Why It Works: 5 Must Haves in a Good Marriage

A picture from our anniversary session celebrating three years!
Big thanks to Shay White Photography

Prior to getting married we were given ample amounts of "advice". I remember someone telling us that the first 3 years of marriage will either make or break us...really? Looking back now, I wish I would have had the sense to have a conversation with that person. 3 years? Other people have said "the first year will be the hardest" or "watch out for the seven year itch"...don't those sentiments warm you all over? While my husband and I have only been married 5 years (which I hope is just a drop in the bucket of many, many years), we've lately been discussing what we feel makes our marriage work. We've watched many couples who have maintained beautifully blessed marriages and we believe we've tapped into some of the most foundational.

1: The Lord is our foundation. C and I were both Christians prior to ever knowing one another. In fact, it was our love of Christ and our love of children and the great outdoors that brought us together. We met at a Christian summer camp where we both were counselors. We were able to get to know one another without any pressure. In fact, when you work at a summer camp, it's likely the other person will often get to see you at your stinky, dirty, exhausted worst. As a dating couple, and continuing on through our marriage, we remain adamant that Christ stay the center of our relationship. He is Who brought us together and He is Who will keep us together.

2: Divorce. Say what?! Divorce is not an option. In fact it is not even in our vocabulary. Leaving is not a choice. Quitting will never be the answer. It is not used as a threat when life gets angry or hard. While divorce is often the end result as evidenced by The American Psychological Association and its reported 40-50% marriage failure rate, we refuse to become part of that statistic. As a child of divorce, I know the impact a failed relationship has on the children and all involved. We have made "until death do us part" the objective of our marriage, and while we pass no judgment on those who choose this option for whatever the reason, we also believe that God is bigger than anything we are facing. We also know that He can make beauty from ashes and we can have redemption through His grace in our circumstances, no matter what choice is made.

3: Dating. As a new, young couple, we had a distant dating relationship. While he lived in Virginia, I was away at college in Alabama. Over 500 miles separated us. We didn't really have the opportunity to date in the traditional sense. So...when we got married in 2008, we decided to make up for lost time, we'd spend the rest of our lives "dating" one another. This concept has become more challenging since the birth of  our daughter last Spring, but we still aim to keep it a part of our marital life. Our dates may consist of dinner and a movie or a night in with pizza by candle light. We used to take romantic weekend trips and hope to get back to that again soon. Dating does not have to be expensive or luxurious. It can be just as romantic and spontaneous without any major cost. Some of our favorite dates are picnics at some of our favorite outdoor locations, hikes, and revisiting areas that hold special memories for us.

4: Little things. Don't neglect the little things. I can't begin to describe how happy my heart gets when I come home after a long day to find the dishes washed or the laundry folded. The nights when he offers to give the baby her bath and put her to bed so I can have a little me time is treasured. Likewise, I love bringing him home his favorite treat (he's a huge fan of peanut m&ms) or cooking him his favorite meal. We take turns picking movies and we share the remote. Compromise is not a skill that is valued by the world but it is essential in a marriage.

5: Love and War. The last 'must have' I'll mention is the necessity of working through your problems. Communication is essential. Don't assume your spouse knows how you feel. Don't fool yourself into thinking he/she can read your mind. It doesn't work that way. Talk it out. Never go to bed or leave the other person while you hold anger in your heart. Above all, say "I love you." Those three little words can be overrated in a society that "loves" everything which is why it is so important to verbalize what it is you love in the other person. What do you value in your spouse? Does she know that you love the way she lights up a room? Does he know you love the way he holds you? The love between a husband and wife goes beyond the fancy frills and monetary things. It is a love that clings to the core of the heart.

When things get hard, remember why you fell in love with that person in the first place.

What types of things keep joy and stability in your marriage? What advice would you give to an engaged couple? May I suggest avoiding the seven year itch comment?