A Letter to My Daughter: If You Face Infertility

My dearest Tink,

I sit next to you as you paint a picture. Blues, purples and greens fill the page. So beautiful. So innocent. As your mother, I want to shield you from pain and fear. If I could maneuver the world for you, I would. I would fight every battle and guard your heart. I would do all of this and more.

However, it is my responsibility to raise you in a manner that prepares you for the uncertainties that you will face. I will not always be able to be there and I need to help you gain skills and confidence to fight your own battles. I am charged with raising you to be a contributing citizen of society and above all, I am to teach you and show you what it means to have a heart for Jesus in hope that one day, you too, will know Him as your Savior.

I want you to know my darling, that you were wanted and loved long before we knew you. We prayed constantly for your existence. We battled infertility and through Christ, victory was ours. He gave us you!

Infertility is a diagnosis that I pray you never experience. I was never told about it. The fact that having children one day would be difficult was never expressed to me. That is why, my beautiful girl, I am sharing this with you. I do not want you blindsided. I do not want you to fear the unknown. I want you to embrace your journey, no matter what it brings. I know at your mere 4 years old, the idea of becoming a mom does not go beyond dressing up your dolls, but one day it will. One day you may desire to be a mother and I want you to not be afraid or overwhelmed if things do not go as planned.

The greatest lesson I have learned through our journey to you is that God is good, no matter what. No matter the ache, the amount of medication or bloodwork, no matter the number of empty ultrasounds...God is good. He has a plan for you my sweet child. He has an amazing and abundant life laid out before you. Does that mean it will be blissful always? Most certainly not. The Bible tells us so, but it also tells us that He goes before us and prepares our way.

No matter what may lie ahead of you, I want you to know these things:
-You are a precious jewel. God has created you and prepared a journey for you that He knows you can handle with Him by your side.
-You are loved. There may be moments that your heartbreak is so fierce and the ache is so strong that you feel unlovable or unloved. Rebuke these lies.
-Your trials have purpose. I struggled to accept this in our wait for you. I did not want to believe that I "had" to go through this. I did not want to go through it. I simply wanted you. God grew me and your daddy through our battle with infertility. He changed our hearts and opened our eyes. We came out better for having gone through the pain.
-You are never alone. You will always have me and your daddy. Above all, you have a big and mighty God in your corner.

My beautiful little darling...I want you to know that no matter what circumstances you may face, whether infertility or something else, those circumstances do not define you. Who you are in Christ is how you are defined, and in His eyes (and ours) that is nothing short of amazing.

I rebuke the throws of infertility in your life. I claim health and wholeness. I speak prosperity and wellness in the name of Jesus. I claim goodness in your life my sweet girl.

You will forever be my always.

With all my love,
Mommy

Linking up for Mommy Moments

Family Time: Quality vs. Quantity

Quality and quantity are two words that a lot of people want to interchange, but these two words mean very different things.

According to the online Merriam-Webster dictionary, QUALITY means "a high level of value or excellence." QUANTITY means "a number or amount of something." As families, it is wonderful when we can incorporate both, but often times we find ourselves thinking that the quantity is more important than the quality.

We often think that if we have our children and/or ourselves involved in multiple activities, groups, and organizations, then we are living life at its optimum level. Eventually we crash and we realize we missed out on a lot of important things with our children. Things that only we could appreciate if we were to spend some true parent-child time together.

Think about how you are treating time with your children. We can be present without actually present. It is essential, no matter how much or how little time we can allot with our children, that we are truly into what is going on with them. Make sure your children know they are being heard. I know when we are multitasking we often throw out the general "yeah" and "oh really?" and "uh-huh" with the occasional nod in an attempt to seem interested. Our children are not dumb. They can detect sincerity. I've seen this with my own children and even with my students. A couple minutes of  one-on-one, devoted conversation can change the course of a child's day. Let them be heard.

::via::

This world would have us believe we need to constantly look out for number one. I'm reminded regularly that this is not so. This type of mentality continues to lead to problems the world over and we can begin breaking the cycle in our own homes. We can begin by listening to our children. We can begin showing them that they really do matter.

My husband has been super short staffed at work for the last few months. He works multiple 72 hour shifts, often with only a day or two in between at home. His work keeps him away from home and our three year old misses him dearly. On the days he is off, he tries to take advantage of that time. He may take her out for a Daddy-Daughter date for ice cream. He may take her to the park to play. He may rent a movie that she wants to see, make some popcorn, and watch it with her. Sure he could leave her to her own devices while he sits and relaxes in his reclining chair, but instead, he involves her. We are far from perfect parents but we try to make a valiant attempt to make memories with our children. We don't want them to remember us as just being there. We want them to remember us as involved, in tune, and completely in love with who they are.

If we strive to imitate Christ, we will find these attempt more like second nature. Our Savior does not cast aside because He has one thousand other, more important, things going on. He ensures that He devotes intentional time for each of His children. I'm not saying we should compare ourselves to God, because we would never even come close. The point is to strive to follow His example. If He deems time with His children so important, then I believe so should we. I encourage you to take a moment or two and step back. Look at what time with your children looks like. Be intentional. Be involved. Be imitators of Christ.

Linking up with Mommy Moments

What's Going Right

I've been allowing myself to be bogged down by a lot lately. I've been focused on all that is going wrong. I've been anxious about all that "might or might not" happen. I've permitted all of the things that are not going as I'd wished to squash the joy that comes when I focus on what is going right.

During my devotional this morning I was hashing out my feelings to God and in a split second, one of those sobering God moments, I was reminded of two things.

1. My trials are filled with purpose.

Truth be told, it is easier to wallow in our frustrations than it is to find the good in our difficulties. Who doesn't love a good pity party? Having been a frequent [pity] party goer lately, I know all too well how misery loves company. I also know how one party leads to another and another and before we know it, we are no longer living a joy-filled life. It's time I throw away the constant invitations to these parties. I no longer need to RSVP. I simply need to toss them to the wind and live joy-filled.

2. There are things going right!

At the end of my devotional time, I was led to make a list of what is actually going right. The timing might not be mine, the outcomes might not be what I'd hoped for, but there are things going right. 

I find that despite what I'd like for timing and end results, the Lord's way is perfect, both in timing and plan.

Here is just a sample of my "What's going right..." list:

-My children are healthy

-Good marriage

-Jobs

-Positive preschool experience

-Temporary living secured

-Temporary homes for our pets

-My mom is now in VA permanently

-Food on the table

-Clothes to wear

-Bills paid

-Wonderful news from friends and family

-Friendships

My list could go on and on...if you were to take time to look at all that is going right in your life, what would be on your list?

I hope you'll take a moment to remember the blessings you have in your life. Even in our lowest moments, there are still people suffering more than ourselves. Remember, what you now take for granted, someone else is still praying for.

Your Heart's Cry is Heard

It will be 4 years this coming October since my grandpa passed. It was such a bittersweet time. My heart aches at the thought that he will never meet his beautiful great grandchildren on this side of heaven. I remember telling him that we were expecting a baby. He was in the hospital at the time and little did I know how little time we'd have left with him. I can still see hear the sadness that accompanied his congratulations as we both knew he would probably not be here to meet his first great granddaughter. I miss him.

Since that time our family and those close to us have experienced and are continuing to experience the inevitable pain of loss. Whether it is expected or unexpected the end result is the same. We end up with a hole in our hearts that we feel will never be filled again and yet, through God's Redemption, we are able to find peace and comfort if we allow it to penetrate.

Some days are harder than others but we survive. Some days we struggle to wake up and other days we struggle to fall asleep. I am reminded as I pray over family and friends that God hears the cries of our hearts. While the pain would lead us to believe that He has abandoned us, He has not. While the world would lead us to believe that we must take our pain and anger and our feelings of injustice into our own hands, that is not the case. We have a redeeming, loving, merciful and gracious Savior who longs to fill the void. He wants to comfort you. He wants to bring peace and He wants to restore what you feel is so broken.

He hears our heart's cry and while death is a result of sin, so is God's redeeming love for those of us who know Christ as our Savior. We can be reassured that as long as those who go before us also know Him, we can rest in that we will see them again. While our time here on Earth can seem so painful, the glory that lies ahead cannot be fathomed. The importance of not only forming a relationship with Christ for our own sake, but leading those we love most (and those we may not even know) to the arms of the Savior is equally important. It is the knowledge of salvation and the belief in restoration that will provide comfort when we are left to mourn those who have gone before us.

Take heart...in those moments when you are broken without the words to speak, know that Heaven hears your heart's cry.

Linking up for Mommy Moments

Date Night: August 2016

In January my husband and I committed to dating each other this year. This meant that we'd set aside one day or evening to purposefully go on a date with one another. This would require planning around his schedule and the kids, and so far, it has worked. Our June and July "dates" were more like "hey, let's grab a bite before going home from Lowes." We've been super busy and these past two months have reminded us why this time together is so important. With August winding down, we needed to get a date on the calendar. Every weekend was taken by his work schedule so we dared to opt for a weeknight. I know, we're such rebels. My in-laws came and watched the kids and we were off.

I've lived in our little part of VA for 9 years now and I've still yet to visit all of the local favorites. We decided to try Robin Alexander's. It's a lovely bistro set in downtown.

We loved the atmosphere. It was a place you could get a little dressed up for, but would find yourself perfectly comfortable in a pair of jeans. And the food...the food was delish.

We started off with their wings as an appetizer. We chose bone-in.

My husband chose a specialty drink as well since this place is known for its drinks. He got the James and the Giant peach martini. I don't personally drink but he said it was excellent.

We then chose our main courses. Their menu is pretty versatile and it was hard to make a selection. We eventually decided to try their gourmet burgers.

I loved their Big Kahuna Burger. It's a delicious combo of Hawaiian flavors.

My hubby tried their Bison Burger. Yum!

The meal did not disappoint and our time together was much needed. I'm really looking forward to our next date.

Linking up for Mommy Moments

School Lunch Toddler Edition: August

School days are in full swing around here. Our 3 year old began preschool this year and is loving every minute. With three of us needing to leave the house by 7am so that I can drop off baby boy at the sitter and G at her preschool, I needed to find a way to shave off some minutes in the morning so that we aren't running frantically out the door. My friend was telling me how she has started prepping her kids' meals for the week. The week! I typically try to do them each night, but if I'm too tired, I convince myself that I can just get them done in the morning. This clearly has not been working...so I decided to give this weekly meal prep thing a go.

I try to carve out about an hour of time on Sunday evening to compile all of the meals. It does not typically take this long unless I need to make muffins or something else that needs to bake so that it can be frozen for future meals. We are going on week 3 and I like the way things have been playing out. The prep takes a little time but it is well worth it. I have chosen to rotate out the same 5 meals each week for the month. G eats breakfast at home before heading to preschool and N eats at the sitter. Their breakfasts vary but are quick (and I try to keep them generally healthy-protein packed and full of whole grains- as much as possible.)

Here are the meals that I've been rotating out for August. I hope this will help you save a little sanity in your crazy, beautiful life.

The Pumpkin Muffin recipe can be found here.

Linking up for Mommy Moments

It May Never Stop Hurting: An Infertility Truth

To those of you still waiting on your miracle, this post is in no way meant to seem selfish. The Lord has given the desires of my heart and I am trusting Him to give me a sense of completion when our family has reached His goal for us. I by no means want to come across as ungrateful or greedy. Our journey is part of our testimony, just as your journey is your own. Please know that my heart goes out to you in your time of waiting and possible loss. My experiences have led to a new ministry in which I try to serve as an example of hope for those who have yet to receive their miracle. We just never know where our journey will lead.

I have not blogged on infertility in a while. I've been pretty caught up in life and I've been trying to keep certain feelings at bay. To most, it may seem ridiculous that I am even blogging about infertility since we've been blessed to conceive two children. Most days, I do not think too much about how they came to be or else I find my mind wandering to places I do not want it to go. The anxiety and painful memories of the journey that led us to becoming parents only typically arise these days when I begin allowing myself to dream of adding another to our family. Do I want more children? I get asked this question regularly these days and the answer is "yes", but as soon as I say it out loud, the feelings come rushing back. Will the meds work? Am I being greedy? Is it selfish to want more? Will our dream of another child come to fruition? Will I learn to be content with what we have been blessed with if this is where our journey ends?

Honestly, I feel I've done well to work through the feelings of bitterness and longing that arise when "easy" conceptions are brought to my attention. I don't cry the instant I am alone, I do not allow my mind to dwell on their "luck" and I thank God for my own miracles repeatedly. I feel like I've come so far...and yet, there are still moments when I am not sure if I'll ever truly heal. There are moments when I still hurt, when I still feel the aches from the scars that our infertility journey has left on my heart. I was reminded of this earlier this week. I ran into a woman who gave birth not too terribly long ago and unbeknownst to me, she was expecting again...baby #4. I am elated for this little blessing that will soon be gracing the world, but for the first time in a while, I felt the old, familiar ache. I felt the jealousy, the anxiety, and the tears welling up. I attribute most of these emotions to hormones...but still.

I've been reflecting on this experience. I don't want to be that woman. I don't want to constantly be reminded of my bouts with pain. Instead I want to constantly rejoice in all the good that He has done in our lives. I want to revel in the joy that is our children. The truth is, the emotions, memories, and aches from one's infertility journey don't just go away. In time, I believe they can soften, but from personal experience, I just don't know. I sincerely just don't know if they will ever stop surfacing. Maybe I'm just not strong enough yet...but I have hope.

  Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the LORD your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.”

Deuteronomy 31:6

Linking up for Mommy Moments

Currently: August 2016

::via::

I apologize for my absence. Life lately has been nothing short of chaotic. Over the month of July and into (now) August, we have been going non-stop. We went on vacation in mid-July. We returned to find out that an opportunity for us to move from our house into a rental had presented itself. This will prayerfully make our selling of the house easier. Because of this opportunity, the last 2 weeks solid have been filled with moving, unpacking, and working on the old house…I go back to work for Teacher Work Week August 8 and our daughter will start preschool for the first time that day as well.

I’ve also been presented the opportunity to serve as an instructor for some local art projects at a new art studio in town. The Makery is my friend’s dream and she has done an amazing job putting it together. I am so proud of her!

So…here’s what we have currently…

Thinking About: The lengthy to-do list that we have to finish before putting our house up for sale.

Working On: Projects at the old house, unpacking at the rental, stressing over lesson plans and School Open House this week.

Learning: God’s timing is ultimately perfect despite whatever inconveniences I might perceive.

Watching: The Olympics…and old videos of G when she was smaller. How is it that she is going to preschool already?!

Listening to: Anything Lauren Daigle

Trying: I’m trying to feel less overwhelmed…but seeing as I’ve been doing a lot of stress baking lately, that’s not happening. While the change is good, it brings with it a lot of upheaval. I’m ready for our new normal and getting back into a routine.

::via::

Loving: I’m loving that Fall is right around the corner. I’m so over these summer temperatures and Fall means football!!!

Linking up with Mommy Moments

We've Been Given the Green Light

-original photo credit-

We get frustrated when we hit a red light because it stops us in our tracks. We cannot move forward until we are given the go ahead. We try to push through the yellow lights so that we can hopefully avoid the red lights. We often rush through in a hurry, rarely looking around to see if anyone else is in our way.

We welcome the green lights. They mean we can pass through freely without hesitation. These traffic signals are similar to the way we approach life. I’m finding myself likening our journey to this vital piece of transportation safety.

 My husband and I ran into many red lights in our attempts to start a family. We eased our way through some yellow lights in hope that we could get through without incident. Finally, we were given our green lights and the miracles that bless our lives came to be.

 For several years now, we have been dreaming a big dream together. We have had a dream to build our own home that incorporates our wishes, style, and future memories. We’ve dreamed of the home our children would grow up in; it is the same home we hope to grow old in. With that undertaking comes a lot of planning, beginning with where we would build.

 The acreage in our area is pretty pricey. This is attributed to the beautiful mountain views and desirable, quiet lifestyle that can be found in the landscape. We had our eyes on several pieces of property but none of them seemed right. They either wanted more than we could afford or we could not get at least the amount of land we have now. We continually felt like we were sitting at a red light that would never change. Fortunately, we did not have to sit there forever.

 Two years ago come this September, we signed our names to a piece of property. It provides gorgeous mountain views and presents us with enough property to hunt, raise a few farm animals and have plenty of play space for the kids. A dream come true…more accurately, an amazing answer to prayer. We had hoped to get at least 6-7 acres, which is what we currently have. The Lord blessed us with 28 acres at a price that was well within our ability to afford. The result was unheard of to the ears of man, unless those ears have ever heard the amazing, miraculous blessings that are granted by the Lord.

We’ve not done a lot to the property as of yet. My husband and his volunteer fire department did burn down the old house on the property. That was an experience. I’m excited to say that we did spare several pieces of wood from the old home to make a farm style table. It will be such a treat to maintain a piece of the old home that once was there.

However, before we can start the table, we need to have a home to put it in. We have been sitting at this red light for almost 2 years. The list of worries, to-do’s and what ifs has been extremely long. At times, we’ve been very overwhelmed and equally frustrated at the lack of forward movement. Why?

The house has not been ready for sale…I mentioned a long list of to-dos.

Where will we stay in the meantime?

We have four dogs and two cats. Most rentals do not allow pets and/or do not have the space to accommodate our animals. What will we do with them?

How will we afford everything?

And then…green light!

In the midst of all these questions, we have been given the green light to begin moving forward with our dream. We still have things we have to complete in the house before putting it up for sale. However, we have a meeting with our realtor the last week of the month. Our goal is to then have the house up for sale by August 15^th (or sooner). We have prioritized the things we’d like to have done instead and are focusing on what must be done.

Within the last two weeks, my husband’s grandmother’s house has become available. We will be able to rent this until our house is sold and our new home is built.

The pets? My mom is going to keep our two small dogs. Our two cats will be housed by a friend of mine who also fosters and volunteers with one of the local no-kill shelters. We are currently still trying to determine what we’ll be able to do with our two large dogs, but everything else has worked out. I have no doubt that this will too.

We have always had a budget and adjusted prior to the birth of our son. Maternity leave cuts my check a great deal and we altered our budget to accommodate this change. I’ll receive my full check again this fall, which will help a lot. My husband has been working a lot of overtime (mandatory). This serves as a mixed blessing. We miss him dearly when he is gone for several days at a time, but the extra funds will definitely be helpful. We’re selling things that we do not need and cutting corners where we can. I know undoubtedly that we will be fine.

 I think I get so wrapped up in the details because I am a planner. I have to know how things are going to work out and I get stressed and anxious when I do not know or cannot fix them. I also like control. I like to control the outcome. I have a vision and it is hard for me to let go of what I think would be best. However, this part of our journey has reminded me that I do not always know what may be best. I would have had us moved out and building two years ago, but the timing was not right. I see that now

 I have also been reminded that no matter what lies before me or what the future holds, God is already there. He already has the best in place for me. It is merely my job to go as He instructs. At the end of this month we will be making the move into our rental. Prayerfully our old house will sell quickly and the building will begin shortly after. I look forward to sharing more about this new chapter in the days to come.

What have you been given the green light to do?

Linking up with

Mommy Moments

and

Tuesday Talk

A Dino-mite First Birthday

Well, it has happened. Our bouncing baby boy is now ONE!

As most of you know, or at least now you will, I love birthdays. Next to Christmas, they are my favorite celebrations. I've had a blast planning an executing birthday parties for my daughter, and of course, I had to do the same for my sweet boy.

I went back and forth with themes and upon sifting through some ideas with my daughter, I was finally able to settle on one. In truth, she insisted that he have an orange dinosaur cake...so, dinosaurs it was.

Here is a look at his big day!

The Attire

July is hot. I wanted something cute and comfortable. I ran across this adorable outfit and knew it was the one.

::via::

This boy is dino-mite!

The Food

I had a blast pulling the food together for his party. I also had some amazing helpers. My mom, mother-in-law and good friend all pitched in to help make the food amazing. Keep in mind, I am all about keeping our celebrations inexpensive and simple. No sense in breaking the bank.

First off, lets talk about the cake. G insisted he have an orange dinosaur cake. This momma tried to deliver. I created a little dino from fondant and plopped him on top of a chocolate iced cake. I used gummy fruit wedges that my hubby helped trim into spikes for the bottom of the cake. This was actually N's smash cake and an overall success. The cupcakes were just simply iced and topped with additional gummy fruit wedges.

My amazing friend, Charity, made this AWESOME watermelon dinosaur head. I had really hoped to do it myself, but time was not on my side. She is such an amazing person and willingly offered to carve this masterpiece. Everyone loved it!

In keeping things simple, I scored these dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets and paired them along side some pizza rolls. My mother-in-law contributed her oh-so-delicious meatballs.

The Décor

Balloons! I have become a huge fan of them. They add wonderful color and always add a festive touch. I used them as some basic decorations on the tables and cake tables. I was able to score some adorable dinosaur masks that I scattered on the tables for the kids' enjoyment. Simple. Cheap. Oh, so cute.

I also set up a book for people to sign on the gift table. I've done this for my daughter as well. It is such a sweet keepsake as people write down thoughtful birthday wishes. I also included a slideshow of pictures of N's first year. ::mommytears::

Overall, I am thrilled with how his party turned out. We had so much fun in coming together to celebrate his precious little life. I am so thankful for everyone that came to share his birthday celebration with us. We are truly blessed.

Linking up for Mommy Moments

Baby N's [2nd] Trip to the Emergency Room

At one month we took our sweet boy to the Emergency Department per our pediatrician. You can read about that experience here. Fortunately, by the Lord’s goodness, he was quickly healed and all was well. It was my hope to never have another venture such as that again. As life would have it, we can hope, but sometimes things still may not go as we’d like.

Saturday began wonderfully. Both kids woke up happy and G was eager to attend her friend’s birthday party that morning. I noticed N had two little red dots close to his eye and another couple on his knee. I assumed they were bug bites from having been outside the evening before. No big deal.

Tooth #5 broke through that morning...

We went to the party, which began around 10am and I noticed another little spot had developed on his face and a couple more on his leg, as well as his arm. He had been in the grass playing near the playground and it was warm. I once again assumed either he had gotten bitten by something or the heat was causing his eczema to flair a little. No worries.

Around 11am there were more noticeable spots and when I changed his diaper, I saw several had developed on his stomach and diaper area. Still thinking it was probably the heat, I was not too worried. I just kept him cool and hydrated. He seemed un-phased and happy. I left it alone.

By 12:30pm when we left, my friend’s mother-in-law pointed out that he appeared to have several more spots or “bites”. She was right…a little bit of worry began to creep in. By the time we got home, the spots were multiplying at an alarming rate and they were getting larger. I contacted a nurse friend and she recommended we take him to the Emergency Department.

I dropped my daughter off with my in-laws and my mother came along with me to the hospital (my husband was on a day trip). We arrived about 4:30pm at the hospital and got him registered. By this time, the spots on his face had begun to merge. He was quickly developing more spots and the ones he had were getting larger. I was anxious to find out what was wrong with my boy. I kept going through everything since the night before…had he eaten something new? Did I notice any actual insect bites? Had he touched something? What was I missing?!

The rash progression (it was all over his body by the afternoon)

Eventually we were taken back to a room and met with several doctors. The lead doctor determined that N has roseola. He had a fever a couple of days ago that I attributed to his runny nose. However, the doctor said that was his body fighting off this virus. I have no idea where he picked it up. We left a little after 8pm and headed home. We basically have to let it run its course and the doctor did warn me that the rash would look worse before it got better.

As of this morning, that has proven true.

-Sunday morning-

Bless his heart

I’m grateful that his condition is nothing more serious and will pass. I swear this little guy just likes to make his mommy worry. We’ve had several health related scares with him. He doesn’t tend to get the typical “whatever is going around” kind of stuff…it’s always something bigger and more dramatic. ::sigh:: Regardless, I am so thankful for a healthy boy. Despite the rash, they deemed him in perfect health and when this passes, he will be as good as new.

::via::

Linking up for Mommy Moments

You Never Outgrow Your Momma

::via::

If you've been blessed to have an involved mother in your life, then you'll know what I'm talking about. From the time I was little, my mom was the one I went to for everything. She and I have always been close and I am blessed to have such a Godly, encouraging woman in my life. When I moved to Virginia in 2007, it was so hard to leave her behind. I missed her terribly and I was envious of my sister's time with her while I got to see her only a few times a year.

Upon having my own children, I realized just how badly I wanted that time with my mom back. Since I knew there was no way to get the time back, I focused on how I could make our time together meaningful and memorable. Still, a birthday and Christmas were not enough.

For the last several years, I've prayed for God to place contentment in my heart when the ache became too much. There came a time when it was as if God was speaking straight to me. My heart gained a peace that ensured me that she would once again become a constant presence in my life. That was several years ago.

There were many conversations with my mom about having her move to Virginia. When our daughter (her first grandchild) was born, I was shameless in using her as an incentive. Mom went back and forth with reasons why she could/should but could not move. I'd get frustrated when she'd make progress towards a move, but then there would be no further follow through. I desperately wanted her here.

When we became pregnant with my son, I had a much more difficult pregnancy and all I wanted was my mom. I wanted her here when I'd lie awake afraid and Clinton was at work. I wanted her at some of my appointments. I wanted her to hear his little heartbeat. I just wanted my mom.

This past November, my mom and I were talking (yet again) about her moving here. There were so many signs indicating she needed to make the move and yet she was still hesitant. I totally understood her reasoning, but I felt the time was coming. I insisted that she'd know the right moment when it came. That same month, she and I were texting and we both sent each other the same house for sale at the same time. The listing was in her price range and it had 98% of the things she had on her "must have" list for a new home. Eventually, she agreed to let me speak with a realtor about the house. My husband and I both checked out the house and upon my personal walk through, I just knew it was for her. God gives such perfect confirmations.

To make a long, but no so long, story short, the Lord made a way for EVERYTHING to fall into place. Everything she had a worry about was boldly taken care of through God's provision. In March, she took the bold step and made the official move to Virginia. I have been trying to convince myself that this is real. I now drive 15 minutes to see her. We can have weekly dinners, impromptu outings, and plenty of girl time.

The best part has been seeing her interact with the kids. She has missed so much of their little lives thus far and I am overjoyed at the memories she is now making with them. God has answered my prayers by providing a way for her to become an active part of our lives. She no longer sees us through pictures. I'm such a lucky gal.

After all, I'll never outgrow my momma.

Linking up for Waiting on Wednesday

When Mother's Day Hurts

I've been that woman. The woman sitting in the church pew on Mother's Day Sunday morning, gripping the edge of my pew with both hands so I won't leave. I hang my head during the songs of worship to hide my tears. I feel guilty for not being happy...for not praising my God for all He has done. I feel guilty for not raising my voice in song because of the fear that if I utter a sound, I'll loose my composure. I ache because of my barrenness. I envy the new mother next to me. I fight bitterness at the sight of all the beautiful families dedicating their tiny babes to the Lord during the baby dedication service. I fear that I will never be the woman holding her own child. I want to scream, "why you and not me?!" at the barely out of high school girl sitting behind me as she shifts because of the weight of her pregnant belly.

I've been that woman.

I've been the woman who, on Mother's Day, is not grateful for the blessings that I have been so quick to forget. I don't rejoice in the fact that I am still fortunate to have my own mother alive and well. I don't rejoice in the fact that I have a husband who has stood by me, month after month, as I experience the hormonal highs and lows of the fertility meds, and then holds me when I cry myself to sleep because of yet another negative pregnancy test. I've been the woman who wonders if God truly hears the silent prayers of my heart and the outpourings of my words as I weep in the silence.

I've been that woman.

And yet...I am better because of it. Little did I know at the time, God was preparing me for something bigger than myself. He was writing our story...a beautiful story of hope. He was developing my testimony. He was cultivating my relationship with Him and strengthening my relationship with my husband. He was ensuring that I would not take a day with my children for granted. He was shaping my yet to be ministry.

If someone would have told me during my infertility journey that God would be leading me into such amazing, Kingdom building things, I would have refuted the words. I was so broken. I'm proof that God can use even the broken. He can heal. He can astonish. He is still in the business of miracles.

5 years later, I can say with certainty that while I may have been "that woman", I am no longer "her". I am stronger. I am more grateful than I have ever been. I am a mom of two beautiful, miracle babies who prove God is so much bigger than what the world deems possible or probable.

Let me encourage you my dear sister. You are not alone. Your pain is for purpose. Your heart's desire has been rooted deeply so that you may cling to hope...the hope that God is not finished yet. The hope that will allow you to be in awe of how your miracle of either children or peace and contentment come to be.

While you may find it hard to find joy in this Mother's Day, I pray you find Hope. I pray you find Peace. I pray you remember there is purpose.

Linking up with Mommy Moments

and

Tuesday Talk

What's Bigger Than My Diagnosis?

I was thrilled when Caroline shared her Infertility link-up with me. It's been a week of advocating and spreading the word on infertility...also known as life and/or National Infertility Awareness Week! I was even more excited when she said that she was hoping those of us that have seen the other side of infertility would contribute. I truly believe it is essential that women see that there is another side...a side of hope...to this life altering diagnosis.

My husband and I were extremely cautious early in our marriage. We did not want to bring children into our family until we were "ready" or "the time was right". I set an alarm for my birth control (even on my honeymoon) to ensure that we would not experience any "surprises". The joke was on us. After 3 years of marriage we decided we'd go ahead and start adding to our family. Our natural efforts were not successful and I sought answers to my questions from my gynecologist. She eventually diagnosed me with PCOS and put me on Metformin. I was never given an explanation for her decisions, but she was my doctor. Why would I question her?

After months of additional negative pregnancy tests, she said she wanted to put me on Clomid. Once again, no blood work, ultrasounds or explanations. She said if that did not work then she would not be able to assist us further and would refer us to a specialist. She said it may just be an issue of not being able to have children.

::tears::

Confusion.

Anger.

Bitterness.

My husband and I prayed about our next step and we decided to forgo meeting again with my doctor and seek out a second opinion. We were led to the doctors at University Physicians for Women at Northridge. I went with this practice for a variety of reasons. The majority of the doctors were well versed in my PCOS diagnosis, they delivered at the hospital I had hoped to give birth in (someday), and they had direct access to highly respected infertility specialists. Upon our first visit, I knew in my heart that we had made the right choice. I was immediately put at ease by the expertise of the nurse and then by my doctor. She took me off the Metformin after receiving my blood work (she drew a full blood panel) and discovering that at the time, there was no immediate reason for me to be taking it. Upon further testing, we discovered that my testosterone was higher than normal and may be contributing to my inability to conceive. I was then put back on the meds, but with an actual reason for doing such this time.

I tracked my cycles and after more blood work, it appeared that my body would try to gear up to ovulate but could not follow through. I was heartbroken. If I wasn't ovulating then there would not be an egg waiting to be fertilized. At that point, my husband and I prayed for wisdom as to how far we would should go in our efforts to conceive. We decided that if medication was not enough, then we'd stop and try to fill our home with a child another way. We were at peace with this decision. We spoke with our doctor about our options and she completely respected our decision. From there, she came at us with a Plan A and then a Plan B if that did not work. I was thrilled to have answers and a plan.

After several months, we were still not pregnant. This medication is only permitted for a certain amount of cycles (this varies depending on the doctor) and we were two cycles away from ending the meds. My blood work initially showed that my body was gearing up but still no follow through. She upped my dosage. I then had a good ovulatory cycle, but no pregnancy. With each passing month, my heart grew more heavy. Finally...our miracle occurred.

In August 2012, we became pregnant with what would result in our beautiful baby girl.

During our first infertility journey, I can now look back to realize that I was dealing with depression. That time in my life was so dark. It was so sad. I felt broken and so alone. I had wrapped my worth up in my inability to have children and I had allowed Satan to feed my heart lies that I began to believe. Only through the grace of God did I overcome the darkness.

When we decided to try for another child, I began charting my cycles again and realized my body was back to its old ways. We discussed this with our doctor and there was no wait time. She immediately started us on the same protocol that we did the last time. Our son's conception beat the odds in terms of science due to previous and additional complications.

I've learned not to compare my story with anyone else's. It's hard...so hard...not to. Some women get pregnant by sneezing (or so it would seem) and then others face it for years without any success. Our story is not as detailed as others or the journey as long as some, but that does not make our story any less important. It has become a part of our testimony.

Our story proves that our God is bigger than any diagnosis. My hope was and is bigger than my diagnosis. I no longer allow my worth to be defined by my "broken parts". I don't know what our future holds, but I know He is good.

Without Him, we would not have our children. Our children were prayed for, longed for, and miraculous in so many ways.

::via::

My heart continues to grieve with those who face the uncertainties of infertility. I still bear scars and old feelings still surface. My journey and spiritual growth have led me to answer God's call to begin a faith based infertility support group. We have been meeting since November and it is slowly growing. My heart is so full when I am able to share our story and the stories of others. I have the privilege of reminding these women that they are loved by our God in the midst of their circumstances and that despite what is going on, He truly has their best interests at heart. I know that I had lost sight of that during my struggle.

My husband and I hope that our story can serve as hope for those who are still going through the deep waters.

Linking up for Mommy Moments