How are you doing? This
has become the most frequently, awkwardly asked question in my life. The questioning
comes with sincerity. The awkwardness comes from an inward place. I struggle
with how to respond. I am not one to sugar coat things and honesty has always
been the best policy…but I know people want to hear that I’m fine. I know they
want to hear that I’m doing okay.
In a lot of ways I
am.
I am remaining
grateful. I am learning the meaning of true grace. I am sleeping at night. My
appetite has returned. I do not cry all day, every day anymore.
So, in comparison, I
am doing better.
And yet, in a lot of
ways I am not.
I struggle with
enjoying the good things in my life. I know His grace is what I need,
especially during this time, but it is hard to accept. I sleep, but sometimes
the dreams are haunting. My appetite has returned but I’m not caring for myself
the way I was before…I’m way off track. I do not cry all day, but I cry most
days.
There is a lot of
healing still ahead. The physical pain comes and goes these days. At times,
normal tasks are still difficult and by the end of the day, I need an ice pack
and/or ibuprofen.
I’ve come along way
though in almost 3 weeks. I’ve accepted that I need to embrace a new normal,
and I will…it will just take time.
Lately, when people
ask how I’m doing, the most honest answer I can muster without going into
detail that will make them regret asking is, “it comes in waves.” It is the
best way to describe how life is right now. I remember my first trip to the
ocean and my first experience in the waves. There were moments of fun and
laughter as I jumped into each wave, feeling it rush past my body. Then, in a
split second, I was knocked down…pulled down by the undertow as the waves
washed over me. One moment I was happy, enjoying every second of sunshine and
the next I was fighting for air.
Waves. It comes in
waves.
As I’ve searched for
solice in scripture, I’ve run across so many verses that have brought comfort.
Some are typical of what one would cling to during difficult times, but then
there are ones like this that just hit my heart.
“He alone stretches
out the heavens and treads on the waves of the sea.”
Job 9:8
Job is describing God. He is the Creator. He made the heavens and placed the stars in
the sky. But it was the second part of the verse that caught me. “[He] treads on
the waves of the sea.” Those waves that held me captive for moments without air
shift at His command. They cause Him no worry. As the waves of grief crash over
me, He is fully aware. He treads those waves. He goes before me. He knows the
pain I feel. He understands the angst that leaves me unsettled. He sees the
waves before they hit. He knows they are coming and acts in mighty ways to help
keep me afloat.
He prompts a friend
to text or call. He designates days for cards of encouragement in the mail. He
knows whose hugs I need. He orchestrates the perfect song on the radio.
He treads the waves
and does not allow me to stay under for long. The waves hit but He is quick to
respond and pull me up and with each hit and recovery, I grow stronger.
By His might, I will
stand my ground where hope can be found…
