Learning to Lean in 2017

In 2015 I decided to forgo resolutions and just set goals. In 2016 I decided to center those goals around a single word for the year. 2016’s word was Restoration. I have been putting a lot of thought into what word I would need to focus on this year. When I felt led to Restoration, I had no idea how that word would take on valuable meaning as major life events unfolded in the latter half of the year.

 After some quiet time, I believe the Lord has lead me to the word I will focus on this year:

Lean

The dictionary has multiple meanings for this word. However, the one that struck an immediate chord with me was “to rely or depend”. The verse that I am focusing on this year accompanies this word and its definition in its entirety.

The last half of 2016 has taught me more than ever that I need to learn to lean. I am acutely aware at how inadequately I do this in my day to day life. I am a fixer. I am a planner. I do not do surprises well. I thrive under pressure and I enjoy routine. That is me. All of these personality traits tend to go against the meaning "lean".

It should not come as a surprise that I am hesitant to embrace this for the year, but I truly feel led to allow it to be the word that defines 2017.

Over the last year I have experienced indescribable heartache and lingering grief. I have had my best laid plans scattered in the wind, only to be amazed by God’s provision and order. While I know accepting to learn to lean is necessary, I also know it will be challenging.

I’ve been trying to gauge what this will look like for me this year and I have chosen some areas to really focus on this year. Some are similar to last year, but with a new word, there will also be new outcomes. While I could never foresee all that God has in store for me and my family, I know His plan is perfect. I know His actions are good. I know as I learn to truly lean on Him that I will grow my relationship with Him.

Learning to Lean in 2017

My Family

-depend on my husband more (give up more of my need to control)

-rely on God for wisdom in raising and making decisions for our children

-relying on God to grow our family how and when He chooses

Health

-relying on God to lead me to the right doctors and professionals

-depending on God to help me get back on track with eating and exercise

-relying on God to help me recover completely, both physically and emotionally

Home

-relying on God’s provision

-depending on God to direct us to the perfect plan and resources for our new home

Work

-depending on God to give me wisdom, patience, and endurance

Interpersonal

-relying on God to show me ways to strengthen relationships

-trusting God to bring those that I need into my life

-seeking God’s will for my friendships

-trusting God to help me develop relationships with others that I can help

It may seem like I have a lofty list, but the majority of these areas are intertwined. If you notice, the word lean is full of action. I know my shortcomings, but they do not define me. God will do a great work with me this year as I learn to lean into Him. It is my hope and prayer that I will be able to pay it forward through this season of growth and leave the lives I encounter better than they were before.

What will you be aiming for this year?

Linking up with Mommy Moments

Restoration in Review: 2016

I chose the word “Restoration”for the year of 2016. I worked hard to make change and as life goes, things did not quite turned out as I had planned…for better and for worse. I’ve learned so much in these past two months alone. Here is how Restoration panned out this past year.

Restore My Health

-Lower BP

Despite losing weight, this did not change. I meet with my doctor in January to look at what else I can do…especially since quitting my job is not an option.

-Overall health/fitness

Between February and June I had lost 25lbs. Since October I have put a lot of this back on for a variety of reasons.

-Address current health concerns

Most issues have been resolved. My shoulder still gives me some issues and there are still a couple minor things, but overall, I’m happy that the majority of my health concerns are no longer prevalent.

Restore Relationships

-More face time

I did not get to hang out with people as much as I had hoped.

-Less social media

I took a major step back. I’ve apologized for not knowing what’s going on in the lives of others since I almost never look at my FB feed. I can post pictures for family and friends without even going to the app. Quite frankly, if it weren’t for the ease of being able to share photo updates with those people, I’d get off FB permanently.

-Snail mail

I definitely sent out more than usual this year.

-Acts of kindness

I don’t think anyone can ever do enough of this.

-Date my husband

We managed to get in a date almost every month!

Restore My Prayer Life

-Create a place of prayer

-Dive wholeheartedly into the Word

-Devote one-on-one time with the Lord daily

These areas, while slightly improved, still have a lot of room to grow.

Restore Order in My Home

-All meals at the table

-Complete unfinished projects

-Establish a cleaning routine

-Purge unneeded/unnecessary items from our home

At the end of July we moved into a much smaller rental. We do not even have room for a table…alas our family dinners take place together in the living room. I can’t wait to get our new house built. However, because off the move, we were forced to get those projects that had been stalled for years completed. We also purged SO MUCH STUFF during the move. There is still much more to rid ourselves of, but we made a major dent.

I am hopeful for this New Year. I foresee a fair amount of change in our future, but prayerfully, the majority will be good. I’ll soon be sharing the word that I have chosen for this upcoming year and what we are looking forward to.

Two Months After Tragedy

I realize the blog has been particularly quiet lately. We have had a lot of life happening and I just could not justify missing it to sit in front of my laptop. I hope to be slowing down. There is a lot I want to share…things I feel I need to share.

Beauty from the ashes.

December 11^th marked two months since the tragedy. Two months. It has been an amount of time that both seems so short and so long ago at the same time.

It has been two months of recovery, physically, emotionally and mentally. There are moments that I feel like I’ve come so far in the way that I have been coping and then there are moments when a sound or smell triggers a memory that sends my mind whirling back to the day. My heart races. The adrenaline shoots through my veins. I find myself shaking.

In those moments, I frantically seek for the familiar. I look or listen for something that brings me back to my reality. Fortunately, I find it.

Over the last month it has become fairly evident that it is assumed that I am back to “normal”. I suppose because of my personality, it should just be natural for me to jump back into life as it was before. However, life is not like it was before. To those who think it has all been “fixed” and I am “better”…please, give me more time without judgement.

In a recent session with my pastor and his wife, we discussed my grief and how this event has changed my life. It is not something I want to “just forget” and move on from. It is my new normal and it is shaping who I believe God is wanting me to become.

I have been reading through Holley Gerth’s book, You’re Goingto Be Okay. I have been amazed at how, with each chapter, the content is precisely what I need for what I am experiencing. Here are a couple of gems I have been mulling over the last couple of days…

“It’s clear he wants us to thrive. He longs to bless us, yearns to bring us joy, stops at nothing to make sure we have an opportunity to experience life to the full…those places of pain are not where we’re made to dwell” (p.112)

“Jesus said, ‘I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full’ John 10:10. He didn’t say an easy life. He didn’t say a self-indulgent life where all your wishes are granted. He didn’t say a life free from pain. But he did say a full life. One of joy, peace, love, and hope. It’s not only possible---it’s promised” (p.117)

I know there are still some who are not familiar with what has happened and in time, I believe that part of my testimony will be shared. October 11^th has become a part of me. However, as the Lord continues to remind me, it is not who I am. The flashbacks and the nightmares are not where I am meant to dwell. God does not mean for me to live without joy and happiness.

If you are going through a season of grief, sadness or pain, remember, while it may not seem as such, it is only temporary. This truth has become prevalent as we head into this Christmas season. Jesus Himself was no stranger to the aches in this life. After all, it is why He came. His descent from Heaven to Earth was to bring the promise of Hope and Joy. In knowing the days we would face ahead, God knew we would need something to cling to. That Hope came in the form of a baby in a manger. It came in the form of a man, leading a perfect, sinless life, who would later die for the sins and imperfections of all. It came in the form of a Savior on a cross, who would breathe His last breath to give us Life.

“For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save
the world through him.”
John 3:17

Linking up for Mommy Moments

The Kids Behind the Blog-December 2016

It's time to link up for Kids Behind the Blog. This month's questions were really fun for my 3 year old.

1.)Which reindeer is your favorite?
Bambi (Apparently I've failed in distinguishing reindeer from other deer.)

2.) What do you want for Christmas?
Elsa barbie

3.) What would you do if you caught Santa at your house?
Ask him for toys

4.) What if Santa got stuck in your chimney?
I'd save him and grab him---he could pull my hand. 

5.) Do you want it to snow on Christmas? Why or Why not?
Yes, because I like snowflakes

6.) Have you been naughty or nice this year? Why?
Nice because I share with people.

7.) If Santa asked you to fly in his sleigh with him would you do it?
Yes and he can come to my Christmas party.

8.) What is your favorite Christmas movie?
Finding Dory...umm...The Grinch

9.) If you could change the color of Rudolf's nose what color would you make it?
Pink because I like pink.

10.) Sing me one Christmas Carol...

I'm still not sure, but it has something to do with Rudolph and his mean dad...

Kids Behind the Blog November 2016

I have so many things to be thankful for, this month and always. My kids are definitely two of my greatest blessings. With them in mind, I'm linking up for this month's Kids Behind the Blog link-up.

This month's questions were:
(answers per my 3 year old)

1. What are 3 things you are thankful for?

Wonder Woman, butterflies and my family

2. What is your favorite food served at Thanksgiving dinner?

Corn

3. If you could be president for the day, what would you do? 

Make everyone get in a line so I could be the line leader (clearly she loves this job at school lol).

4. How many feathers does a Turkey have?

2 wings and 5 feathers

5. Who is your favorite relative to see during the holidays?​

Mommy

I'm surprised by her food answer...she rarely eats corn. I was also pretty honored that I'm her favorite relative haha.

I hope you'll join the link up and share what your littles have to day.

Jehovah Shalom: The Lord is Peace

Peace.

A single syllable word that has the ability to hold more promise than its five letters can simply convey. We want it. We hope for it. We need it.

God promises it.

I myself will tend my sheep and give them a place to lie down in peace, says the Sovereign Lord.

Ezekiel 34:15

Over the last month I have dealt with levels of anxiety that I have not experienced in quite some time. The sweaty palms, quickened heart rate, nauseated stomach, social situation avoidance…the symptoms are many. Nothing about these moments have been peaceful. I fight a continuous battle between what I feel and what I know. My sour stomach constantly reminds me that I am not at peace. The nightmares remind me that my world has been shaken. The flashbacks bring tears that I wish I could stop crying.

This is real life. Not only am I working through all of this, but there is the rest of “life” that I am forced to deal with. It is quite overwhelming.

Peace.

I want it. I hope for it. I need it.

God promises it.

God is peace. He is Jehovah Shalom.

Too often I think we find ourselves living in the “what ifs”. What if this happens? What if that goes bad? What if…what if…what if…the possibilities of “if” are endless. I imagine Satan rubbing his hands together as a cruel smile crosses his face with each “what if” that sends us further and further into a spiral. Because of our sin nature, we naturally gravitate toward the negative. We tend to find the worst in situations. We imagine the worst, even if it is unlikely to happen. We let the “what ifs” get the better of us. The more “what ifs” we cram into our hearts and heads, the less space there is for peace to reside.

We are not meant to live this way.

In order to allow God to move in our lives as Jehovah Shalom, we have to make a conscience effort to adjust our thinking. We have to not immediately jump to the negative or what if. Is this easy? No. Necessary? Yes.

I have been continually seeking God in prayer. I have been writing scripture on my heart for when my anxiety begins to arise. Am I always successful? No. But I am making progress. I’m trying to allow God to penetrate my heart with His peace. I am trying to let His words reverberate in my head. It’s a process. This peace extends far beyond just the ache that I have been dealing with over the last month. It is relevant for the present and will be beneficial in the future. I’m learning how to fully accept His peace while working through my feelings.

“Don’t be afraid,” he said, “for you are very precious to God. Peace! Be encouraged! Be strong!” As he spoke these words to me, I suddenly felt stronger and said to him, “Please speak to me, my lord, for you have strengthened me.”

Daniel 10:19

Despite my best efforts, there will always be things out of my control. However, the One who holds my life in His hands is the One who is in control of everything. He is my God. He is my Peace. He is Jehovah Shalom.

You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you!

Isaiah 26:3

El Roi: The God Who Sees

3 weeks have passed. Some days it seems like it has been months and other days it seems like it just happened. Time can be a complicated thing.

There have been times over the last couple of weeks that I’ve really struggled. I’ve cried tears as fresh as the first ones to fall. In those moments I have found myself wondering if God really sees me…I mean really sees me.

As a mother, my heart aches at the sound of my children’s cries. I want so badly to alleviate their hurt. I want their pain to stop. I see them. I come to them.

God is my Father. My Heavenly-made the cosmos-holds the world in His hands-Father. He loved me before anyone in the world knew of my existence. It only stands to reason that He sees me. After all, He is omniscient.

I recently read Genesis 16. It is the story of Hagar. Through circumstances beyond her control she becomes pregnant, is badly treated by her mistress, and runs away out of fear and anguish. In the moment she feels most alone, God sends His angel to her. He sends His comfort and instruction.

God saw her. He saw a woman grieving. He saw a heart aching with little relief. He saw a soul needing rest and peace.

As I mulled over this, I realized that although our pain and angst are the result of very different circumstances, we are very similar in how God sees us.

God sees me. He sees a woman grieving. He sees a heart aching with little relief. He sees my soul needing rest and peace.

In those moments, the God Hagar came to know as El Roi (The God Who Sees) reminded me that He is also the God who sees me. He sees my tears. He hears my silent prayers. He knows my anxieties. He knows me better than I know myself. He sees my past. He sees my present and He sees my future. He is in it all.

Just as He watches me, it is that much more important that I keep my eyes on Him. This world can be treacherous and Satan knows our weaknesses. He knows what keeps us up at night and he knows how to stir up worst case scenarios in our minds. He loves helping us jump to the “what ifs”. However, he is hindered when our eyes are on Christ. His foothold is broken.

“My eyes are ever on the Lord, for only He will release my feet from the snare.” Psalm 25:15

As I continue to work through the emotional wreckage, it is a comfort to know that He sees me. He will come to me. He will cover me with His wings.

“He will cover you with His feathers, and under His wings You will find refuge; His faithfulness will be Your shield and protection.” Psalm 91:4