You've prayed. You've tasted bitterness. You've remained hopeful. You've fought against the odds. And then...you want to give up. You want to throw your hands in the air because you don't understand why it seems everyone around you can have a baby and you can't. You battle these emotions day in and day out.
Fast forward (in slow motion) and a miraculous things happens. You...the one wondering if your prayers will ever be answered in the way that you hoped, are pregnant. Those two beautiful pink lines bring a plethora of emotions. You struggle with disbelief and complete elation. You want to tell everyone and no one at the same time. Your dreams are becoming a reality.
I must say that my emotions and experiences regarding both the conception of my daughter and, now, this precious miracle have been all of those things and more. It's crazy to think that after all someone with infertility goes through that she could feel anything but complete joy...and yet, it becomes so much more.
This new journey comes with a mixed bag of emotions. Your excitement can become tainted with other less pleasant emotions. I struggled greatly...and still struggle with these things.
One of the most difficult emotions to combat is guilt.
It's hard to get beyond this one. I've been fortunate enough to have a beautiful support group this time around. The three of us have been praying for each other, hoping and wishing on every star for one another to become pregnant. It's what we all want for each other...so why the guilt? It's the flip side of the "why she and not me?" It becomes the "Praise God for me, but why not she?" I so desperately want all of us to share this experience. I want each of them to know the excitement and worry and all of the crazy good that is pregnancy and motherhood. But alas, I can't change what is. It is very hard to tell those most close to you...those women who have walked this journey with you, that you are now pregnant. I have been fortunate to have their full love and support but it is still very difficult to tell them something that you know will bring pain to their hearts, despite the sincere happiness they have for you. I've been on that side. I know the feeling.
Another feeling that I, and many others, experience is jealousy. Say what?! I know what you're thinking. I'm pregnant. Move on! I know, I know. It's so hard to explain but the words "we weren't even trying" or "it happened our first time" still bring a sting to my heart. While I rejoice in our blessing, there is still that achy part of me that wishes our journey to our miracle was not so laden with tears.
I also struggle with worry. My PCOS puts me at a higher risk for miscarriage. At the time of this post, I am 4 months pregnant. I've felt my little one move a few times and my growing belly shows promise. These things are amazing and wonderful, but I still worry. I still worry about the health of our unborn child. I worry about what may or may not happen. I have to daily place our sweet babe in the Lord's hands.
Now, before you get bogged down in the less than desirable things...I confess that my heart is so full and my soul continually rejoices over the miracle that I carry. God has blessed our little family with another child and for that I will be forever grateful.
Throughout your infertility journey you will face multiple ups and downs. The most important thing is to not lose heart and to never give up. You're miracle may be right around the corner...and remember, no matter how you decide to fill your home with the pitter patter of little feet, you will be blessed.
