally fall off of me.

Now, when it comes to pants, I've always had a problem buying a pair that fits just right. This is simply because those that make pants must assume that women with my waist size have hips to boot. I do not. There is nothing "hippy" about me. How does this relate to my discovery?

Well, I ventured into Old Navy to purchase a couple of tops. They were having a sale on their khakis. The pair that I had bought last from ON fit fine prior to the weight loss. They now require a belt if they are to be worn. While these pants originally fit better than most, I still looked like I had wings where my invisible hips were supposed to be.

My first discovery was the Diva Everyday Bootcut Khaki pants. Love! They are designed for the souls like me with straighter figures. (Don't get me wrong, I have curves. They are just in the wrong places.) I love how they hug me in all the right places.

My second discovery was the size. I could wear a size smaller!!! Talk about an embarrassing happy dance! I was so excited! While to some this is nothing, to me this was a huge accomplishment! I have not put on a pair of pants this size since high school.

This got me excited and I added a couple more pieces to my work wardrobe (pardon the pictures. I'm horrible at selfies.)

This has given me a new sense of motivation. I'm making a few food choice changes. I've been reading through The Low GI Guide to Living Well with PCOS (again) and I have decided to get back on track with a diet that includes more PCOS friendly foods. Remember, when I say diet, I'm not referring to starving myself. I am referring to the types of food I eat.

I've made a few changes to my menu that include low glycemic foods, which means less dairy, more whole grains, fruits, veggies and lean proteins. There is a balance and I am working towards that. Low glycemic foods break down more slowly, leaving you feeling fuller longer, and helps reduce the surge of insulin that is often produced with starchier foods. You can view a pretty comprehensive list of Low GI foods here.

The final discovery I made while perusing the good ol' internet, is the Food Swap tool by the Glycemic Index Foundation.

You can also find more resources on my Living with PCOS board.

So here's to hoping for good things in August.

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Thoughts on Thursday

Where do you find your strength?

It's a question that has been posed to me by fellow bloggers, my devotional, and friends. There is a saying, "When the going gets tough, the tough get going." But where do they go? I can't speak for everyone, nor would I want to, but I think it's important to know where one's strength comes from so that when your hope is running low and your faith is temping luke warm, you'll know where to run. You'll know the reservoir in which to plunge.

Everyone has at least one battle they're facing. Some find comfort in sharing their struggles while others resort to dealing with things alone. A couple years ago my husband and I were facing the same battle that we are facing now...a long, undesired stay in the Land of Infertility. I promise not to bore you with our woes. Instead, I want to share with you the well from which we drink.

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Long ago, though at different ages and miles apart, my husband and I gave our lives to the Lord. We asked forgiveness for our sins and trusted the Lord with every aspect of our lives. As we grew in age and faith, our faith was tested, our dreams were realized, and our lives took unexpected directions along the way.

As I came closer to graduating high school I knew the course I was on. God had made things abundantly clear. Upon entering college various situations tested my faith, toyed with my anxiety, and made me question my choices. Did God once leave me to wander? No. While there were times it seemed as though He was absent or sitting silently, truth be told, He was waiting with open arms. Each time I came to Him with my fears, questions, or frustrations, He was there to guide me. These things led me to working at a Christian camp for 3 summers (where I met my amazing husband), a change in my college major, and a giant leap of faith that resulted in a big move.

When I sit back and look at my journey thus far, it becomes clearly evident that God's hand was in everything. It is still in everything. Even in our struggle with infertility.

It has rarely been easy to see the "sunny side" of things while dealing with the side effects of my medication. The countless pregnancy and birth announcements, while thrilling to my heart, also sadden it. Yet, never once has God not gone before me.

As we face this journey again, the time tables have been laid out before us. The "ifs" far out weigh the certainties. I've been thinking lately about how I can change this way of thinking. I'm trying to make a conscious effort to cling to what I know is certain.

I am certain that:
-God loves me
-God has the best for me
-I will face failure and trials
-I can't control circumstances but I can control my responses
-My life is filled with wonderful,  miraculous things
-I can contribute to the Kingdom
-I matter

While my heart still feels the ache, my stomach still sinks and my head tosses the past and future around constantly, I've also been continually reminded about God's goodness.

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Back to the Well. We here in the country generally rely on our wells to provide the water necessary for our everyday needs. It is a life line if you will. Take that literal image and go a step further. There is an account in the Bible of Jesus speaking to a woman at the city's well. There are many reasons why this was against reproach, but Jesus never shied away from tending to those who needed Him. This woman was no exception. At one point in their conversation He directs her to the Living Water that He offers. He offers Hope, Eternal Life, and a Promise for the future.

Jesus answered, “Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life.” John 4: 13-14

Read the full account in John 4.

This same Well is where my strength comes from. While there are times of desert and drought, my soul is forever quenched by the same Jesus who shared His love and wisdom with that woman so many centuries ago.

"The Lord will guide you always; He will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail." Isaiah 58:11

The Lord provides more than just scripture. As humans, we are tangible beings. He has provided me with a wonderful group of friends who, regardless if they understand our circumstances, pray for us. They send texts, emails, and cards at just the right time. I can't tell you how many times a random act of kindness has been just what I've needed to get over the hump of a tough day.

So when someone asks me where my strength comes from know that while I will have moments of weakness and I will shed tears of grief, I have hope. I find my strength in the Lord. He is my portion forever.

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Thanks for joining me for this week's Thoughts on Thursday. I hope you'll link-up with myself, Annie, Natalie and others. I look forward to seeing what's on your mind!

This Land is My Land

There is this world separate from everyday living. It is called the Land of Infertility. You need no passport to travel here; in fact, most of us arrive to this destination against our wishes. This trip can cost thousands and the emotional toll, while without a price tag, can be even more costly.

It is an all-encompassing journey.

As a Christian woman, I’ve always believed that I was made to procreate and nurture. Scripture even validates my belief…

Then God blessed them and said, “Be fruitful and multiply. Fill the earth and govern it.” Gen. 1:28a

When we encountered the reality that we were dealing with infertility, it was as if a load of bricks had been thrust upon me. I remember thinking: I saved myself for marriage. I waited for the one God had for me…I’ve tried to live according to God’s commands. How can this be? How is it that we can’t begin this family that we’ve so often talked about having? No body tells you growing up or during the "birds and bees" speech that you could face the possibility of infertility.

I struggled for over a year with these feelings and many others that I am not proud of. Jealousy ran rampart. I experienced depression. I avoided baby showers. I cried in public at the sight of pregnant women. I was not a good friend. I was in one of the darkest times of my life. It was a time that I have no doubt that Satan fed off of. 

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I cried constantly. My heart continually ached. It was a silent struggle in my life that very few had any inkling about. Some days I had to force myself to venture out.

We did receive an unexpected blessing. Out of the darkness our God shined brightly upon us and blessed us with a beautiful, healthy little girl. She is sincerely more precious and amazing than we could ever imagine.

 
April 2013

I’ve tried to be more open about my fears and concerns regarding adding to our family in the future. Countless times I’ve been told, “Well at least you already have one.” Yes. Praise God. And I am well aware that some may never know this joy. I’ve been left feeling guilty at times for wanting more children. I’ve always had a dream of a large family. People make comments or try to give advice or try to console, and while I appreciate the good intentions, I don’t want anyone to be offended when I don’t find comfort with your words. It’s a hard place to be in. It is a very difficult journey, whether you have been trying for 2 months or 12 years, it’s never easy.

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As I’ve been diving into the Word as of late, I’ve come across some similarities between my infertility journey and those in scripture. Take Sarah for instance. She was destined to bring forth a child that would influence and contribute to nations long after her life on earth was over. However, for years and on into very old age she remained barren. Her circumstances fed into feelings of anger and bitterness (Gen. 11:29) It was then that I realized, even this woman who was referred to as one of God’s most faithful (Heb. 11:11), faced a similar darkness. I was made acutely aware that there are lies. There are lies that Satan would have you dwell upon and believe. Those same lies are used to consume your hope and whittle away at your faith. Maybe you’ve heard some of these lies…

-You are alone.

-No one understands.

-You are not worthy of a child.

-It will never happen.

 

-You are broken.

These are ugly, ugly lies straight from the pit of hell. These lies creep into hearts, take root, and then grow thorns into your self-worth, your outlook on life, your marriage, your friendships, and family relationships.

In all honesty, I had gotten to a point where I avoided Sunday School because it was too painful to see all of my pregnant friends and to hear about their other children. Yes, it seems lame, but in my grief filled bubble, it was what I felt I had to do.

These lies fed my bitterness with each "unexpected/unplanned" pregnancy announcement. There were times that I thought the words, “we weren’t even trying” or “we got it on the first try” would kill me.

Like I said, it was a very dark time.

As we face the issues of infertility once again, I feel these same feelings trying to surface. I’ve been diving into scripture, persistently and boldly coming to God in prayer, and clinging to what I know is Truth. When I talk about hoping for more children in the near future, I often get the response, “you had one so you would think it would be easier this time.” You would think…but no. So while I know there will be more tears shed and more moments where I have to intentionally choose my joy over the past and current pain of disappointment, I am holding fast to several verses of scripture.

It is my hope that if you are living in the Land of Infertility, that you will seek God first. His best will be more than we can ever imagine. It is also essential that you talk about it. I have made a couple of wonderful friends through an infertility support group. Even if you only confide in one person, do it. This journey cannot be walked alone.

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I want to share with you several pieces of scripture that I have written down on both paper and my heart. I repeatedly come back to these verses as reminders of God’s goodness. I hope you’ll take time to focus on them, let them sink in; let them uproot the lies that you’ve allowed to grow in your heart and mind. Remember that you are never alone.

“Ah, Sovereign Lord, You have made the heavens and the earth by your great power and outstretched arm. Nothing is too hard for you.” Jeremiah 32:17

“Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful.” Hebrews 10:23

“You are my refuge and my shield; I have put my hope in Your word.” Psalm 119:114

“I wait for the Lord, my whole being waits, and in His word I put my hope.” Psalm 130:5

Jesus looked at them intently and said, “Humanly speaking, it is impossible. But with God everything is possible.” Matthew 19:26

Remember...when these feelings arise and reality is hard to process...you are not crazy. You're feelings are valid and above all, God is and always will be Sovereign.

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Monthly Weight Loss and Pictures

I won't even pretend that I've given a praiseworthy attempt at losing weight or accomplishing my goals this month. In fact, since I'm being completely honest, this month I hit a wall. I've been facing a weight loss plateau and I let it get the best of me. Curse this back and forth sway of 1-2lbs. I lost focus. I got caught up in the traveling, and while wonderful, I didn't eat like I should, nor exercise, during those times. I allowed being away from home to be my excuse for extra snacking and high calorie food options. I was on vacation!

We've also been facing some personal matters and I've found myself settling into old habits. More than once I caught myself turning to food for comfort. Remnants of my Emotional Eating surfaced but I refused to let them stick around.


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I've tried not to be too hard on myself...that would only crush what motivation I have left. While this last week has held many wonderful things, it has also held it's share of stress, anxiety and disappointment, but I did my best to not allow these feelings overrule my better judgment. I've gotten in a little more exercise this past week and I'm feeling better about greeting July (if you don't count the fact that half of my summer will be over ::tears::)

So while I wish I had amazing results to share with you this month...I do not. I know in order to move forward that I can't focus on "what I should have done."

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I did, however, have a memorable moment...my hubby and I took our first "real" date since the birth of our daughter over a year ago...and I wore "the dress". This dress has not been worn in almost 3 years. It fit better now than it ever has...I consider that a major accomplishment.

With all that being said, I've decided to take a step back from social media for a while. I feel that I need to be devoting myself more to some of my relationships and health and I need to get myself going forward in full motion again. I'll still be blogging, but maybe not as often and as for Facebook...don't be offended when I look clueless if you tell me about something you posted. More than likely I will have missed it. As much as I love reading updates, I have some updating that I need to do outside of the technological realm. God bless and I hope all of you are enjoying your summer!

 

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