El Roi: The God Who Sees

3 weeks have passed. Some days it seems like it has been months and other days it seems like it just happened. Time can be a complicated thing.

There have been times over the last couple of weeks that I’ve really struggled. I’ve cried tears as fresh as the first ones to fall. In those moments I have found myself wondering if God really sees me…I mean really sees me.

As a mother, my heart aches at the sound of my children’s cries. I want so badly to alleviate their hurt. I want their pain to stop. I see them. I come to them.

God is my Father. My Heavenly-made the cosmos-holds the world in His hands-Father. He loved me before anyone in the world knew of my existence. It only stands to reason that He sees me. After all, He is omniscient.

I recently read Genesis 16. It is the story of Hagar. Through circumstances beyond her control she becomes pregnant, is badly treated by her mistress, and runs away out of fear and anguish. In the moment she feels most alone, God sends His angel to her. He sends His comfort and instruction.

God saw her. He saw a woman grieving. He saw a heart aching with little relief. He saw a soul needing rest and peace.

As I mulled over this, I realized that although our pain and angst are the result of very different circumstances, we are very similar in how God sees us.

God sees me. He sees a woman grieving. He sees a heart aching with little relief. He sees my soul needing rest and peace.

In those moments, the God Hagar came to know as El Roi (The God Who Sees) reminded me that He is also the God who sees me. He sees my tears. He hears my silent prayers. He knows my anxieties. He knows me better than I know myself. He sees my past. He sees my present and He sees my future. He is in it all.

Just as He watches me, it is that much more important that I keep my eyes on Him. This world can be treacherous and Satan knows our weaknesses. He knows what keeps us up at night and he knows how to stir up worst case scenarios in our minds. He loves helping us jump to the “what ifs”. However, he is hindered when our eyes are on Christ. His foothold is broken.

“My eyes are ever on the Lord, for only He will release my feet from the snare.” Psalm 25:15

As I continue to work through the emotional wreckage, it is a comfort to know that He sees me. He will come to me. He will cover me with His wings.

“He will cover you with His feathers, and under His wings You will find refuge; His faithfulness will be Your shield and protection.” Psalm 91:4

Walking with Gideon: Where's the Proof?

This journey with Gideon continues to be enlightening. I'm still in awe of just how often I find myself relating to his thoughts.

Judges 6:17-23a

In the throws of life we find ourselves facing difficult decisions and we often seek out a definitive answer. Which way do we go? Which is the best option? What would You have me do God? In my experience, there have been a lot of times when these questions are answered with silence. This silence drives me towards God even more. I dive into His word and search the scriptures for words of direction. I pray for clarity.

When these times of "grey" enter into my life and I'm not sure what I should do or how I should respond or struggle with understanding the circumstances, I have often times ask God for proof. Sometimes it's proof of His hand in the situation or proof that I am doing what I should be doing (because apparently solely trusting in His control is too hard). I don't know why I make things more difficult for myself. Fortunately, (well maybe unfortunately) I am not the only one and I discovered that even Gideon had this same need for proof (v. 17).

We ask God to show Himself. We ask Him to wait on us (v.18). Maybe we think we need more time or more clarity, but really? Who are we talking to? We are talking to the Creator, the Great Physician, the Great I AM! And yet we are asking Him to wait on us. Just putting that into words reiterates just how crazy that really is. He is the time keeper. His timing is perfect and only in His time will all be revealed (which is admittedly difficult for impatient people like myself). Besides that, how many times has He proven Himself over and over again? Countless and yet we still insist that He "prove" Himself again. Boy are we a greedy bunch.

However, because of Who God is, we can trust Him to do this. He does wait on us at times and He does continue to reveal Himself to us. We in turn must prepare our hearts and minds to receive Him (v. 19). Gideon experienced God's presence and saw wonders performed that would leave no doubt that God was with Him (vv. 20-21).

When we find ourselves needing "proof" of God, God will provide. He uses the times of darkness, confusion and frustration to build us up and draw us to Him in ways that we would not have known otherwise. At the moment we fully turn ourselves and situations over to Him, an amazing thing happens. Are we still facing those same situations, thoughts and emotions? Yes. However, we recognize that we no longer face them alone and that God's hand is truly in the midst, maintaining a handle on even the most chaotic of situations. He is the Peace in the storm (v. 23a).

We all have our hurdles but our testimony and faith are built through these things. Some days we find ourselves totally at peace with what God is doing in our lives and at other times we wonder if He's even aware of what's going on in our lives. As situations arise I encourage you to seek after God and to ask Him to reveal Himself and His purpose to you in those times. He will bring to light an array of revelations that will astound. you.

(You can find past Walks here.)

Walking with Gideon: When We Doubt

I have uncovered so many treasures as I've walked with Gideon. I've only scratched the surface of his story so far and I already find myself examining aspects of my spiritual walk. His story once again proves that the battles we face have been going on for centuries and yet through it all our God has remained constant.

I've been really trying to focus on my blessings since my last walk with Gideon and I've been trying to be more Heaven minded. It's hard to do when your mind and heart struggle to comprehend things that we may never understand on this side of Heaven. Trying to channel into this mindset was a great way to enter into the next part of my reading.

Judges 6:11-16

 

I often ask the Lord "why?" Why am I going through this? What could Your purpose be? Why would You chose me? These broad questions become even more specific as I focus on the doubts and anxieties that I have had surrounding our infertility and raising our child (and future children) in a broken world. Just like Gideon in verse 13, I've questioned why things have happened to us. If I serve such a mighty God and I am trying to serve Him as best I can, why does it appear (appear being the key word) that evil profits?  It's easy to feel abandoned when you don't get immediate answers.

As I focused on these questions, I had a moment of clarity. The "whys" of this world are tied to earthly longings. I've overlooked the fact that my ultimate goal and reward will be received in Heaven. I will be honored for living a life pleasing to God when I meet Him face to face. While it's hard to wrap my mortal brain around such supernatural truths, it helps me be a little more okay with not understanding and it gives me the courage and drive to continue on.

With that in mind, it can be difficult to remember that not only does God send and guide us on our journey, but he goes before us. When Gideon questioned how God would use him in verse 14, the Lord told him to go with the strength that he has and to remember that God was sending him. God does not question our ability to conquer our doubts and fears because after all, He is the one with us, providing our strength, equipping us to face the battle.

::via::

We often accept these things as head knowledge but don't let them become heart knowledge. How often have I been reminded of what I know of God's character only to question Him? Gideon plays the same game. Instead of focusing on his strength and ability through Christ, he focuses on his own weaknesses (v. 15). There have been many times throughout our TTC journey that I have felt like a broken piece of machinery. There is something wrong with me that meds attempt to correct and doctors monitor. I'm certain God has used these things to assist me on my way and ultimately He has used these things to further His purpose. In the case of our infertility He led me to new doctors that finally diagnosed my condition correctly and had a wealth of knowledge that finally provided answers. He brought me to professionals that could give me a plan.

In the darkest of those moments I've found myself needing to just sit and be still. It continues to be in those moments that God reminds me that He will be with me (v. 16). Everyday we encounter obstacles that challenge our faith. It's important that we focus our hearts and minds on the reminders that God provided for Gideon and remain true to this day...
1. He is orchestrating the journey.
2. He will be with us through it all.

What are you questioning God about right now?

Does it change your perspective to know that God is going before you and everything that you will encounter has been sieved through His hands?

Walking with Gideon

To say I'm over these infertility issues would be an understatement. This week has been very challenging for a variety of reasons and the emotional roller coaster has taken its toll. As I was driving to work the other morning I felt this urging to read the story of Gideon. It has been a long time since I've ventured into the book of Judges to read his story and I felt it all really random...but God is not random. As I've begun to revisit Gideon's story I've been reminded of the story's themes of struggle, hope, faith, fear, courage and the ability to overcome. These are common themes along the journey of infertility as well. I still wasn't sure what God would have for me...how on Earth could an account about a man defeating armies connect with my female aches for wanting a child? I'm not sure where this scripture study will take me but I'm already captivated by the things that God has brought to light. I hope you'll join me as I walk with Gideon through his story.

I hope to post my thoughts about my study as I go. It is also my hope that you'll find something to connect with and that you'll find, like me, that God can use any circumstance for His glory if we're willing to trust Him.

Judges 6:1-10

To give a little background, the Israelites had been delivered into the hands of the Midianites for the wickedness of their people. The Israelites were so fearful of the Midianites that they hid themselves in the mountain caves. Their crops and livestock were destroyed or taken by the armies and finally, as a last ditch effort for survival, they called out to God for help. (vs. 1-6)

How often do we try and take things into our own hands only to be left with nothing? Far to frequently I find myself trying to control those things in which I have no control and I end up only making matters worse. Instead of binding my heart to the Word, I hide myself in moments of emotional eating, sadness, bitterness and anxiety. It is in these moments that I find myself (finally) calling out to the Lord. It seems ridiculous to go to God as a last resort than as our first and best option...and yet we do. Cursed human nature.

I'm a Type A person and I thrive on structure and predictability. Did I ever think I'd have trouble conceiving a child? No. I had a plan and waiting through countless failed efforts does not fair well for someone with my lack of patience. God has grown me in ways that I could not imagine through this infertility journey and I know that I still have so much to learn. He is far from done with me. Our God is a loving and gracious God and because of these things, He allows us to make our choices. I can choose to wallow in sadness with each failed cycle or I can go to Him with my heartache and allow Him to mend that which is broken. Neither of these options are easy but it makes sense to choose the one that will have the most beneficial outcome.

As I read through the beginnings of this chapter I couldn't help but think about our current infertility struggles. I'm becoming emotionally spent. Infertility can have an oppressive power. It affects every aspect of your life. It can affect the way you eat, spend your time and money and how you look and feel about your future.

Like the Israelites, we often lose sight of the blessings we've already received (vs. 8-9). We forget the countless times that He has delivered us. The Israelites also turned their worship towards pagan gods. I'll be honest, when facing infertility it's very easy to get caught up in putting your faith and hope into other things...all of which hold promise to help you bear children...such as medications, doctors, alternative medicine and treatments, etc. I've often found myself placing so much hope into the medication I take or the way in which my cycle chart looks that I lose sight of God's hand in the situation. Do you see the common misstep (vs. 7-10)? Like the ancients, I know my God is amazing and can do all things and yet I don't always place my faith and hope in the One who can fill my heart's desires. He is my deliverer and has an amazing plan for my life if only I will allow Him to lead me.

In just a few short verses I have been challenged in some amazing ways.

-Where am I trying to hide?

-Where is my hope, really?

-How would it feel to allow God to take control and rest in His sovereignty?

Maybe you are facing similar circumstances. I encourage you to join me in this study of Gideon. There is no doubt that there are more treasures to be uncovered.



Go To What You Know

This week has held a lot of highs and lows for me on a personal level. In venting to my amazing (and I can't stress that enough) best bud, I was given some advice. I know she will be rolling her eyes because of her humble heart when I say this, but she is truly a source of reason and sensibility. I never face judgment and I always hear truth. Tonight's tidbit?  "Go to what you know..."

 

::via::



Sitting here alone this evening, I've had a little bit of time to reflect on those five words. With what has been on my heart and mind these past few days, it just seems timely and completely appropriate that I focus on what I know as reminders to get me through these moments. This is not an exhaustive list but it is a place to start...It is my hope that you'll find encouragement, just as I have, through the power and truth of God's Holy Word.

::via::

-His mercies are new. Whatever short comings I face today (and I admit this week has been filled with many mommy fails, wife fails, friend fails, etc.) His love and mercy endures. He finds me where I am and will not leave me there to wander.

Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,
    for his compassions never fail. They are new every

morning; great is your faithfulness.

Lam. 3:22-23

-This too shall pass. The things that I'm facing today, tomorrow, haunts from yesterday...all of them are fleeting. They are moments in my life that God can use to mold me. They are also moments that I can use to glorify God, build my testimony and deepen my faith.

For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long.  Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever.  So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen.  For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever.

2 Cor. 4:17-18

-There is victory. Regardless of disappointments, short comings, and the like, there is victory in Jesus.

But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.

1 Cor. 15:57

-I am blessed beyond measure, even when my heart hurts.

But blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord,
whose confidence is in him.
They will be like a tree planted by the water
that sends out its roots by the stream.
It does not fear when heat comes;
its leaves are always green.
It has no worries in a year of drought
and never fails to bear fruit.

Jer. 17:7-8

Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

Matt. 5:4

 

 

-His timing is perfect.

Delight yourself in the LORD and He will give you the desires of your heart.

Ps. 37:4

 

::via::

 

Eyes and Ears

::via::

I've been at home since Friday (with the exception of a doctor's appointment) with our daughter. She's been fighting a vicious virus for the last few days and we've been battling a relentless fever. At it's peak, her temperature maxed out at 103.4. Yesterday it stayed around 102. Finally, today, it has stayed between 98-100. Did I mention that she is also cutting three teeth at the moment? Needless to say, I've been continually disinfecting and trying to keep her hydrated. Thankfully, her appetite and willingness to drink began to come back last night.

In the midst of caring for our clingy one-year old, I began to tackle our office. I have about 11 days to get it turned into a playroom. I'm hosting a new Life Group at our home and one of the needs that must be met is a place for the kids to play while we meet...plus, I'm sure G would love to have a playroom and I know we will love having the majority of her toys and books in a location other than the middle of the living room...but more on that later. While going through some of the things on our shelves, I ran across my high school yearbooks. Oh the memories.

I flipped through my senior yearbook and ran across the quote that I had selected to represent me in the Senior Section. I chose Philippians 4:8.

"Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things."

 

I reflected fondly on most of my time in high school and then found a safe place to put those memories. This morning, however, that verse came back to mind. Missing out on fellowship with my church family is not something we do often, but in cases like this, it is necessary. So, while singing "Jesus Loves Me" with G this morning I began thinking about how I can't wait to hear her sing those words someday. These sentiments carried through to lunch when she began using the phrase "uh-oh" in full force. She has a limited vocabulary outside of her constant babbling, but today "uh-oh" was added to the list (which also consists of "buh" for bug, "nana" for all things food, "this" for anything she points at besides food and bugs, "momma", "da-da" and the occasional "zizzies" when pointing at the kitties or "duh" for the dogs.

I had to giggle at her "uh-ohs" and then the God moment came. The verse I had reflected on yesterday came back to mind. G is picking up on all of the things that she hears. Are the words that she is hearing True? Noble? Lovely? Admirable? It's easy to overlook her little ears when the radio is playing or if the television is on. I do not use profanity and try to keep myself mindful of what I say regardless of whether or not G is around. I try to be an example always...granted I am human. I have flaws and despite my best efforts, I still mess up.

Since having G, from the time we brought her home, I have become acutely aware of what is being said/shown on television and movies. My husband is a die hard action movie lover and unfortunately it does not seem that you can watch one of those films without continuous vulgar language and inappropriate scenes of  violence and nudity. While I know G will be exposed to these things at some point in her life, I want to shield her while I can. I also want to ensure that I am setting a good example. I, like all Christian parents, fight evil everyday in the name of my child (and all other children). That doesn't make me a superhero. It makes me a mom, a woman, seeking God's heart and will in my life, in the life of my daughter and in my family. Taking a stand and making steps in the right direction can be as easy as changing the channel. We don't have the television on very often and when it is you'll usually find it on the Disney Channel or Food Network. However, I can honestly say that those are not ALWAYS on our television. We each have to decide what we are willing to allow in our homes.

To help get you started, make a point to be conscientious with what you watch, whether in front of  your children or not. When it comes to television you can easily change the channel. As for movies, I've become diligent in checking ratings and the reasons for those ratings. I use the wonderful website

Kids-In-Mind*

 

This website shows reviews as well as the amounts of and types of sex/nudity, violence/gore, profanity, substance abuse and discussion topics. I highly recommend using this prior to watching or renting your next film. Advocate for the good of your family.

::via::

(*I was not compensated in anyway for recommending this website.)

Hello One-derland! Part 1

G is 1!!!

 

 

In May 2011 we began our TTC journey. After battling PCOS induced infertility, we finally welcomed two pink lines. We were ecstatic! At 37 1/2 weeks our little girl made her way into the world. Our lives were transformed in an instant. Her first cry was the most beautiful sound in the world. She had her father's face and the most perfect little fingers and toes. Our sleepy little platinum blond has since grown into a spunky, independent red-head. She may look like her daddy but she has her mommy's personality. As we mourn reflect on the passing of her first year, we look forward to what is to come. God has been so good to us. He remained faithful even when we felt like we were not. He listened to our silent prayers at the moments we could not utter them or did not know what to pray for. Through it all, He continued to prove His love for us and gave us more than we could ever ask for.

 

2013

2014

 

Plans for her party began a few weeks ago. I slowly began gathering items. I fell in love with several bunny themed items, although I was determined not to have her party look "Eastery". I wanted to avoid an Easter egg overload. I instead just went with a Spring theme that incorporated fun colors and of course, a bunny or two.

Although the timing wasn't prime for many due to Easter being the next day, we decided to have her party on the day of her actual birthday. Her day began with hugs and kisses from her aunt and Granna who came from Georgia to celebrate with us.

 

 

 

We then gathered her things and her Easter basket and headed out to our pastor's house for our church's annual Easter Egg Hunt and the telling of the Easter Story. Here are a few pictures from that morning.

G with her daddy...ready to hunt eggs!

She could not decide if she liked her eggs in or out of the basket better...

Our little birthday bunny!

Our pastor always shares the Easter Story prior to the Egg Hunt

 

 I then left G and my hubby to head to the church fellowship hall to begin decorating for G's party...I'll be posting party prep and birthday celebration pictures soon!!! Keep an eye out for Hello One-derland Part 2!

Silent Moments

You know those moments...those God moments? The kind that hit you in the silence and yet seem so loud when His presence touches your heart? I love those moments. I cherish those moments. I need those moments. There are times in my life like the present when my relationship with Christ seems a bit more quiet than at other times. While I know He's there, I feel distant.

I know I'm to blame because He is always there. Though I may not hear Him, He is speaking and listening to my heart. While I may feel alone in my thoughts, He is aware of every. single. one. Last night the house was still. The baby was sleeping peacefully across the hall and my husband was gone on a fire call. It was just me in the silence.

While getting ready for bed, I felt prompted to pick up my old Bible. My mom gave me this Bible in 2000...hard to believe it's 14 years old. The cover was slightly dusty, but it felt just like I remembered. Suddenly, all of the anxiety and past emotions that have been rising to the surface this week were stilled. I just sat there...in the silence. A couple of books from the New Testament were falling out from years of use and the pages were filled with underlines, highlighter, notes in the margins and post-it notes. I was reminded of all of the joy and tears that I had poured over those pages. I remembered the moments of peace that the underline passages provided at just the right time.

In those few moments I felt so at peace despite the angst that I've been carrying. I felt God's presence fill the room. In those silent moments I was reminded that even though my heart battles the past and hopes for the future, He has given me the present. I decided to open that Bible and focus on the first thing my eyes ran across. The book fell open to Proverbs 19:21.

 

Many plans occupy the mind of a man, but the Lord's purposes will prevail.

So very timely. I sat and stared at the words on the page. I let them soak into my soul, swirl into my mind, and take root in my heart. While I still cling to things hoped for, I am learning to let go. My life is a continuous example of what God can do with a life. His work is woven throughout my life's story. His protection, His guidance, His goodness...all of those things and more weave the thread that holds this imperfect person together.

I eagerly seek more silent moments. It's often in those moments that He speaks the loudest.

If the Jeans Fit

It came time to post my monthly weight loss update and I was proud to see the goals I've achieved over the last month. It's tough work. I was not graced with "skinny genes" and because of that, I do  not sport skinny jeans. For the longest time it was even difficult to wear my regular jeans. I was determined to get back into my clothes after G was born. Everything you read and everything your doctor tells you indicates that it takes about 9 months to put on the baby weight and we should expect it to take about that long to get it off.

The weight I've lost is post-baby weight...which is a huge accomplishment for me. Another huge accomplishment came yesterday morning. I only own a few pairs of jeans in the first place, and considering I'm behind on laundry...I thought I had washed at least one pair but it turned out that I had grabbed a pair of my hubby's instead. ::sigh:: What to do? It was casual Friday at work...I didn't want to waste a jean day! I stumbled upon a pair of jeans that I haven't been able to wear in about 2 years...not even before baby. I guess I kept them in hope of wearing them again someday...maybe? I almost didn't put them on because I was not up for more disappointment, but something inside said, "go for it!"

::via::

I slipped them on...and without laying myself flat on the bed...they zipped!!! While they are not 100% comfortable, they readily zipped and brought a huge smile to my face. Talk about motivation! These past couple of days I've really slacked when it comes to portions, tracking and exercise. With a sick husband and baby, the majority of my focus has been on getting them well and work.

I'm back on track today and I'm feeling good. The house has gotten a bit out of hand this week and I have a lot to get done before church and our lunch company tomorrow. The baby is now down for her nap and I just had to share.

If you're like me and you sometimes need that little boost, do what you must to find it. Don't give up and undo all of the success that you've achieved. If I can do this, so can you.

By the way, one week from today I'll be joining many others in the HoosHeal 5k with my friend Shannon. It's hard to believe that it is almost here! I haven't trained as much as I'd hoped to but I'm still feeling pretty good about it. I'll finish. The. End.

In a related thought, I ran across this funny picture while browsing Pinterest the other day. I had to laugh but then it got me thinking...I don't want my daughter to ever see my happiness or lack there of based on the numbers on a scale. It just reiterated the importance of gaining a healthy self image as I also try to gain a healthier body. Praise God for simple truths.

::via::

Liking the Hard to Love

This week has brought about a roller coaster of emotions. Between looking back on "what would have been" and looking forward to "what could be", my heart and mind have been on overload. You add to that the fact that the crazies have come out of the wood work this week, I'm done. Praise the Lord it is the weekend.

With all of the criticism, bad attitudes and hurtful words that I've experienced this week, I've had to do a "check up from the neck up" as my Sunday School teacher would say. It would be so easy to fall into bitterness and bite back...but such does not please the heart of my God. Instead, I've had to step back and remember a few simple truths...

These people were put in my life for a reason. Whether I like it or not, God has ordained our connections. He knew I would encounter these people and he knew these times would come. Because of this, I've had to both hold back and move forward. The truth is, either they or I are meant to learn something from all of this.

 

 

::via::

 

 

Words hurt. I do my best to remain truthful but tactful. Others do not. I'm always amazed at how hurtful and hateful some people can be. This week I've been floored by some of the words that have alluded to personal opinions of me. This has taken its toll on me. I abide by the "do unto others" and sometimes it is hard to treat others the way I know the Lord expects me to treat them. It's times like this that I am so grateful for those who truly know me, love me, and give encouragement when it's needed.

::via::

 

I am called to love everyone...that doesn't mean I like them. While this may sound a bit contradictory, I stand by it. I am called to love everyone, and I do my best to love them where they are. God forgives me moment by moment and loves me in spite of my flaws. It is only right that I do the same. Does that mean He likes everything I do? No. This rings true in my own life. I've had to remind myself almost daily this week that I am meant to love these people, though they hurt or offend. That does not mean I have to like their actions, attitudes, or remarks.

::via::

 

Cling to the good. My God is good. My husband is good. My daughter is good. There are so many wonderful things in my life that can be easily overshadowed if I don't keep myself in check. Thanks to mercy and grace, each morning I wake up is a new day to make big and small contributions towards the Kingdom. Despite the week it has been, I am reminded that my God is enough. He will sustain me through these tough times. I will count it all joy.

::via::