I have so many things to be thankful for, this month and always. My kids are definitely two of my greatest blessings. With them in mind, I'm linking up for this month's Kids Behind the Blog link-up.
This month's questions were:
(answers per my 3 year old)
1. What are 3 things you are thankful for?
Wonder Woman, butterflies and my family
2. What is your favorite food served at Thanksgiving dinner?
Corn
3. If you could be president for the day, what would you do?
Make everyone get in a line so I could be the line leader (clearly she loves this job at school lol).
4. How many feathers does a Turkey have?
2 wings and 5 feathers
5. Who is your favorite relative to see during the holidays?
Mommy
I'm surprised by her food answer...she rarely eats corn. I was also pretty honored that I'm her favorite relative haha.
I hope you'll join the link up and share what your littles have to day.
Over the last month I have dealt with
levels of anxiety that I have not experienced in quite some time. The sweaty
palms, quickened heart rate, nauseated stomach, social situation avoidance…the
symptoms are many. Nothing about these moments have been peaceful. I fight a
continuous battle between what I feel and what I know. My sour stomach
constantly reminds me that I am not at peace. The nightmares remind me that my
world has been shaken. The flashbacks bring tears that I wish I could stop
crying.
This is real life. Not only am I
working through all of this, but there is the rest of “life” that I am forced
to deal with. It is quite overwhelming.
Peace.
I want it. I hope for it. I need it.
God promises it.
God is peace. He is Jehovah Shalom.
Too often I think we find ourselves
living in the “what ifs”. What if this happens? What if that goes bad? What if…what
if…what if…the possibilities of “if” are endless. I imagine Satan rubbing his
hands together as a cruel smile crosses his face with each “what if” that sends
us further and further into a spiral. Because of our sin nature, we naturally gravitate
toward the negative. We tend to find the worst in situations. We imagine the
worst, even if it is unlikely to happen. We let the “what ifs” get the better
of us. The more “what ifs” we cram into our hearts and heads, the less space
there is for peace to reside.
We are not meant to live this way.
In order to allow God to move in our
lives as Jehovah Shalom, we have to make a conscience effort to adjust our
thinking. We have to not immediately jump to the negative or what if. Is this
easy? No. Necessary? Yes.
I have been continually seeking God
in prayer. I have been writing scripture on my heart for when my anxiety begins
to arise. Am I always successful? No. But I am making progress. I’m trying to
allow God to penetrate my heart with His peace. I am trying to let His words
reverberate in my head. It’s a process. This peace extends far beyond just the
ache that I have been dealing with over the last month. It is relevant for the
present and will be beneficial in the future. I’m learning how to fully accept
His peace while working through my feelings.
“Don’t be afraid,” he said, “for you are very precious to God. Peace! Be encouraged! Be strong!” As he spoke these words to me, I suddenly felt stronger and said to him, “Please speak to me, my lord, for you have strengthened me.”
Despite my best efforts, there will
always be things out of my control. However, the One who holds my life in His
hands is the One who is in control of everything. He is my God. He is my Peace.
He is Jehovah Shalom.
You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you!
3 weeks have passed.
Some days it seems like it has been months and other days it seems like it just
happened. Time can be a complicated thing.
There have been times
over the last couple of weeks that I’ve really struggled. I’ve cried tears as
fresh as the first ones to fall. In those moments I have found myself wondering
if God really sees me…I mean really
sees me.
As a mother, my heart
aches at the sound of my children’s cries. I want so badly to alleviate their
hurt. I want their pain to stop. I see them. I come to them.
God is my Father. My
Heavenly-made the cosmos-holds the world in His hands-Father. He loved me
before anyone in the world knew of my existence. It only stands to reason that
He sees me. After all, He is omniscient.
I recently read
Genesis 16. It is the story of Hagar. Through circumstances beyond her
control she becomes pregnant, is badly treated by her mistress, and runs away
out of fear and anguish. In the moment she feels most alone, God sends His
angel to her. He sends His comfort and instruction.
God saw her. He saw a
woman grieving. He saw a heart aching with little relief. He saw a soul needing
rest and peace.
As I mulled over this,
I realized that although our pain and angst are the result of very different circumstances,
we are very similar in how God sees us.
God sees me. He sees
a woman grieving. He sees a heart aching with little relief. He sees my soul
needing rest and peace.
In those moments, the
God Hagar came to know as El Roi (The God
Who Sees) reminded me that He is also the God who sees me. He sees my
tears. He hears my silent prayers. He knows my anxieties. He knows me better
than I know myself. He sees my past. He sees my present and He sees my future.
He is in it all.
Just as He watches
me, it is that much more important that I keep my eyes on Him. This world can
be treacherous and Satan knows our weaknesses. He knows what keeps us up at night
and he knows how to stir up worst case scenarios in our minds. He loves helping
us jump to the “what ifs”. However, he is hindered when our eyes are on Christ.
His foothold is broken.
“My eyes are ever on
the Lord, for only He will release my feet from the snare.” Psalm 25:15
As I continue to work
through the emotional wreckage, it is a comfort to know that He sees me. He
will come to me. He will cover me with His wings.
“He will cover you
with His feathers, and under His wings You will find refuge; His faithfulness
will be Your shield and protection.” Psalm 91:4
How are you doing? This
has become the most frequently, awkwardly asked question in my life. The questioning
comes with sincerity. The awkwardness comes from an inward place. I struggle
with how to respond. I am not one to sugar coat things and honesty has always
been the best policy…but I know people want to hear that I’m fine. I know they
want to hear that I’m doing okay.
In a lot of ways I
am.
I am remaining
grateful. I am learning the meaning of true grace. I am sleeping at night. My
appetite has returned. I do not cry all day, every day anymore.
So, in comparison, I
am doing better.
And yet, in a lot of
ways I am not.
I struggle with
enjoying the good things in my life. I know His grace is what I need,
especially during this time, but it is hard to accept. I sleep, but sometimes
the dreams are haunting. My appetite has returned but I’m not caring for myself
the way I was before…I’m way off track. I do not cry all day, but I cry most
days.
There is a lot of
healing still ahead. The physical pain comes and goes these days. At times,
normal tasks are still difficult and by the end of the day, I need an ice pack
and/or ibuprofen.
I’ve come along way
though in almost 3 weeks. I’ve accepted that I need to embrace a new normal,
and I will…it will just take time.
Lately, when people
ask how I’m doing, the most honest answer I can muster without going into
detail that will make them regret asking is, “it comes in waves.” It is the
best way to describe how life is right now. I remember my first trip to the
ocean and my first experience in the waves. There were moments of fun and
laughter as I jumped into each wave, feeling it rush past my body. Then, in a
split second, I was knocked down…pulled down by the undertow as the waves
washed over me. One moment I was happy, enjoying every second of sunshine and
the next I was fighting for air.
Waves. It comes in
waves.
As I’ve searched for
solice in scripture, I’ve run across so many verses that have brought comfort.
Some are typical of what one would cling to during difficult times, but then
there are ones like this that just hit my heart.
“He alone stretches
out the heavens and treads on the waves of the sea.”
Job 9:8
Job is describing God. He is the Creator. He made the heavens and placed the stars in
the sky. But it was the second part of the verse that caught me. “[He] treads on
the waves of the sea.” Those waves that held me captive for moments without air
shift at His command. They cause Him no worry. As the waves of grief crash over
me, He is fully aware. He treads those waves. He goes before me. He knows the
pain I feel. He understands the angst that leaves me unsettled. He sees the
waves before they hit. He knows they are coming and acts in mighty ways to help
keep me afloat.
He prompts a friend
to text or call. He designates days for cards of encouragement in the mail. He
knows whose hugs I need. He orchestrates the perfect song on the radio.
He treads the waves
and does not allow me to stay under for long. The waves hit but He is quick to
respond and pull me up and with each hit and recovery, I grow stronger.
By His might, I will
stand my ground where hope can be found…
This date holds a
place in my heart like no other. It was the day I married my best friend. I
vowed to love and cherish him until death do us part. I placed my heart in his
hands in hope of a beautiful future.
When we said our vows
8 years ago, we knew we were bound to face hard times. We had no idea that
infertility would become a part of our story. We never would have guessed that
God would alter our lives in a way that will require an unmeasurable amount of
time to heal. Our vows have been tested. Our love for one another has been
forged in the fire.
And through it all,
we’ve overcome.
The last 8 years have
also brought us so much joy. We are working towards building our “grow old”
home. We are soaking up every possible second with our two beautiful children.
We have seen each other through new jobs and ministries. We have danced in the
rain. We have sat quietly, just enjoying being in one another’s presence. We
have seen dreams, our dreams, come true.
I will forever be
grateful for the man I get to call my husband. He is proof that while we think
we know what we want, God truly knows what we need. He is more than I could
have asked for. He is the spiritual leader of our home. My man loves Jesus! He
raises his family in this way and loves me as Christ loves the church. I cannot
imagine myself with anyone else. I look forward to prayerfully growing old with
this man of mine.
So here’s to many
more years with this love of mine…
Aside from work, I
have been laying pretty low lately. My body is still recovering, and
emotionally, being in groups is difficult right now. I struggle to accept the “nothing
but love” that is showered upon me in the presence of large numbers. It’s
overwhelming.
Over the last few
days, I have been reminded of the importance of human interaction and
establishing normalcy. I’ve had flashbacks to the darkest time in my life up to
this point and I know the signs of depression. I also know interventions and
positive steps towards not falling into such a despondent state. I learned
during that time, while some quiet and solitude can be healthy, complete
isolation is not. Trouble comes when you cannot bring yourself to do the things
you used to love.
This past week I
forced myself to attend my infertility support group meeting. My co-leader led
the meeting, which was greatly appreciated. We only had a couple ladies attend
this month, but even that was a bit challenging for me from a social
standpoint. This isn’t me. I don’t shy away from my ministry. I don’t avoid
those that I love…but right now it is just so hard.
On Friday, I attempted
a little “me time.” My husband had the kids and I was completely on my own.
Truth be told, I wanted to go home, crawl under the covers and go to sleep. It
would be easier than trying to stop myself from crying in public. However,
healing does not come through avoidance.
I decided to visit a
bookstore. I sat in the car for a few minutes getting a game plan in mind. My
friend from back home had recommended a book that she felt might help me
through some of this season. I knew where the Christian book section was in the
store and I did not figure I’d have to be in there long to find it. I got out
of the car and made my way towards the entrance. I’m still a little slow in
the going so thank you, sir, in the idling car who patiently waited for me to
cross the walkway.
I entered the store
and the tempting scent of coffee wafted around me. I almost opted for a cup but
I was on a mission. I went straight to the section that would hopefully house
the book I had come for. I began skimming the titles/authors in search of the
book. I found the book and took a closer look. Something in me seemed to say
that this was not what I needed “right now”. I said a silent prayer. I asked
for direction because there was this nagging feeling…a feeling that there was
something else I had come for. I became teary as I read through various titles,
all seeming wrong. I felt like there was something I was
supposed to see, but I just wasn’t seeing it.
I found myself alone
in the isle. I was confronted with hundreds of titles, most containing promises
of healing, ways to know the love of Jesus, etc. I stood there uncertain of
exactly what I needed. In a brief, silent heart’s cry, I begged the Lord to let
me know that I was going to be okay. I needed to know that I would make it
through this and His purpose would be fulfilled through the circumstances.
I lifted my eyes and
they immediately fell upon one title. It was a single copy pressed against the
left hand side of the book shelf. Bright, distractingly colored copies of other
titles beckoned for attention but my focus was on this one title…
I’ve labeled this
experience as divine intervention. So many times over the last week and a half,
God has revealed Himself in ways that could never lend themselves to just mere
coincidence. God has proven Himself good. He has proven Himself gracious. He
has provided. He has calmed and embraced me with His peace and here, once
again, in a weary, tear stained moment, He responded.
My heart’s cry: Will
I ever be okay? His response: You’re going to be okay.
The Lord will guide you continually,giving you water when you are dry and restoring your strength.
Isaiah 58:11
I bought the book. I
have since been diving into its print. It is filled with biblical truth and wisdom.
The words jump from the page and straight to my heart. I believe, without a
doubt, that this book was meant for me. It is a tangible way for God to reach
me. I express myself best through the written word and likewise, I respond well
to it.
This ordinary moment
in time has made an extraordinary mark on my heart. God continues to respond to
the cries of my heart. He continues to make His involvement known. While right
now I do not know exactly how He’ll pull us all through this, I know undeniably
that He will. His purpose will be fulfilled. His plan will be accomplished…and
I will be okay.
The Lord says, “I will guide you along the best pathway for your life.I will advise you and watch over you."
There are terrible
life experiences that we would deem unimaginable…unfathomable. We see them on
the news, we read them in the paper, and we hear them spread around small
towns. Sometimes we know the people. Sometimes we don’t. But what happens when it is
you? What happens when you experience the unimaginable?
I’m processing this
very thing right now.
When I accepted
Christ at 7 years old, I knew I loved Jesus. When I recommitted my life at the
age of 13 I was on fire for Jesus. I wanted God to use me in big ways to grow
the Kingdom. This desire to reach others for Christ led me to being active in
my church’s youth/college group, on mission trips, camp counseling and
eventually youth ministry. I still get teary at the announcement of someone’s
salvation and I often cry at baptisms. To see others recognize their need and
love of the Lord overwhelms my heart.
A while back I
recognized that this fire had quieted some. I had become comfortable in my own
little world, raising my kids, being a wife, and living out our plans as a
family. We’ve kept Christ in our lives and we actively teach our children about
His goodness. However, I realized that I was personally becoming a little
lukewarm. I’d become very comfortable in letting others do Kingdom work that I
could be doing. I asked God to draw me closer to Him. I asked Him to help me
help others come to know Him.
“It is God who is at work in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure.”
Philippians 2:13
He has since
responded and it has come through an unimaginable tragedy. The story is one
that I can’t emotionally share at this time but know that it has already etched itself
into my testimony. Testimonies are meant to be shared and when the time is
right, I’ll be able to do so. Until then, I will remain sifting through the
pieces, the emotions and my purpose.
Many are the plans in a person's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails.
Proverbs 19:21
For those who know of
the situation, they, like myself, struggle to fathom how it has all come to be.
I’ve stopped asking the “why” questions. I do not need those answers and most
of the questions that I have posed up to this point have been answered through
God’s divine intervention. As time continues on, I hear more and more about how
God is using this devastation to further the Kingdom. Hearts are being won for
Christ. While I do not understand the
why or what of it all, I do understand that God is using this for good. He is
using the pain for His glory and people are being led to salvation. Eyes are
being opened. Families are reconnecting. Prayer lives are being rekindled.
Appreciation of others is extending. His grace is abounding. His peace is
reaching realms beyond our understanding.
So what do I do and
what can I recommend you do when God allows the unimaginable to cause pain?
I suggest, as I am,
that you allow Him to heal you.
He heals the brokenheartedand bandages their wounds.
Psalm 147:3
The pain comes in
waves, both physical and emotional. The ache for wholeness is sometimes overwhelming,
but it means we are alive. It means our purpose has not been fulfilled. There
is still something left for us to do. In my situation, this carries great
weight. The extremes that God has used to reach others and change me often
leaves me speechless…but only because I know that if He is willing to put me
through this, He has something much greater in store. The devastation is not a
result of a lack of love. It is not a result of anyone’s disobedience. It is a
result of a fallen world and God’s desire to bring us back to Him. Do not stay
angry. Do not disconnect. Hold tight to the Healer. Allow Him to embrace you
when you ache. Allow your heart to pour out the words that your mouth cannot
utter.
I lift my hands to you in prayer. I thirst for you as parched land thirsts for rain.
Psalm 143:6
When we accept Christ
that means we accept His purpose for us. We can never fully know what He has in
store for us…how He’ll use us. It may not be in the way we’d wish it, but I
know without a doubt that it will result in things far better than we could
hope for. His will is perfect. His love for us is vast. His grace is
sufficient.
“…Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”
Matthew 11:28-29
In those things, we
must rest when we experience the unimaginable. Allow yourself to be held.
