Your Heart's Cry is Heard

It will be 4 years this coming October since my grandpa passed. It was such a bittersweet time. My heart aches at the thought that he will never meet his beautiful great grandchildren on this side of heaven. I remember telling him that we were expecting a baby. He was in the hospital at the time and little did I know how little time we'd have left with him. I can still see hear the sadness that accompanied his congratulations as we both knew he would probably not be here to meet his first great granddaughter. I miss him.

Since that time our family and those close to us have experienced and are continuing to experience the inevitable pain of loss. Whether it is expected or unexpected the end result is the same. We end up with a hole in our hearts that we feel will never be filled again and yet, through God's Redemption, we are able to find peace and comfort if we allow it to penetrate.

Some days are harder than others but we survive. Some days we struggle to wake up and other days we struggle to fall asleep. I am reminded as I pray over family and friends that God hears the cries of our hearts. While the pain would lead us to believe that He has abandoned us, He has not. While the world would lead us to believe that we must take our pain and anger and our feelings of injustice into our own hands, that is not the case. We have a redeeming, loving, merciful and gracious Savior who longs to fill the void. He wants to comfort you. He wants to bring peace and He wants to restore what you feel is so broken.

He hears our heart's cry and while death is a result of sin, so is God's redeeming love for those of us who know Christ as our Savior. We can be reassured that as long as those who go before us also know Him, we can rest in that we will see them again. While our time here on Earth can seem so painful, the glory that lies ahead cannot be fathomed. The importance of not only forming a relationship with Christ for our own sake, but leading those we love most (and those we may not even know) to the arms of the Savior is equally important. It is the knowledge of salvation and the belief in restoration that will provide comfort when we are left to mourn those who have gone before us.

Take heart...in those moments when you are broken without the words to speak, know that Heaven hears your heart's cry.

Linking up for Mommy Moments

Baby N's Trip to the Emergency Department

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A mother's intuition is often a force too be reckoned and rarely disagreed with. I almost never forgo my gut instinct but of course, the one day I do, serious happens. Never again.

I noticed a couple days ago that N's right pectoral muscle seemed a bit hard and slightly larger than his left. We had this happen with G the week after her birth, not 5 weeks later, but even so, I did not read too much into it since with G, the condition was considered normal. It generallly occurs because of hormones passed on from the mother.

When I woke up with him on Friday morning I noticed he was more fussy than normal. He's typically a pretty chill baby. Nothing seemed to make him happy, he wasn't eating well and the swelling in his chest became concerning, especially since he had developed a couple new symptoms.

I was freaking out a little in my head and eagerly awaited my husband to get home from work. When he got home I called our pediatrician, and while she said it could be "normal", she thought it best to bring him in. I wanted to go but with my classroom unfinished and my sub plans needing to be complete, against my better judgment I took G to school to work while my husband took N to the doctor. Even on my drive to school I felt like I should have gone with them.

His appointment was at 10:30 and around 11 I got a call from my hubby. He didn't say anything other than the doctor wanted to talk to me. My heart sunk to my stomache. She proceeded to inform me that she was concerned that he had an infection. She thought it best to send him to the hospital for further testing since it could be potentially harmful. This would mean blood work, possibly a spinal tap and potentially a couple days in the hospital. I know she had to provide the possibilities but I was terrified of the unknown. Afterall, he's only 5 weeks old!

I immediately packed up my work, got G and headed down the hallway towards the exit. I felt prompted to stop in my friend's classroom. I asked her to pray with me over the situation. As she prayed I felt a peace come over me. The Lord was making His presence known.

I called G's baby sitter and made plans to drop her off on my way to the hospital. I dropped her off and quickly stopped at home to grab extra clothes in case he was admitted. As I tried to stop crying I kept praying for his health and wisdom for his doctors. In the midst of my tears and fear, I was led to this verse:

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It served as such a source of reassurance as I waited to hear updates. On my way to the hospital my husband let me know that they had taken blood and were prepping him for an ultrasound. It was killing me to not be there.

Upon arriving at the hospital, I could not get in touch with my husband to find out where I needed to go. I must have called his phone a dozen times. No answer. I finally made my way to the Emergency Department where I spoke with a hospital volunteer at the desk. I informed her that I was there to be with my infant son who had been brought in earlier. She called a nurse to ask if I could "visit" the patient. I kindly made it clear that I was not there to merely visit. I was his mother and needed to be with him. Shortly after I was escorted back to his room.

No one was in there but the relief of finally being there hit me hard. I just started crying (for the 20th time). A med student came and checked on me and did not seem confident in me when I told him that I really was ok. He gave me a brief update and eventually allowed me to just sit in peace. After what seemed like forever,  my husband and baby were wheeled back into the room. I immediately picked up my son and of course,  cried again.

We waited for a long while on the results. The doctors were surprised, but pleased to announce that his tests came back clear. He had NO sign of infection. He did have some inflammation but could not find an infectious cause. They eventually allowed us to be discharged with the understanding that we would need to maintain monitoring and follow up with our pediatrician.

We 100% attribute the good news to the Lord's healing. The doctors can't explain the lack of infection but we know that it is God's intervention and response to numerous prayers. Afterall, He is the Great Physician.

Linking up with Mommy Momments

The Bigger Picture

I don't know when I became such a worrier. I remember, how at one time, I did not spend my life worrying about what may never happen, how things would come together, and the word "if" meant very little to me. At that point in my life God was bigger than anything I'd face. When did I make Him so small?

Life lately has presented many challenges and uncertainties. These types of things have always been a part of my life, but the amount of time I allowed my mind to wonder about such things was very little. I find myself missing those days and I also find myself searching for answers. My prayers seek His wisdom and I try to rest in His assurance and promises.

This weekend brought about a lot things that I could easily allow to consume me. It's easy to be frustrated, angry, overwhelmed and worried. Will any of these feelings add greatness or blessing to my life? Will they extend my days? Will they add quality to my moments? No. These feelings only serve to steal my happiness and suppress my joy.

In a moment of tears (and in my defense, these pregnancy hormones have been on overload lately) my sweet toddler came to me with a look of serious concern upon her face. The precious words, "Mommy, you okay?" overwhelmed my heart. I know as she gets older she'll begin to understand the meaning behind tears and adult concerns and I want her to be able to face these things as God calls and enables us to. I've realized I need a spiritual overhaul when it comes to fully putting my trust in His provision.

I know He will provide and I know His timing is perfect, and yet, my human nature allows for opportunities to question that, despite the limitless evidence of His work. He does provide a peace the surpasses our understanding, but we can't rely on how we "feel" to ensure that we recognize what He is doing in our lives. After all, the heart can be deceiving. We have to cling to what we know. My best friend has served as a wonderful reminder of this truth. She keeps this state of mind in perspective for me and I realize that I need to seek the blessing instead of the "what if" in our situations.

I've been thinking on Philippians 4:6-7 and the one part that has really been embedding itself in my head is when it says, "...and thank Him for all He has done." I know to bring my requests to Him and I know I should not worry, but it is becoming more and more clear that if I take time to focus on what I am thankful for and I spend those moments thanking Him for what He's done, I do not have time to worry. His peace comes when I reflect on all that He has done, which in turn ensures my head and heart that He will continue to do so now and in the future.

Linking up for Mommy Moments



Finally Fever Free

It has been a week that I'm glad to put behind us. Our little Snickerdoodle developed a pretty high fever last Sunday. She kept that fever until about Friday when it went down a bit. According to our mid-week doctor's appointment,  it was just a lingering virus. She was pitiful!  She took her fluids well but she'd hardly eat...which is not my daughter at all.

I'm happy to say that by Saturday she was very low grade and was feeling much better despite a very runny nose and nasty sounding cough. This was wonderful news because one of my dearest friends had come into town. She hasn't seen G since she was a week old. It was so nice to catch up.

I hope we've got the sickness behind us. We stayed home from church on Sunday to get some much needed rest. G is finally fever free and we're on the mend. God is good!

Sporting her big girl ponytail

Linking up with Leslyn

Life Verse

Our little girl laughing it up in the pumpkin patch...

When we learned that our journey to baby would include a battle with infertility, we began to examine some things in our lives. Our prayers changed from focusing on what we wanted to what God wanted for us. We longed for a child but knew God, in His infinite wisdom, would fill our hearts' desire  in His time and in His way.

While this wasn't always easy as you can see, it was necessary to change our focus from an earthly here and now to a Heaven-ward patience. During that time of waiting I recalled a former camp staff worker telling me that her parents designated a specific verse for each one of their children. I began to think on this grand idea and sought a life verse to pray for our non-existent child. I was led to the verse in 1 Samuel 1:27.

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This verse became a promise from God to my heart. It gave me comfort when other words could not. I prayed that verse in future tense throughout our TTC journey and my pregnancy. I have that verse placed inside or on many of our daughter's items. I want her to never forget how loved and longed for she was and is.

Quite some time ago we began to pray for God to once again grow our family. I began to seek a life verse to pray for our future child. I was led to Job 5:9.

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This verse sums up my thoughts on TTC with infertility. Every child is a true miraculous blessing, and when you have trouble conceiving it seems to strengthen that understanding all the more. I kept a journal for our daughter from the time I found out we were expecting. Her life verse is on one of the pages and it provides a way for me to track memories for her as she grows. I look forward to passing it along to her one day.

Several months ago i began a journal for the next miracle that will prayerfully make its way into our arms. The verse from Job can be found on the first page. In this journal I've been keeping our thoughts and prayers for this unknown child since we began this new journey. I know God will perform a wonder that will bring joy to our hearts. I trust Him to perform a miracle.

We all have special ways of honoring our journeys. I'd love to hear about yours!

By the way, if you missed my last Mama Mondays post filled with our recent family pictures, you can check it out here!

Linking up with Leslyn

This Land is My Land

There is this world separate from everyday living. It is called the Land of Infertility. You need no passport to travel here; in fact, most of us arrive to this destination against our wishes. This trip can cost thousands and the emotional toll, while without a price tag, can be even more costly.

It is an all-encompassing journey.

As a Christian woman, I’ve always believed that I was made to procreate and nurture. Scripture even validates my belief…

Then God blessed them and said, “Be fruitful and multiply. Fill the earth and govern it.” Gen. 1:28a

When we encountered the reality that we were dealing with infertility, it was as if a load of bricks had been thrust upon me. I remember thinking: I saved myself for marriage. I waited for the one God had for me…I’ve tried to live according to God’s commands. How can this be? How is it that we can’t begin this family that we’ve so often talked about having? No body tells you growing up or during the "birds and bees" speech that you could face the possibility of infertility.

I struggled for over a year with these feelings and many others that I am not proud of. Jealousy ran rampart. I experienced depression. I avoided baby showers. I cried in public at the sight of pregnant women. I was not a good friend. I was in one of the darkest times of my life. It was a time that I have no doubt that Satan fed off of. 

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I cried constantly. My heart continually ached. It was a silent struggle in my life that very few had any inkling about. Some days I had to force myself to venture out.

We did receive an unexpected blessing. Out of the darkness our God shined brightly upon us and blessed us with a beautiful, healthy little girl. She is sincerely more precious and amazing than we could ever imagine.

 
April 2013

I’ve tried to be more open about my fears and concerns regarding adding to our family in the future. Countless times I’ve been told, “Well at least you already have one.” Yes. Praise God. And I am well aware that some may never know this joy. I’ve been left feeling guilty at times for wanting more children. I’ve always had a dream of a large family. People make comments or try to give advice or try to console, and while I appreciate the good intentions, I don’t want anyone to be offended when I don’t find comfort with your words. It’s a hard place to be in. It is a very difficult journey, whether you have been trying for 2 months or 12 years, it’s never easy.

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As I’ve been diving into the Word as of late, I’ve come across some similarities between my infertility journey and those in scripture. Take Sarah for instance. She was destined to bring forth a child that would influence and contribute to nations long after her life on earth was over. However, for years and on into very old age she remained barren. Her circumstances fed into feelings of anger and bitterness (Gen. 11:29) It was then that I realized, even this woman who was referred to as one of God’s most faithful (Heb. 11:11), faced a similar darkness. I was made acutely aware that there are lies. There are lies that Satan would have you dwell upon and believe. Those same lies are used to consume your hope and whittle away at your faith. Maybe you’ve heard some of these lies…

-You are alone.

-No one understands.

-You are not worthy of a child.

-It will never happen.

 

-You are broken.

These are ugly, ugly lies straight from the pit of hell. These lies creep into hearts, take root, and then grow thorns into your self-worth, your outlook on life, your marriage, your friendships, and family relationships.

In all honesty, I had gotten to a point where I avoided Sunday School because it was too painful to see all of my pregnant friends and to hear about their other children. Yes, it seems lame, but in my grief filled bubble, it was what I felt I had to do.

These lies fed my bitterness with each "unexpected/unplanned" pregnancy announcement. There were times that I thought the words, “we weren’t even trying” or “we got it on the first try” would kill me.

Like I said, it was a very dark time.

As we face the issues of infertility once again, I feel these same feelings trying to surface. I’ve been diving into scripture, persistently and boldly coming to God in prayer, and clinging to what I know is Truth. When I talk about hoping for more children in the near future, I often get the response, “you had one so you would think it would be easier this time.” You would think…but no. So while I know there will be more tears shed and more moments where I have to intentionally choose my joy over the past and current pain of disappointment, I am holding fast to several verses of scripture.

It is my hope that if you are living in the Land of Infertility, that you will seek God first. His best will be more than we can ever imagine. It is also essential that you talk about it. I have made a couple of wonderful friends through an infertility support group. Even if you only confide in one person, do it. This journey cannot be walked alone.

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I want to share with you several pieces of scripture that I have written down on both paper and my heart. I repeatedly come back to these verses as reminders of God’s goodness. I hope you’ll take time to focus on them, let them sink in; let them uproot the lies that you’ve allowed to grow in your heart and mind. Remember that you are never alone.

“Ah, Sovereign Lord, You have made the heavens and the earth by your great power and outstretched arm. Nothing is too hard for you.” Jeremiah 32:17

“Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful.” Hebrews 10:23

“You are my refuge and my shield; I have put my hope in Your word.” Psalm 119:114

“I wait for the Lord, my whole being waits, and in His word I put my hope.” Psalm 130:5

Jesus looked at them intently and said, “Humanly speaking, it is impossible. But with God everything is possible.” Matthew 19:26

Remember...when these feelings arise and reality is hard to process...you are not crazy. You're feelings are valid and above all, God is and always will be Sovereign.

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Monthly Weight Loss and Pictures

I won't even pretend that I've given a praiseworthy attempt at losing weight or accomplishing my goals this month. In fact, since I'm being completely honest, this month I hit a wall. I've been facing a weight loss plateau and I let it get the best of me. Curse this back and forth sway of 1-2lbs. I lost focus. I got caught up in the traveling, and while wonderful, I didn't eat like I should, nor exercise, during those times. I allowed being away from home to be my excuse for extra snacking and high calorie food options. I was on vacation!

We've also been facing some personal matters and I've found myself settling into old habits. More than once I caught myself turning to food for comfort. Remnants of my Emotional Eating surfaced but I refused to let them stick around.


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I've tried not to be too hard on myself...that would only crush what motivation I have left. While this last week has held many wonderful things, it has also held it's share of stress, anxiety and disappointment, but I did my best to not allow these feelings overrule my better judgment. I've gotten in a little more exercise this past week and I'm feeling better about greeting July (if you don't count the fact that half of my summer will be over ::tears::)

So while I wish I had amazing results to share with you this month...I do not. I know in order to move forward that I can't focus on "what I should have done."

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I did, however, have a memorable moment...my hubby and I took our first "real" date since the birth of our daughter over a year ago...and I wore "the dress". This dress has not been worn in almost 3 years. It fit better now than it ever has...I consider that a major accomplishment.

With all that being said, I've decided to take a step back from social media for a while. I feel that I need to be devoting myself more to some of my relationships and health and I need to get myself going forward in full motion again. I'll still be blogging, but maybe not as often and as for Facebook...don't be offended when I look clueless if you tell me about something you posted. More than likely I will have missed it. As much as I love reading updates, I have some updating that I need to do outside of the technological realm. God bless and I hope all of you are enjoying your summer!

 

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Go To What You Know

This week has held a lot of highs and lows for me on a personal level. In venting to my amazing (and I can't stress that enough) best bud, I was given some advice. I know she will be rolling her eyes because of her humble heart when I say this, but she is truly a source of reason and sensibility. I never face judgment and I always hear truth. Tonight's tidbit?  "Go to what you know..."

 

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Sitting here alone this evening, I've had a little bit of time to reflect on those five words. With what has been on my heart and mind these past few days, it just seems timely and completely appropriate that I focus on what I know as reminders to get me through these moments. This is not an exhaustive list but it is a place to start...It is my hope that you'll find encouragement, just as I have, through the power and truth of God's Holy Word.

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-His mercies are new. Whatever short comings I face today (and I admit this week has been filled with many mommy fails, wife fails, friend fails, etc.) His love and mercy endures. He finds me where I am and will not leave me there to wander.

Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,
    for his compassions never fail. They are new every

morning; great is your faithfulness.

Lam. 3:22-23

-This too shall pass. The things that I'm facing today, tomorrow, haunts from yesterday...all of them are fleeting. They are moments in my life that God can use to mold me. They are also moments that I can use to glorify God, build my testimony and deepen my faith.

For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long.  Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever.  So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen.  For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever.

2 Cor. 4:17-18

-There is victory. Regardless of disappointments, short comings, and the like, there is victory in Jesus.

But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.

1 Cor. 15:57

-I am blessed beyond measure, even when my heart hurts.

But blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord,
whose confidence is in him.
They will be like a tree planted by the water
that sends out its roots by the stream.
It does not fear when heat comes;
its leaves are always green.
It has no worries in a year of drought
and never fails to bear fruit.

Jer. 17:7-8

Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

Matt. 5:4

 

 

-His timing is perfect.

Delight yourself in the LORD and He will give you the desires of your heart.

Ps. 37:4

 

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Chasing Dreams

"Show me your ways, Lord,
    teach me your paths.
 Guide me in your truth and teach me,
    for you are God my Savior,
    and my hope is in you all day long." 

Psalm 25:4-5

God has been teaching me a lot through this verse lately. My sweet hubby and I have a lot of dreams before us and our prayers center around the Lord's will and what He would have for us. I've had a lot of "moments" lately where my perspectives have been challenged and in some instances, changed.

Earlier this week I was talking to my best friend about some of the things weighing on my heart. I told her that I really want to be in God's will and that I am doing my best to seek what He would have for us. In her infinite wisdom she told me that she "once heard that if we are following Him, then we are already in His will. We don't need to worry about figuring out if we are or aren't." Basically I am following Christ and by doing this, His plan will unfold before me through prayer and obedience. I've never thought about my walk with God that way. Maybe it's the church jargon but I've always thought that part of my job as a follower of Christ is to continually seek His will...but I've begun to realize that it's not necessarily His will I am to seek, but to wholeheartedly seek Him instead. By seeking and following after Him, His plan for my life will become evident, His will becomes my will and while I may not always have or gain understanding of His workings (Is. 55:9) I will be giving foundation to my hopes and dreams that are aligned with His plan.

It's no secret that my hubby and I want to add to our family. We've prayed about adoption in the past and have done so now. While we would like to do this in the future, we do not feel called at this time. We do, however, know that God has laid the desire for more children in our hearts. We welcome the beautiful mess that is parenthood.



A typical scene in G's playroom

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My PCOS journey has forced us to deal with matters of infertility, depression, strained relationships, and the testing of our faith. In December of last year I met with my doctor regarding my PCOS diagnosis. I had switched practitioners right before I found out I was pregnant with G, and since we have begun discussing future children, I thought it best to seek out her guidance. Can I just say I love my doctor?! She always has a plan. She always takes the time to answer my questions whether in the office or via email. She is always supportive, open and honest. I am in such good hands.

She ran a gamete of tests and determined that my testosterone levels were high. When this occurs, it causes other necessary hormones for pregnancy to be awry. Her first objective was to help level out those hormones. Then came the medication...again. Anyone who knows me knows that I hate taking medication, but one does what she must. She also recommended that I work on losing 5-10% of my body weight. This is supposed to help support balancing my hormones, potentially increase my fertility and eventually lead to a healthy pregnancy. It was at that point that my weight loss journey began.

I've since lost over 5% and I'm working my way towards that 10% goal. In the midst of losing weight it was noted that I was not ovulating sufficiently so I was put on Clomid to assist with ovulation. We're hoping that these efforts will result in a healthy pregnancy in the near future. All we can do is wait.

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Waiting is so HARD! There is nothing easy about it. To help with this during my first pregnancy I began a journal for our child. I wrote to our child often and once we found out her gender and decided on her name, the entries became that much more personal. I still write in that journal and I look forward to giving it to her one day. To help with this new time of waiting, I've begun a new journal in hope of filling the pages with letters, stories and memories for another child. Both of these journals contain not only sentiments but their designated life verses and names that we had/are considering.

The top journal is for G and the bottom is for our "yet to be" baby

We truly believe the Lord has wonderful things in store for our family and as we walk this road we are trying to not fall back into the feelings of anxiety, doubt and fear that we faced during our previous journey to baby. God continues to speak to my heart as I chase these dreams. I'm going after what I believe He has for us and I am doing my best to remain hopeful.

I'm continuing to learn a lot about prayer and coming boldly to His throne with my requests and praise. In Marla Alupoaicei's book study, Prayer Warrior Mom: Covering your kids with God's blessings and protection, she quotes a passage from Martin Collin's "Parable of the Persistent Friend."

God often answers us after long and preserving requests. He hears prayers and grants

blessings long after they appear to be unanswered or withheld. He does not promise to 

give blessings immediately. He promises only that He will do it according to His

will and plan. Although He promises to answer the prayer of the faithful, often He

requires us to wait a long time to try our faith. He may allow us to persevere for months

or years, until we are completely dependent on Him, until we see that there is no other

way to receive the blessing, and until we are prepared to receive it. Sometimes, we are not

ready to receive a blessing when we first ask...If what we ask for is good and accords with

God's will, He will give it at the best time possible. 

So in this time of waiting, I will continue to move forward with the things that I already have going, steps towards other dreams we have, and I will try not to focus or reflect too much on the pain of our past. While those painful moments have been an important part of getting us to where we are both in love and appreciation for the gifts we've been given, they also bring back an ache that is far too familiar and will only distract me from what lies ahead. I'd appreciate your prayers as we wait. 

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He is Enough

This week will be filled with baking! I have 250 cake pops to make and create by Friday afternoon. As much as I'd love to have G at home this first week out of school, I'd accomplish very little with her around. I'm looking forward to this upcoming wedding weekend. The couple that I am making cake pops for is amazing. I have seen this couple survive the high school years and now, as they continue through adulthood, I have the honor and pleasure of seeing them wed this coming Saturday.

I spent time with the bride and her mother in the nursery at church this past Sunday. We talked wedding details and honeymoon plans. I tell you, it makes me want to get married all over again. I loved planning the details of my wedding...maybe someday I'll get a vow renewal ceremony.

Our Wedding 2008

We also discussed how there are typical conversation starters for each new event in our lives. When you get engaged, people instantly begin asking about the date. Hello, we've only been engaged for 5 minutes! Once the date is set people want to know details and the honeymoon location. It seems immediately upon saying "I do" people want to know when you'll start having kids...not if you want to have kids, but when. Then, maybe you've had this experience as well, you're laying in the hospital bed, sore, tired, in love with your first born, and people already begin asking when you'll have another. It's as if you're constantly playing the game of 20 Questions.

For us, this last question has always been a bit difficult. We've found ourselves laughing over the irony. For the first few years of our marriage we remained cautious as we tried to "plan" our family. After a long time of trying with no success, we found out I was dealing with PCOS induced infertility. We joined the thousands of couples longing for a baby and struggled not knowing when or how God would fill our heart and home with the sounds of a little one.

Since G's birth, people have been asking when we'll have another. Most of these inquiries are not aware of our infertility struggles and only ask out of curiosity. This questioning has picked up since G's first birthday. Never mind that I've tried to savor this past year. Forget the prayers and tears that went into her conception. While I know this is not the mentality of those who ask, it is still somewhat difficult for me. These questions bring back emotions from our past struggles and it causes me to stare straight into the unknown. The answer to this question is, "I don't know. I don't know when God will bless our lives again. I don't know when we'll make G a big sister. I don't know how long it will take."

What I do know is that God is good. He is enough. I do not believe He would place the desire of more children in our hearts just to leave it void. One thing I am continually reminded of is that His Will is perfect. He may not fulfill our dreams in the way we expected or when we think it should happen. He will bless us beyond our dreams and His timing is always perfect. I'll be the first to admit that these truths have not always provided comfort like we think it should. It is hard to see those around you living out your hopes and dreams. Here is another truth: comparison kills joy.

There were countless dark hours that I would cry out to God asking, "why not us?" I would look at others, who I loved and still love dearly, add to their families month after month. I was so caught up in my own pain that I often neglected to remember that not all of those journeys were easy. It seemed as if everyone I knew was expecting. I was in a very dark place. I was not a friend, wife, or Christian that I could be proud of. Thankfully, God never left me. Although there were times it felt my prayers were bouncing off of Heaven, He was still there.

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In His time, He blessed our lives with a beautiful little girl. We've committed her life and upbringing to the Lord. We will be forever humbled that He chose us to be her parents.

I write all of this to 1. vent and 2. offer hope to those who also face the uncertainties that come with infertility and PCOS. I know the questions are rarely easy to answer without the ache. At those times I try to focus on the unwavering truth that I serve a God who is bigger than any infertility diagnosis. I love a God who will never forsake us. When the darkness seems to overwhelm you, the questions stir those painful emotions, and your hope seems small, remember that He is enough. I was reminded of this just this morning as I was washing some dishes. The song "Enough" came on and as the lyrics filled my head, I felt my heart begin to singing. Life may not go as we planned but through it all...



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Enough-Barlow Girl

 

Silent Moments

You know those moments...those God moments? The kind that hit you in the silence and yet seem so loud when His presence touches your heart? I love those moments. I cherish those moments. I need those moments. There are times in my life like the present when my relationship with Christ seems a bit more quiet than at other times. While I know He's there, I feel distant.

I know I'm to blame because He is always there. Though I may not hear Him, He is speaking and listening to my heart. While I may feel alone in my thoughts, He is aware of every. single. one. Last night the house was still. The baby was sleeping peacefully across the hall and my husband was gone on a fire call. It was just me in the silence.

While getting ready for bed, I felt prompted to pick up my old Bible. My mom gave me this Bible in 2000...hard to believe it's 14 years old. The cover was slightly dusty, but it felt just like I remembered. Suddenly, all of the anxiety and past emotions that have been rising to the surface this week were stilled. I just sat there...in the silence. A couple of books from the New Testament were falling out from years of use and the pages were filled with underlines, highlighter, notes in the margins and post-it notes. I was reminded of all of the joy and tears that I had poured over those pages. I remembered the moments of peace that the underline passages provided at just the right time.

In those few moments I felt so at peace despite the angst that I've been carrying. I felt God's presence fill the room. In those silent moments I was reminded that even though my heart battles the past and hopes for the future, He has given me the present. I decided to open that Bible and focus on the first thing my eyes ran across. The book fell open to Proverbs 19:21.

 

Many plans occupy the mind of a man, but the Lord's purposes will prevail.

So very timely. I sat and stared at the words on the page. I let them soak into my soul, swirl into my mind, and take root in my heart. While I still cling to things hoped for, I am learning to let go. My life is a continuous example of what God can do with a life. His work is woven throughout my life's story. His protection, His guidance, His goodness...all of those things and more weave the thread that holds this imperfect person together.

I eagerly seek more silent moments. It's often in those moments that He speaks the loudest.

Revisiting the Journey

I enjoy waking up to blog posts from my dear friend and this morning was no exception. She has begun to blog about her pregnancy. The sweet moments, the ups and downs and all of the in-between moments, had me thinking back to my pregnancy. At this time last year we were just a couple of weeks from our daughter's unexpected arrival. It's hard to believe! I laid in bed listening to G babble over the monitor and could not help but revisit our journey.

Courtesy of Shay White Photography

We prayed so long for our little one and after my PCOS diagnosis, infertility treatment that led to many disappointments, wavering dreams, doctor visits, medications, blood work, etc., our prayers were answered. While we dream of adding to our family at some point, the anxieties and fears of our past attempt to rise to the surface. How quickly I can forget God's goodness and faithfulness. Not once did He leave me to hurt alone. While the journey was not easy, I was able to experience God in ways that I had not been able to do before. When you are TTC you enter into a whole new world. Whether it was the circumstances, the hormones or the medication, I was super sensitive and dealt with levels of emotions I was not prepared to experience. I know I didn't handle relationships in the best manner and I'm determined to find other ways to cope this go around.

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In discussing our hope to add to our family again someday, I often hear, "well at least you already have one baby if it doesn't work." Just an FYI, that does not ease the angst. While this statement is true, when the Lord places this type of desire in my heart, it is not something I can just shrug my shoulders at. I am not selfish. I am not ungrateful. While our experiences and journey were not as involved or as lengthy as some, it was our journey. It was our pain. It was our waiting. It was our hope. It was our joy. While many prayed for and empathized with us, we still experienced some dark times. I've been praying that the Lord will prepare our hearts and heads for whatever may come. I pray for peace and understanding. I pray for a stronger, sustaining sense of joy. While we don't know what the Lord has in store for us, we remain grateful for those who continue to pray with us and for those who didn't give up on me when I was not the person I wanted to be.

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All of this brings me to this morning (did I mention I have yet another snow day?! Crazy!). After reading my friend's blog, I got feeling particularly sentimental. Her post inspired me to become a little creative. I have a "free" Shutterfly book that expires today and I had no idea what to use it for. I have been working on a book for G's first year but I still have a month to go...and the offer expires today...so instead, I thought I would put my pregnancy journal highlights into a Shutterfly album. I'm really excited (and a little anxious although I know to some that seems silly) about revisiting my pregnancy with G. I love the maternity album I created leading up to her birth but I didn't capture the ins and outs of my pregnancy...all of which I'm sure she will learn to appreciate someday.

Finding the will power...

Since Monday I feel like things have been an uphill climb. I've been told in the past that "when everything is going wrong, you must be doing something right." Satan hates anything we do to become better examples for Christ...and caring for myself is no exception. I think of all the times when I have not been at my best and he has used those times to drag me down.

Despite obstacles this week, I am determined to do my best. I've gotten in cardio Sunday, Tuesday and tonight. While browsing Pinterest for some inspiration,  I ran across the following quote:

 

 

Drawing on the strength of the Lord to further my discipline is essential. Those three little words, "Change me, Lord" can have monumental effects when you truly let go and let God. As I've mentioned before, this is not an area of my life that I have ever readily given over to the Lord. The time has come. Over the last three weeks I have been asking Him to change me...and change me He shall. I hope you too will find the Source of Encouragement and move forward against whatever challenge you are facing.