Two Months After Tragedy

I realize the blog has been particularly quiet lately. We have had a lot of life happening and I just could not justify missing it to sit in front of my laptop. I hope to be slowing down. There is a lot I want to share…things I feel I need to share.

Beauty from the ashes.

December 11^th marked two months since the tragedy. Two months. It has been an amount of time that both seems so short and so long ago at the same time.

It has been two months of recovery, physically, emotionally and mentally. There are moments that I feel like I’ve come so far in the way that I have been coping and then there are moments when a sound or smell triggers a memory that sends my mind whirling back to the day. My heart races. The adrenaline shoots through my veins. I find myself shaking.

In those moments, I frantically seek for the familiar. I look or listen for something that brings me back to my reality. Fortunately, I find it.

Over the last month it has become fairly evident that it is assumed that I am back to “normal”. I suppose because of my personality, it should just be natural for me to jump back into life as it was before. However, life is not like it was before. To those who think it has all been “fixed” and I am “better”…please, give me more time without judgement.

In a recent session with my pastor and his wife, we discussed my grief and how this event has changed my life. It is not something I want to “just forget” and move on from. It is my new normal and it is shaping who I believe God is wanting me to become.

I have been reading through Holley Gerth’s book, You’re Goingto Be Okay. I have been amazed at how, with each chapter, the content is precisely what I need for what I am experiencing. Here are a couple of gems I have been mulling over the last couple of days…

“It’s clear he wants us to thrive. He longs to bless us, yearns to bring us joy, stops at nothing to make sure we have an opportunity to experience life to the full…those places of pain are not where we’re made to dwell” (p.112)

“Jesus said, ‘I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full’ John 10:10. He didn’t say an easy life. He didn’t say a self-indulgent life where all your wishes are granted. He didn’t say a life free from pain. But he did say a full life. One of joy, peace, love, and hope. It’s not only possible---it’s promised” (p.117)

I know there are still some who are not familiar with what has happened and in time, I believe that part of my testimony will be shared. October 11^th has become a part of me. However, as the Lord continues to remind me, it is not who I am. The flashbacks and the nightmares are not where I am meant to dwell. God does not mean for me to live without joy and happiness.

If you are going through a season of grief, sadness or pain, remember, while it may not seem as such, it is only temporary. This truth has become prevalent as we head into this Christmas season. Jesus Himself was no stranger to the aches in this life. After all, it is why He came. His descent from Heaven to Earth was to bring the promise of Hope and Joy. In knowing the days we would face ahead, God knew we would need something to cling to. That Hope came in the form of a baby in a manger. It came in the form of a man, leading a perfect, sinless life, who would later die for the sins and imperfections of all. It came in the form of a Savior on a cross, who would breathe His last breath to give us Life.

“For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save
the world through him.”
John 3:17

Linking up for Mommy Moments

An Act of Kindness

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December 19th will be marked as one of our most difficult days to date.  I'm not at a point of sharing the "why" yet and with the joy I have in my heart from some of the events of today, I can't focus on those other things right now anyway. (I know you're curious and one day I'm sure I'll share...)

As for those good things...my hubby and I got to spend some much needed quality time together. After a long morning we opted to grab lunch at IHOP. Who doesn't love pancakes?! Side note: The Caramel Bon Bon pancakes are amazing! And no, I was not compensated to say that.

We enjoyed a yummy lunch and then gathered our things to leave. While waiting in line to pay, I stepped to the side, leaving more room for other customers since my hubby was going to pay. I saw a lady begin talking to him. I heard her ask if he worked for the fire department (he had on one of his firefighter hats.) He shared with her his career and volunteer firefighter positions. I saw her hug him and then thank him for what he does. I then saw my husband shaking his head, telling the lady no about something and then he eventually walked over to me...she insisted on paying for our meal! This precious,  blessed soul paid for our meal without any hesitation.  She told him that at one point this deed had been done for her and she wanted to pass the kindness along and that she wanted to do something to thank him for his service.

I cried.

I wanted to run and hug her and thank her for her act of unexpected kindness. This might have freaked her out so...

Instead I prayed prayers of blessings over this sweet woman and her family. My hubby and I are still humbled and can't wait to pass this bit of joy along.

How can you spread a little more kindness in the days to come?

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Five on Friday: Sneak Peeks!!!

Hippity Hop on over for today's Five on Friday!!! Join me and others as we share some of our favorite things.

 

 

This week has been full of wonderful things!!! Here are a couple recaps and sneak peeks of things to come!

 

[one]

On Monday we took G to the NC Zoo for the first time. The trip went really well. We ate some delicious food and visited a couple of neat places (antiques and cupcakes included). You can read about our wonderful, but short, family vacation here.

 

 

[two]

Over the weekend we introduced two new members to our family. Ace and Rigby were rescued and then became the newest of our adopted additions (we also have four dogs that we've adopted through various shelters and rescues.) Meet Ace and Rigby if you haven't already!

 

 

 

[three]

On this day last year, I was being unexpectedly admitted to Labor and Delivery for the birth of our daughter. We were unprepared and could not believe the time was near. We were both honestly expecting her to hang in there for at least another week. Unbeknownst to me, I was 4cm and 75% effaced at my weekly appointment and had progressed to 6cm within two hours of blood pressure monitoring...which is what caused our admittance. I still can't believe that we'll be celebrating G's first birthday tomorrow!!!

 

Hospital gowns are never flattering...I've found a cute pattern for one. Maybe I'll get ambitious and make one for the next one.

 

[four]

My mom and sister are here and my best friend will be coming in from out of town to celebrate G's birthday with us. I hate the distance between us and miss them dearly. The moments I can have them here are always so special and I treasure every moment. They will be helping me set up for G's party after her first egg hunt tomorrow morning. Here are a few things you may see in upcoming birthday pictures...

 

 

 

[five]

I joined others for an Easter Basket Blog Hop earlier this week. I adored working with my hubby to fill her first Easter basket. You can check out all the fun by stopping by my Egg-stra special blog post. G and I also made special gift bags filled with goodies for her aunt, Granna, Papa and Granny. Don't you just love those little chicks?! Baby feet make things so sweet!

 

 

 

 

Five on Friday

It's finally Spring...both in season and in current temperatures! April showers are sure to bring May flowers and Fridays bring their Five. Join me and others for this week's Five on Friday!

[one]
While this week has not been so great in the way of my exercise and weight loss, it has been great for some semi-baking. I don't normally participate in April Fool type festivities, but I could not resist. I provided my students with a word hunt that didn't actually have any of the listed words in the puzzle. The cuties poured over it for several minutes, muttering under their breaths about the difficulty. After a few minutes I broke the news. All but one proved to be good sports...I also shared some goodies with my co-workers. I tried a new recipe for Chocolate Yummies (the title does not do them justice...they were delish!) I put them in a little zip lock baggy promising inaccurate nutritional information...and then dashed their hopes at the end. Nothing fancy but totally fun :)

[two]
I've been cherishing some God moments this week. One of which is a small group Bible study that I am hoping to begin. I feel God moving and I see things coming together. Due to some needs that I'll need to meet in order for this to happen, we will (in the VERY near future) be transforming our office/catch-all room into a playroom (multi-purpose). I've been toying with some ideas. I want some thing bright but not too complicated or overwhelming. We do have hopes to move in the next couple of years and don't want something that will turn away potential buyers. However, we want it to be kid friendly...here are some of my ideas. I'd love some suggestions!


[three]
How could I not take advantage of this gorgeous weather?! Flip-flops, shorts and open windows. Glorious! G and I have spent the last few evenings outside after dinner. Yes, there are many things I could be doing that would allow my house to be cleaner and more organized but these moments spent with her are so precious and fleeting. I will never be able to get them back...all of this is becoming more bittersweet as we quickly approach her first birthday.

[four]
As I mentioned in a previous post, I've been feeling particularly sentimental these days and decided to make an album/pregnancy journal leading up to G's birth. I loved putting it together! It came in the mail yesterday and I've looked through it a dozen times! I can't get enough of reliving and savoring every moment.

[five]
Earlier this week, I heard my husband calling me from the living room while I was doing dishes. He insisted I take a look at that evening's sunset. The sky was stunning (the picture does not do it justice). We just stood there and took in God's gorgeous creation. How sweet it is to think that God made that sunset just for us in that moment. How He loves to bring joy to the hearts of His children.
 

 

 

 

 

 

Silent Moments

You know those moments...those God moments? The kind that hit you in the silence and yet seem so loud when His presence touches your heart? I love those moments. I cherish those moments. I need those moments. There are times in my life like the present when my relationship with Christ seems a bit more quiet than at other times. While I know He's there, I feel distant.

I know I'm to blame because He is always there. Though I may not hear Him, He is speaking and listening to my heart. While I may feel alone in my thoughts, He is aware of every. single. one. Last night the house was still. The baby was sleeping peacefully across the hall and my husband was gone on a fire call. It was just me in the silence.

While getting ready for bed, I felt prompted to pick up my old Bible. My mom gave me this Bible in 2000...hard to believe it's 14 years old. The cover was slightly dusty, but it felt just like I remembered. Suddenly, all of the anxiety and past emotions that have been rising to the surface this week were stilled. I just sat there...in the silence. A couple of books from the New Testament were falling out from years of use and the pages were filled with underlines, highlighter, notes in the margins and post-it notes. I was reminded of all of the joy and tears that I had poured over those pages. I remembered the moments of peace that the underline passages provided at just the right time.

In those few moments I felt so at peace despite the angst that I've been carrying. I felt God's presence fill the room. In those silent moments I was reminded that even though my heart battles the past and hopes for the future, He has given me the present. I decided to open that Bible and focus on the first thing my eyes ran across. The book fell open to Proverbs 19:21.

 

Many plans occupy the mind of a man, but the Lord's purposes will prevail.

So very timely. I sat and stared at the words on the page. I let them soak into my soul, swirl into my mind, and take root in my heart. While I still cling to things hoped for, I am learning to let go. My life is a continuous example of what God can do with a life. His work is woven throughout my life's story. His protection, His guidance, His goodness...all of those things and more weave the thread that holds this imperfect person together.

I eagerly seek more silent moments. It's often in those moments that He speaks the loudest.

Revisiting the Journey

I enjoy waking up to blog posts from my dear friend and this morning was no exception. She has begun to blog about her pregnancy. The sweet moments, the ups and downs and all of the in-between moments, had me thinking back to my pregnancy. At this time last year we were just a couple of weeks from our daughter's unexpected arrival. It's hard to believe! I laid in bed listening to G babble over the monitor and could not help but revisit our journey.

Courtesy of Shay White Photography

We prayed so long for our little one and after my PCOS diagnosis, infertility treatment that led to many disappointments, wavering dreams, doctor visits, medications, blood work, etc., our prayers were answered. While we dream of adding to our family at some point, the anxieties and fears of our past attempt to rise to the surface. How quickly I can forget God's goodness and faithfulness. Not once did He leave me to hurt alone. While the journey was not easy, I was able to experience God in ways that I had not been able to do before. When you are TTC you enter into a whole new world. Whether it was the circumstances, the hormones or the medication, I was super sensitive and dealt with levels of emotions I was not prepared to experience. I know I didn't handle relationships in the best manner and I'm determined to find other ways to cope this go around.

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In discussing our hope to add to our family again someday, I often hear, "well at least you already have one baby if it doesn't work." Just an FYI, that does not ease the angst. While this statement is true, when the Lord places this type of desire in my heart, it is not something I can just shrug my shoulders at. I am not selfish. I am not ungrateful. While our experiences and journey were not as involved or as lengthy as some, it was our journey. It was our pain. It was our waiting. It was our hope. It was our joy. While many prayed for and empathized with us, we still experienced some dark times. I've been praying that the Lord will prepare our hearts and heads for whatever may come. I pray for peace and understanding. I pray for a stronger, sustaining sense of joy. While we don't know what the Lord has in store for us, we remain grateful for those who continue to pray with us and for those who didn't give up on me when I was not the person I wanted to be.

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All of this brings me to this morning (did I mention I have yet another snow day?! Crazy!). After reading my friend's blog, I got feeling particularly sentimental. Her post inspired me to become a little creative. I have a "free" Shutterfly book that expires today and I had no idea what to use it for. I have been working on a book for G's first year but I still have a month to go...and the offer expires today...so instead, I thought I would put my pregnancy journal highlights into a Shutterfly album. I'm really excited (and a little anxious although I know to some that seems silly) about revisiting my pregnancy with G. I love the maternity album I created leading up to her birth but I didn't capture the ins and outs of my pregnancy...all of which I'm sure she will learn to appreciate someday.

Liking the Hard to Love

This week has brought about a roller coaster of emotions. Between looking back on "what would have been" and looking forward to "what could be", my heart and mind have been on overload. You add to that the fact that the crazies have come out of the wood work this week, I'm done. Praise the Lord it is the weekend.

With all of the criticism, bad attitudes and hurtful words that I've experienced this week, I've had to do a "check up from the neck up" as my Sunday School teacher would say. It would be so easy to fall into bitterness and bite back...but such does not please the heart of my God. Instead, I've had to step back and remember a few simple truths...

These people were put in my life for a reason. Whether I like it or not, God has ordained our connections. He knew I would encounter these people and he knew these times would come. Because of this, I've had to both hold back and move forward. The truth is, either they or I are meant to learn something from all of this.

 

 

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Words hurt. I do my best to remain truthful but tactful. Others do not. I'm always amazed at how hurtful and hateful some people can be. This week I've been floored by some of the words that have alluded to personal opinions of me. This has taken its toll on me. I abide by the "do unto others" and sometimes it is hard to treat others the way I know the Lord expects me to treat them. It's times like this that I am so grateful for those who truly know me, love me, and give encouragement when it's needed.

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I am called to love everyone...that doesn't mean I like them. While this may sound a bit contradictory, I stand by it. I am called to love everyone, and I do my best to love them where they are. God forgives me moment by moment and loves me in spite of my flaws. It is only right that I do the same. Does that mean He likes everything I do? No. This rings true in my own life. I've had to remind myself almost daily this week that I am meant to love these people, though they hurt or offend. That does not mean I have to like their actions, attitudes, or remarks.

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Cling to the good. My God is good. My husband is good. My daughter is good. There are so many wonderful things in my life that can be easily overshadowed if I don't keep myself in check. Thanks to mercy and grace, each morning I wake up is a new day to make big and small contributions towards the Kingdom. Despite the week it has been, I am reminded that my God is enough. He will sustain me through these tough times. I will count it all joy.

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Why It Works: 5 Must Haves in a Good Marriage

A picture from our anniversary session celebrating three years!
Big thanks to Shay White Photography

Prior to getting married we were given ample amounts of "advice". I remember someone telling us that the first 3 years of marriage will either make or break us...really? Looking back now, I wish I would have had the sense to have a conversation with that person. 3 years? Other people have said "the first year will be the hardest" or "watch out for the seven year itch"...don't those sentiments warm you all over? While my husband and I have only been married 5 years (which I hope is just a drop in the bucket of many, many years), we've lately been discussing what we feel makes our marriage work. We've watched many couples who have maintained beautifully blessed marriages and we believe we've tapped into some of the most foundational.

1: The Lord is our foundation. C and I were both Christians prior to ever knowing one another. In fact, it was our love of Christ and our love of children and the great outdoors that brought us together. We met at a Christian summer camp where we both were counselors. We were able to get to know one another without any pressure. In fact, when you work at a summer camp, it's likely the other person will often get to see you at your stinky, dirty, exhausted worst. As a dating couple, and continuing on through our marriage, we remain adamant that Christ stay the center of our relationship. He is Who brought us together and He is Who will keep us together.

2: Divorce. Say what?! Divorce is not an option. In fact it is not even in our vocabulary. Leaving is not a choice. Quitting will never be the answer. It is not used as a threat when life gets angry or hard. While divorce is often the end result as evidenced by The American Psychological Association and its reported 40-50% marriage failure rate, we refuse to become part of that statistic. As a child of divorce, I know the impact a failed relationship has on the children and all involved. We have made "until death do us part" the objective of our marriage, and while we pass no judgment on those who choose this option for whatever the reason, we also believe that God is bigger than anything we are facing. We also know that He can make beauty from ashes and we can have redemption through His grace in our circumstances, no matter what choice is made.

3: Dating. As a new, young couple, we had a distant dating relationship. While he lived in Virginia, I was away at college in Alabama. Over 500 miles separated us. We didn't really have the opportunity to date in the traditional sense. So...when we got married in 2008, we decided to make up for lost time, we'd spend the rest of our lives "dating" one another. This concept has become more challenging since the birth of  our daughter last Spring, but we still aim to keep it a part of our marital life. Our dates may consist of dinner and a movie or a night in with pizza by candle light. We used to take romantic weekend trips and hope to get back to that again soon. Dating does not have to be expensive or luxurious. It can be just as romantic and spontaneous without any major cost. Some of our favorite dates are picnics at some of our favorite outdoor locations, hikes, and revisiting areas that hold special memories for us.

4: Little things. Don't neglect the little things. I can't begin to describe how happy my heart gets when I come home after a long day to find the dishes washed or the laundry folded. The nights when he offers to give the baby her bath and put her to bed so I can have a little me time is treasured. Likewise, I love bringing him home his favorite treat (he's a huge fan of peanut m&ms) or cooking him his favorite meal. We take turns picking movies and we share the remote. Compromise is not a skill that is valued by the world but it is essential in a marriage.

5: Love and War. The last 'must have' I'll mention is the necessity of working through your problems. Communication is essential. Don't assume your spouse knows how you feel. Don't fool yourself into thinking he/she can read your mind. It doesn't work that way. Talk it out. Never go to bed or leave the other person while you hold anger in your heart. Above all, say "I love you." Those three little words can be overrated in a society that "loves" everything which is why it is so important to verbalize what it is you love in the other person. What do you value in your spouse? Does she know that you love the way she lights up a room? Does he know you love the way he holds you? The love between a husband and wife goes beyond the fancy frills and monetary things. It is a love that clings to the core of the heart.

When things get hard, remember why you fell in love with that person in the first place.

What types of things keep joy and stability in your marriage? What advice would you give to an engaged couple? May I suggest avoiding the seven year itch comment?

3-0

This morning did not go as planned. G has not been herself these last couple of days. She isn't sleeping as well and has what appears to be a summer cold. The poor little thing has a stuffy, runny nose and the occasional cough. She still smiles mostly but we can tell she does not feel very well. We also believe she may be teething. Everything she can get her hands on goes in her mouth. She is gnawing like crazy! Around the time I needed to get ready for church, G finally fell back to sleep. I could not deny her a much needed nap.

My husband also returned home this weekend from a 48 hour shift on the fire/rescue crew at the Lockin' Music Festival. He was exhausted having only gotten a few short hours of sleep over the course of the last few days. He came home, kissed us both, and headed to bed.

As I rocked my baby and smiled at the thought of my husband being home, I realized I would have to worship the Lord from the spot in which I sat. I turned to my scripture reading for the day and this is what was laid before me:

Psalm 126:1-6 1 When the LORD brought back his exiles to Jerusalem,*   it was like a dream! 2 We were filled with laughter,   and we sang for joy. And the other nations said,   "What amazing things the LORD has done for them." 3 Yes, the LORD has done amazing things for us!   What joy! 4 Restore our fortunes, LORD,   as streams renew the desert. 5 Those who plant in tears   will harvest with shouts of joy. 6 They weep as they go to plant their seed,   but they sing as they return with the harvest.

This scripture just touched my soul. I think back to the times when my heart and soul felt so barren from circumstances beyond my control. I would cry out to God. I would yell. I would shed tears. I would sit in silence...and through it all I would wait. As a Christian, my journey here on Earth is heading toward a beautiful beginning. The joy will be forever. The start of my eternity will have no end.

While I remain here on Earth, I find it easy to sink into the fears and anxiety that I have dealt with for so long. God continues to work on me and through me in an ever progress movement to get me out of the miry clay. With each step forward I can't help but connect with the joyful sentiments found in these verses. What AMAZING things the Lord has done! My heart clings to verse 5 when it says "Those who plant in tears will harvest with shouts of joy." This reflects God's promise that He works all things to the good of those who love Him.

What joy!

I also began thinking about all of the things that I wish I would have done and all the things I hope to do. I see so much promise and hope when I look at my little girl. To have a doctor tell you that she has no options left for you and that a specialist will be the next course of action is very disheartening. It becomes even more so when the doctor says that she isn't even sure if the specialist will be able to offer anything else outside of invasive treatments. It was at that moment that I forced my heart, head and soul to remember who was my Great Physician. God had a plan for us and despite what might never be in the eyes and hands of man, there is nothing outside of God's ability. Our little girl is proof of that. His ability to create this precious life in a womb where there once was not one still brings tears to my eyes. He also led us to a new group of doctors familiar with  my condition and in them I have a whole new hope for conceiving future children. I can't explain how loved all of this has made me feel. It was as if God wrapped His arms around me and placed a peace in my heart. So, until we begin the venture of baby #2, I revel in the miraculous beauty that is my daughter.

I consider the obstacles that we may face as I edge closer to 30. The older we get the "higher risk" pregnancy becomes and with my condition, it only adds to the potential upsets. I forced myself to put these things out of my mind and instead focused on making a  list that I have been considering for a while. I have officially created my "30 by 30" list. I currently have 577 days until my 30th birthday. While age is not such a major issue with me, there are many things that I'd like to do. I'm already considering things I'd like to do for my "40 by 40" list. While my goal is to accomplish each one of these things, half the fun will be the attempt.

30 By 30

1. Host a Brunch Party

2. Begin (and finish?) building our “forever” home

3. Hike to a waterfall

4. Lose 30 pounds

5. Make G a big sister

6. Take a family trip to Washington D.C.

7. Make a pair of shoes

8. Visit a lighthouse

9. Go to the South Carolina Aquarium

10. Take a family trip to the North Carolina Zoo

11. Make a pecan pie

12. Send a card to a stranger

13. Make a photo book of G’s first year

14. Take a cooking class

15. Make homemade truffles

16. Plant a tree

17. Serve at a soup kitchen

18. Make a holiday wreath

19. Teach a kids’ cooking class

20. Take a girls’ trip with my mom, daughter and sisters

21. Learn to crochet

22. Take a carriage ride

23. Make real homemade alfredo sauce

24. Make homemade ravioli

26. Pay for a stranger’s meal

27. Learn to French Braid

28. Be in a parade

29. Read 100 books with/to my daughter

30. Buy new living room furniture

Take a moment to reflect on what you'd like to accomplish whether you'll be 30 or 80. What would you put on your list?