The Kids Behind the Blog: January 2017

It's still hard to believe we're now in 2017. However, it's such a treat to join the Kids Behind the Blog link-up once again. 

Here are my 3 year old's responses to this month's questions. At some point my 1 1/2 yo will contribute, but until then I'll be going off assumptions and observations :)

1.) What's your favorite thing to do or play inside?
Play in the car.

2.) Have you ever seen or played in snow? If so, what's your favorite snow activity? 
Yes. Make angels. (She made the motion of making Snow Angels with her arms as she tried to figure out what they were called.)

N was not a fan of the snow this year.

3.) What was your favorite Christmas or holiday gift you received? 
My Elsa Barbie and my Jeep

N loves playing with his fire truck.

4.) What's your favorite winter vacation you went on? Why? 
She hasn't been on a winter vacation #parentfail

5.) Would you rather live where it's warm all year round or have the seasons?
There needs to be Winter because I like snowmen.

And there you have it!

What is Your Lion?

What keeps you up at night? You may think that it is something you watched on television or the sad news on the other end of the phone or a stack of bills you cannot pay. However, if you really look at what is keeping you awake, you’ll find that it boils down to what those thoughts or situations are prompting. Difficult, threatening and painful situations evoke feelings. Those feelings come in the way anxiety and fear. It is the anxiety and fear that leaves you lying awake with a full mind, troubled heart, and a pile of used tissues.

 We think that it is the event or possibilities that keep us awake, but it is actually the feelings those circumstances or experiences evoke. I have been dealing with nightmares and flashbacks for the last couple of months. They cause my anxiety level to rise quickly. My stress level also rises. These high levels then begin impacting me physically. I’ll feel sick, tired and overwhelmed.

 During a recent counseling session, my counselor told me to find time over the next couple of weeks to sit with the tragedy that I had experienced. I did not know what she meant by that at first. She explained that I am constantly battling how I feel. I am constantly trying to be strong and be where people think I should be in the healing process. I am trying to plan ahead and predict what may or may not happen. She recognized that I have yet to really sit with what has happened…

 This Monday was a Snow Day. As a teacher, it means an extra day of snuggles and downtime with my kiddos. I woke up thinking, today needs to be the day. Today needs to be the day when I sit in the quiet and just be with what has happened. No processing. No “what ifs”. I need to just be with the reality. I took my kids to the sitter, and despite wanting them here with me, I came home and sat in the silence.

 Revisiting October 11^th is painful. In fact, painful does not begin to describe it, but without details that I am not quite ready to share, know that pain is weaved all throughout.

 I was drawn back to a verse that I had come across not long after getting this “assignment” from my counselor.

I think back to what happened and I think about this verse. This tragedy is my “lion”. I was spared life. Each day that passes, I find moments where sadness overwhelms me, but I am also seeing more moments of joy…joy that I was not sure I’d be able to feel again. We are instructed to rejoice in all things (1 Thessalonians 5:16) and I have been finding ways to rejoice about what I’ve been through. Each day He is giving me strength. He is offering me grace each morning my feet hit the floor. He is by my side. My testimony has grown exponentially through this devastation and as I become more able to share, it will serve as an avenue for me to witness to others about God’s goodness and love. There is a message in this part of my life that needs to be heard. Just as in Timothy’s time, there are those living a life without the Salvation of Christ. If my story can pierce or soften one heart that will come to know Him, then it will have been worth all the heartache.

I have been delivered from the lion’s mouth. I have been set apart to share what others can or may not share. I have seen how God has saved me from the wreckage. While I still struggle with certain feelings and circumstances, I am no longer captive, and you need not be either. He is by your side. He will give you strength. He will deliver you.

What is your lion?

My Top 3 in 2016

This year has been a whirlwind. I have experienced a roller coaster ride of emotions and experiences...so much so that I am still trying to catch my breath in a lot ways. I want to thank all of you have been offering your love and support as the days drift on. This year might have overtaken me if the love of the Lord had not been so evident through you.

In looking back over these past 12 months, I've come across some moments I've put to the back of my mind and others that seem as fresh as the day they happened. I thought to wrap up this year, I'd share the top 3 most viewed blog posts from Rejoice and Repeat.

3.

What's Bigger than My Diagnosis?

In this post I share our infertility struggles and what we did to overcome them.

2.

Two Months After Tragedy
In this post I share update on the healing and personal obstacles I have been dealing with since October's tragedy.

1.

When God Uses the Unimaginable
This post was the first I shared about the tragedy I experienced this fall.

Learning to Lean in 2017

In 2015 I decided to forgo resolutions and just set goals. In 2016 I decided to center those goals around a single word for the year. 2016’s word was Restoration. I have been putting a lot of thought into what word I would need to focus on this year. When I felt led to Restoration, I had no idea how that word would take on valuable meaning as major life events unfolded in the latter half of the year.

 After some quiet time, I believe the Lord has lead me to the word I will focus on this year:

Lean

The dictionary has multiple meanings for this word. However, the one that struck an immediate chord with me was “to rely or depend”. The verse that I am focusing on this year accompanies this word and its definition in its entirety.

The last half of 2016 has taught me more than ever that I need to learn to lean. I am acutely aware at how inadequately I do this in my day to day life. I am a fixer. I am a planner. I do not do surprises well. I thrive under pressure and I enjoy routine. That is me. All of these personality traits tend to go against the meaning "lean".

It should not come as a surprise that I am hesitant to embrace this for the year, but I truly feel led to allow it to be the word that defines 2017.

Over the last year I have experienced indescribable heartache and lingering grief. I have had my best laid plans scattered in the wind, only to be amazed by God’s provision and order. While I know accepting to learn to lean is necessary, I also know it will be challenging.

I’ve been trying to gauge what this will look like for me this year and I have chosen some areas to really focus on this year. Some are similar to last year, but with a new word, there will also be new outcomes. While I could never foresee all that God has in store for me and my family, I know His plan is perfect. I know His actions are good. I know as I learn to truly lean on Him that I will grow my relationship with Him.

Learning to Lean in 2017

My Family

-depend on my husband more (give up more of my need to control)

-rely on God for wisdom in raising and making decisions for our children

-relying on God to grow our family how and when He chooses

Health

-relying on God to lead me to the right doctors and professionals

-depending on God to help me get back on track with eating and exercise

-relying on God to help me recover completely, both physically and emotionally

Home

-relying on God’s provision

-depending on God to direct us to the perfect plan and resources for our new home

Work

-depending on God to give me wisdom, patience, and endurance

Interpersonal

-relying on God to show me ways to strengthen relationships

-trusting God to bring those that I need into my life

-seeking God’s will for my friendships

-trusting God to help me develop relationships with others that I can help

It may seem like I have a lofty list, but the majority of these areas are intertwined. If you notice, the word lean is full of action. I know my shortcomings, but they do not define me. God will do a great work with me this year as I learn to lean into Him. It is my hope and prayer that I will be able to pay it forward through this season of growth and leave the lives I encounter better than they were before.

What will you be aiming for this year?

Linking up with Mommy Moments

Restoration in Review: 2016

I chose the word “Restoration”for the year of 2016. I worked hard to make change and as life goes, things did not quite turned out as I had planned…for better and for worse. I’ve learned so much in these past two months alone. Here is how Restoration panned out this past year.

Restore My Health

-Lower BP

Despite losing weight, this did not change. I meet with my doctor in January to look at what else I can do…especially since quitting my job is not an option.

-Overall health/fitness

Between February and June I had lost 25lbs. Since October I have put a lot of this back on for a variety of reasons.

-Address current health concerns

Most issues have been resolved. My shoulder still gives me some issues and there are still a couple minor things, but overall, I’m happy that the majority of my health concerns are no longer prevalent.

Restore Relationships

-More face time

I did not get to hang out with people as much as I had hoped.

-Less social media

I took a major step back. I’ve apologized for not knowing what’s going on in the lives of others since I almost never look at my FB feed. I can post pictures for family and friends without even going to the app. Quite frankly, if it weren’t for the ease of being able to share photo updates with those people, I’d get off FB permanently.

-Snail mail

I definitely sent out more than usual this year.

-Acts of kindness

I don’t think anyone can ever do enough of this.

-Date my husband

We managed to get in a date almost every month!

Restore My Prayer Life

-Create a place of prayer

-Dive wholeheartedly into the Word

-Devote one-on-one time with the Lord daily

These areas, while slightly improved, still have a lot of room to grow.

Restore Order in My Home

-All meals at the table

-Complete unfinished projects

-Establish a cleaning routine

-Purge unneeded/unnecessary items from our home

At the end of July we moved into a much smaller rental. We do not even have room for a table…alas our family dinners take place together in the living room. I can’t wait to get our new house built. However, because off the move, we were forced to get those projects that had been stalled for years completed. We also purged SO MUCH STUFF during the move. There is still much more to rid ourselves of, but we made a major dent.

I am hopeful for this New Year. I foresee a fair amount of change in our future, but prayerfully, the majority will be good. I’ll soon be sharing the word that I have chosen for this upcoming year and what we are looking forward to.

Two Months After Tragedy

I realize the blog has been particularly quiet lately. We have had a lot of life happening and I just could not justify missing it to sit in front of my laptop. I hope to be slowing down. There is a lot I want to share…things I feel I need to share.

Beauty from the ashes.

December 11^th marked two months since the tragedy. Two months. It has been an amount of time that both seems so short and so long ago at the same time.

It has been two months of recovery, physically, emotionally and mentally. There are moments that I feel like I’ve come so far in the way that I have been coping and then there are moments when a sound or smell triggers a memory that sends my mind whirling back to the day. My heart races. The adrenaline shoots through my veins. I find myself shaking.

In those moments, I frantically seek for the familiar. I look or listen for something that brings me back to my reality. Fortunately, I find it.

Over the last month it has become fairly evident that it is assumed that I am back to “normal”. I suppose because of my personality, it should just be natural for me to jump back into life as it was before. However, life is not like it was before. To those who think it has all been “fixed” and I am “better”…please, give me more time without judgement.

In a recent session with my pastor and his wife, we discussed my grief and how this event has changed my life. It is not something I want to “just forget” and move on from. It is my new normal and it is shaping who I believe God is wanting me to become.

I have been reading through Holley Gerth’s book, You’re Goingto Be Okay. I have been amazed at how, with each chapter, the content is precisely what I need for what I am experiencing. Here are a couple of gems I have been mulling over the last couple of days…

“It’s clear he wants us to thrive. He longs to bless us, yearns to bring us joy, stops at nothing to make sure we have an opportunity to experience life to the full…those places of pain are not where we’re made to dwell” (p.112)

“Jesus said, ‘I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full’ John 10:10. He didn’t say an easy life. He didn’t say a self-indulgent life where all your wishes are granted. He didn’t say a life free from pain. But he did say a full life. One of joy, peace, love, and hope. It’s not only possible---it’s promised” (p.117)

I know there are still some who are not familiar with what has happened and in time, I believe that part of my testimony will be shared. October 11^th has become a part of me. However, as the Lord continues to remind me, it is not who I am. The flashbacks and the nightmares are not where I am meant to dwell. God does not mean for me to live without joy and happiness.

If you are going through a season of grief, sadness or pain, remember, while it may not seem as such, it is only temporary. This truth has become prevalent as we head into this Christmas season. Jesus Himself was no stranger to the aches in this life. After all, it is why He came. His descent from Heaven to Earth was to bring the promise of Hope and Joy. In knowing the days we would face ahead, God knew we would need something to cling to. That Hope came in the form of a baby in a manger. It came in the form of a man, leading a perfect, sinless life, who would later die for the sins and imperfections of all. It came in the form of a Savior on a cross, who would breathe His last breath to give us Life.

“For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save
the world through him.”
John 3:17

Linking up for Mommy Moments

The Kids Behind the Blog-December 2016

It's time to link up for Kids Behind the Blog. This month's questions were really fun for my 3 year old.

1.)Which reindeer is your favorite?
Bambi (Apparently I've failed in distinguishing reindeer from other deer.)

2.) What do you want for Christmas?
Elsa barbie

3.) What would you do if you caught Santa at your house?
Ask him for toys

4.) What if Santa got stuck in your chimney?
I'd save him and grab him---he could pull my hand. 

5.) Do you want it to snow on Christmas? Why or Why not?
Yes, because I like snowflakes

6.) Have you been naughty or nice this year? Why?
Nice because I share with people.

7.) If Santa asked you to fly in his sleigh with him would you do it?
Yes and he can come to my Christmas party.

8.) What is your favorite Christmas movie?
Finding Dory...umm...The Grinch

9.) If you could change the color of Rudolf's nose what color would you make it?
Pink because I like pink.

10.) Sing me one Christmas Carol...

I'm still not sure, but it has something to do with Rudolph and his mean dad...