It's Like Ripping off a Band-Aid

We survived. I was really expecting this morning to be far worse than what it was. I've been praying for a smooth transition, and thankfully, with the prayers of others, today was a success. I can't say it was easy to drop G off with her sitter and like ripping off a Band-Aid, I dropped her off and headed to work. I was terribly sad at the thought of  not seeing her for 8 hours but not once did I actually worry about her. I know she is in excellent hands.

I made it to work in a very timely fashion. If we can maintain this schedule we'll be set. Granted, I know that with infants things change constantly. I entered into my classroom with a lot of optimism. I have a very agreeable number of students and some wonderful personalities if they are anything like they were last year.

I still have A LOT of work ahead of me. I've dusted just about everything. I'm working on organizing my classroom. Having left on maternity leave 6 weeks prior to the end of the year, I was not present to clean and organize my classroom. Needless to say, I had more than average to do in my room. I've also done a lot of restructuring as far as my Word Study and reading groups go. I feel very confident in my game plan...only time will tell.

Open House will take place later this week. I am eager to meet my new darlings. It's always fun to see them react to their new room. First grade is such an interesting grade to teach. I am required to prepare kindergarten babies for 2nd grade. That is a HUGE transition! It is also A LOT of work. Sometimes I think it's almost harder for the parents to adjust than it is the kids. Homework becomes more challenging, as does the content and class work. I feel a huge responsibility to not just help them succeed in their academics, but also as future contributors to society. Even at this age, so many children these days have skewed moral compasses. For 10 months I have these children in my care for about 8 hours a day. For most of my students, I spend more time with them than their parents. I can't help but feel responsible for assisting in building good character into these children.

I can't say enough great things about my job. I work for an amazing principal and along side a fabulous faculty. God has blessed me with the ideal workplace doing something I truly love. I hope to post some pictures of my completed classroom in the near future.

Well, I suppose I should call it a night. My baby is sound asleep and I was able to enjoy a few perfectly ripened strawberries as an after dinner nibble. Not a bad way to end this day.

T'was the Night Before...

I'm trying to savor every second of this last night before returning to work. I would not be blogging at this moment if it weren't for the fact that both my husband and daughter are napping. I've got laundry in the washer and bags packed for tomorrow. I can't believe how quickly time has gone. Tomorrow will be G's first day at her new sitter's house. I know she'll be fine...it's me we'll have to worry about. I've been so blessed to have been able to spend the last 3 1/2 months at home.

I'm trying to prepare little things ahead of time in order to make this week's transition a little easier. I've already dropped off all of G's things with the exception of her bottles. I've got my school bags packed and need to just pack my lunch for tomorrow. I've got my menu ready to go and I'm going through things that I can go ahead and prepare to make meal time preparation take less time. I've got G's clothes laid out and I'll soon have my stuff all in order. The first day of school isn't just for kids :)

I have to give a huge shout out to my hubby. He has recognized just how hard it is going to be for me to go back to work. He has gone out of his way since we got home from church today to do things around the house so that I can spend extra time with G. He is such a blessing.

Although I'm super excited about this next school year, I also feel a bit anxious about all of the transitions. Today in Sunday School, we were reminded to "shape our worries into prayers" and let God do His work. Not an easy thing to do for this Type A girl. I love a sense of control and I'm in the midst of so many changes that I have little to no control over. Yay for life lessons!

I ran across an excellent devo this afternoon and it was as if it was written for me...it may help you as well. It speaks to how change is necessary for growth. I must accept that this is one of those periods of growth and that God blesses those who follow no matter how uncomfortable the changes are.

(source)

Just for Fun
A friend of mine sent me this a while back...I can't help but smile :)



I am Woman

So after yesterday's mini meltdown I'm back to "normal" today. It's so nice having my husband home. I never get enough of our family time.

Today was pretty uneventful, which I am completely okay with. C got home and played with G while I took an uninterrupted shower. We then got ready and headed out to town. Our trips to town are rarely ever short. We live in the middle of no where and thus, we make our outings multipurpose. We began by visiting some friends who recently had a baby. Although the baby was still in the hospital, we were able to spend some much needed time with them. Their son was born premature and has been in the hospital since the 25th. (I did get word tonight that he was finally released to go home!!! Super exciting!!!) We caught up on her unexpected delivery and played a bit with their older son. He and my hubby always have a good time. It was so good to see them and get in some much needed quality time.

We then headed to lunch and C patiently waited with the baby while I got a much needed haircut. It made me feel "human" again. I have rarely taken time to do things for myself since she was born, not that I'm complaining, it just doesn't happen with an infant, and I could not believe how good it felt to get a simple hairstyle change. We then headed out and bought groceries. This was no small undertaking before baby, and it is no less of one now. Since college, I make a menu. While in college I planned 2 weeks at a time. Since being married, I've bumped it up to an entire month. Needless to say, our shopping cart is nothing short of overflowing. I'm certain the cashiers hate to see me coming.

Over the years I've been amazed at how much money doing my shopping this way can save. I am not a coupon clipper and unless I can download it to my Kroger card, I probably won't remember to use the coupons that I do manage to clip. I am not against couponing, I just don't ever seem to have the time. I'm a one stop shopper and I've shopped other places, including Walmart, and I'm just rarely ever as pleased with the selection and quality. Plus, I tend to save more using my discount card. Another perk is that I get money off of my gas afterwards.

I've had some interesting experiences while doing my monthly shopping trip...primarily comments that people make regarding my shopping cart. Comments typically stem from the amount of money I must be spending, to who really needs that much food, etc. People tend to eat their words when I inform them that what is in my cart supplies my family with 3 meals a day for an entire month. I only replace perishables. I work hard to make this work continually for my family and I am so blessed and so grateful to be able to do so.

We survived our shopping trip and came home to unload. G tends to become super fussy around 7p every night. I believe this is in part to the fact that she does not sleep much at all during the day. C and I took turns trying to console her. C finally decided to change environments. Our little girl seems to have our love for the outdoors. He took her outside to sit at the picnic table. I joined them shortly after. It was such a sweet time. There were dark rain clouds just rolling over the mountains and the wind made everything so perfectly cool. G was mesmerized by the rustling leaves, birds flying, and the occasional passing car. She was so content. We just sat in awe of our little wonder. Her beautiful blue eyes were trying so hard to take in everything. She would smile and coo and it was all we could do to not ruin the moment by holding her close and obscuring her view.

As I sat there watching her, I realized just how at peace I felt in that moment. I have not felt that in a while. The world was quiet, we were still, and the beauty of God's creation seemed to be made just for us in that moment. I can't remember the last time I was so at rest in mind, body, and spirit. I miss being that woman. The kind of woman whose heart and mind are at peace with change and her gentle spirit calms those around her. I feel like for the longest time I have been running a thousand miles an hour without taking a break to savor God's goodness. Outside of my daughter, there has been very little that I've taken the time to truly enjoy. I'm constantly planning and looking forward to the next thing. I anxiously await changes that may or may not happen which quickly takes away joy from the present.

I've been reflecting on a few verses from Proverbs 31. I used to be more like that woman. I used to be more gentle and at peace. I've let the world dictate my thoughts and this of course leads to worry and anxiety. As I try to regain control through prayer and the support of others, I know that God is doing a good work in me. He has not given up on me. He has remained faithful even when I have not. Thank goodness for His mercy and grace.

Proverbs 31: 11-12, 25-26

Her husband can trust her, and she will greatly enrich his life. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life...She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future. When she speaks, her words are wise, and she gives instructions with kindness.

Running out of Kleenex

I have been an emotional mess today! I'm not sure what's going on but I'm okay with it stopping any time...I've dedicated today as a "Mommy and Me" day with G. I've only done household things while she's napping and enjoying every moment with her while she is awake. I've just become overwhelmed with the amount of love I have for her. As I was scanning Facebook and surfing for some recipes for this month's menu, I ran across a young couple who recently lost their little girl. She was under two years old. I don't know the circumstances but the mother's posts just tore at my heart. I've been crying ever since. I just look at G as she lay sleeping and it's all I can do not to wake her up. I can't imagine my life without her.

This got me thinking about all of those little ones who have gone before us. I've heard many parents say that a child should never leave this earth before his or her parents. When I was younger I never really thought too much about it. I was okay with knowing that I knew Jesus and that my parents, should something ever happen to me, would be "sad" but knew I was with the Lord. As I look at my little girl I now know that "sad" would never be an appropriate adjective for such a loss. I've lost friends and family members and I've come to terms with the losses. However, I just don't know how I could ever do the same with my child. I know all of this is so morbid but I'm afraid if I don't get my feelings down and out then I'll be a basket case all day.

I think about how God gave His only son to save us from an eternity in Hell. What kind of love that must be! I know I've written about this topic in the past but it still amazes me with a fresh appreciation every time it comes to mind. God has everything and yet He still wants me. He gave His perfect son to die a horrible death so that me, an unworthy sinner, would someday come to know Him. I just can't wrap my brain around it logically and yet in my heart I am so thankful...so grateful...and so in awe of God's goodness.

For those who don't know, G is quite the little miracle for my husband and I. When I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome in December of 2011, after many months of trying to get pregnant, I was not sure what that would mean for us. After blood work, several medications and countless ovulation and pregnancy tests, my doctor decided there was nothing else she could do and wanted to refer us to a fertility specialist. She could offer no reassurance about our ability to get pregnant, even with the help of a specialist. Through the years of preparing our hearts and our home for a child, I prayed many tearful prayers and I wanted to believe that God would fill our home with the laughter of a little one. We opted out of seeing a fertility specialist, but did decide to go to a doctor who specialized in my diagnosis. In the couple of months prior to my first visit, we changed our prayers from pregnancy to being open to however God saw fit to bring a child into our lives. Right before my first appointment with the new doctor, I became pregnant. It was our long awaited miracle.

Throughout our journey, we had so many people who would try to encourage us in their own way...mostly with "it will happen in God's time", "just stop trying and it will happen", "stop thinking about it and you'll get pregnant"...well, for those who have never had this type of experience, while those statements seem like they would offer comfort, in reality they only added salt to the wound. I was praying and it seemed like those prayers were just bouncing off the ceiling. I knew that if it was God's will for us it would happen, but that did not ease the pain. It was not a matter of "trying or not trying" or "thinking about it"...you can't just turn those things off. You don't just wake up one day and say, "Oh, I'm going to no longer think about wanting a baby." The end. It does not work like that. The heart wants what the heart wants.

Another issue we ran into was when people would question why didn't have kids yet or when we planned on starting a family. I know my emotions were raw but it was like nails on a chalkboard whenever someone would ask those questions. Another phrase that killed was "we're pregnant, and we weren't even trying!" Ouch. Our experiences prior to our pregnancy have made us very aware of how we approach others and it has heightened our sensitivity when asking people those types of questions. Honestly, for the most part, we simply don't ask. If they want to bring it up then we are all ears.

I don't apologize for my rant but I do thank you for bearing with me. It has just been one of those days and with my husband working yet another 72 hour shift, I'm in need of some chocolate and a good movie...all while rocking my angel. Maybe it's the dread of leaving her to go back to work in a couple of days...maybe it's hormones...whatever it is, I am grateful for a God who holds tomorrow and offers His love, peace, and comfort like no one else can.

Just for Fun
Our piece of Heaven













G with her Granna July 2013

All that I am...

Mommy meltdown. I was rocking G today and it hit me. Monday begins a whole lot of firsts that I don't feel ready for. It will be her first day at the sitter and my first day back at work since I left on maternity leave at the end of April. I can't imagine not being there to calm her when she cries, to rock her to sleep, to see her smile when she wakes up and recognizes my face...all of these thoughts brought me to tears. How many times has she been crying in the arms of someone else and as soon as I hold her in mine she stops? It's what I do. I'm "mommy". I know moms all over the world go through this, and many much sooner than I, but I can't help but feel so unprepared for this! I got myself together and enjoyed some time just rocking my miracle as she slept so soundly. I did really well until I began packing her things for the sitter. I'll be dropping her stuff off tomorrow so that it will be a smoother drop off for G on Monday. As I folded her little clothes and dropped in a couple blankets and bibs, I got all teary again. I know I am not being called to be a stay at home mom. I am called to teach. God has placed me in the public school system to touch lives in a special way...and I look forward to this. However, a large part of me is having a very difficult time letting go of the "normal" I've had over the last 3.5 months. I am okay with going back to work...which in turn does make me feel a bit guilty, and I do feel heartbroken about all of the time I will have to spend there. Once again however, I know this is what God is calling me to.

All of this got me to thinking about all that I am. I have taken on new roles and phased out of others. When I think about how sad I am to be leaving my little girl, I have to remember that God has provided a safe place for her and that He has called me to be more than only a mother.

I am...
A mother
A wife
A daughter
A sister
A friend
An accountability partner
A teacher
A co-worker
A team member
A child of God...and the list goes on.

Just these titles alone show me that I am so much to so many and God has given me the opportunity to impact lives in very special ways in very specific areas. In my home I have the opportunity to show my daughter how to love God and how to live out the life that God calls us to lead. As a wife I am able to offer companionship and love in a way that no one else can to my husband. As I branch out, I know that as a daughter, I can now be a friend with my mother and have a relationship with her that many miss out on in this day and age. To my sisters I can be an example and an encouragement. We may not always like each other but our love and loyalty for one another is fierce.

Stepping out a little further, I am a friend. I have acquaintances, good friends, and of course, the time tried best of friendships. To all of these I try to offer myself as a confidant. We weather the seasons of life together. As an accountability partner I not only have to ensure that I am doing what I set out to do, but remain open and honest with my partner.

As a teacher I have the blessed responsibility to not only expand the minds of my students through academics, but through moral facets as well. I have the chance to change the future, one precious little life at a time. Many come to my class with broken homes and broken hearts. They are too young to know how to cope with what is going on in their worlds and I have the honor of being a safe place for them to land. As a co-worker, I remain flexible and open to new opportunities. Within my first grade team, I am a full on team player. We work together to ensure the best experience for our students.

Most importantly, I am a child of God. I have a Father whose love is so deep and so wide...His mercy and grace are in abundance...His promise for my future is unwavering. Because I am His, I can go forth and be sure of who I am in all that I am.

As the days pass on and our new "normal" develops, I will cling to my God for comfort, wisdom, and endurance. A dear friend shared a post from A Holy Experience that likened our life in Christ to the experience of becoming a mother. The author said that "a mother's labor and delivery never ends, and you never stop having to remember to breathe." Her blog post could not have been passed my way at a better time. She reminds us that breathing is essential and even the most silent of prayers are heard.

Breathe in: Lord I receive what You give.
Breathe out: Lord I give thanks for what you give.

In and out. In and out. All day long. In and out.

She also reminded me that delivery does not stop just because my daughter has entered the world. I must offer her, deliver her, daily into God's hands. And just because I no longer have to push while the nurse counts to ten does not mean the pushing ends. There will be so many moments that I have to push through. I can't give up just because things get hard. I pray God will continue to show me His grace as I learn and re-learn life lessons and remain vulnerable as new situations arise.

In and out. All day long. In and out.

"Now you are no longer a slave but God's own child. And since you are His child, God has made you His heir." Galatians 4:7

 



"And may you have the power to understand, as all God's people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is." Ephesians 3:18

Summer Adieu

This past week was wonderful! On Tuesday, we drove to Georgia to surprise my mom with a visit. She has not seen G since she was born over three months ago. It was a wonderful surprise and I am so grateful that the Lord blessed us with the time and resources to go. She had no clue and her reaction was priceless. We then spent the next several days spending time with her, my youngest sister and several friends.

On Thursday we were able to visit Zoo Atlanta and the Georgia Aquarium. Both places were wonderful and G was a trooper. The sweetest moment of the day was at the aquarium. We had gone through a couple of exhibits with brightly colored fish and beautiful settings. However, it was not until we got to the beluga whale exhibit that we saw a reaction from our precious 3 month old. She watched the whales in wonder, smiled, and kicked her feet with excitement. We loved watching her watch the whales. We of course had to get her a beluga whale from the gift shop to commemorate the moment.

On Friday night, my mom surprised us with a visit to the clock tower that over looks the city. This was particularly special because this was the location that my husband and I were engaged. He asked me to marry him 6 years ago this past May. It was so sweet to go back to the spot where a new chapter of our lives began. We also got to take a private tour of the clock tower and climb to the top. The view was beautiful.

We took Saturday to spend some time with my youngest sister and two of our dear friends. We went to Six Flags and had a ball. This was the first time in 3 months that I have left G with someone for more than a couple of hours. I missed her all day! I can't imagine what going back to work is going to be like...and I try not to think about it. We enjoyed the rides...and before lunch, we were able to ride a few without waiting forever in line. After lunch was another story. We waited in line for 3 hours to ride the Superman! While it is an awesome ride, our frustration grew with every person that bypassed us in the line. The park now has an extra option called the Flash Pass. This pass, which has 3 different levels depending on how much you want to spend, allows you to bypass the lines for most of the rides in the park. I can't tell you how irritating it was to stand in line for hours in the heat and humidity, only to reach the ride and once again have people go ahead of you because they were able to pay for an additional convenience. It definitely took some of the fun away. Overall however, we had a great day and enjoyed our time together.

Sunday was a lazy day just enjoying time with one another.

It was very difficult leaving this morning. My mom is truly one of my best friends and it is never easy to leave her so far away. I hate that she has to watch G grow up in pictures. Our hope is that she will eventually be able to make the move here in the near future.

As we get settled back in here at home, I know I have to get back on track. While I didn't completely bomb my eating habits, I did not make the best choices and exercise was not my focus. I have a lot of work to do and have to get back at it. I have been re-reading a book that I got when I was first diagnosed with PCOS. I was losing weight the healthy way last time I set a goal and I plan to do it again. The book provides information and basic strategies/recommended foods for people with PCOS. My goal is to get back to exercise and eating the way I should. While I work on this, I also have to prepare myself for returning to work. It is hard to believe that one week from today I'll be back at work. Time has flown! I can't fathom leaving G everyday but I know this is what I am called to do and what I must do for our family. She will be in good hands...so while I will miss her like crazy, I will not have to worry.

Well, my hubby has the baby in bed and I need to get some much needed sleep after today's travels. God is good and I look forward to what He has next for our family.

Just for Fun

This is the clock tower where my husband proposed.

 

G and her daddy taking in the view from the top.

Making adjustments...

First off, huge congrats to the Duke and Duchess on their bouncing baby boy! My mom has forever been captivated by this particular royal family and she was thrilled over the marriage of William and Kate. I can just see her clapping her hands and smiling ear to ear over the birth announcement :) I am eagerly awaiting the baby's name...

Well, today was weigh-in. I'm up a bit, which is not the way I want the scale to go. It's no surprise even though I gave up sweets all of this week. With a strong willed baby and a sick husband, it was hard to fit in any exercise. I think I only got in 40 intentional minutes. Today has been filled with time consuming tasks as I try to get a bunch of things in order.

I had a doctor's appointment today as a follow up on my blood pressure. During my pregnancy I began having issues with high blood pressure. I am currently diagnosed with pregnancy induced hypertension. It may go away but regardless, I am extremely susceptible to high blood pressure in future pregnancies and I am at a higher risk for high blood pressure later in life. All of this is a bit tough to swallow considering I had no issues prior to pregnancy. My doctor wants me to continue my medication, track my BP twice a day for the next week and make a follow up appointment. At that time the next course of action will be determined.

I'm frustrated with my lack of weight loss this week, but I can't let it get me down. I have been rethinking my game plan. After not having done any true exercise for almost 11 months, I am far from the shape I was in. I have decided to back off a bit and take smaller steps. I am going to do a month of strictly walking just to get myself back into exercise. From there I will build upon my exercise activity by completing a 5k training plan. I just took on too much too soon and I do not have the stamina at this point to push myself. As life continues to normalize and I build upon my physical health, things will pick up and I'll feel confident in my ability to once again complete a 5k.

As mentioned in my last post, we have a little special something coming up (and no it has nothing to do with another baby). I'll be able to post more about it over the next couple of days...however, as I am preparing, I cannot find one of my tank tops! While this is a very small world problem, I really love it and had hoped to wear it this week...::sigh:: I suppose it's hanging out with the missing socks that have lost way in the washer.

I'm looking forward to so many things this week...bring it on!