Treading the Waves

How are you doing? This has become the most frequently, awkwardly asked question in my life. The questioning comes with sincerity. The awkwardness comes from an inward place. I struggle with how to respond. I am not one to sugar coat things and honesty has always been the best policy…but I know people want to hear that I’m fine. I know they want to hear that I’m doing okay.

 In a lot of ways I am.

I am remaining grateful. I am learning the meaning of true grace. I am sleeping at night. My appetite has returned. I do not cry all day, every day anymore.

So, in comparison, I am doing better.

And yet, in a lot of ways I am not.

I struggle with enjoying the good things in my life. I know His grace is what I need, especially during this time, but it is hard to accept. I sleep, but sometimes the dreams are haunting. My appetite has returned but I’m not caring for myself the way I was before…I’m way off track. I do not cry all day, but I cry most days.

 There is a lot of healing still ahead. The physical pain comes and goes these days. At times, normal tasks are still difficult and by the end of the day, I need an ice pack and/or ibuprofen.

 I’ve come along way though in almost 3 weeks. I’ve accepted that I need to embrace a new normal, and I will…it will just take time.

 Lately, when people ask how I’m doing, the most honest answer I can muster without going into detail that will make them regret asking is, “it comes in waves.” It is the best way to describe how life is right now. I remember my first trip to the ocean and my first experience in the waves. There were moments of fun and laughter as I jumped into each wave, feeling it rush past my body. Then, in a split second, I was knocked down…pulled down by the undertow as the waves washed over me. One moment I was happy, enjoying every second of sunshine and the next I was fighting for air.

Waves. It comes in waves.

As I’ve searched for solice in scripture, I’ve run across so many verses that have brought comfort. Some are typical of what one would cling to during difficult times, but then there are ones like this that just hit my heart.

“He alone stretches out the heavens and treads on the waves of the sea.”

Job 9:8

Job is describing God. He is the Creator. He made the heavens and placed the stars in the sky. But it was the second part of the verse that caught me. “[He] treads on the waves of the sea.” Those waves that held me captive for moments without air shift at His command. They cause Him no worry. As the waves of grief crash over me, He is fully aware. He treads those waves. He goes before me. He knows the pain I feel. He understands the angst that leaves me unsettled. He sees the waves before they hit. He knows they are coming and acts in mighty ways to help keep me afloat.

He prompts a friend to text or call. He designates days for cards of encouragement in the mail. He knows whose hugs I need. He orchestrates the perfect song on the radio.

 He treads the waves and does not allow me to stay under for long. The waves hit but He is quick to respond and pull me up and with each hit and recovery, I grow stronger.

By His might, I will stand my ground where hope can be found…

Linking up with Mommy Moments

An Act of Kindness

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December 19th will be marked as one of our most difficult days to date.  I'm not at a point of sharing the "why" yet and with the joy I have in my heart from some of the events of today, I can't focus on those other things right now anyway. (I know you're curious and one day I'm sure I'll share...)

As for those good things...my hubby and I got to spend some much needed quality time together. After a long morning we opted to grab lunch at IHOP. Who doesn't love pancakes?! Side note: The Caramel Bon Bon pancakes are amazing! And no, I was not compensated to say that.

We enjoyed a yummy lunch and then gathered our things to leave. While waiting in line to pay, I stepped to the side, leaving more room for other customers since my hubby was going to pay. I saw a lady begin talking to him. I heard her ask if he worked for the fire department (he had on one of his firefighter hats.) He shared with her his career and volunteer firefighter positions. I saw her hug him and then thank him for what he does. I then saw my husband shaking his head, telling the lady no about something and then he eventually walked over to me...she insisted on paying for our meal! This precious,  blessed soul paid for our meal without any hesitation.  She told him that at one point this deed had been done for her and she wanted to pass the kindness along and that she wanted to do something to thank him for his service.

I cried.

I wanted to run and hug her and thank her for her act of unexpected kindness. This might have freaked her out so...

Instead I prayed prayers of blessings over this sweet woman and her family. My hubby and I are still humbled and can't wait to pass this bit of joy along.

How can you spread a little more kindness in the days to come?

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Go To What You Know

This week has held a lot of highs and lows for me on a personal level. In venting to my amazing (and I can't stress that enough) best bud, I was given some advice. I know she will be rolling her eyes because of her humble heart when I say this, but she is truly a source of reason and sensibility. I never face judgment and I always hear truth. Tonight's tidbit?  "Go to what you know..."

 

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Sitting here alone this evening, I've had a little bit of time to reflect on those five words. With what has been on my heart and mind these past few days, it just seems timely and completely appropriate that I focus on what I know as reminders to get me through these moments. This is not an exhaustive list but it is a place to start...It is my hope that you'll find encouragement, just as I have, through the power and truth of God's Holy Word.

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-His mercies are new. Whatever short comings I face today (and I admit this week has been filled with many mommy fails, wife fails, friend fails, etc.) His love and mercy endures. He finds me where I am and will not leave me there to wander.

Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,
    for his compassions never fail. They are new every

morning; great is your faithfulness.

Lam. 3:22-23

-This too shall pass. The things that I'm facing today, tomorrow, haunts from yesterday...all of them are fleeting. They are moments in my life that God can use to mold me. They are also moments that I can use to glorify God, build my testimony and deepen my faith.

For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long.  Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever.  So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen.  For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever.

2 Cor. 4:17-18

-There is victory. Regardless of disappointments, short comings, and the like, there is victory in Jesus.

But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.

1 Cor. 15:57

-I am blessed beyond measure, even when my heart hurts.

But blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord,
whose confidence is in him.
They will be like a tree planted by the water
that sends out its roots by the stream.
It does not fear when heat comes;
its leaves are always green.
It has no worries in a year of drought
and never fails to bear fruit.

Jer. 17:7-8

Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

Matt. 5:4

 

 

-His timing is perfect.

Delight yourself in the LORD and He will give you the desires of your heart.

Ps. 37:4

 

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A Little Southern Comfort Day 1

I decided to title this vacation's posts something that would encompass our trip as a whole, although you'll soon see that it wasn't all sweet and that we had to sometimes be intentional in looking for the silver linings. I have so much to cover from this trip that I decided to break it down into several posts over the next few days.

I'll begin with just trying to get to our destination. I've been planning this trip to visit my mom in Georgia for about a month now. We made plans to stay over in Tennessee to break up the drive for G. I had my lists written, my budget planned, tickets pre-purchased, and a couple little surprises lined up.

We left bright and early on Tuesday morning.  We had packed the majority of our things in the vehicle the night before and morning went by smoothly.  Apparently too smoothly...

G has Bella and is ready to go!

About 2.5 hours into our trip our vehicle began to overheat...no good. We quickly pulled off on the next exit and made our way into a gas station parking lot. Upon parking and turning off the vehicle white smoke was pouring out everywhere.

FYI:We're still not exactly sure what went wrong but it's being looked into...We made multiple calls to family members and car rental businesses with no luck. My husband finally found a car rental company within "safe" driving distance (we prayed the whole 8 minutes it took us to get there.) C went in and came out with his head hung low. Despite the company's online site indicating available rentals, truth was, they would have none available until sometime the next day. I admit I got a bit weepy. I was hot, tired and the baby was done with her car seat. After a brief pity party I got my head together and we began calling other rental locations and finally found one promising they could get us taken care of. We prayed for another 15 miles to reach this beacon of hope. They had made a promise...that resulted in a vehicle not being available for what would be another 6 hours.

Not knowing when they would call with a vehicle we went about 5 minutes down the road and grabbed lunch. Afterwards we pulled into a park where we hung out the remainder of the afternoon.

Her first time in a swing! She loved it!

Snacking on some grapes

Side note: Let me just say that our baby is a trooper. No real naps were allotted and our circumstances were less than ideal and through it all she remained in pretty good spirits.

Around 4 PM that afternoon we were blessed to find ourselves in a reliable rental.

Our vehicle was left at the place of business to be picked up by my in - laws at some point in the week. We had a lot of things go poorly...

Breaking down (in front of a dealership that sells our type of vehicle nonetheless)...

The driving weather...

But through it all we were reminded of God's goodness and grace. We were granted beautiful weather while waiting at the park.

We were graced to have the financial provisions to pay for such a large unexpected cost. We were able to make some first time memories and through it all we remained thankful. My husband and I caught one another giving thanks for the good when it would have been so easy to become bitter and complain. I feel this situation shows not only how we've grown as a couple but as individuals in the Lord.

We finally made it to our hotel, and despite needing a bathroom remodel, we were pleased with our stay. Many fun things to come...be looking for a little more southern comfort to come...

Sneak Peek!

He is Enough

This week will be filled with baking! I have 250 cake pops to make and create by Friday afternoon. As much as I'd love to have G at home this first week out of school, I'd accomplish very little with her around. I'm looking forward to this upcoming wedding weekend. The couple that I am making cake pops for is amazing. I have seen this couple survive the high school years and now, as they continue through adulthood, I have the honor and pleasure of seeing them wed this coming Saturday.

I spent time with the bride and her mother in the nursery at church this past Sunday. We talked wedding details and honeymoon plans. I tell you, it makes me want to get married all over again. I loved planning the details of my wedding...maybe someday I'll get a vow renewal ceremony.

Our Wedding 2008

We also discussed how there are typical conversation starters for each new event in our lives. When you get engaged, people instantly begin asking about the date. Hello, we've only been engaged for 5 minutes! Once the date is set people want to know details and the honeymoon location. It seems immediately upon saying "I do" people want to know when you'll start having kids...not if you want to have kids, but when. Then, maybe you've had this experience as well, you're laying in the hospital bed, sore, tired, in love with your first born, and people already begin asking when you'll have another. It's as if you're constantly playing the game of 20 Questions.

For us, this last question has always been a bit difficult. We've found ourselves laughing over the irony. For the first few years of our marriage we remained cautious as we tried to "plan" our family. After a long time of trying with no success, we found out I was dealing with PCOS induced infertility. We joined the thousands of couples longing for a baby and struggled not knowing when or how God would fill our heart and home with the sounds of a little one.

Since G's birth, people have been asking when we'll have another. Most of these inquiries are not aware of our infertility struggles and only ask out of curiosity. This questioning has picked up since G's first birthday. Never mind that I've tried to savor this past year. Forget the prayers and tears that went into her conception. While I know this is not the mentality of those who ask, it is still somewhat difficult for me. These questions bring back emotions from our past struggles and it causes me to stare straight into the unknown. The answer to this question is, "I don't know. I don't know when God will bless our lives again. I don't know when we'll make G a big sister. I don't know how long it will take."

What I do know is that God is good. He is enough. I do not believe He would place the desire of more children in our hearts just to leave it void. One thing I am continually reminded of is that His Will is perfect. He may not fulfill our dreams in the way we expected or when we think it should happen. He will bless us beyond our dreams and His timing is always perfect. I'll be the first to admit that these truths have not always provided comfort like we think it should. It is hard to see those around you living out your hopes and dreams. Here is another truth: comparison kills joy.

There were countless dark hours that I would cry out to God asking, "why not us?" I would look at others, who I loved and still love dearly, add to their families month after month. I was so caught up in my own pain that I often neglected to remember that not all of those journeys were easy. It seemed as if everyone I knew was expecting. I was in a very dark place. I was not a friend, wife, or Christian that I could be proud of. Thankfully, God never left me. Although there were times it felt my prayers were bouncing off of Heaven, He was still there.

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In His time, He blessed our lives with a beautiful little girl. We've committed her life and upbringing to the Lord. We will be forever humbled that He chose us to be her parents.

I write all of this to 1. vent and 2. offer hope to those who also face the uncertainties that come with infertility and PCOS. I know the questions are rarely easy to answer without the ache. At those times I try to focus on the unwavering truth that I serve a God who is bigger than any infertility diagnosis. I love a God who will never forsake us. When the darkness seems to overwhelm you, the questions stir those painful emotions, and your hope seems small, remember that He is enough. I was reminded of this just this morning as I was washing some dishes. The song "Enough" came on and as the lyrics filled my head, I felt my heart begin to singing. Life may not go as we planned but through it all...



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Enough-Barlow Girl

 

Promise and Possibility

Today I, along with my rambunctious red-head and a borrowed jogging stroller, will venture forth on my second 5k of the Spring season. This will be the first one I've done with a stroller, and thanks to a good friend of mine, I have appropriate baby jogging equipment. Who knows, it may even inspire me to invest...

While all of this is super exciting, I don't want to overshadow the importance of this race. There are thousands of amazing causes that races help support. This particular race helps others give a voice to those who do not have one. I'll be participating with many others today for the sake of saving lives...the lives of God's most precious gifts. The proceeds will go to a local agency that provides support in a variety of ways for women (teens included) who find themselves facing unplanned pregnancy. While these little lives are no surprise to God and His purpose for their precious existence has been set into motion, the mother, finding herself with child may not always rejoice in all that comes with new life. The Pregnancy Center "offers hope and answers to women with unplanned pregnancies."

I'll not use this post to rant, bombard you with facts, or weigh your heart down with nauseating statistics. Instead, I hope you will see the good in all that is. I hope you will take events like this, as I do, as opportunities to shine for Christ.

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I am so excited to share this time with my daughter. She was a promise. Through many trials, tears and prayers, God fulfilled the desire of my heart. He granted me the opportunity to add to this world in a way that I had only dreamed of being able to do.

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Sure kids make life messy...but it is the most wonderful, beautiful mess I've ever known!

I also want to draw attention to an urgent matter laid upon my heart. Several months ago a friend of mine brought the Dennis family's situation to my attention. I have prayed and cried for this couple since first reading their story. Last September they delivered their first daughter who joined Jesus 10 short hours after birth due to a terminal condition called anencephaly. She was diagnosed early on, and without all the medical lingo, it basically means that her brain was not/would not develop. When they were faced with this news, they were given the option to end their pregnancy. Their faith carried them and they chose to follow through with the pregnancy. She writes a beautiful explanation of why they chose to do so. My life has been changed through their testimony and the life of their daughter Sophie.

Today she posted some wonderful news. They are once again expecting! However, as I read on, the joy quickly becomes weaved with sadness. At 13 weeks they have discovered that this child has a rare illness known as acrania. This illness will have the same terminal result, but is different in that the baby's skull is not developing as opposed to the brain. The fact that this second child has a similar rare terminal illness is almost unheard of. They have decided to continue with this pregnancy as well, all the while praying for a miraculous healing. God is good. All. The. Time. While I can't begin to guess what God's plan is for this family or how things will turn out, I do know that God has grown an amazing testimony through this couple. I also know that He has used Sophie's life and all that is her story to change the world for so many. There is no doubt that she has made an amazing contribution to the Kingdom...in fact I'd venture to say that she has served the Lord in greater ways in her short 10 hours of life than many Christians do in 100 years.

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While I do very little justice in sharing just how loudly their faith, hope and joy resound, I do ask that you keep this beautiful family in your prayers. This September will mark 1 year since Sophie went to dance at the feet of Jesus and the emotions are still very raw...and now to add this to it...It's times like this that we as adults MUST revert to our child-like faith in order to not grow weary or bitter. His plan is greater than anything we could imagine or accomplish on our own.

As I draw this to a close, I put all of this out there to say that this race will be completed with all of my heart. G and I will be completing this race in memory of Sophie, in honor of her sibling and in honor of their parents who, along with God, have chosen to make their lives possible. Despite the length of life, these angels, my daughter and every other life included, are a promise. They are a possibility.

Promises and Possibilities

I look forward to sharing the day's events with you soon!!!

Silent Moments

You know those moments...those God moments? The kind that hit you in the silence and yet seem so loud when His presence touches your heart? I love those moments. I cherish those moments. I need those moments. There are times in my life like the present when my relationship with Christ seems a bit more quiet than at other times. While I know He's there, I feel distant.

I know I'm to blame because He is always there. Though I may not hear Him, He is speaking and listening to my heart. While I may feel alone in my thoughts, He is aware of every. single. one. Last night the house was still. The baby was sleeping peacefully across the hall and my husband was gone on a fire call. It was just me in the silence.

While getting ready for bed, I felt prompted to pick up my old Bible. My mom gave me this Bible in 2000...hard to believe it's 14 years old. The cover was slightly dusty, but it felt just like I remembered. Suddenly, all of the anxiety and past emotions that have been rising to the surface this week were stilled. I just sat there...in the silence. A couple of books from the New Testament were falling out from years of use and the pages were filled with underlines, highlighter, notes in the margins and post-it notes. I was reminded of all of the joy and tears that I had poured over those pages. I remembered the moments of peace that the underline passages provided at just the right time.

In those few moments I felt so at peace despite the angst that I've been carrying. I felt God's presence fill the room. In those silent moments I was reminded that even though my heart battles the past and hopes for the future, He has given me the present. I decided to open that Bible and focus on the first thing my eyes ran across. The book fell open to Proverbs 19:21.

 

Many plans occupy the mind of a man, but the Lord's purposes will prevail.

So very timely. I sat and stared at the words on the page. I let them soak into my soul, swirl into my mind, and take root in my heart. While I still cling to things hoped for, I am learning to let go. My life is a continuous example of what God can do with a life. His work is woven throughout my life's story. His protection, His guidance, His goodness...all of those things and more weave the thread that holds this imperfect person together.

I eagerly seek more silent moments. It's often in those moments that He speaks the loudest.

Revisiting the Journey

I enjoy waking up to blog posts from my dear friend and this morning was no exception. She has begun to blog about her pregnancy. The sweet moments, the ups and downs and all of the in-between moments, had me thinking back to my pregnancy. At this time last year we were just a couple of weeks from our daughter's unexpected arrival. It's hard to believe! I laid in bed listening to G babble over the monitor and could not help but revisit our journey.

Courtesy of Shay White Photography

We prayed so long for our little one and after my PCOS diagnosis, infertility treatment that led to many disappointments, wavering dreams, doctor visits, medications, blood work, etc., our prayers were answered. While we dream of adding to our family at some point, the anxieties and fears of our past attempt to rise to the surface. How quickly I can forget God's goodness and faithfulness. Not once did He leave me to hurt alone. While the journey was not easy, I was able to experience God in ways that I had not been able to do before. When you are TTC you enter into a whole new world. Whether it was the circumstances, the hormones or the medication, I was super sensitive and dealt with levels of emotions I was not prepared to experience. I know I didn't handle relationships in the best manner and I'm determined to find other ways to cope this go around.

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In discussing our hope to add to our family again someday, I often hear, "well at least you already have one baby if it doesn't work." Just an FYI, that does not ease the angst. While this statement is true, when the Lord places this type of desire in my heart, it is not something I can just shrug my shoulders at. I am not selfish. I am not ungrateful. While our experiences and journey were not as involved or as lengthy as some, it was our journey. It was our pain. It was our waiting. It was our hope. It was our joy. While many prayed for and empathized with us, we still experienced some dark times. I've been praying that the Lord will prepare our hearts and heads for whatever may come. I pray for peace and understanding. I pray for a stronger, sustaining sense of joy. While we don't know what the Lord has in store for us, we remain grateful for those who continue to pray with us and for those who didn't give up on me when I was not the person I wanted to be.

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All of this brings me to this morning (did I mention I have yet another snow day?! Crazy!). After reading my friend's blog, I got feeling particularly sentimental. Her post inspired me to become a little creative. I have a "free" Shutterfly book that expires today and I had no idea what to use it for. I have been working on a book for G's first year but I still have a month to go...and the offer expires today...so instead, I thought I would put my pregnancy journal highlights into a Shutterfly album. I'm really excited (and a little anxious although I know to some that seems silly) about revisiting my pregnancy with G. I love the maternity album I created leading up to her birth but I didn't capture the ins and outs of my pregnancy...all of which I'm sure she will learn to appreciate someday.

Liking the Hard to Love

This week has brought about a roller coaster of emotions. Between looking back on "what would have been" and looking forward to "what could be", my heart and mind have been on overload. You add to that the fact that the crazies have come out of the wood work this week, I'm done. Praise the Lord it is the weekend.

With all of the criticism, bad attitudes and hurtful words that I've experienced this week, I've had to do a "check up from the neck up" as my Sunday School teacher would say. It would be so easy to fall into bitterness and bite back...but such does not please the heart of my God. Instead, I've had to step back and remember a few simple truths...

These people were put in my life for a reason. Whether I like it or not, God has ordained our connections. He knew I would encounter these people and he knew these times would come. Because of this, I've had to both hold back and move forward. The truth is, either they or I are meant to learn something from all of this.

 

 

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Words hurt. I do my best to remain truthful but tactful. Others do not. I'm always amazed at how hurtful and hateful some people can be. This week I've been floored by some of the words that have alluded to personal opinions of me. This has taken its toll on me. I abide by the "do unto others" and sometimes it is hard to treat others the way I know the Lord expects me to treat them. It's times like this that I am so grateful for those who truly know me, love me, and give encouragement when it's needed.

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I am called to love everyone...that doesn't mean I like them. While this may sound a bit contradictory, I stand by it. I am called to love everyone, and I do my best to love them where they are. God forgives me moment by moment and loves me in spite of my flaws. It is only right that I do the same. Does that mean He likes everything I do? No. This rings true in my own life. I've had to remind myself almost daily this week that I am meant to love these people, though they hurt or offend. That does not mean I have to like their actions, attitudes, or remarks.

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Cling to the good. My God is good. My husband is good. My daughter is good. There are so many wonderful things in my life that can be easily overshadowed if I don't keep myself in check. Thanks to mercy and grace, each morning I wake up is a new day to make big and small contributions towards the Kingdom. Despite the week it has been, I am reminded that my God is enough. He will sustain me through these tough times. I will count it all joy.

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Coffee and Concealer

As I looked in the mirror this morning I thought, "There is not enough coffee or concealer in the world to help me out today." G was up almost all night and only she knows why. No matter what we did, she was not pacified. This is totally out of character for her. As any mom knows, during those brief, quiet moments between wails over the baby monitor, you try to sleep but can't because you are already anticipating the next round. This is very different from sleep deprivation that we experienced during her infancy. I knew that I could at least try and nap a she napped during the day...it doesn't work like that once you return to work. While my students would probably get a kick out of seeing their teacher drool on her desk while lost in comatose slumber, I doubt the parents or administrative staff would find it as humorous.

Sitting here, with strong coffee in hand, I look upon the coming day. There will be meetings, conflict resolution, etc.. Of course I know I must give it my all today, but what do you do when your all seems less than satisfactory?

It's a good question that not just mothers, but most people, have been mucking through for centuries. While I can't speak for everyone, I know that from a Christian standpoint, both as a woman and mother, my help comes from the Lord.

I lift up my eyes to the mountains—
    where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord,
    the Maker of heaven and earth.

Psalm 121:1-2

It's mornings like this that I cling to His promises (that I too often take for granted). How wonderfully blessed am I that He watches over me and carries me through, without even asking! And yet, how much greater are my blessings when I do seek Him in the good and bad, the rejoicing and the trials. His love knows no bounds.

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

2 Corinthians 12:9a

Raising children is an awesome opportunity for us as parents to invest in the future and impact the Kingdom. While the "hazards" of parenting can sometimes seem inconvenient, the truth is, next to accepting Christ in our own lives, teaching our children to love the Lord is, what I believe to be my highest calling. Everything else the Lord places in my life just sweetens it.