After last night's post, I had the blessing of touching base with one of my dearest friends. It feels so good to be transparent with someone you've shared so much with and know your heart is safe.
I used to journal all of the time. It began in middle school and continued well after college. Once I married however, the journaling became very infrequent. While rummaging through a drawer, I found a letter that I had written at some point and tucked away. It was painful to revisit the words and yet they delivered a sense of restoration as I reflected on all that God had done since the writing of those words.
Dear God,
This ache in my heart will not recede. I'm always weepy, sad, and I walk around in such a state of instability. I keep praying for Your will. I just don't understand how my heart and soul could contain such a desire only to have it return void over and over again.
The reminders are everywhere. I've never known such continuous bitterness and heartache. I want to live a life worthy of your calling. I know this is not the case. How can it be with such a heavy heart? I can't explain the ache and although You are slowly revealing my feelings to me, I can't shake the pain. There is such beauty in Your perfection. I can't fathom the full extent of Your goodness.
Please forgive me for allowing my emotions to cloud my view of who You are. Forgive me for the resentment and bitterness I've been holding on to. I'm still unsure how to let go but I know it's necessary. Please help me to reconnect with You, my husband, my friends and myself. Please ease the ache until our time...
...
While this is far from my 7th grade "Dear Diary", I can't help but reconnect with that season of my life. I vividly remember the days of ache and what I can see now as nothing less than borderline depression. I was so sad. My joy was suppressed so far that I'm certain God's light was rarely seen in me. I remember how I struggled to get myself out of bed to go to church. My Sunday School class (that I still hold so dear to my heart) was filled with precious pregnant women...most of which also already had at least one child. Our class discussions always seemed to eventually center around pregnancy and/or babies. I dreaded going. I hated the thought of sitting there and then I would get so mad at myself for allowing my emotions to over rule my fellowship and worship with my God and fellow brothers and sisters in Christ. While I occasionally find myself creeping into some of the dark crevasses of those days, I know that my God is bigger than anything that I have or ever will face.
I am thankful for brighter days. I remember the day when I came to the realization that I can't fix everything and that I can't do this all on my own. I sought professional help and I have come so far. Few people know the depth of my sadness...most only know the surface. I can't thank God enough for my husband and the unconditional love and support that he provided during that time. I remain grateful for my friends that while they may not have fully understood my trials, they prayed with and for me, sent me encouragement along the way, and walked through the shadows with me.
"With joy you will draw water form the wells of salvation." Isaiah 12:3
Just for Fun
On a lighter note, tomorrow is our "food day" at school. Every Tuesday we have grade level meetings and to liven things up, we each bring a little something. I have been dying to try one of my new Pinterest finds: Red Velvet Brownies. The only addition I made to the recipe was to throw in a 1/2c of chocolate chips. They are still cooling so I have yet to sample...I'll keep you posted on how they turn out. If they taste half as good as they look...yum!
(a pic from the original post...mine will be cut into squares and minus the strawberries)
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