All that I am...

Mommy meltdown. I was rocking G today and it hit me. Monday begins a whole lot of firsts that I don't feel ready for. It will be her first day at the sitter and my first day back at work since I left on maternity leave at the end of April. I can't imagine not being there to calm her when she cries, to rock her to sleep, to see her smile when she wakes up and recognizes my face...all of these thoughts brought me to tears. How many times has she been crying in the arms of someone else and as soon as I hold her in mine she stops? It's what I do. I'm "mommy". I know moms all over the world go through this, and many much sooner than I, but I can't help but feel so unprepared for this! I got myself together and enjoyed some time just rocking my miracle as she slept so soundly. I did really well until I began packing her things for the sitter. I'll be dropping her stuff off tomorrow so that it will be a smoother drop off for G on Monday. As I folded her little clothes and dropped in a couple blankets and bibs, I got all teary again. I know I am not being called to be a stay at home mom. I am called to teach. God has placed me in the public school system to touch lives in a special way...and I look forward to this. However, a large part of me is having a very difficult time letting go of the "normal" I've had over the last 3.5 months. I am okay with going back to work...which in turn does make me feel a bit guilty, and I do feel heartbroken about all of the time I will have to spend there. Once again however, I know this is what God is calling me to.

All of this got me to thinking about all that I am. I have taken on new roles and phased out of others. When I think about how sad I am to be leaving my little girl, I have to remember that God has provided a safe place for her and that He has called me to be more than only a mother.

I am...
A mother
A wife
A daughter
A sister
A friend
An accountability partner
A teacher
A co-worker
A team member
A child of God...and the list goes on.

Just these titles alone show me that I am so much to so many and God has given me the opportunity to impact lives in very special ways in very specific areas. In my home I have the opportunity to show my daughter how to love God and how to live out the life that God calls us to lead. As a wife I am able to offer companionship and love in a way that no one else can to my husband. As I branch out, I know that as a daughter, I can now be a friend with my mother and have a relationship with her that many miss out on in this day and age. To my sisters I can be an example and an encouragement. We may not always like each other but our love and loyalty for one another is fierce.

Stepping out a little further, I am a friend. I have acquaintances, good friends, and of course, the time tried best of friendships. To all of these I try to offer myself as a confidant. We weather the seasons of life together. As an accountability partner I not only have to ensure that I am doing what I set out to do, but remain open and honest with my partner.

As a teacher I have the blessed responsibility to not only expand the minds of my students through academics, but through moral facets as well. I have the chance to change the future, one precious little life at a time. Many come to my class with broken homes and broken hearts. They are too young to know how to cope with what is going on in their worlds and I have the honor of being a safe place for them to land. As a co-worker, I remain flexible and open to new opportunities. Within my first grade team, I am a full on team player. We work together to ensure the best experience for our students.

Most importantly, I am a child of God. I have a Father whose love is so deep and so wide...His mercy and grace are in abundance...His promise for my future is unwavering. Because I am His, I can go forth and be sure of who I am in all that I am.

As the days pass on and our new "normal" develops, I will cling to my God for comfort, wisdom, and endurance. A dear friend shared a post from A Holy Experience that likened our life in Christ to the experience of becoming a mother. The author said that "a mother's labor and delivery never ends, and you never stop having to remember to breathe." Her blog post could not have been passed my way at a better time. She reminds us that breathing is essential and even the most silent of prayers are heard.

Breathe in: Lord I receive what You give.
Breathe out: Lord I give thanks for what you give.

In and out. In and out. All day long. In and out.

She also reminded me that delivery does not stop just because my daughter has entered the world. I must offer her, deliver her, daily into God's hands. And just because I no longer have to push while the nurse counts to ten does not mean the pushing ends. There will be so many moments that I have to push through. I can't give up just because things get hard. I pray God will continue to show me His grace as I learn and re-learn life lessons and remain vulnerable as new situations arise.

In and out. All day long. In and out.

"Now you are no longer a slave but God's own child. And since you are His child, God has made you His heir." Galatians 4:7

 



"And may you have the power to understand, as all God's people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is." Ephesians 3:18

Summer Adieu

This past week was wonderful! On Tuesday, we drove to Georgia to surprise my mom with a visit. She has not seen G since she was born over three months ago. It was a wonderful surprise and I am so grateful that the Lord blessed us with the time and resources to go. She had no clue and her reaction was priceless. We then spent the next several days spending time with her, my youngest sister and several friends.

On Thursday we were able to visit Zoo Atlanta and the Georgia Aquarium. Both places were wonderful and G was a trooper. The sweetest moment of the day was at the aquarium. We had gone through a couple of exhibits with brightly colored fish and beautiful settings. However, it was not until we got to the beluga whale exhibit that we saw a reaction from our precious 3 month old. She watched the whales in wonder, smiled, and kicked her feet with excitement. We loved watching her watch the whales. We of course had to get her a beluga whale from the gift shop to commemorate the moment.

On Friday night, my mom surprised us with a visit to the clock tower that over looks the city. This was particularly special because this was the location that my husband and I were engaged. He asked me to marry him 6 years ago this past May. It was so sweet to go back to the spot where a new chapter of our lives began. We also got to take a private tour of the clock tower and climb to the top. The view was beautiful.

We took Saturday to spend some time with my youngest sister and two of our dear friends. We went to Six Flags and had a ball. This was the first time in 3 months that I have left G with someone for more than a couple of hours. I missed her all day! I can't imagine what going back to work is going to be like...and I try not to think about it. We enjoyed the rides...and before lunch, we were able to ride a few without waiting forever in line. After lunch was another story. We waited in line for 3 hours to ride the Superman! While it is an awesome ride, our frustration grew with every person that bypassed us in the line. The park now has an extra option called the Flash Pass. This pass, which has 3 different levels depending on how much you want to spend, allows you to bypass the lines for most of the rides in the park. I can't tell you how irritating it was to stand in line for hours in the heat and humidity, only to reach the ride and once again have people go ahead of you because they were able to pay for an additional convenience. It definitely took some of the fun away. Overall however, we had a great day and enjoyed our time together.

Sunday was a lazy day just enjoying time with one another.

It was very difficult leaving this morning. My mom is truly one of my best friends and it is never easy to leave her so far away. I hate that she has to watch G grow up in pictures. Our hope is that she will eventually be able to make the move here in the near future.

As we get settled back in here at home, I know I have to get back on track. While I didn't completely bomb my eating habits, I did not make the best choices and exercise was not my focus. I have a lot of work to do and have to get back at it. I have been re-reading a book that I got when I was first diagnosed with PCOS. I was losing weight the healthy way last time I set a goal and I plan to do it again. The book provides information and basic strategies/recommended foods for people with PCOS. My goal is to get back to exercise and eating the way I should. While I work on this, I also have to prepare myself for returning to work. It is hard to believe that one week from today I'll be back at work. Time has flown! I can't fathom leaving G everyday but I know this is what I am called to do and what I must do for our family. She will be in good hands...so while I will miss her like crazy, I will not have to worry.

Well, my hubby has the baby in bed and I need to get some much needed sleep after today's travels. God is good and I look forward to what He has next for our family.

Just for Fun

This is the clock tower where my husband proposed.

 

G and her daddy taking in the view from the top.

Making adjustments...

First off, huge congrats to the Duke and Duchess on their bouncing baby boy! My mom has forever been captivated by this particular royal family and she was thrilled over the marriage of William and Kate. I can just see her clapping her hands and smiling ear to ear over the birth announcement :) I am eagerly awaiting the baby's name...

Well, today was weigh-in. I'm up a bit, which is not the way I want the scale to go. It's no surprise even though I gave up sweets all of this week. With a strong willed baby and a sick husband, it was hard to fit in any exercise. I think I only got in 40 intentional minutes. Today has been filled with time consuming tasks as I try to get a bunch of things in order.

I had a doctor's appointment today as a follow up on my blood pressure. During my pregnancy I began having issues with high blood pressure. I am currently diagnosed with pregnancy induced hypertension. It may go away but regardless, I am extremely susceptible to high blood pressure in future pregnancies and I am at a higher risk for high blood pressure later in life. All of this is a bit tough to swallow considering I had no issues prior to pregnancy. My doctor wants me to continue my medication, track my BP twice a day for the next week and make a follow up appointment. At that time the next course of action will be determined.

I'm frustrated with my lack of weight loss this week, but I can't let it get me down. I have been rethinking my game plan. After not having done any true exercise for almost 11 months, I am far from the shape I was in. I have decided to back off a bit and take smaller steps. I am going to do a month of strictly walking just to get myself back into exercise. From there I will build upon my exercise activity by completing a 5k training plan. I just took on too much too soon and I do not have the stamina at this point to push myself. As life continues to normalize and I build upon my physical health, things will pick up and I'll feel confident in my ability to once again complete a 5k.

As mentioned in my last post, we have a little special something coming up (and no it has nothing to do with another baby). I'll be able to post more about it over the next couple of days...however, as I am preparing, I cannot find one of my tank tops! While this is a very small world problem, I really love it and had hoped to wear it this week...::sigh:: I suppose it's hanging out with the missing socks that have lost way in the washer.

I'm looking forward to so many things this week...bring it on!

Before

Mercy me! What a week. So far this week I've dealt with a strong willed infant, a sick dog, a sick husband, a semi-flooded basement, and little productivity.  I never want to sound like I'm complaining because it could always be worse and I am so truly blessed...I am just stating the facts. I'm wiped out.

As I sit rocking my wailing 3 month old I try to remember what life was like "before". There are times I miss being able to just pick up and go. I could sit through an entire movie. I could eat a complete meal uninterrupted. I could sleep in. However, I also had a huge hole in my heart. I faced a bitter sadness and longing almost everyday. I didn't know how love could run so strong and so deep. So as I sit rocking my wailing 3 month old I remember those days and have no desire to return to how things before. These moments are temporary and the sweet memories are priceless.

We have a special end of the summer trip coming up. I can't wait to share details at a later date.

While I try to prepare for our trip, (and mentally prepare to go back to work in 2 weeks) I can't help but look back at the past 3 months. Our little girl will be 3 months old tomorrow and I can't believe how fast the time has gone! She has hit so many milestones and has changed in so many bittersweet ways. She has become my life. I think about how much I love her and to think that God loves us even more than that is almost inconceivable. I would give my life for her, but to think about giving her life for the sake of someone else? Unfathomable. The willingness of God to give His only son for me just proves how amazingly vast His love is.

I also look at the challenges I've overcome and I am acutely aware of other challenges I continue to face. Only God can do the moving I need. Only He knows my heart completely...

Well, it looks like the remainder of my day will consist of loving on my sweet girl, tending to my sickly husband and beginning to prepare the house and our things for our upcoming trip. Remember, as I must, try and find joy in all things.

 

"Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance.And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." James 1:2-4

Just for Fun
Over the last 3 months my daughter has changed preference of pacifiers three times. Lets hope this isn't a personality precursor...

Peaches and Prayer

What a beautifully hot and humid day...sense the sarcasm? Even so, we did not let it keep us indoors. G and I headed to a local farmers market this morning. It was nice to be out, leisurely strolling among the flowers, peaches and fresh veggies. I just love buying local when I can. This particular market has delicious homemade ice cream. Of course, I would choose the hottest week of the summer so far to opt out of sweets. The many flavors of ice cream seemed to taunt me as I strolled by. However, I can proudly say that I rebuked their calls and left the market without even sampling. This market also has delightful mini pies...of which I also avoided. Instead, I opted for some fresh fruit. I left the market with some beautiful flowers and gorgeous sweet corn. By the end of my excursion this morning, I was pleased to see some pretty peaches, succulent strawberries and some juicy watermelon in my vehicle. Who needs ice cream? (deep down this girl haha...just not this week)

As I've mentioned in previous posts, I've been working on two main things: my prayer life and getting healthy post-baby. So far, I've been doing well to get in my 5k training. I'm down about 3 pounds from last week, which is very encouraging. I'm determined thus far and am trying my best to reach my goal of 150 minutes of exercise each week. I've become addicted to Food Network, which has not been the case for a few years now. It used to be about the only channel I watched when I would watch television...but over the last few days, I've been tuning into such shows as The Pioneer Woman, Barefoot Contessa and Chopped. My inspiration to cook continues. I've always loved to cook and bake, but with a new baby it is quite difficult, and honestly, during my pregnancy, I just did not have the energy. When my husband is home, I try to take full advantage and cook from scratch...which is my favorite way to cook. I'm all about some semi-homemade, but every now and then a made from scratch, comfort food meal is necessary.


When it comes to my prayer life, I am discovering that the same attitudes that I have to have towards getting healthy are the same attitudes I need to have towards prayer...and this week's devotions have really helped to drive that point home. The two attitudes that I have been trying to maintain in both areas this week as I exercise and pray are boldness and persistence.

I need to be BOLD: I have set a bold, personal goal of 150 minutes of exercise each week. For some this may be a drop in the bucket, but for me and all that I am juggling, it proves to be challenging. I must be bold in my endeavors. Matthew 7:7-8 instructs us to ask, seek, and knock. As I go through my exercise each day, I ask God to give me the endurance. I seek His will to treat my body as His holy temple and I continue to "knock" on His door in need of encouragement to continue on. All of these things He gives as I continue to come to Him. This same boldness can be and should be applied to my prayer life. I am God's child. I rarely hesitate to ask my mom for help, prayer, advice, etc. It should be no different with God. If anything, He should be the first One I go to. ASK. SEEK. KNOCK.


Today's devotion focused on PERSISTENCE. Anyone who knows me, knows I hate to run or even jog for that matter. However, jogging is part of my 5k training. I have to be persistent. I can't give up when my calves are burning and my body says "no more". It is important to continue to push myself. Today's scripture was Luke 18:1-7. This scripture focuses on a parable told by Jesus. He told the story of a woman who continually went to a judge for justice. Her persistence resulted in the justice that the woman felt was deserved. God does not mind our continual calls upon Him...even if it is for the same thing, over and over again. We are not always aware of God's answers to our prayers unless they are a clear "yes". The "permanent no", "maybe" or "later" are always harder to recognize. My  mom once told me the story of a woman we went to church with when I was little. Her husband was not a Christian and thus, he was not saved. She prayed to God everyday for 40 years for his salvation. Her prayer was finally answered and her husband came to know Christ. I also think of all of my friends, and our family included, who long awaited or are still waiting for God to bless their homes with children. From personal experience, the wait is painful and none of the reasons for why there is no child help ease the hurt...especially when it seems so easy for some, when there are so many unwanted children/pregnancies, and countless teenage pregnancies. When your home is filled with the love of God and you are able to offer what God requires in your marriage, it is so disheartening when your arms remain empty.

However, persistent prayer, even when it hurts, is essential. We prayed continually for God to fill our home with children as He saw fit. We did not know how He would answer this prayer until August of last year. I am now blessed to say that we have a beautiful little girl. I can also think of many close friends and family members with similar stories. God's goodness is there for all of us who  know Him...we may just have to be persistent in our asking and in His time, His answer will be revealed.

"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.  For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened." Matthew 7:7-8

 

Just for Fun

I love to share my love of reading with my daughter. These were a few books we picked up this weekend to add to her collection.

 

 

Cat naps and a pooch

This past week has been a lot of work. G is finally on a wonderful eating schedule and is sleeping through the night (9p-5a most nights). However, her napping schedule through the day is very inconsistent and I need to get something established before she begins going to the sitter at the beginning of August. Currently, she is up around 5a and then will nap around 6:30-7. That's about the only guarantee. She only sleeps for 20-40 minutes at a time...I miss the days when she was sleeping for 2 or 3 hours haha. I accomplished so much more those days. Her little cat naps make things a little more difficult then they once were. I must say, though, I do LOVE the time I get to spend with her. She is laughing and "talking" and is so much fun to play with. I can't believe how much she has grown and all of the mile stones she is hitting. Her head control is strengthening and she is drooling like crazy! I can't believe she will be 3 months old on Friday! Where does the time go?!

I've also been working on my 5k training. It is definitely harder this time around. I don't feel like I've made much progress at all this week other than I'm working to reach my goal of workout minutes (which I've bumped up to 150/week). I'm really close and will have reached them by my weigh-in on Monday. I'm not too optimistic about the weight loss, simply because my eating this week has bombed. I've set a new challenge for myself for next week. Next week will be a "No Sweets Week". I've never done this and I'm sure my sweet tooth will go into overdrive but I'm determined to do it. I found a little loop hole...I LOVE ice cream and it is definitely one of my weaknesses. I found a recipe on Pinterest that will hopefully curve the cravings. You use nothing but frozen banana slices and a food processor. I added peanut butter. You simply use the food processor to get the consistency of soft serve. By freezing it, you get a nice soft serve, ice cream type dessert. It's very tasty. I want to make some with strawberries added.

During one of G's cat naps I happened to walk by the mirror today and stop...which I try not to do these days...and was quickly reminded that my body is not the way I left it prior to pregnancy. I have this pooch that is so misplaced in comparison to where I used to carry my weight. It has to go!!! I want to fit into my clothes like I used to...or even better :)

Well...baby girl is hitting her fussy hour. Time to get in some play time before bath and bed.

Just for Fun
Aren't these the cutest 3 month old toes you've ever seen!!!

Going for the goal

It has become evident that I have a few challenges that I need to begin preparing myself for. The first occurred to me as I walked into my classroom for the first time this summer...it is a mess! I was so blessed to have had my little girl in the Spring and to be allowed so  much time with her. The downside about not ending the school year is that I was unable to pack up my room. I have A LOT of organizing to do and since there have been groups in my room over the summer, I also have some additional cleaning to do. My goal is to have my room done in the next couple of weeks so that I can solely focus on lesson plans. I do not want to have to stay any later in the evenings than necessary. I don't want lesson plans/preparation to be the reason I have to stay after. I want to leave at 4p, pick up my little girl from the sitter, and spend the evening with her and my husband. We'll see how this goes.

My next challenge is to mentally prepare myself for leaving my daughter in about 4 weeks. I have been so blessed to have spent all the time that I have with her. I have soaked in every day and I can't imagine not being with her all day long. I know I can do it and I know it will be fine...it just makes my heart sad when it crosses my mind. We're blessed to have such a wonderful sitter and I know she will be loved and well cared for.

On the flip side of that, I am looking forward to going back. There have been many comments made about mothers returning to work. For most of us it is a necessity. I have been blessed to secure a job that I love and feel called to do. Because of this, I am glad to return and continue the work that God has chosen for me. It's a major mix of emotions. I DO NOT want to leave my daughter but I do want to do what I feel God calling me to do. I feel confident in my decision to work outside of the home, not just because financially it is a must, but because God has opened the door for our daughter to be in wonderful hands. I do not feel like I would be as comfortable returning to work if it weren't for our amazing sitter. God has covered all the bases and it is my job to move forward in faith.

The last major challenge that I have before me right now is training for my upcoming 5k. It will be my first trail run. While I have completed 5ks in the past, training for this one is proving to be a lot more difficult. My training will help however, in losing the weight that I need to lose and improve my overall health. The race I will be completing is the Run 4 Mercy 5k. The proceeds go to benefit a very special ministry that tends to the physical, emotional, and spiritual needs of young women who are dealing with a variety of life altering situations (i.e. abuse, eating disorders, human trafficking, etc.). It is an honor to be able to run for such an important cause.

I wanted to share a few verses that Mercy Ministries has designated for the race that also serve for both the 5k and our everyday living...

"I run in the path of your commands, for you have broadened my understanding. Teach me, Lord, the way of your decrees, that I may follow it to the end." Ps. 119:32-33

"...but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles;
    they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Is. 40:31


"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us..." Hebrews 12:1

I'm also working on mini-goals and will hopefully post them soon!