To say I'm over these infertility issues would be an understatement. This week has been very challenging for a variety of reasons and the emotional roller coaster has taken its toll. As I was driving to work the other morning I felt this urging to read the story of Gideon. It has been a long time since I've ventured into the book of Judges to read his story and I felt it all really random...but God is not random. As I've begun to revisit Gideon's story I've been reminded of the story's themes of struggle, hope, faith, fear, courage and the ability to overcome. These are common themes along the journey of infertility as well. I still wasn't sure what God would have for me...how on Earth could an account about a man defeating armies connect with my female aches for wanting a child? I'm not sure where this scripture study will take me but I'm already captivated by the things that God has brought to light. I hope you'll join me as I walk with Gideon through his story.
I hope to post my thoughts about my study as I go. It is also my hope that you'll find something to connect with and that you'll find, like me, that God can use any circumstance for His glory if we're willing to trust Him.
To give a little background, the Israelites had been delivered into the hands of the Midianites for the wickedness of their people. The Israelites were so fearful of the Midianites that they hid themselves in the mountain caves. Their crops and livestock were destroyed or taken by the armies and finally, as a last ditch effort for survival, they called out to God for help. (vs. 1-6)
How often do we try and take things into our own hands only to be left with nothing? Far to frequently I find myself trying to control those things in which I have no control and I end up only making matters worse. Instead of binding my heart to the Word, I hide myself in moments of emotional eating, sadness, bitterness and anxiety. It is in these moments that I find myself (finally) calling out to the Lord. It seems ridiculous to go to God as a last resort than as our first and best option...and yet we do. Cursed human nature.
I'm a Type A person and I thrive on structure and predictability. Did I ever think I'd have trouble conceiving a child? No. I had a plan and waiting through countless failed efforts does not fair well for someone with my lack of patience. God has grown me in ways that I could not imagine through this infertility journey and I know that I still have so much to learn. He is far from done with me. Our God is a loving and gracious God and because of these things, He allows us to make our choices. I can choose to wallow in sadness with each failed cycle or I can go to Him with my heartache and allow Him to mend that which is broken. Neither of these options are easy but it makes sense to choose the one that will have the most beneficial outcome.
As I read through the beginnings of this chapter I couldn't help but think about our current infertility struggles. I'm becoming emotionally spent. Infertility can have an oppressive power. It affects every aspect of your life. It can affect the way you eat, spend your time and money and how you look and feel about your future.
Like the Israelites, we often lose sight of the blessings we've already received (vs. 8-9). We forget the countless times that He has delivered us. The Israelites also turned their worship towards pagan gods. I'll be honest, when facing infertility it's very easy to get caught up in putting your faith and hope into other things...all of which hold promise to help you bear children...such as medications, doctors, alternative medicine and treatments, etc. I've often found myself placing so much hope into the medication I take or the way in which my cycle chart looks that I lose sight of God's hand in the situation. Do you see the common misstep (vs. 7-10)? Like the ancients, I know my God is amazing and can do all things and yet I don't always place my faith and hope in the One who can fill my heart's desires. He is my deliverer and has an amazing plan for my life if only I will allow Him to lead me.
In just a few short verses I have been challenged in some amazing ways.
-Where am I trying to hide?
-Where is my hope, really?
-How would it feel to allow God to take control and rest in His sovereignty?
Maybe you are facing similar circumstances. I encourage you to join me in this study of Gideon. There is no doubt that there are more treasures to be uncovered.
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