Running out of Kleenex

I have been an emotional mess today! I'm not sure what's going on but I'm okay with it stopping any time...I've dedicated today as a "Mommy and Me" day with G. I've only done household things while she's napping and enjoying every moment with her while she is awake. I've just become overwhelmed with the amount of love I have for her. As I was scanning Facebook and surfing for some recipes for this month's menu, I ran across a young couple who recently lost their little girl. She was under two years old. I don't know the circumstances but the mother's posts just tore at my heart. I've been crying ever since. I just look at G as she lay sleeping and it's all I can do not to wake her up. I can't imagine my life without her.

This got me thinking about all of those little ones who have gone before us. I've heard many parents say that a child should never leave this earth before his or her parents. When I was younger I never really thought too much about it. I was okay with knowing that I knew Jesus and that my parents, should something ever happen to me, would be "sad" but knew I was with the Lord. As I look at my little girl I now know that "sad" would never be an appropriate adjective for such a loss. I've lost friends and family members and I've come to terms with the losses. However, I just don't know how I could ever do the same with my child. I know all of this is so morbid but I'm afraid if I don't get my feelings down and out then I'll be a basket case all day.

I think about how God gave His only son to save us from an eternity in Hell. What kind of love that must be! I know I've written about this topic in the past but it still amazes me with a fresh appreciation every time it comes to mind. God has everything and yet He still wants me. He gave His perfect son to die a horrible death so that me, an unworthy sinner, would someday come to know Him. I just can't wrap my brain around it logically and yet in my heart I am so thankful...so grateful...and so in awe of God's goodness.

For those who don't know, G is quite the little miracle for my husband and I. When I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome in December of 2011, after many months of trying to get pregnant, I was not sure what that would mean for us. After blood work, several medications and countless ovulation and pregnancy tests, my doctor decided there was nothing else she could do and wanted to refer us to a fertility specialist. She could offer no reassurance about our ability to get pregnant, even with the help of a specialist. Through the years of preparing our hearts and our home for a child, I prayed many tearful prayers and I wanted to believe that God would fill our home with the laughter of a little one. We opted out of seeing a fertility specialist, but did decide to go to a doctor who specialized in my diagnosis. In the couple of months prior to my first visit, we changed our prayers from pregnancy to being open to however God saw fit to bring a child into our lives. Right before my first appointment with the new doctor, I became pregnant. It was our long awaited miracle.

Throughout our journey, we had so many people who would try to encourage us in their own way...mostly with "it will happen in God's time", "just stop trying and it will happen", "stop thinking about it and you'll get pregnant"...well, for those who have never had this type of experience, while those statements seem like they would offer comfort, in reality they only added salt to the wound. I was praying and it seemed like those prayers were just bouncing off the ceiling. I knew that if it was God's will for us it would happen, but that did not ease the pain. It was not a matter of "trying or not trying" or "thinking about it"...you can't just turn those things off. You don't just wake up one day and say, "Oh, I'm going to no longer think about wanting a baby." The end. It does not work like that. The heart wants what the heart wants.

Another issue we ran into was when people would question why didn't have kids yet or when we planned on starting a family. I know my emotions were raw but it was like nails on a chalkboard whenever someone would ask those questions. Another phrase that killed was "we're pregnant, and we weren't even trying!" Ouch. Our experiences prior to our pregnancy have made us very aware of how we approach others and it has heightened our sensitivity when asking people those types of questions. Honestly, for the most part, we simply don't ask. If they want to bring it up then we are all ears.

I don't apologize for my rant but I do thank you for bearing with me. It has just been one of those days and with my husband working yet another 72 hour shift, I'm in need of some chocolate and a good movie...all while rocking my angel. Maybe it's the dread of leaving her to go back to work in a couple of days...maybe it's hormones...whatever it is, I am grateful for a God who holds tomorrow and offers His love, peace, and comfort like no one else can.

Just for Fun
Our piece of Heaven













G with her Granna July 2013