All that I am...

Mommy meltdown. I was rocking G today and it hit me. Monday begins a whole lot of firsts that I don't feel ready for. It will be her first day at the sitter and my first day back at work since I left on maternity leave at the end of April. I can't imagine not being there to calm her when she cries, to rock her to sleep, to see her smile when she wakes up and recognizes my face...all of these thoughts brought me to tears. How many times has she been crying in the arms of someone else and as soon as I hold her in mine she stops? It's what I do. I'm "mommy". I know moms all over the world go through this, and many much sooner than I, but I can't help but feel so unprepared for this! I got myself together and enjoyed some time just rocking my miracle as she slept so soundly. I did really well until I began packing her things for the sitter. I'll be dropping her stuff off tomorrow so that it will be a smoother drop off for G on Monday. As I folded her little clothes and dropped in a couple blankets and bibs, I got all teary again. I know I am not being called to be a stay at home mom. I am called to teach. God has placed me in the public school system to touch lives in a special way...and I look forward to this. However, a large part of me is having a very difficult time letting go of the "normal" I've had over the last 3.5 months. I am okay with going back to work...which in turn does make me feel a bit guilty, and I do feel heartbroken about all of the time I will have to spend there. Once again however, I know this is what God is calling me to.

All of this got me to thinking about all that I am. I have taken on new roles and phased out of others. When I think about how sad I am to be leaving my little girl, I have to remember that God has provided a safe place for her and that He has called me to be more than only a mother.

I am...
A mother
A wife
A daughter
A sister
A friend
An accountability partner
A teacher
A co-worker
A team member
A child of God...and the list goes on.

Just these titles alone show me that I am so much to so many and God has given me the opportunity to impact lives in very special ways in very specific areas. In my home I have the opportunity to show my daughter how to love God and how to live out the life that God calls us to lead. As a wife I am able to offer companionship and love in a way that no one else can to my husband. As I branch out, I know that as a daughter, I can now be a friend with my mother and have a relationship with her that many miss out on in this day and age. To my sisters I can be an example and an encouragement. We may not always like each other but our love and loyalty for one another is fierce.

Stepping out a little further, I am a friend. I have acquaintances, good friends, and of course, the time tried best of friendships. To all of these I try to offer myself as a confidant. We weather the seasons of life together. As an accountability partner I not only have to ensure that I am doing what I set out to do, but remain open and honest with my partner.

As a teacher I have the blessed responsibility to not only expand the minds of my students through academics, but through moral facets as well. I have the chance to change the future, one precious little life at a time. Many come to my class with broken homes and broken hearts. They are too young to know how to cope with what is going on in their worlds and I have the honor of being a safe place for them to land. As a co-worker, I remain flexible and open to new opportunities. Within my first grade team, I am a full on team player. We work together to ensure the best experience for our students.

Most importantly, I am a child of God. I have a Father whose love is so deep and so wide...His mercy and grace are in abundance...His promise for my future is unwavering. Because I am His, I can go forth and be sure of who I am in all that I am.

As the days pass on and our new "normal" develops, I will cling to my God for comfort, wisdom, and endurance. A dear friend shared a post from A Holy Experience that likened our life in Christ to the experience of becoming a mother. The author said that "a mother's labor and delivery never ends, and you never stop having to remember to breathe." Her blog post could not have been passed my way at a better time. She reminds us that breathing is essential and even the most silent of prayers are heard.

Breathe in: Lord I receive what You give.
Breathe out: Lord I give thanks for what you give.

In and out. In and out. All day long. In and out.

She also reminded me that delivery does not stop just because my daughter has entered the world. I must offer her, deliver her, daily into God's hands. And just because I no longer have to push while the nurse counts to ten does not mean the pushing ends. There will be so many moments that I have to push through. I can't give up just because things get hard. I pray God will continue to show me His grace as I learn and re-learn life lessons and remain vulnerable as new situations arise.

In and out. All day long. In and out.

"Now you are no longer a slave but God's own child. And since you are His child, God has made you His heir." Galatians 4:7

 



"And may you have the power to understand, as all God's people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is." Ephesians 3:18