The Other End of the Line

I don't know what it is about this week but everything has been a bit off kilter and today was eventful in its own way. This morning started off a bit rough and hectic. I then waited eagerly for a call from my husband regarding G's doctor's appointment. She's had a nasty little cold the past couple of days and her coughing became really rough last night and it woke her up at 430a this morning. The doctor of course said it was nothing to be concerned about at this point and to ride it out. This is what I figured but with the way it sounded, I wanted to be certain nothing was settling in her chest. She's remained happy all day. I just can't get enough of this little girl!

While I was happy to get the call reporting a fairly good bill of health, the next call was not one I was expecting. C was on his way home from the doctor with G and ended up in an accident. A couple of guys in a construction truck came over into his lane, hitting the front of our car. They continued to drive on without so much as stopping to check on my family. C was able to get some vital information in order to contact the police department and file a report. I am beyond grateful to God for their safety. I can't imagine what a mess I would be if they had been hurt. So now, at this point, we've got the report filed, our insurance is doing their thing, and our car will be out of commission for a while. It's always something...and yet God's goodness remains through it all.

After grilling in the rain, I got G ready for bath and bed. She is such a little snuggle bunny. I finally made my way into the kitchen to enjoy some dinner. I eventually got a call from my hubby saying he had an emergency call that he had to run with the fire department. It doesn't look like I'll be seeing him today after all.

I got to thinking about how a single phone call can change the course of a day in an instant. With today being the 12th year since the 9/11 attacks, I can't help but think about the phone calls made that day and the life altering conversations that took place. I think of the husbands calling their wives to send them their love. I think of the call into the police and fire stations alerting them of the need for assistance. I cringe at the thought of the calls made in search of loved ones and the calls received about the loss of those that were involved. I pray to God that I never have to receive a call like that.

My husband is a firefighter and there have been a lot of people in passing that ask how I handle him working that type of job. He has long hours and can be gone from home several days at a time. He is the first in and the last out. He will willingly give his life for that of a stranger. He does not fear the unknown...he embraces it and uses it to fuel his drive. I can honestly say that this is his calling and God has placed him in his position for a reason. Back to those who don't know how I do it...especially with a baby...I pray. I give C to the Lord everyday. I know that if he were to die in the line of duty, he would be doing what the Lord has called him to do. He would head to Heaven doing something he loves and has an unwavering passion for. I honestly don't know how people who do not know Christ as their Savior make it through the day. I could not sleep at night if I did not know that the Lord has my husband in His hands.

In our office, my husband has this prayer hanging...I know that it is a prayer that he holds dear to his heart and has meant with each uttered word:

Fireman’s Prayer

When I am called to duty, God
whenever flames may rage,
Give me the strength to save some life
Whatever be its age.

Help me to embrace a little child
Before it’s too late,
Or some older person
from the horror of that fate.

Enable me to be alert
And hear the weakest shout,
And quickly and efficiently
to put the fire out.

I want to fill my calling
and give the best in me,
To guard my neighbor
And protect his property.

And if according to Your will
I have to lose my life,
Please bless with Your protecting hand
My children and my wife

 

As this day comes to a close, hold those you love a little bit closer and love them with a fierceness that they'll feel even away from your presence. Thank you God for making all things work together for good...





A Forgotten Prayer

Whew...what a day! It was definitely a Monday all day long. I was glad to have had put a roast in the crock-pot this morning. It encouraged my sweet hubby to complete the meal before I got home. I was treated to a delicious meal of Italian venison, a baked potato and lima beans. He is a good man. I was also overjoyed to get home with my daughter. She is a pitiful mess right now. Her cold has her suffering from a stuffy, runny nose (I'll never understand why those two things must go hand in hand) and then it appears she is teething. She is a trooper.

After last night's post, I had the blessing of touching base with one of my dearest friends. It feels so good to be transparent with someone you've shared so much with and know your heart is safe.

I used to journal all of the time. It began in middle school and continued well after college. Once I married however, the journaling became very infrequent. While rummaging through a drawer, I found a letter that I had written at some point and tucked away. It was painful to revisit the words and yet they delivered a sense of restoration as I reflected on all that God had done since the writing of those words.

Dear God,

This ache in my heart will not recede. I'm always weepy, sad, and I walk around in such a state of instability. I keep praying for Your will. I just don't understand how my heart and soul could contain such a desire only to have it return void over and over again.

The reminders are everywhere. I've never known such continuous bitterness and heartache. I want to live a life worthy of your calling. I know this is not the case. How can it be with such a heavy heart? I can't explain the ache and although You are slowly revealing my feelings to me, I can't shake the pain. There is such beauty in Your perfection. I can't fathom the full extent of Your goodness.

Please forgive me for allowing my emotions to cloud my view of who You are. Forgive me for the resentment and bitterness I've been holding on to. I'm still unsure how to let go but I know it's necessary. Please help me to reconnect with You, my husband, my friends and myself. Please ease the ache until our time...

...

While this is far from my 7th grade "Dear Diary", I can't help but reconnect with that season of my life. I vividly remember the days of ache and what I can see now as nothing less than borderline depression. I was so sad. My joy was suppressed so far that I'm certain God's light was rarely seen in me. I remember how I struggled to get myself out of bed to go to church. My Sunday School class (that I still hold so dear to my heart) was filled with precious pregnant women...most of which also already had at least one child. Our class discussions always seemed to eventually center around pregnancy and/or babies. I dreaded going. I hated the thought of sitting there and then I would get so mad at myself for allowing my emotions to over rule my fellowship and worship with my God and fellow brothers and sisters in Christ. While I occasionally find myself creeping into some of the dark crevasses of those days, I know that my God is bigger than anything that I have or ever will face.

I am thankful for brighter days. I remember the day when I came to the realization that I can't fix everything and that I can't do this all on my own. I sought professional help and I have come so far. Few people know the depth of my sadness...most only know the surface. I can't thank God enough for my husband and the unconditional love and support that he provided during that time. I remain grateful for my friends that while they may not have fully understood my trials, they prayed with and for me, sent me encouragement along the way, and walked through the shadows with me.

"With joy you will draw water form the wells of salvation." Isaiah 12:3

Just for Fun
On a lighter note, tomorrow is our "food day" at school. Every Tuesday we have grade level meetings and to liven things up, we each bring a little something. I have been dying to try one of my new Pinterest finds: Red Velvet Brownies. The only addition I made to the recipe was to throw in a 1/2c of chocolate chips. They are still cooling so I have yet to sample...I'll keep you posted on how they turn out. If they taste half as good as they look...yum!

(a pic from the original post...mine will be cut into squares and minus the strawberries)

3-0

This morning did not go as planned. G has not been herself these last couple of days. She isn't sleeping as well and has what appears to be a summer cold. The poor little thing has a stuffy, runny nose and the occasional cough. She still smiles mostly but we can tell she does not feel very well. We also believe she may be teething. Everything she can get her hands on goes in her mouth. She is gnawing like crazy! Around the time I needed to get ready for church, G finally fell back to sleep. I could not deny her a much needed nap.

My husband also returned home this weekend from a 48 hour shift on the fire/rescue crew at the Lockin' Music Festival. He was exhausted having only gotten a few short hours of sleep over the course of the last few days. He came home, kissed us both, and headed to bed.

As I rocked my baby and smiled at the thought of my husband being home, I realized I would have to worship the Lord from the spot in which I sat. I turned to my scripture reading for the day and this is what was laid before me:

Psalm 126:1-6 1 When the LORD brought back his exiles to Jerusalem,*   it was like a dream! 2 We were filled with laughter,   and we sang for joy. And the other nations said,   "What amazing things the LORD has done for them." 3 Yes, the LORD has done amazing things for us!   What joy! 4 Restore our fortunes, LORD,   as streams renew the desert. 5 Those who plant in tears   will harvest with shouts of joy. 6 They weep as they go to plant their seed,   but they sing as they return with the harvest.

This scripture just touched my soul. I think back to the times when my heart and soul felt so barren from circumstances beyond my control. I would cry out to God. I would yell. I would shed tears. I would sit in silence...and through it all I would wait. As a Christian, my journey here on Earth is heading toward a beautiful beginning. The joy will be forever. The start of my eternity will have no end.

While I remain here on Earth, I find it easy to sink into the fears and anxiety that I have dealt with for so long. God continues to work on me and through me in an ever progress movement to get me out of the miry clay. With each step forward I can't help but connect with the joyful sentiments found in these verses. What AMAZING things the Lord has done! My heart clings to verse 5 when it says "Those who plant in tears will harvest with shouts of joy." This reflects God's promise that He works all things to the good of those who love Him.

What joy!

I also began thinking about all of the things that I wish I would have done and all the things I hope to do. I see so much promise and hope when I look at my little girl. To have a doctor tell you that she has no options left for you and that a specialist will be the next course of action is very disheartening. It becomes even more so when the doctor says that she isn't even sure if the specialist will be able to offer anything else outside of invasive treatments. It was at that moment that I forced my heart, head and soul to remember who was my Great Physician. God had a plan for us and despite what might never be in the eyes and hands of man, there is nothing outside of God's ability. Our little girl is proof of that. His ability to create this precious life in a womb where there once was not one still brings tears to my eyes. He also led us to a new group of doctors familiar with  my condition and in them I have a whole new hope for conceiving future children. I can't explain how loved all of this has made me feel. It was as if God wrapped His arms around me and placed a peace in my heart. So, until we begin the venture of baby #2, I revel in the miraculous beauty that is my daughter.

I consider the obstacles that we may face as I edge closer to 30. The older we get the "higher risk" pregnancy becomes and with my condition, it only adds to the potential upsets. I forced myself to put these things out of my mind and instead focused on making a  list that I have been considering for a while. I have officially created my "30 by 30" list. I currently have 577 days until my 30th birthday. While age is not such a major issue with me, there are many things that I'd like to do. I'm already considering things I'd like to do for my "40 by 40" list. While my goal is to accomplish each one of these things, half the fun will be the attempt.

30 By 30

1. Host a Brunch Party

2. Begin (and finish?) building our “forever” home

3. Hike to a waterfall

4. Lose 30 pounds

5. Make G a big sister

6. Take a family trip to Washington D.C.

7. Make a pair of shoes

8. Visit a lighthouse

9. Go to the South Carolina Aquarium

10. Take a family trip to the North Carolina Zoo

11. Make a pecan pie

12. Send a card to a stranger

13. Make a photo book of G’s first year

14. Take a cooking class

15. Make homemade truffles

16. Plant a tree

17. Serve at a soup kitchen

18. Make a holiday wreath

19. Teach a kids’ cooking class

20. Take a girls’ trip with my mom, daughter and sisters

21. Learn to crochet

22. Take a carriage ride

23. Make real homemade alfredo sauce

24. Make homemade ravioli

26. Pay for a stranger’s meal

27. Learn to French Braid

28. Be in a parade

29. Read 100 books with/to my daughter

30. Buy new living room furniture

Take a moment to reflect on what you'd like to accomplish whether you'll be 30 or 80. What would you put on your list?

A Bag of Fun

This weekend has sported beautiful weather! G and I have enjoyed the sunshine and cool breezes. We began our day with a trip into "the city". In both the spring and the fall, a huge kids consignment sale is held, with proceeds going in part to a local pregnancy center. I went my first year of teaching to get toys and books for my classroom. I was very successful in my finds. I went last fall and found several great deals on gender neutral items. At that point in time, we did not know what we were having. This time around, I had a blast! I got the benefit of going in before the general public because I am a first time mom. There were a small number of people and parking was a breeze. The sale began at 8am and we arrived shortly after. After about an hour and a half, I had visited most of the racks and rooms and had done a great job filling my large reusable bag with goodies. As the morning continued on, what seemed like masses began to fill the rooms. I was grateful to have the majority of my items taken care of. I met up with several of my friends and their little ones. It was such a treat to see their sweet babies.

  After standing in line for a while, my friend and I headed out to another local consignment shop that several people had recommended. I had never visited but had intentions of getting several bows for my little girl. After browsing, I only ended up with one bow...but I left with G's Halloween costume, some cute little shoes, and a couple dresses. Overall, I would consider today a success. G was in desperate need of some bigger pants. She is getting so long these days, so while the waist remains suitable, the poor child looks like she's wearing shorts. I had to add some items to her wardrobe for this fall/winter. I'd say she's good to go now.

Speaking of clothing, I've had several pins on Pinterest that I've been longing to try. I have a few skirts and dresses...and even some shoes, that I am eager to attempt. Growing up, my mom taught me to sew, but that was many years ago. Over the summer, I made G a couple dresses, but nothing major. I've now got a list of items I'd like to try over the next several months.

My hope is to accomplish at least one pin each month over the course of the next few months. Here is my "to do" list.

September: Peasant Dress
October: Watercolor Onesie
November: Modern Baby Booties
December: Zig Zag Christmas Dress

I will try to post updates as I complete each one.

Finding Fall

We've had the windows open for the last few days...the day time hours have been pleasant and the nights have been comfortably cool. Even now as I sit here typing, a gentle breeze with the essence of fall is drifting through the room. I love this time of year. The garden is producing its last offerings of the season, the warm, spice laced scents of the seasons are making their way into our house, and the apples are ripe for the picking.

One blessing of living at the foot of the Blue Ridge is that of the view. It is an amazing sight each year to see the leaves turn from their summery green to their hues of crimsons, golds, and ambers. I can't wait to take our annual drive on the parkway to view the sights. The fall brings a lot of other exciting things our way. Typically our home becomes a baking frenzy as apple pies, cobblers, sauces and breads are made. We'll see how this goes with a 4 month old in the house. G is not yet old enough to appreciate the tastes of fall...but give her time.

Another annual tradition we enjoy is a trip to a local orchard. This has become a tradition for our family and some close friends. We play in the pumpkin patch, taste their fruits of the season, and get lots of pictures to remember the day. We also over indulge in apple cider and homemade doughnuts. I can't wait! This year will mark a special time for us all. We'll both be enjoying this trip with our children. We've been blessed to have this couple in our lives for many years now and the majority of our major life events have coincided in some way. I still can't help but smile when I look back to how these friendships were formed. We thank God for what we are certain will be a life long friendship.

Tonight's 460 calorie dinner

This time of year also brings about several family reunions, cookouts, major yard sales and campfires. This weekend kicks off many of these events. Our calendar this time of year becomes full very quickly...it's as if we blink and every weekend consists of at least one type of outing.

One event that has been on the calendar for quite some time now is my upcoming Run for Mercy 5k. I had a goal of becoming better prepared for this race, considering I have not done one in about two years. Now my goal has become to simply finish. I can say that I'll be a little lighter when the race comes to pass. I've never been one to calorie count but since beginning to do this a couple weeks ago, I am now down 4 pounds. I know the weight would be coming off more quickly should I add in more exercise, but once again, I'm still working on balancing everything. I figure if I'm not up to running as much as I hoped, I'll at least not be carrying quite as many pounds.

I suppose I should take advantage of G's early bedtime tonight. There is a lot to do, and while I'd love to just sit with my feet up, I'll have a much happier weekend knowing that there are fewer things needing my attention.

What do I know of Holy?

Over the last couple of days, God has brought a lot of things back into perspective. My heart is overwhelmed by some of the events that have had an indirect impact on my life. It began with the unexpected passing of a dear friend's mother. Seeing the grief that has consumed the lives of so many just makes my heart ache. It's never easy to see the ones you love mourn.

While we pray for the healing of hearts, I am reminded of another that is lost. Today marks one month since a local teen girl has gone missing. I can't drive down the main highway without wanting to break down into tears. Pink ribbons line the road as they hang from mail boxes and on road signs. Her disappearance makes me want to cling even tighter to my own daughter. I can't imagine the uncertainty of everyday...the waiting. A recent news article quoted a relative stating that she just waits to hear her car in the drive way and her foot steps on the porch. They have not lost hope in her safe return. I can only pray for their strength and peace until their child is found.

The final thing that has challenged me in ways that I could not have expected...maybe ever, is the recent situation brought to my attention by a dear friend. The woman's name is Lindsey Dennis and her story of courage, bravery, and unshakeable faith in the Lord has broken me and challenged my faith. I long to share the level of intimacy that she has with the Lord. The scripture that tells us to "consider all things joy" has taken on a whole knew meaning. On September 1, 2013, she bore and then lost their beautiful, first born daughter. I cannot do justice to her exquisite, heart felt story, nor can I explain her heart in the beautiful manner in which she shares with her readers. Please read her story and please keep them in prayer. God has laid this family on my heart so heavily. Even now, I can't help but shed tears for their loss and yet rejoice in the truth that their precious Sophia is perfect and resting in the arms of Jesus.

As I was rocking my miracle to sleep this evening, I sat in awe of the blessing that I have been so fortunate hold in my arms for 4 months now. I remain in constant wonder of how she grows and all that she means to me. I can only imagine the amazing things that God has for her to do. As I rocked, humming a lullaby, my mind wandered back to Lindsey's most recent post in which she tells about celebrating the birthday and heavenly homecoming of her daughter. I began pouring my heart to my Savior. How can she sing and rejoice in the face of such grief and pain? I hate being away from my daughter for an hour, let alone having her leave this earth. I was reminded of Lindsey's strength and her perspective. She rejoices in the fact that her daughter is with Jesus. She rejoices in the fact that her daughter will not know pain or sin. Her perspective is "Heavenward"...not Earthbound.

I felt so very humbled. As I continued to snuggle my Snickerdoodle as she headed towards Dreamland, I asked God to help me gain this perspective. I have been completely challenged to love the Lord with such a fierce passion. The song "What Do I Know of Holy" by Addison Road came into my mind.

It made me think...what do I know of Holy? In Lindsey's posts, it is clearly evident that she continually "tastes and sees that the Lord is good." Her faith and ferocity for the Lord allows her to see God in all things...His goodness in ALL things.

I began thinking about some of the words from the song and I began reflecting on how much I could relate...

 

I guess I thought that I had figured You out
I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about
How You were mighty to save
Those were only empty words on a page
Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be
The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees

So What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
So What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

(Song lyrics...)

 

 

How often have I thought that I've got God all figured out? I know what I want and I just assume that He'll want it for me too. Truth Alert: My will only aligns with God's will for me if I seek Him in it. His plan and His timing are ALWAYS so much better.

 

I recall the Bible stories of my childhood and I can recite scriptures that have been read to me since birth. However, making them applicable to my life is something I don't take nearly enough advantage of. God's Word is filled with life lessons, simple beautiful truths, promises, and hope. It is too rare a time that I make His words what they are meant to be in my life.

 

Over the last several years, I have caught glimpses of God in the most peculiar and amazing places. Not all of the situations screamed Danger! and not all of them were found in sweet solitude. God is constantly present...He is not missing when He is silent. He is very much involved. He is very active. He is in front of, behind, and beside me all the time. What an amazing reality! God is ever present and never changing.

 

So what do I know of Holy?

 

An online dictionary site provides several synonyms: blessed, sacred, consecrated, hallowed

 

I know that my soul longs for the presence of the Lord in every aspect of my life. I know that nothing is complete without Him. The magnitude of His love is incomprehensible. I know that His will for my life is better than anything I could imagine. The journey that He has me on is only that of a traveler in a foreign land. He holds the key to the Kingdom and willingly offers it to all of those who ask. He is generous. He is kind. he is merciful. He is jealous. He is compassionate. He is slow to anger. He is gracious. He is more than words on a page. He is fire. He is fury. He is beautiful.

 

He is Holy.

 



Chasing Fireflies

When did I grow up? When did adulthood become my stage of life and not just something I was looking forward to? We want so quickly to grow up and enter the world on what we think is our terms...and now, ironically, there are so many days when I miss being a naïve five year old chasing fireflies at dusk.

Count it all joy: I breathed a sigh of relief when Friday afternoon rolled around and I knew I had a three day weekend ahead of me. I had dinner with two of my favorite girlfriends at one of our favorite pizza spots. It has been far too long since I just sat back and laughed with the girls...or any adults for that matter. I then eagerly came home to my darling husband and sweet little girl. I am so grateful for a husband who loves being an involved dad. While I'm sure he was ready to have me home after keeping G all evening, he never once complained.

Saturday rolled around and a full day came with it. It began with my hubby insisting on venturing out to some yard sales, which is honestly one of our favorite past times. We've always been suckers for antique stores, thrift shops, flea markets, etc. We rarely buy anything. It's just fun to rummage through other people's "treasures". We eventually made our way to the grocery store. I thought I'd go against my usual one stop grocery shopping rule and went to two stores instead. Needless to say, despite the "deals" I still spent over what I normally spend purchasing most of the same items. I also had trouble finding what I typically like to buy. I'll not be breaking that rule again...upon finishing our shopping, we came home, unpacked the groceries, relaxed a bit with the baby and settled in for the night.

Sunday came and I rolled out of bed much later than intended. We opted to fellowship at home and then made our way across the mountain to cook out with two of our dearest friends and their little boy. I was amazed at how much he had changed in just a month. Our love for this family only grows and we are so grateful for their friendship. We came home, got G ready for bed and then hit the sheets a little early ourselves.

While our weekend has been filled with wonderful things, a dark cloud made its way into our lives today. We got a text this morning saying that our close friend's mother had gone into cardiac arrest last night and was now at the hospital...and the prognosis did not look good. We immediately started getting ready, and once G was fed, we made our way to the hospital. It was the same hospital, that only a few months ago, had joined with us in welcoming our baby girl into the world. As we rode the elevator to the MICU, we were anxious about what awaited us. We desperately longed to bring comfort to our friends and their families. Upon arriving, we were met by another friend and was taken back to the room where the family had gathered. It was there that we learned she was on life support and a decision had to made about her future care. While G brought smiles to weary, tear stained faces, our hearts broke at the sight and sound of our friend making calls to loved ones about the condition of his mom.

We stayed for a while and once the decision about his mother's future care was made, we departed with a few last hugs and words of farewell. As we walked out of the hospital, I could not help but think of how odd it all seemed...to walk out knowing that in just a short while tubes would be removed and machines would be turned off, while at the same time, just a wing or so over, new little lives were entering the world. Little fingers and toes were being counted and families were being made whole...all the while this family would be facing a void that no one could have expected. We ask, on the families behalf that prayers be lifted. May our friends and their families receive and accept the comfort and peace that only God can give.

I miss the days of chasing fireflies...

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted;
  he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.

The righteous person faces many troubles,
  but the LORD comes to the rescue each time.

 

Psalm 34:18-19