I was thrilled when
Caroline shared her Infertility link-up with me. It's been a week of advocating and spreading the word on infertility...also known as life and/or National Infertility Awareness Week! I was even more excited when she said that she was hoping those of us that have seen the other side of infertility would contribute. I truly believe it is essential that women see that there is another side...a side of hope...to this life altering diagnosis.
My husband and I were extremely cautious early in our marriage. We did not want to bring children into our family until we were "ready" or "the time was right". I set an alarm for my birth control (even on my honeymoon) to ensure that we would not experience any "surprises". The joke was on us. After 3 years of marriage we decided we'd go ahead and start adding to our family. Our natural efforts were not successful and I sought answers to my questions from my gynecologist. She eventually diagnosed me with PCOS and put me on Metformin. I was never given an explanation for her decisions, but she was my doctor. Why would I question her?
After months of additional negative pregnancy tests, she said she wanted to put me on Clomid. Once again, no blood work, ultrasounds or explanations. She said if that did not work then she would not be able to assist us further and would refer us to a specialist. She said it may just be an issue of not being able to have children.
::tears::
Confusion.
Anger.
Bitterness.
My husband and I prayed about our next step and we decided to forgo meeting again with my doctor and seek out a second opinion. We were led to the doctors at
University Physicians for Women at Northridge. I went with this practice for a variety of reasons. The majority of the doctors were well versed in my PCOS diagnosis, they delivered at the hospital I had hoped to give birth in (someday), and they had direct access to highly respected infertility specialists. Upon our first visit, I knew in my heart that we had made the right choice. I was immediately put at ease by the expertise of the nurse and then by my doctor. She took me off the Metformin after receiving my blood work (she drew a full blood panel) and discovering that at the time, there was no immediate reason for me to be taking it. Upon further testing, we discovered that my testosterone was higher than normal and may be contributing to my inability to conceive. I was then put back on the meds, but with an actual reason for doing such this time.
I tracked my cycles and after more blood work, it appeared that my body would try to gear up to ovulate but could not follow through. I was heartbroken. If I wasn't ovulating then there would not be an egg waiting to be fertilized. At that point, my husband and I prayed for wisdom as to how far we would should go in our efforts to conceive. We decided that if medication was not enough, then we'd stop and try to fill our home with a child another way. We were at peace with this decision. We spoke with our doctor about our options and she completely respected our decision. From there, she came at us with a Plan A and then a Plan B if that did not work. I was thrilled to have answers and a plan.
After several months, we were still not pregnant. This medication is only permitted for a certain amount of cycles (this varies depending on the doctor) and we were two cycles away from ending the meds. My blood work initially showed that my body was gearing up but still no follow through. She upped my dosage. I then had a good ovulatory cycle, but no pregnancy. With each passing month, my heart grew more heavy. Finally...our miracle occurred.
In August 2012, we became pregnant with what would result in our beautiful baby girl.
During our first infertility journey, I can now look back to realize that I was dealing with depression. That time in my life was so dark. It was so sad. I felt broken and so alone. I had wrapped my worth up in my inability to have children and I had allowed Satan to feed my heart lies that I began to believe. Only through the grace of God did I overcome the darkness.
When we decided to try for another child, I began charting my cycles again and realized my body was back to its old ways. We discussed this with our doctor and there was no wait time. She immediately started us on the same protocol that we did the last time. Our son's conception beat the odds in terms of science due to previous and additional complications.
I've learned not to compare my story with anyone else's. It's hard...so hard...not to. Some women get pregnant by sneezing (or so it would seem) and then others face it for years without any success. Our story is not as detailed as others or the journey as long as some, but that does not make our story any less important. It has become a part of our testimony.
Our story proves that our God is bigger than any diagnosis. My hope was and is bigger than my diagnosis. I no longer allow my worth to be defined by my "broken parts". I don't know what our future holds, but I know He is good.
Without Him, we would not have our children. Our children were prayed for, longed for, and miraculous in so many ways.
My heart continues to grieve with those who face the uncertainties of infertility. I still bear scars and old feelings still surface. My journey and spiritual growth have led me to answer God's call to begin a faith based infertility support group. We have been meeting since November and it is slowly growing. My heart is so full when I am able to share our story and the stories of others. I have the privilege of reminding these women that they are loved by our God in the midst of their circumstances and that despite what is going on, He truly has their best interests at heart. I know that I had lost sight of that during my struggle.
