What is Your Lion?

What keeps you up at night? You may think that it is something you watched on television or the sad news on the other end of the phone or a stack of bills you cannot pay. However, if you really look at what is keeping you awake, you’ll find that it boils down to what those thoughts or situations are prompting. Difficult, threatening and painful situations evoke feelings. Those feelings come in the way anxiety and fear. It is the anxiety and fear that leaves you lying awake with a full mind, troubled heart, and a pile of used tissues.

 We think that it is the event or possibilities that keep us awake, but it is actually the feelings those circumstances or experiences evoke. I have been dealing with nightmares and flashbacks for the last couple of months. They cause my anxiety level to rise quickly. My stress level also rises. These high levels then begin impacting me physically. I’ll feel sick, tired and overwhelmed.

 During a recent counseling session, my counselor told me to find time over the next couple of weeks to sit with the tragedy that I had experienced. I did not know what she meant by that at first. She explained that I am constantly battling how I feel. I am constantly trying to be strong and be where people think I should be in the healing process. I am trying to plan ahead and predict what may or may not happen. She recognized that I have yet to really sit with what has happened…

 This Monday was a Snow Day. As a teacher, it means an extra day of snuggles and downtime with my kiddos. I woke up thinking, today needs to be the day. Today needs to be the day when I sit in the quiet and just be with what has happened. No processing. No “what ifs”. I need to just be with the reality. I took my kids to the sitter, and despite wanting them here with me, I came home and sat in the silence.

 Revisiting October 11^th is painful. In fact, painful does not begin to describe it, but without details that I am not quite ready to share, know that pain is weaved all throughout.

 I was drawn back to a verse that I had come across not long after getting this “assignment” from my counselor.

I think back to what happened and I think about this verse. This tragedy is my “lion”. I was spared life. Each day that passes, I find moments where sadness overwhelms me, but I am also seeing more moments of joy…joy that I was not sure I’d be able to feel again. We are instructed to rejoice in all things (1 Thessalonians 5:16) and I have been finding ways to rejoice about what I’ve been through. Each day He is giving me strength. He is offering me grace each morning my feet hit the floor. He is by my side. My testimony has grown exponentially through this devastation and as I become more able to share, it will serve as an avenue for me to witness to others about God’s goodness and love. There is a message in this part of my life that needs to be heard. Just as in Timothy’s time, there are those living a life without the Salvation of Christ. If my story can pierce or soften one heart that will come to know Him, then it will have been worth all the heartache.

I have been delivered from the lion’s mouth. I have been set apart to share what others can or may not share. I have seen how God has saved me from the wreckage. While I still struggle with certain feelings and circumstances, I am no longer captive, and you need not be either. He is by your side. He will give you strength. He will deliver you.

What is your lion?

What's Going Right

I've been allowing myself to be bogged down by a lot lately. I've been focused on all that is going wrong. I've been anxious about all that "might or might not" happen. I've permitted all of the things that are not going as I'd wished to squash the joy that comes when I focus on what is going right.

During my devotional this morning I was hashing out my feelings to God and in a split second, one of those sobering God moments, I was reminded of two things.

1. My trials are filled with purpose.

Truth be told, it is easier to wallow in our frustrations than it is to find the good in our difficulties. Who doesn't love a good pity party? Having been a frequent [pity] party goer lately, I know all too well how misery loves company. I also know how one party leads to another and another and before we know it, we are no longer living a joy-filled life. It's time I throw away the constant invitations to these parties. I no longer need to RSVP. I simply need to toss them to the wind and live joy-filled.

2. There are things going right!

At the end of my devotional time, I was led to make a list of what is actually going right. The timing might not be mine, the outcomes might not be what I'd hoped for, but there are things going right. 

I find that despite what I'd like for timing and end results, the Lord's way is perfect, both in timing and plan.

Here is just a sample of my "What's going right..." list:

-My children are healthy

-Good marriage

-Jobs

-Positive preschool experience

-Temporary living secured

-Temporary homes for our pets

-My mom is now in VA permanently

-Food on the table

-Clothes to wear

-Bills paid

-Wonderful news from friends and family

-Friendships

My list could go on and on...if you were to take time to look at all that is going right in your life, what would be on your list?

I hope you'll take a moment to remember the blessings you have in your life. Even in our lowest moments, there are still people suffering more than ourselves. Remember, what you now take for granted, someone else is still praying for.

We've Been Given the Green Light

-original photo credit-

We get frustrated when we hit a red light because it stops us in our tracks. We cannot move forward until we are given the go ahead. We try to push through the yellow lights so that we can hopefully avoid the red lights. We often rush through in a hurry, rarely looking around to see if anyone else is in our way.

We welcome the green lights. They mean we can pass through freely without hesitation. These traffic signals are similar to the way we approach life. I’m finding myself likening our journey to this vital piece of transportation safety.

 My husband and I ran into many red lights in our attempts to start a family. We eased our way through some yellow lights in hope that we could get through without incident. Finally, we were given our green lights and the miracles that bless our lives came to be.

 For several years now, we have been dreaming a big dream together. We have had a dream to build our own home that incorporates our wishes, style, and future memories. We’ve dreamed of the home our children would grow up in; it is the same home we hope to grow old in. With that undertaking comes a lot of planning, beginning with where we would build.

 The acreage in our area is pretty pricey. This is attributed to the beautiful mountain views and desirable, quiet lifestyle that can be found in the landscape. We had our eyes on several pieces of property but none of them seemed right. They either wanted more than we could afford or we could not get at least the amount of land we have now. We continually felt like we were sitting at a red light that would never change. Fortunately, we did not have to sit there forever.

 Two years ago come this September, we signed our names to a piece of property. It provides gorgeous mountain views and presents us with enough property to hunt, raise a few farm animals and have plenty of play space for the kids. A dream come true…more accurately, an amazing answer to prayer. We had hoped to get at least 6-7 acres, which is what we currently have. The Lord blessed us with 28 acres at a price that was well within our ability to afford. The result was unheard of to the ears of man, unless those ears have ever heard the amazing, miraculous blessings that are granted by the Lord.

We’ve not done a lot to the property as of yet. My husband and his volunteer fire department did burn down the old house on the property. That was an experience. I’m excited to say that we did spare several pieces of wood from the old home to make a farm style table. It will be such a treat to maintain a piece of the old home that once was there.

However, before we can start the table, we need to have a home to put it in. We have been sitting at this red light for almost 2 years. The list of worries, to-do’s and what ifs has been extremely long. At times, we’ve been very overwhelmed and equally frustrated at the lack of forward movement. Why?

The house has not been ready for sale…I mentioned a long list of to-dos.

Where will we stay in the meantime?

We have four dogs and two cats. Most rentals do not allow pets and/or do not have the space to accommodate our animals. What will we do with them?

How will we afford everything?

And then…green light!

In the midst of all these questions, we have been given the green light to begin moving forward with our dream. We still have things we have to complete in the house before putting it up for sale. However, we have a meeting with our realtor the last week of the month. Our goal is to then have the house up for sale by August 15^th (or sooner). We have prioritized the things we’d like to have done instead and are focusing on what must be done.

Within the last two weeks, my husband’s grandmother’s house has become available. We will be able to rent this until our house is sold and our new home is built.

The pets? My mom is going to keep our two small dogs. Our two cats will be housed by a friend of mine who also fosters and volunteers with one of the local no-kill shelters. We are currently still trying to determine what we’ll be able to do with our two large dogs, but everything else has worked out. I have no doubt that this will too.

We have always had a budget and adjusted prior to the birth of our son. Maternity leave cuts my check a great deal and we altered our budget to accommodate this change. I’ll receive my full check again this fall, which will help a lot. My husband has been working a lot of overtime (mandatory). This serves as a mixed blessing. We miss him dearly when he is gone for several days at a time, but the extra funds will definitely be helpful. We’re selling things that we do not need and cutting corners where we can. I know undoubtedly that we will be fine.

 I think I get so wrapped up in the details because I am a planner. I have to know how things are going to work out and I get stressed and anxious when I do not know or cannot fix them. I also like control. I like to control the outcome. I have a vision and it is hard for me to let go of what I think would be best. However, this part of our journey has reminded me that I do not always know what may be best. I would have had us moved out and building two years ago, but the timing was not right. I see that now

 I have also been reminded that no matter what lies before me or what the future holds, God is already there. He already has the best in place for me. It is merely my job to go as He instructs. At the end of this month we will be making the move into our rental. Prayerfully our old house will sell quickly and the building will begin shortly after. I look forward to sharing more about this new chapter in the days to come.

What have you been given the green light to do?

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What's Bigger Than My Diagnosis?

I was thrilled when Caroline shared her Infertility link-up with me. It's been a week of advocating and spreading the word on infertility...also known as life and/or National Infertility Awareness Week! I was even more excited when she said that she was hoping those of us that have seen the other side of infertility would contribute. I truly believe it is essential that women see that there is another side...a side of hope...to this life altering diagnosis.

My husband and I were extremely cautious early in our marriage. We did not want to bring children into our family until we were "ready" or "the time was right". I set an alarm for my birth control (even on my honeymoon) to ensure that we would not experience any "surprises". The joke was on us. After 3 years of marriage we decided we'd go ahead and start adding to our family. Our natural efforts were not successful and I sought answers to my questions from my gynecologist. She eventually diagnosed me with PCOS and put me on Metformin. I was never given an explanation for her decisions, but she was my doctor. Why would I question her?

After months of additional negative pregnancy tests, she said she wanted to put me on Clomid. Once again, no blood work, ultrasounds or explanations. She said if that did not work then she would not be able to assist us further and would refer us to a specialist. She said it may just be an issue of not being able to have children.

::tears::

Confusion.

Anger.

Bitterness.

My husband and I prayed about our next step and we decided to forgo meeting again with my doctor and seek out a second opinion. We were led to the doctors at University Physicians for Women at Northridge. I went with this practice for a variety of reasons. The majority of the doctors were well versed in my PCOS diagnosis, they delivered at the hospital I had hoped to give birth in (someday), and they had direct access to highly respected infertility specialists. Upon our first visit, I knew in my heart that we had made the right choice. I was immediately put at ease by the expertise of the nurse and then by my doctor. She took me off the Metformin after receiving my blood work (she drew a full blood panel) and discovering that at the time, there was no immediate reason for me to be taking it. Upon further testing, we discovered that my testosterone was higher than normal and may be contributing to my inability to conceive. I was then put back on the meds, but with an actual reason for doing such this time.

I tracked my cycles and after more blood work, it appeared that my body would try to gear up to ovulate but could not follow through. I was heartbroken. If I wasn't ovulating then there would not be an egg waiting to be fertilized. At that point, my husband and I prayed for wisdom as to how far we would should go in our efforts to conceive. We decided that if medication was not enough, then we'd stop and try to fill our home with a child another way. We were at peace with this decision. We spoke with our doctor about our options and she completely respected our decision. From there, she came at us with a Plan A and then a Plan B if that did not work. I was thrilled to have answers and a plan.

After several months, we were still not pregnant. This medication is only permitted for a certain amount of cycles (this varies depending on the doctor) and we were two cycles away from ending the meds. My blood work initially showed that my body was gearing up but still no follow through. She upped my dosage. I then had a good ovulatory cycle, but no pregnancy. With each passing month, my heart grew more heavy. Finally...our miracle occurred.

In August 2012, we became pregnant with what would result in our beautiful baby girl.

During our first infertility journey, I can now look back to realize that I was dealing with depression. That time in my life was so dark. It was so sad. I felt broken and so alone. I had wrapped my worth up in my inability to have children and I had allowed Satan to feed my heart lies that I began to believe. Only through the grace of God did I overcome the darkness.

When we decided to try for another child, I began charting my cycles again and realized my body was back to its old ways. We discussed this with our doctor and there was no wait time. She immediately started us on the same protocol that we did the last time. Our son's conception beat the odds in terms of science due to previous and additional complications.

I've learned not to compare my story with anyone else's. It's hard...so hard...not to. Some women get pregnant by sneezing (or so it would seem) and then others face it for years without any success. Our story is not as detailed as others or the journey as long as some, but that does not make our story any less important. It has become a part of our testimony.

Our story proves that our God is bigger than any diagnosis. My hope was and is bigger than my diagnosis. I no longer allow my worth to be defined by my "broken parts". I don't know what our future holds, but I know He is good.

Without Him, we would not have our children. Our children were prayed for, longed for, and miraculous in so many ways.

::via::

My heart continues to grieve with those who face the uncertainties of infertility. I still bear scars and old feelings still surface. My journey and spiritual growth have led me to answer God's call to begin a faith based infertility support group. We have been meeting since November and it is slowly growing. My heart is so full when I am able to share our story and the stories of others. I have the privilege of reminding these women that they are loved by our God in the midst of their circumstances and that despite what is going on, He truly has their best interests at heart. I know that I had lost sight of that during my struggle.

My husband and I hope that our story can serve as hope for those who are still going through the deep waters.

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It's Come to This...

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In 2011 I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). It's a dirty diagnosis that could mean a vast variety of things with even more variations of symptoms. While there were many things I did not know about this syndrome, I was made aware that it may be the culprit behind our inability to become pregnant. After being told by my doctor that she couldn't do anything more for us other than refer us to an infertility specialist, we opted to get a second opinion.

I did some research and chose the doctor I would see. During this time, we prayed that we'd make the right choice in doctors and that we'd know the right choices thereafter when we'd come upon times to make decisions. God granted us immediate peace the moment I met with my new practice. The nurses were super knowledgeable about my condition, the doctors were wise, compassionate and empathetic. We were immediately put at ease. Blood work was ordered, meds were trial and error, failed attempts, promising signs and cycle monitoring were our lives.

Over time we battled our infertility,  not once, but twice, and fortunately, God gifted us two beautiful miracles. We count ourselves so blessed.

Through it all I couldn't help but question, "why us?" Over the course of the last year that reason has become more and more clear, and tonight will be yet another piece of this journey. My dear friend and I will begin an infertility support group and bible study. I am grateful for the few women who will be joining us and I am hoping that others will follow.

I now see that part of all the heartache, waiting and growth has brought me to this. I am amazed and humbled that God would call me from the ashes of such a difficult time in my life to share the beauty of His goodness and healing with others. I want to share the hope that can only come from Him. I want them to remember that He is bigger than any diagnosis. I want to provide comfort and encouragement to those whose hearts are riddled with questions and fears. I want them to have what I didn't.

Little did I know, even just a couple months ago, that all of that would come to this.

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Weekly Feature

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I am thrilled to announce that my first weekly feature with Arrows and Warriors has been posted. Heather from A&W shares so much of my heart and it is an honor to join her in this ministry. Yes, I said ministry. The blogging world is a great way to not only share your thoughts and document memories, but it can serve as yet another vessel to carry the Good News and love of Christ. I hope you follow along as we start this new venture. I am honored to serve alongside the other guest bloggers that you'll see here throughout the week. Check it out!!!

Currently : October

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I love fall and October is generally my favorite month. Everything about it is wonderful!  This October however has been particularly difficult.

Thinking About: I used to sleep. I don't mean a few hours at a time...I mean all night. Since N's birth, those days of restful, restorative sleep are but a distant memory. This October has been full of sickness in our family. This has greatly contributed to many sleepless nights. For instance, we've experienced the following:
-My diagnosis of octal migraines (yes, my eyes have migraines)
-Teething
-Fevers
-Strep
-Common cold (which is miserable for the babes)

Working On: November's meal menu. I love breaking out the crock pot this time of year.

Learning: It's an ongoing process when it comes to learning how to accept things that are beyond my control. I want to learn how to really slow down and embrace the now instead of constantly feeling like I need to be prepping for the next thing.

Watching: The leaves are turning. It's peak season here and everything is gorgeous. How quickly time flies.

Listening to: G console her baby brother. They both have colds and when he coughs she does what she can to comfort him.

Trying: I'm really trying to get some order back in our home. Between myself and the kids being sick, I've been trying to disinfect but haven't done well to keep things organized.

Loving: I'm loving all the little things. Life goes by far too quickly and every moment we have is a gift.

Baby N's Birth Story

Birth stories, to me, are testimonies of miraculous life events. They are examples of love, empowerment, and a humbling dose of real life. I loved reading birth stories as sources of encouragement leading up to my own delivery and I've been looking forward to sharing my own. I shared a brief recap of our daughter's birth story when I first began to blog in June of 2013 and now the time has arrived to share another.

Both of our children are truly miracles. We battled against infertility for both of them and it was only through God's blessing that they were conceived. I've grown to embrace our struggles with infertility because they have made us that much more grateful for our children and they have brought us blessings that we would not have otherwise experienced. I share all of this to preface what I consider a beautiful story. To some it will probably not seem very significant. To some it may even seem a bore, but to me, it is a treasure. It is our story. It is the (lengthy) story of how our son entered the world.

There are many reasons why I consider our son's existence miraculous and each milestone during my pregnancy was a reason to rejoice. One issue that I combatted throughout the course of my pregnancy was hypertension. I dealt with this during my daughter's pregnancy as well and I was well versed in what that could potentially mean for me come time for delivery. It was my hope to have our son naturally and without an induction. I feared what an induction could mean and I was already at a higher risk for a C-section for various reasons and I did not want to add to the likelihood. I watched my sodium intake, took my meds and worked hard to keep my weight gain at a minimum (under the supervision of my doctors.) I was proud of having only gained 17lbs during this pregnancy and I was feeling good about things as my due date neared. However, about 6 weeks prior to my due date, my doctors discussed the probability of an induction based on my rising/inconsistent blood pressure numbers and the impact it was having on the baby. I must mention that my doctors only discuss induction if medically necessary, thus I knew it was serious.

37 weeks

Around 37 weeks we decided that we would induce at 39 weeks (July 5) unless something more serious occurred . Upon a quick check, we learned that I was already at 3cm and 50% effaced. Based on the early arrival of my daughter and my current numbers, my doctor did not believe that I would make my induction date...and she ended up being correct.

My husband was due to return to work on July 1. I was secretly praying that the baby would either come before that day or not make any major changes until the day of our induction. We live almost an hour from the hospital, he works about an hour from home and I could not wrap my head around trying to get our toddler taken care of and work my way to the hospital without him...although one would do what she must. I woke up the morning of June 30th feeling what I thought might be contractions but they were only occurring about once every hour (beginning at 6a.m.) I never even knew I was contracting with my daughter so I was not sure what I should be experiencing. By around 1p.m. I was pretty certain that I was feeling contractions and I began timing them. They were happening about every half hour. By 2p.m. I was experiencing them about every 10 minutes. My husband took my blood pressure and it was also elevated...both were signs that our doctor had told us to look for and call if they happened. I contacted Labor and Delivery and they told us to go ahead and come in.

We dropped our daughter off at the sitter's house. She would be staying with her at whatever point we were admitted to the hospital. The "pains" I was feeling were very mild and I almost believed they would probably send us home. After all, I wasn't doubled over and my water had not broken. We arrived at the hospital and I was examined. I was making a bit of progress despite the monitor only picking up what appeared to be cramping. My doctor was convinced that I was in labor and wanted to go ahead and admit me based on my blood pressure. I was still 3cm but was now 75% effaced. She did a membrane sweep and that really helped to get things going. My contractions steadily became stronger but still manageable. At around 5:30p.m. we were officially admitted, had contacted our sitter, had met the staff  members that we would be working with through the rest of our labor and delivery and had settled into our room.

My first labor and delivery were very quick, especially for a first timer. From start to finish it was about 7 hours (4 hours of which were actually active labor, with only one of those hours being the actual transition phase) with about 7 minutes of pushing. I did not have medication of any kind and had every intention of doing it the same way with this delivery. Things don't always go the way you plan...

After about 5 hours of strengthening contractions, they checked my progress. I was only at 4cm and 80% effaced. What?! Are you kidding me?! I wanted to cry. I settled in again and knew that I needed to try and get some sleep, especially since there was nothing that seemed to be speedy about this labor. Of course, my contractions continued to pick up and I became more uncomfortable, so as my husband slept, I tossed and turned, attempting to remain comfortable.

At 1:10a.m. my water broke...and it hurt! I was not expecting the pain and I called out to my husband telling him what had happened. We buzzed for my nurse who came in immediately. I told her that I was certain my water had broken and as I shifted, the flood gates opened. I knew what this meant. Based on my last delivery, once my water had broken, my contractions almost immediately became more intense and delivery was just around the corner.

The next day...

As my contractions quickly became much  more painful and closer together, I readied myself. I was going to do this and I just knew that my son was moments away from greeting the world. They checked me after about an hour and I was only at 6cm. I wanted to cry. Why were things progressing so slowly?! After some time I had to make a decision. I was physically and mentally exhausted from having worked through so many intense contractions (they were coming about every minute to minute and a half). I could not imagine how I was going to muster up the strength to deliver our baby. I opted for an epidural.

Because of the intensity of my contractions, it was a little more challenging to place the epidural but the anesthesiologist was amazing and with the help of my husband and nurse, I was eventually hooked up and good to go. It took a bit for the meds to kick in and I only had what was necessary to take the edge off of the pain. I could still move and I could still feel pressure. After the epidural was placed, I was checked again. This time, I was at a 9 and about 90% effaced. However, N was not tolerating the contractions and was showing continuous signs of distress. My doctor and I discussed what that meant and what may have to happen if he was not delivered in the very near future. I prayed for him to move down. I prayed for my cervix to fully dilate and I prayed for his health and safety as the minutes ticked by.

A little after 4:00a.m. my doctor wanted me to do a couple "practice" pushes to see if we could get him to lower since he was still not stationed where we needed him. She told me that at any point she told me to stop, it was because he was where he needed to be and she needed to get the remainder of the delivery team in there. Within two contraction, she told me to stop. The team rushed in and within what seemed like seconds they had everything ready to go and it was time to bring our baby into the world. I pushed for about 3 minutes and our son graced our lives at 4:15a.m.

I soon learned that the reason he was not tolerating the contractions was because the cord had been wrapped around his neck 3 times. Praise Jesus for keeping our sweet boy safe. He was perfect. He had a beautiful cry, strawberry blonde hair and the sweetest little face. He was immediately placed on my chest and eventually his daddy got to cut the cord. For the next hour we lay skin to skin. I soaked in the surreal moments as the fact that we were now a family of four began to sink in.

While I know words can never convey the true emotions that are experienced during a time like this, I am so glad to be able to share my heart. I consider our family to be abundantly blessed and to our Lord I will forever be grateful. The past few days have been trying as we adjust to new (lack of) sleep schedules, living around the needs of an infant and trying to balance and plan intentional time with our toddler. However, I cherish it all, for I know this too shall pass and our babies will grow up too fast.

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Name Them One by One

One thing about caring for a newborn means that I'm awake...a lot. It may be in a drone like state most of the time but I'm awake nonetheless. In the daybreak hours the past few days I've been doing a lot of reflecting on our current circumstances and how God's hand is evident everywhere. It's easy to get wrapped up in worry, bogged down in bitterness and caught up in self-centered thoughts. It's even more easy to do when your sleep deprived. Satan is shameless and will use your weakened state to wedge in negativity. However, we have the power to combat the battles against us. God gives us the ability to see the beauty from ashes if we'll only take the time to look.

::via::

I've been taking some time to really focus on our blessings. With so much that is and seems wrong in the world around us, it's vital that I remember that there is still so much good. The following is not an exhaustive list of all that I could write down, but it covers some of what has come to mind this morning...

-the birth of our son this week

-the fiery spirit that is our daughter

-financial provision

-Our church family

- dedicated friends

-my mom coming in tomorrow

-awake to see the sunrise

-Finding large ticket items (for baby) for less than half the orginal price

-caring and committed medical experts

-the biliblanket  (it means we can treat our son's condition at home instead of the hospital)

-July is filled with birthdays

-my amazing husband

While I could go on and on, I'll spare you. I do hope, that despite your circumstances today and in the coming days, that you'll take some time to count your blessings. Name them one by one and I think you'll be amazed at what the Lord has done.

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