Learning to Lean-Mid Year Update

At the beginning of the year, I felt led to live the word "Lean" throughout the following months. It has been hard.

I've tried to embrace the scripture when difficulties arise, when the darkness seems to swallow the light...I've had a lot of anxiety lately. It's the kind that keeps your mind spinning at night. Worst case scenarios pop into your head and you cannot close your eyes because you know you'll see your deepest fears played out. What is harder still is talking to others about it. Maybe I am not as strong as everyone thinks I am.

I have grappled with grief in unexpected moments. It seems to hit the hardest when I realize how happy I am. It sounds strange but it seems like that is how survivor guilt works.

I've wrestled with anxiety and lost countless hours of sleep. I have allowed thoughts to bring on near panic attacks. I have physically felt the strain that my emotions have put on my body.

During some recent quiet reflection, I just kept saying, "enough is enough. I cannot keep living life like this." At that moment I realized what I had been neglecting to do. I had forgotten to lean. If you go back to the action words I just mentioned...

spinning

grappled

wrestled

lost

Do you see "lean" on that list? Me neither.

I am not meant to carry the weight of these burdens. I am not meant to live a fear filled, anxiety ridden life.

In fact, scripture clearly states the opposite:

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I have come that they may have life, and have it in all its fullness. John 10:10

We are designed and intended to live a full and abundantly blessed life.

Satan does not call me by name. He calls me by my insecurities. He calls me by my fears and anxieties. He calls me by all the things that I cannot control. When I stop and just listen...be still and sincerely listen, I hear my name. I hear Beloved. I hear "you are Mine." (Isaiah 43:1)

When I am not leaning on God and only rely on my [in]ability to understand the emotions within me and the world around me, I find myself on an overwhelming obstacle course. However, when I lean on Christ, my path is made straight. I may not know why or where I am going, but I can rest assured He has laid the road before me.

I will continue to learn what it means to lean into my Savior. I will call His name to bring forth light in the darkness. I will declare His name to the enemy that aims to riddle my thoughts with fears and shortcomings. I will continue on.

I want to leave you with this song by Hillsong United that has left an impression on my heart. Let the words seep in and wash away the lies you have been believing. He has carried you all this way. Lean into His embrace.

Fate
Holds nothing on the providence I know
No longer bound to things of wood and stone
When all I had to offer was my worst
You saw my heavy heart and loved me first
Your beauty staring down my brokenness
You chose to throw Your heart into the mess
Compassion crashing down upon my debt You were there

All this time
Like a river running through my failure
You carried me all this time
Like the splinters buried in
Your shoulders You carry me now

Learning to Lean in 2017

In 2015 I decided to forgo resolutions and just set goals. In 2016 I decided to center those goals around a single word for the year. 2016’s word was Restoration. I have been putting a lot of thought into what word I would need to focus on this year. When I felt led to Restoration, I had no idea how that word would take on valuable meaning as major life events unfolded in the latter half of the year.

 After some quiet time, I believe the Lord has lead me to the word I will focus on this year:

Lean

The dictionary has multiple meanings for this word. However, the one that struck an immediate chord with me was “to rely or depend”. The verse that I am focusing on this year accompanies this word and its definition in its entirety.

The last half of 2016 has taught me more than ever that I need to learn to lean. I am acutely aware at how inadequately I do this in my day to day life. I am a fixer. I am a planner. I do not do surprises well. I thrive under pressure and I enjoy routine. That is me. All of these personality traits tend to go against the meaning "lean".

It should not come as a surprise that I am hesitant to embrace this for the year, but I truly feel led to allow it to be the word that defines 2017.

Over the last year I have experienced indescribable heartache and lingering grief. I have had my best laid plans scattered in the wind, only to be amazed by God’s provision and order. While I know accepting to learn to lean is necessary, I also know it will be challenging.

I’ve been trying to gauge what this will look like for me this year and I have chosen some areas to really focus on this year. Some are similar to last year, but with a new word, there will also be new outcomes. While I could never foresee all that God has in store for me and my family, I know His plan is perfect. I know His actions are good. I know as I learn to truly lean on Him that I will grow my relationship with Him.

Learning to Lean in 2017

My Family

-depend on my husband more (give up more of my need to control)

-rely on God for wisdom in raising and making decisions for our children

-relying on God to grow our family how and when He chooses

Health

-relying on God to lead me to the right doctors and professionals

-depending on God to help me get back on track with eating and exercise

-relying on God to help me recover completely, both physically and emotionally

Home

-relying on God’s provision

-depending on God to direct us to the perfect plan and resources for our new home

Work

-depending on God to give me wisdom, patience, and endurance

Interpersonal

-relying on God to show me ways to strengthen relationships

-trusting God to bring those that I need into my life

-seeking God’s will for my friendships

-trusting God to help me develop relationships with others that I can help

It may seem like I have a lofty list, but the majority of these areas are intertwined. If you notice, the word lean is full of action. I know my shortcomings, but they do not define me. God will do a great work with me this year as I learn to lean into Him. It is my hope and prayer that I will be able to pay it forward through this season of growth and leave the lives I encounter better than they were before.

What will you be aiming for this year?

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