What do I know of Holy?

Over the last couple of days, God has brought a lot of things back into perspective. My heart is overwhelmed by some of the events that have had an indirect impact on my life. It began with the unexpected passing of a dear friend's mother. Seeing the grief that has consumed the lives of so many just makes my heart ache. It's never easy to see the ones you love mourn.

While we pray for the healing of hearts, I am reminded of another that is lost. Today marks one month since a local teen girl has gone missing. I can't drive down the main highway without wanting to break down into tears. Pink ribbons line the road as they hang from mail boxes and on road signs. Her disappearance makes me want to cling even tighter to my own daughter. I can't imagine the uncertainty of everyday...the waiting. A recent news article quoted a relative stating that she just waits to hear her car in the drive way and her foot steps on the porch. They have not lost hope in her safe return. I can only pray for their strength and peace until their child is found.

The final thing that has challenged me in ways that I could not have expected...maybe ever, is the recent situation brought to my attention by a dear friend. The woman's name is Lindsey Dennis and her story of courage, bravery, and unshakeable faith in the Lord has broken me and challenged my faith. I long to share the level of intimacy that she has with the Lord. The scripture that tells us to "consider all things joy" has taken on a whole knew meaning. On September 1, 2013, she bore and then lost their beautiful, first born daughter. I cannot do justice to her exquisite, heart felt story, nor can I explain her heart in the beautiful manner in which she shares with her readers. Please read her story and please keep them in prayer. God has laid this family on my heart so heavily. Even now, I can't help but shed tears for their loss and yet rejoice in the truth that their precious Sophia is perfect and resting in the arms of Jesus.

As I was rocking my miracle to sleep this evening, I sat in awe of the blessing that I have been so fortunate hold in my arms for 4 months now. I remain in constant wonder of how she grows and all that she means to me. I can only imagine the amazing things that God has for her to do. As I rocked, humming a lullaby, my mind wandered back to Lindsey's most recent post in which she tells about celebrating the birthday and heavenly homecoming of her daughter. I began pouring my heart to my Savior. How can she sing and rejoice in the face of such grief and pain? I hate being away from my daughter for an hour, let alone having her leave this earth. I was reminded of Lindsey's strength and her perspective. She rejoices in the fact that her daughter is with Jesus. She rejoices in the fact that her daughter will not know pain or sin. Her perspective is "Heavenward"...not Earthbound.

I felt so very humbled. As I continued to snuggle my Snickerdoodle as she headed towards Dreamland, I asked God to help me gain this perspective. I have been completely challenged to love the Lord with such a fierce passion. The song "What Do I Know of Holy" by Addison Road came into my mind.

It made me think...what do I know of Holy? In Lindsey's posts, it is clearly evident that she continually "tastes and sees that the Lord is good." Her faith and ferocity for the Lord allows her to see God in all things...His goodness in ALL things.

I began thinking about some of the words from the song and I began reflecting on how much I could relate...

 

I guess I thought that I had figured You out
I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about
How You were mighty to save
Those were only empty words on a page
Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be
The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees

So What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
So What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

(Song lyrics...)

 

 

How often have I thought that I've got God all figured out? I know what I want and I just assume that He'll want it for me too. Truth Alert: My will only aligns with God's will for me if I seek Him in it. His plan and His timing are ALWAYS so much better.

 

I recall the Bible stories of my childhood and I can recite scriptures that have been read to me since birth. However, making them applicable to my life is something I don't take nearly enough advantage of. God's Word is filled with life lessons, simple beautiful truths, promises, and hope. It is too rare a time that I make His words what they are meant to be in my life.

 

Over the last several years, I have caught glimpses of God in the most peculiar and amazing places. Not all of the situations screamed Danger! and not all of them were found in sweet solitude. God is constantly present...He is not missing when He is silent. He is very much involved. He is very active. He is in front of, behind, and beside me all the time. What an amazing reality! God is ever present and never changing.

 

So what do I know of Holy?

 

An online dictionary site provides several synonyms: blessed, sacred, consecrated, hallowed

 

I know that my soul longs for the presence of the Lord in every aspect of my life. I know that nothing is complete without Him. The magnitude of His love is incomprehensible. I know that His will for my life is better than anything I could imagine. The journey that He has me on is only that of a traveler in a foreign land. He holds the key to the Kingdom and willingly offers it to all of those who ask. He is generous. He is kind. he is merciful. He is jealous. He is compassionate. He is slow to anger. He is gracious. He is more than words on a page. He is fire. He is fury. He is beautiful.

 

He is Holy.

 



Chasing Fireflies

When did I grow up? When did adulthood become my stage of life and not just something I was looking forward to? We want so quickly to grow up and enter the world on what we think is our terms...and now, ironically, there are so many days when I miss being a naïve five year old chasing fireflies at dusk.

Count it all joy: I breathed a sigh of relief when Friday afternoon rolled around and I knew I had a three day weekend ahead of me. I had dinner with two of my favorite girlfriends at one of our favorite pizza spots. It has been far too long since I just sat back and laughed with the girls...or any adults for that matter. I then eagerly came home to my darling husband and sweet little girl. I am so grateful for a husband who loves being an involved dad. While I'm sure he was ready to have me home after keeping G all evening, he never once complained.

Saturday rolled around and a full day came with it. It began with my hubby insisting on venturing out to some yard sales, which is honestly one of our favorite past times. We've always been suckers for antique stores, thrift shops, flea markets, etc. We rarely buy anything. It's just fun to rummage through other people's "treasures". We eventually made our way to the grocery store. I thought I'd go against my usual one stop grocery shopping rule and went to two stores instead. Needless to say, despite the "deals" I still spent over what I normally spend purchasing most of the same items. I also had trouble finding what I typically like to buy. I'll not be breaking that rule again...upon finishing our shopping, we came home, unpacked the groceries, relaxed a bit with the baby and settled in for the night.

Sunday came and I rolled out of bed much later than intended. We opted to fellowship at home and then made our way across the mountain to cook out with two of our dearest friends and their little boy. I was amazed at how much he had changed in just a month. Our love for this family only grows and we are so grateful for their friendship. We came home, got G ready for bed and then hit the sheets a little early ourselves.

While our weekend has been filled with wonderful things, a dark cloud made its way into our lives today. We got a text this morning saying that our close friend's mother had gone into cardiac arrest last night and was now at the hospital...and the prognosis did not look good. We immediately started getting ready, and once G was fed, we made our way to the hospital. It was the same hospital, that only a few months ago, had joined with us in welcoming our baby girl into the world. As we rode the elevator to the MICU, we were anxious about what awaited us. We desperately longed to bring comfort to our friends and their families. Upon arriving, we were met by another friend and was taken back to the room where the family had gathered. It was there that we learned she was on life support and a decision had to made about her future care. While G brought smiles to weary, tear stained faces, our hearts broke at the sight and sound of our friend making calls to loved ones about the condition of his mom.

We stayed for a while and once the decision about his mother's future care was made, we departed with a few last hugs and words of farewell. As we walked out of the hospital, I could not help but think of how odd it all seemed...to walk out knowing that in just a short while tubes would be removed and machines would be turned off, while at the same time, just a wing or so over, new little lives were entering the world. Little fingers and toes were being counted and families were being made whole...all the while this family would be facing a void that no one could have expected. We ask, on the families behalf that prayers be lifted. May our friends and their families receive and accept the comfort and peace that only God can give.

I miss the days of chasing fireflies...

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted;
  he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.

The righteous person faces many troubles,
  but the LORD comes to the rescue each time.

 

Psalm 34:18-19



Fat and Old are one in the same...

I would consider today a pretty good day...with the exception of the last 20 minutes of my school day. One of my students was talking about how his mom is a "young mom". I don't know how I ended up in the conversation, nor do I know how the conversation got to where it did...but here is a snippet of what I'd like to hope would completely horrify his parents...

Student: Mrs. Mays, my mom is probably younger than you.
Me: What makes you think that?
Student: (as he lowers his tone) She must be younger because she's not as FAT as you are.
Me: ::speechless::

I did not know how to respond and the students around him just dropped their jaws. Later on, the same student comes to my desk...

Student: You look just like my grandma.
Me: How do we look alike?
Student: Well, you don't have the same hair and you don't have the same face. She wears different clothes...but you have the same skin.

Let's just say I was far from flattered. A double whammy insult. I know this may all sound ridiculous, especially coming from an adult, but my overly emotional self got her feelings hurt today. I've been so excited over this week's 2lb weight loss and the fact that more of my clothes are getting comfortable again. I have always battled my weight and I took care to not over gain during my pregnancy. I lost my baby weight quickly as I was nursing but as my supply diminished the pounds began coming back. I've been working on trying to get this off. I've been dealing with a lot when it comes to being okay with the skin that I'm in and I took comments about my "huge" status during pregnancy with a grain of salt. I guess between the hormones, the lack of restful sleep, and my current self perception, his comments just added salt to the wound.

Of course times like this are when Satan steps up to the plate and hits you while you're down. On the way home I could not help but wonder if that is what people really think of me, just have enough courtesy not to say it out loud. Deep down I do not believe this to be true and I know lies from the pit are being pelted at me left and right as I try to regain some self confidence. I refuse to believe I am a "fat old lady" at the age of 28. "Out of the mouth of babes" has a whole new meaning.

It also got me thinking about how kids will just say what comes to mind. No. Filter. I can only hope and pray that we'll be able to teach G courtesy and tact at an early age.

I suppose I'll now go tend to my wounds and spend the last few minutes of the evening with my hubby...good thing there is no ice cream in the house.

Making Plans...

Where to start...this past week has been a whirlwind and I'm just now starting to settle down. There is just something about spending time with my church family that helps put things back in perspective. C has been pulling a 48 hour shift, so this weekend has been just us girls. It's as if G knows it is the weekend and she feels entitled to have me all to herself. It can be almost impossible sometimes. I'm glad to say she is getting better...we are both getting better...about finding ways for me to get things done around here.

Yesterday, during a rare three hour nap (granted she had to sleep in the recliner with mommy), I went Pinterest happy and found a lot of things I'd like to attempt, whether it be cooking, baking, sewing, etc. I also started a board called The Home We'll Grow Old In. This board is filled with ideas for our future home. C and I have always had a dream to build. Several of our friends are finding joy among the frustration of building and/or moving into what will be their "grow old" homes. C and I have been looking at land in the area and we have narrowed our choices of floor plans down to a couple. We are just so ready to get settled. We are also aiming to find out all we'll need to know and have a plan in place by the first of the year. It is our hope (and dream) to be able to start moving forward with this major project sometime in the Spring. We continue to pray for God's wisdom and provision in this process. Our other concern of course is the matter of selling our current home. We live at the base of the Blue Ridge mountains. While the view is gorgeous, we are a good distance from the nearest Walmart...which deters a lot of people. We just pray that the right people will be ready at the right time for all of this to fall together. We are trying to come up with a back up plan in case our house sells faster than expected. We are also trying to figure out what we would do if our home takes longer to sell than we hope. We cannot pull two mortgages. I welcome any insight on building a home and what to do with our current home during this process.

May 2011 with my mom. This is just one of the views from our house. This is also a time in
my weight journey that I was really happy with how I looked and I felt so good!

We've also been working on a "will" in the event that C and I should be called home before our child(ren) reaches adulthood. While this is an extremely depressing and morbid matter, it has to be addressed. I was given good advice by a friend of mine to put qualities and must haves on a list. Take the list and begin making note of which people (whom you are pretty certain would be okay with being asked to care for your child) have what on your list. This will help narrow down your selection. This has not been easy. We know that feelings will probably be hurt by the end of this but we need to do what we feel will ultimately be best for our daughter. Some of the most important things included on our list are:

-Christians with an active love for and dedication to the Lord
-Active in their church
-Financially sound (this does not mean rich. This means they know how to handle their money and the provisions that the Lord provides.)
-Similar views on discipline
-Similar views on education
-Willing to keep a connection with all of our child(ren)'s family
-Knows and loves our child(ren)
-Has a strong family support system
-Will forever remind our child(ren) of the crazy amount of love we had for him/her

There are additional items on our list but this provides a good representation of things that we want for our child(ren) in the event that we are no longer here to provide care. We continue to pray that our final selection will be open to providing this for our child and are willing to accept the responsibility.

Now that I've about made myself cry again, we'll move on. As many of you know, I have been trying to find a balance that will allow me to get off these last few baby pounds and then hopefully a few more. This past week was super challenging and I did not put forth much of an effort. I was just emotionally and physically exhausted. My best friend reminded me that there is always hope for tomorrow and I can do this. No matter how many steps I take back, I can still move forward. I HAVE to move forward. I am so unhappy with myself and I know this bleeds into other areas of my life. It's hard to love myself where I am when I can't fit in my clothes the way I used to and I feel, frankly disgusted, when I look in the mirror. I know this goes against all that God wants for me. I am not focusing on the creation that He has made me to be. I feel guilty for not caring for myself and ensuring that His temple is well tended to. This also has to change. He has made me to do great things and when I focus on the negative things (that I can change but don't) my joy is suppressed...as is my witness and worship. I'm so thankful for a God who is faithful when my faith wanes. I am thankful for a God who loves me even when I'm truly unlovable. I am thankful for a God who has all things but still wants me. I've got some proactive things going on this week and I'm hoping to begin making the changes that need to occur. While I know this won't be easy, I know I can do it. I've got God, my amazing husband, and "my person" (along with many others) on my side, encouraging me along the way. This journey is not the one I want to be on, but I can't get somewhere else if I don't get going.

Speaking of, I suppose I should be productive while G is sleeping...enjoy the rest of this blessed day.

Just for Fun

I have this quote posted at school and thought it only appropriate to post it as a bit of continued encouragement...

Mom's Night Off

These last couple of days have been really trying for various reasons. I feel emotionally spent. I'm sleeping but not rested. I'm so blessed to have a husband who knows his wife and knows how to make me feel better.

I picked up G after work and made my way home. I brought her into the house and he was there to greet me. He helped bring in the groceries and got G settled while I put them away.

To make things even better, he had made dinner! He tried a new recipe and it was delicious!!! Did I mention how amazing he is? Then tonight, I had to make a breakfast dish for a co-worker's birthday breakfast in the morning. He took over taking care of G so I could get this accomplished. He gave her a bath and is now putting her to bed. It was so nice to be able to love on my miracle...but it was also nice to have a little mommy break. He is such a blessing.

I'm really looking forward to tomorrow night. C will be off and we'll all be home together. He's been working a lot and our time together is needed and just as precious.

Well...I suppose I should take the next few minutes to get things ready for tomorrow. Maybe I'll even get to bed early! Praise God for a husband who loves his wife and a for a man who is an amazing father to his daughter. I could not have asked for anything more.

Is it too early to take a personal day?

While the following post contains circumstances that are far from big world problems, it does contain a day that would have served me much better in bed.

I managed to get out of the house this morning without having to change anyone's clothing. That was a big deal! I then made it to the sitter's and dropped G off right on time. I was heading down the road, minding my own business, when a school bus pulled up to a stop sign at a road I was approaching. I was clearly visible and more than close enough for a slow moving vehicle to just sit tight...but NO! This crazy school bus pulls out right in front of me. Good thing I wasn't sneezing and my blinks were timed just right, otherwise it would have been a bad day for all of us. I gathered my frustration and focused on making it to the gas station in one piece.

Once at the gas station I pumped my gas and decided to treat myself to a breakfast sandwich. I walked into the store and placed my order. Upon coming up to the register, I could not find my debit card. I began mentally freaking out. I was trying to remember the last time I used it. Did I leave it in a pair of pants at home? Did it fall out in the diaper bag? And the list goes on...I could not recall where on earth I had put it. Fortunately I had some cash and paid for my breakfast. Upon getting back to the Jeep, I began rummaging through G's diaper bag in an attempt to locate my debit card. Any guesses where I found it? In my pocket. It dawned on me that I had used it to pay at the pump for gas. ::sigh:: I was totally embarrassed and sat in my vehicle for a few minutes just shaking my head. I just kept praying that this would not set the precedent for the remainder of my day.

The rest of my day was dotted with forgetting things, dropping things, and lots of sighing. I'm pretty sure my hormones are still completely messed up from pregnancy. I've also been pretty weepy today, which is not normal. All I wanted to do was pick up G and get home. Upon arriving home, my precious hubby had put a pizza in for dinner. Of course he picked the supreme pizza. I do not like this particular type of pizza, and not to sound ungrateful, but I opted for mediocre leftovers. I thanked him many times for the attempt. (This pizza was bought for him to eat on his days off.)

I'm now at home while my hubby is up at my in-laws. He took G to see them for a bit so they could get their grand baby fix. I sat for a few minutes in the chair and shed a few tears. Women are so weird. Why do we do that? C kept asking what was wrong prior to leaving and I really don't know. I do know that sometimes, as a female, we just need a good cry. Anyway...I began feeling silly just crying in my empty house so I decided to be productive. Just a few minutes before sitting down to type this post, I put the baby's bottles in to soak and swept/mopped both the living room and bathroom floors. I figured this would be more beneficial that sitting around having my mascara run.  I'm looking forward to my hubby and baby coming home in a bit, some much desired snuggle time for all, and a few moments of adult conversation with the love of my life.

"Be still, and know that I am God..."

Psalm 46:10a

And the walls fall down...

Another Monday is under my belt. The day went pretty quickly and I'm now home with my beautiful baby. She is sweetly sleeping at the moment, which is rare for this time of night. I still can't believe she turned 4 months old today! While in the grand scheme of things this is merely a drop in the bucket, it is still hard to fathom that she is now this old. She has grown and changed so much!

Speaking of changes, I got a call from my mom today. She called to say that the old farm house that I grew up in was torn down some time recently. This causes a lot of mixed emotions to surface. This was the house where some fond childhood memories were made. It is also the house where I had to grow up way too fast, tears were cried, fears were faced, and forts were made.

Over the years this home became a house I no longer recognized. My parents divorced when I was 8. After a while, my mom, sisters and I moved out of the house and into a small house in town. The farm house became an every other weekend, 6 weeks out of the summer home. Happy childhood memories became few and far between for us in that house. Some of the best times there centered around building forts out of random materials found around the farm.

The walls in that house had many stories to tell. One of their last would be the sudden, unexpected passing of my dad last year. Sometime after his death, family went through his things and that's where it pretty much ends. The sentiments regarding the demolition of my childhood home are bittersweet.

I pray our children have countless fond memories in our home. I pray their memories are filled with love and kindness. Even now we try to ensure that our home is a safe place for the heart, soul and head to rest. May God bless and always be the center of our home.