Father's Day
My dad passed away on my birthday last year. While our relationship was far from ideal and almost nonexistent at times, I still ensured that he got his card each year. Last year was such a whirlwind. This year, some of the pain that I've worked so hard to put behind me has risen to the surface. It was my hope that my dad and I would eventually develop the type of father-daughter relationship that I'd missed out on growing up. At his funeral, there were so many people who had known him well over the past few years and had wonderful things to say about him. I know there are things you say because it's a funeral and it is just customary. However, there was one woman who spoke with me and was nothing but genuine in what she said. She proceeded to tell me what a kind man my dad was and how he took her and her son in when she had no where else to go. He gave what he had even though he had very little. The man she knew was not the man I grew up with. Even now, I can see her face and the tears that welled up in her eyes as she poured out her heart. She wanted me to know that he had been a good man. It had been my hope that when we finally had a baby he would want to be invested and reconnect in a positive way because he had a grandchild. Unfortunately, I was not able to give him that before his unexpected passing. I often look at my precious little girl and think how much he would have loved her, and that maybe, just maybe, I would have gotten to know the man that everyone was telling me about. I know I can't get caught up in the "would of",,"could of", or "should of" of things. Instead, I sincerely try to embrace the goodness that he was said to have shown others and I rejoice that he no longer knows the hardships that he was suffering in this life. He sits with my Jesus and I choose to believe that he is proud of me and completely in love with his granddaughter as he watches us both. Malachi 4:6a He will turn the hearts of the fathers to their children, and the hearts of the children to their fathers... (NIV)
My heart is also full of mixed emotions over the loss of my grandfather last year. After having lost my dad in April, it was doubly hard to lose my grandfather that October. He passed away two days before our wedding anniversary. He was a wonderful grandpa and the memories I have of him still bring a smile to my soul. It's hard to swallow that I will not be sending him a Father's Day card this year. My heart misses him dearly and it breaks for my grandma as she continues to deal with the loss of both her son and husband. I'll never forget when I called to tell him we were pregnant with his first great grandchild. He was so sick and in the hospital at the time. However, he was so happy and talked about how exciting it all was. I'll never forget however, the edge of sadness in his voice. We both knew he would not make it long enough to meet her. I know he was so proud of and so happy at the thought of this little one. I hate that she will never be able to meet him on this side of heaven, but I do look forward to sharing pictures and stories of her great Grandpa Gutwein with her. He has left a legacy.
Proverbs 17: 6 Grandchildren are the crown of the aged, and the glory of children is their fathers. (ESV)
While my heart hangs a little heavy this weekend, I find comfort in the fact that God has blessed me with an amazing husband. He is everything I could hope for in a father for our children. He is the closest to unconditional love that I believe I could experience on this side of heaven. He will help me share the stories and will be sure to create so many amazing memories of his own with his children.
Deuteronomy 6:6-9 – “These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates.”(NIV)
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