There is this world separate from everyday living. It is called the Land of Infertility. You need no passport to travel here; in fact, most of us arrive to this destination against our wishes. This trip can cost thousands and the emotional toll, while without a price tag, can be even more costly.
It is an all-encompassing journey.
As a Christian woman, I’ve always believed that I was made to procreate and nurture. Scripture even validates my belief…
Then God blessed them and said, “Be fruitful and multiply. Fill the earth and govern it.” Gen. 1:28a
When we encountered the reality that we were dealing with infertility, it was as if a load of bricks had been thrust upon me. I remember thinking: I saved myself for marriage. I waited for the one God had for me…I’ve tried to live according to God’s commands. How can this be? How is it that we can’t begin this family that we’ve so often talked about having? No body tells you growing up or during the "birds and bees" speech that you could face the possibility of infertility.
I struggled for over a year with these feelings and many others that I am not proud of. Jealousy ran rampart. I experienced depression. I avoided baby showers. I cried in public at the sight of pregnant women. I was not a good friend. I was in one of the darkest times of my life. It was a time that I have no doubt that Satan fed off of.
::via::I cried constantly. My heart continually ached. It was a silent struggle in my life that very few had any inkling about. Some days I had to force myself to venture out.
We did receive an unexpected blessing. Out of the darkness our God shined brightly upon us and blessed us with a beautiful, healthy little girl. She is sincerely more precious and amazing than we could ever imagine.
April 2013
I’ve tried to be more open about my fears and concerns regarding adding to our family in the future. Countless times I’ve been told, “Well at least you already have one.” Yes. Praise God. And I am well aware that some may never know this joy. I’ve been left feeling guilty at times for wanting more children. I’ve always had a dream of a large family. People make comments or try to give advice or try to console, and while I appreciate the good intentions, I don’t want anyone to be offended when I don’t find comfort with your words. It’s a hard place to be in. It is a very difficult journey, whether you have been trying for 2 months or 12 years, it’s never easy.
::via::As I’ve been diving into the Word as of late, I’ve come across some similarities between my infertility journey and those in scripture. Take Sarah for instance. She was destined to bring forth a child that would influence and contribute to nations long after her life on earth was over. However, for years and on into very old age she remained barren. Her circumstances fed into feelings of anger and bitterness (
Gen. 11:29) It was then that I realized, even this woman who was referred to as one of God’s most faithful (
Heb. 11:11), faced a similar darkness. I was made acutely aware that there are lies. There are lies that Satan would have you dwell upon and believe. Those same lies are used to consume your hope and whittle away at your faith. Maybe you’ve heard some of these lies…
-You are alone.
-No one understands.
-You are not worthy of a child.
-It will never happen.
-You are broken.
These are ugly, ugly lies straight from the pit of hell. These lies creep into hearts, take root, and then grow thorns into your self-worth, your outlook on life, your marriage, your friendships, and family relationships.
In all honesty, I had gotten to a point where I avoided Sunday School because it was too painful to see all of my pregnant friends and to hear about their other children. Yes, it seems lame, but in my grief filled bubble, it was what I felt I had to do.
These lies fed my bitterness with each "unexpected/unplanned" pregnancy announcement. There were times that I thought the words, “we weren’t even trying” or “we got it on the first try” would kill me.
Like I said, it was a very dark time.
As we face the issues of infertility once again, I feel these same feelings trying to surface. I’ve been diving into scripture, persistently and boldly coming to God in prayer, and clinging to what I know is Truth. When I talk about hoping for more children in the near future, I often get the response, “you had one so you would think it would be easier this time.” You would think…but no. So while I know there will be more tears shed and more moments where I have to intentionally choose my joy over the past and current pain of disappointment, I am holding fast to several verses of scripture.
It is my hope that if you are living in the Land of Infertility, that you will seek God first. His best will be more than we can ever imagine. It is also essential that you talk about it. I have made a couple of wonderful friends through an infertility support group. Even if you only confide in one person, do it. This journey cannot be walked alone.
::via:: I want to share with you several pieces of scripture that I have written down on both paper and my heart. I repeatedly come back to these verses as reminders of God’s goodness. I hope you’ll take time to focus on them, let them sink in; let them uproot the lies that you’ve allowed to grow in your heart and mind. Remember that you are never alone.
“Ah, Sovereign Lord, You have made the heavens and the earth by your great power and outstretched arm. Nothing is too hard for you.” Jeremiah 32:17
“Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful.” Hebrews 10:23
“You are my refuge and my shield; I have put my hope in Your word.” Psalm 119:114
“I wait for the Lord, my whole being waits, and in His word I put my hope.” Psalm 130:5
Jesus looked at them intently and said, “Humanly speaking, it is impossible. But with God everything is possible.” Matthew 19:26Remember...when these feelings arise and reality is hard to process...you are not crazy. You're feelings are valid and above all, God is and always will be Sovereign.
