He is Enough

This week will be filled with baking! I have 250 cake pops to make and create by Friday afternoon. As much as I'd love to have G at home this first week out of school, I'd accomplish very little with her around. I'm looking forward to this upcoming wedding weekend. The couple that I am making cake pops for is amazing. I have seen this couple survive the high school years and now, as they continue through adulthood, I have the honor and pleasure of seeing them wed this coming Saturday.

I spent time with the bride and her mother in the nursery at church this past Sunday. We talked wedding details and honeymoon plans. I tell you, it makes me want to get married all over again. I loved planning the details of my wedding...maybe someday I'll get a vow renewal ceremony.

Our Wedding 2008

We also discussed how there are typical conversation starters for each new event in our lives. When you get engaged, people instantly begin asking about the date. Hello, we've only been engaged for 5 minutes! Once the date is set people want to know details and the honeymoon location. It seems immediately upon saying "I do" people want to know when you'll start having kids...not if you want to have kids, but when. Then, maybe you've had this experience as well, you're laying in the hospital bed, sore, tired, in love with your first born, and people already begin asking when you'll have another. It's as if you're constantly playing the game of 20 Questions.

For us, this last question has always been a bit difficult. We've found ourselves laughing over the irony. For the first few years of our marriage we remained cautious as we tried to "plan" our family. After a long time of trying with no success, we found out I was dealing with PCOS induced infertility. We joined the thousands of couples longing for a baby and struggled not knowing when or how God would fill our heart and home with the sounds of a little one.

Since G's birth, people have been asking when we'll have another. Most of these inquiries are not aware of our infertility struggles and only ask out of curiosity. This questioning has picked up since G's first birthday. Never mind that I've tried to savor this past year. Forget the prayers and tears that went into her conception. While I know this is not the mentality of those who ask, it is still somewhat difficult for me. These questions bring back emotions from our past struggles and it causes me to stare straight into the unknown. The answer to this question is, "I don't know. I don't know when God will bless our lives again. I don't know when we'll make G a big sister. I don't know how long it will take."

What I do know is that God is good. He is enough. I do not believe He would place the desire of more children in our hearts just to leave it void. One thing I am continually reminded of is that His Will is perfect. He may not fulfill our dreams in the way we expected or when we think it should happen. He will bless us beyond our dreams and His timing is always perfect. I'll be the first to admit that these truths have not always provided comfort like we think it should. It is hard to see those around you living out your hopes and dreams. Here is another truth: comparison kills joy.

There were countless dark hours that I would cry out to God asking, "why not us?" I would look at others, who I loved and still love dearly, add to their families month after month. I was so caught up in my own pain that I often neglected to remember that not all of those journeys were easy. It seemed as if everyone I knew was expecting. I was in a very dark place. I was not a friend, wife, or Christian that I could be proud of. Thankfully, God never left me. Although there were times it felt my prayers were bouncing off of Heaven, He was still there.

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In His time, He blessed our lives with a beautiful little girl. We've committed her life and upbringing to the Lord. We will be forever humbled that He chose us to be her parents.

I write all of this to 1. vent and 2. offer hope to those who also face the uncertainties that come with infertility and PCOS. I know the questions are rarely easy to answer without the ache. At those times I try to focus on the unwavering truth that I serve a God who is bigger than any infertility diagnosis. I love a God who will never forsake us. When the darkness seems to overwhelm you, the questions stir those painful emotions, and your hope seems small, remember that He is enough. I was reminded of this just this morning as I was washing some dishes. The song "Enough" came on and as the lyrics filled my head, I felt my heart begin to singing. Life may not go as we planned but through it all...



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Enough-Barlow Girl