To those of you still waiting on your miracle, this post is in no way meant to seem selfish. The Lord has given the desires of my heart and I am trusting Him to give me a sense of completion when our family has reached His goal for us. I by no means want to come across as ungrateful or greedy. Our journey is part of our testimony, just as your journey is your own. Please know that my heart goes out to you in your time of waiting and possible loss. My experiences have led to a new ministry in which I try to serve as an example of hope for those who have yet to receive their miracle. We just never know where our journey will lead.
I have not blogged on infertility in a while. I've been pretty caught up in life and I've been trying to keep certain feelings at bay. To most, it may seem ridiculous that I am even blogging about infertility since we've been blessed to conceive two children. Most days, I do not think too much about how they came to be or else I find my mind wandering to places I do not want it to go. The anxiety and painful memories of the journey that led us to becoming parents only typically arise these days when I begin allowing myself to dream of adding another to our family. Do I want more children? I get asked this question regularly these days and the answer is "yes", but as soon as I say it out loud, the feelings come rushing back. Will the meds work? Am I being greedy? Is it selfish to want more? Will our dream of another child come to fruition? Will I learn to be content with what we have been blessed with if this is where our journey ends?
Honestly, I feel I've done well to work through the feelings of bitterness and longing that arise when "easy" conceptions are brought to my attention. I don't cry the instant I am alone, I do not allow my mind to dwell on their "luck" and I thank God for my own miracles repeatedly. I feel like I've come so far...and yet, there are still moments when I am not sure if I'll ever truly heal. There are moments when I still hurt, when I still feel the aches from the scars that our infertility journey has left on my heart. I was reminded of this earlier this week. I ran into a woman who gave birth not too terribly long ago and unbeknownst to me, she was expecting again...baby #4. I am elated for this little blessing that will soon be gracing the world, but for the first time in a while, I felt the old, familiar ache. I felt the jealousy, the anxiety, and the tears welling up. I attribute most of these emotions to hormones...but still.
I've been reflecting on this experience. I don't want to be that woman. I don't want to constantly be reminded of my bouts with pain. Instead I want to constantly rejoice in all the good that He has done in our lives. I want to revel in the joy that is our children. The truth is, the emotions, memories, and aches from one's infertility journey don't just go away. In time, I believe they can soften, but from personal experience, I just don't know. I sincerely just don't know if they will ever stop surfacing. Maybe I'm just not strong enough yet...but I have hope.
Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the LORD your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.”
No comments :
Post a Comment