Learning to Lean-Mid Year Update

At the beginning of the year, I felt led to live the word "Lean" throughout the following months. It has been hard.

I've tried to embrace the scripture when difficulties arise, when the darkness seems to swallow the light...I've had a lot of anxiety lately. It's the kind that keeps your mind spinning at night. Worst case scenarios pop into your head and you cannot close your eyes because you know you'll see your deepest fears played out. What is harder still is talking to others about it. Maybe I am not as strong as everyone thinks I am.

I have grappled with grief in unexpected moments. It seems to hit the hardest when I realize how happy I am. It sounds strange but it seems like that is how survivor guilt works.

I've wrestled with anxiety and lost countless hours of sleep. I have allowed thoughts to bring on near panic attacks. I have physically felt the strain that my emotions have put on my body.

During some recent quiet reflection, I just kept saying, "enough is enough. I cannot keep living life like this." At that moment I realized what I had been neglecting to do. I had forgotten to lean. If you go back to the action words I just mentioned...

spinning

grappled

wrestled

lost

Do you see "lean" on that list? Me neither.

I am not meant to carry the weight of these burdens. I am not meant to live a fear filled, anxiety ridden life.

In fact, scripture clearly states the opposite:

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I have come that they may have life, and have it in all its fullness. John 10:10

We are designed and intended to live a full and abundantly blessed life.

Satan does not call me by name. He calls me by my insecurities. He calls me by my fears and anxieties. He calls me by all the things that I cannot control. When I stop and just listen...be still and sincerely listen, I hear my name. I hear Beloved. I hear "you are Mine." (Isaiah 43:1)

When I am not leaning on God and only rely on my [in]ability to understand the emotions within me and the world around me, I find myself on an overwhelming obstacle course. However, when I lean on Christ, my path is made straight. I may not know why or where I am going, but I can rest assured He has laid the road before me.

I will continue to learn what it means to lean into my Savior. I will call His name to bring forth light in the darkness. I will declare His name to the enemy that aims to riddle my thoughts with fears and shortcomings. I will continue on.

I want to leave you with this song by Hillsong United that has left an impression on my heart. Let the words seep in and wash away the lies you have been believing. He has carried you all this way. Lean into His embrace.

Fate
Holds nothing on the providence I know
No longer bound to things of wood and stone
When all I had to offer was my worst
You saw my heavy heart and loved me first
Your beauty staring down my brokenness
You chose to throw Your heart into the mess
Compassion crashing down upon my debt You were there

All this time
Like a river running through my failure
You carried me all this time
Like the splinters buried in
Your shoulders You carry me now