Haunted by Habits

Another school year is upon us. In just a couple of short days my students will arrive in all their glory, supplies in hand, hope in their hearts, and big ideas in their heads. It's hard to believe the time has arrived to begin again. I've spent everyday working on my classroom this week. My lesson plans are complete, activities are compiled and copies are made. I've arranged my room, the decorations are up, and the calendar marks upcoming birthdays...and the first day hasn't even begun. I've set a few goals in hope that this year will flow smoothly. I'm ahead in my lesson planning and I plan to keep this up so that I can leave once my students have gotten on their buses. I do not want to stay any longer after the day is done. I'm also determined to keep a clean, organized desk. Unfortunately, walking out of my room today, I glanced back only to see that it is beginning to look like it did last year...cluttered with multiple piles of papers that I'll have to sift through in order to find what I want. This is not how I want to start or spend my year. First thing Monday morning I will clear my desk of any items that do not belong...and hopefully keep it that way. Some habits are hard to break.

Speaking of those haunting habits...I started out so strong with my exercise routine. It went by the wayside while on vacation and I've yet to really pick it back up. I have done much better with eating healthier again, but I won't see promising results until I get myself back in action. I've got to find a way to balance what I need to do for myself and yet ensure that I am spending quality time with my family and meeting both my home and work obligations. I have a lot on my plate and the sad thing is that I've put several things on the back burner so as not to burn myself out. For instance, I used to be very active with our church youth group. Since the end of my pregnancy and then the birth of my daughter, I have not been involved. It really  makes me sad and rather disappointed in myself. I'm sure they don't even realize I'm gone anymore. I've just really struggled getting back into the swing of things. The plan is that on the Wednesday nights that my hubby is home, I'll be with the youth group. We want her to be with one of us after being with the sitter all day. Besides that, Wednesday night services begin right around her fussy time. It's just best if she is home. Unfortunately, C's schedule has not allowed me to return as of yet. Hopefully I'll be able to go this coming Wednesday.

This weekend will hopefully be relaxing. My hubby will be home tomorrow. We may be heading to a cookout tomorrow evening. Otherwise, we have no plans, which is always nice. I hope to just spend the day with my darling family before work goes into full swing. Sunday will consist of church and then some much desired mommy and baby time. I must say, this week has gone much better than expected. G has transitioned very well into going to the sitter. We have established a really good routine up to this point and I hope it continues. This next week will pose its own difficulties and new transitions when  things really get rolling. Hopefully it will go just as smoothly.

I'm still working out how to balance my emotions with reality. There are many days when I wish I lived closer to "civilization". There are many reasons why I hope God will allow us to make a slight change in scenery...until then, I just try to remember to be grateful. I recently finished my devotion series on prayer. I continue to try to keep prayer intentional and an open, ongoing conversation with my Savior. I was able to begin a new devotional this week. It is called Holy Emotions-Biblical Responses to Every Challenge. It is very appropriate for this particular season in my life. One of the most significant truths that I have been reminded of came from yesterday's reading: "One of the most practical instances of where we choose God or choose self is in our emotional preferences and habits. You must give up your right to whine and pout and then wholeheartedly embrace the plan of God for your life, which is found in the fruit of the Spirit. You  were created for good works and not for the works of the flesh or for the opinions of your emotions." In a nutshell...to live for Christ I must choose to accept what God has for me. I need to WANT what God has for me and get past the "opinions of my emotions". This type of action does not happen instantly, nor does it happen once and all is well...it is an intentional, continual challenge...and because of who my God is, I know it will be well worth the effort.

Just for Fun

Our beautiful little girl melts my heart everyday with something new. She turned 16 weeks today and is becoming such a "big girl".

Ecclesiastes

Time flies...it seems like yesterday that I was holding G in my arms for the first time and now, 3 1/2 months later, it's the time of year when summer ends and school begins. We have encountered many changes over the last year and I know that there are still more to come...I've had mixed emotions about a lot of things lately and as I try to sort through my thoughts and feelings, several verses come to mind. As I reflected on them, it was rather amazing, but not necessarily surprising that I am going through or have recently gone through many of the times that God knew we'd have.

 

 For everything there is a season,
  a time for every activity under heaven.
  A time to be born and a time to die.
  A time to plant and a time to harvest.
 A time to kill and a time to heal.
  A time to tear down and a time to build up.
 A time to cry and a time to laugh.
  A time to grieve and a time to dance.
 A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones.
  A time to embrace and a time to turn away.
 A time to search and a time to quit searching.
  A time to keep and a time to throw away.
 A time to tear and a time to mend.
  A time to be quiet and a time to speak.
 A time to love and a time to hate.
  A time for war and a time for peace.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

 

Just some examples that correlate with the above verses: G was born 10 days after the one year anniversary of my father's passing. We have been working on making our house a home and doing little things to improve it, all the while praying for the day when we can move and build our own house. Over just the last few days I've had plenty of moments with tears and lots of laughter as well...I could easily go on but I'll spare you.

 

While driving home today I realized that I'm kind of in a slump...a rut...or whatever you want to call it. I've really slacked on my 5k training (even though I'm eating much better) and work has consumed my life the last couple of weeks. I think about all the time I'm missing with her which makes me miss her all the more. I also miss hanging out with friends like I used to, but it has become so difficult with everyone so far away. While we have a beautiful view, our location does very little for our social lives. Unfortunately, my hubby insists that we stay in the vicinity of "the middle of no where". While I have to occasionally pout and then get over this reality, I try to remain thankful for all that we have. I'm just really missing true social interaction. I would love to be more involved with something but between work and a new little one, there isn't much time...and yet God's word clearly says there is a time for EVERY activity under the heaven. I'm given the same 24 hours in a day as everyone else...and just when I think I've found a balance, something goes awry. I'm reminded constantly that my life is filled with wonderful, beautiful things...so until God moves or moves me, I'll count my blessings...

 

 

Finishing Touches

My classroom is coming along. I still have a good bit to do to prepare for Open House Thursday night and for next week. I'm working on the finishing touches in my room and I'm very pleased with how it's coming along. I left pretty exhausted both physically and mentally. I'm putting in a lot of effort to get things together. It's like this every year. I put in all these hours in hope that my new students will be super excited to begin their first grade year. Generally my hard work pays off. I love what I do, but the best part of my day however is going home :)

I love nights like this. The rain is pattering softly on the windows, the room smells of fresh laundry, and the dishes are done. I've been able to spend most of the evening with G and my hubby. It has been such a peaceful and restful time. It seems to help that I have been prepping things for the next night's meal. It eliminates extra time getting dinner ready which means extra time with my baby and husband.

I just adore bath time with my daughter. She smiles and kicks her feet in the water. She coos as we practice her bicycle moves. Something about the water just brings joy to her little face. She seems to have a thing for water. She fell for the beluga whales at the Georgia Aquarium. She was very intrigued by the sharks on Discovery...maybe there will be something to this as she grows up. I know it is super early but as we've been discussing in Sunday School, we need to stay aware of our children's interests and strengths so that we can encourage them in future endeavors.

My husband took the task of putting G to bed tonight. I must say it is one of my favorite parts of the day but with him working tomorrow, and possibly for the next 72 hours, he needs to get in his special time with her as well. I am so blessed to have a husband that desires to be an invested father. I love how he loves her. She lights up when she sees his face and it just melts my heart.

We continue to work out our new routine this week. This too will come together and all will be well. I'm grateful that God has given me peace with the changes that have been occurring in my life. Without His constant presence in these situations, I'd be a hot mess. Thankfully He knows my heart...

 

1 Peter 1:2

God the Father knew you and chose you long ago, and his Spirit has made you holy. As a result, you have obeyed him and have been cleansed by the blood of Jesus Christ.
  May God give you more and more grace and peace.

 



Just for Fun

 

G and daddy just love to read!

 

 

It's Like Ripping off a Band-Aid

We survived. I was really expecting this morning to be far worse than what it was. I've been praying for a smooth transition, and thankfully, with the prayers of others, today was a success. I can't say it was easy to drop G off with her sitter and like ripping off a Band-Aid, I dropped her off and headed to work. I was terribly sad at the thought of  not seeing her for 8 hours but not once did I actually worry about her. I know she is in excellent hands.

I made it to work in a very timely fashion. If we can maintain this schedule we'll be set. Granted, I know that with infants things change constantly. I entered into my classroom with a lot of optimism. I have a very agreeable number of students and some wonderful personalities if they are anything like they were last year.

I still have A LOT of work ahead of me. I've dusted just about everything. I'm working on organizing my classroom. Having left on maternity leave 6 weeks prior to the end of the year, I was not present to clean and organize my classroom. Needless to say, I had more than average to do in my room. I've also done a lot of restructuring as far as my Word Study and reading groups go. I feel very confident in my game plan...only time will tell.

Open House will take place later this week. I am eager to meet my new darlings. It's always fun to see them react to their new room. First grade is such an interesting grade to teach. I am required to prepare kindergarten babies for 2nd grade. That is a HUGE transition! It is also A LOT of work. Sometimes I think it's almost harder for the parents to adjust than it is the kids. Homework becomes more challenging, as does the content and class work. I feel a huge responsibility to not just help them succeed in their academics, but also as future contributors to society. Even at this age, so many children these days have skewed moral compasses. For 10 months I have these children in my care for about 8 hours a day. For most of my students, I spend more time with them than their parents. I can't help but feel responsible for assisting in building good character into these children.

I can't say enough great things about my job. I work for an amazing principal and along side a fabulous faculty. God has blessed me with the ideal workplace doing something I truly love. I hope to post some pictures of my completed classroom in the near future.

Well, I suppose I should call it a night. My baby is sound asleep and I was able to enjoy a few perfectly ripened strawberries as an after dinner nibble. Not a bad way to end this day.

T'was the Night Before...

I'm trying to savor every second of this last night before returning to work. I would not be blogging at this moment if it weren't for the fact that both my husband and daughter are napping. I've got laundry in the washer and bags packed for tomorrow. I can't believe how quickly time has gone. Tomorrow will be G's first day at her new sitter's house. I know she'll be fine...it's me we'll have to worry about. I've been so blessed to have been able to spend the last 3 1/2 months at home.

I'm trying to prepare little things ahead of time in order to make this week's transition a little easier. I've already dropped off all of G's things with the exception of her bottles. I've got my school bags packed and need to just pack my lunch for tomorrow. I've got my menu ready to go and I'm going through things that I can go ahead and prepare to make meal time preparation take less time. I've got G's clothes laid out and I'll soon have my stuff all in order. The first day of school isn't just for kids :)

I have to give a huge shout out to my hubby. He has recognized just how hard it is going to be for me to go back to work. He has gone out of his way since we got home from church today to do things around the house so that I can spend extra time with G. He is such a blessing.

Although I'm super excited about this next school year, I also feel a bit anxious about all of the transitions. Today in Sunday School, we were reminded to "shape our worries into prayers" and let God do His work. Not an easy thing to do for this Type A girl. I love a sense of control and I'm in the midst of so many changes that I have little to no control over. Yay for life lessons!

I ran across an excellent devo this afternoon and it was as if it was written for me...it may help you as well. It speaks to how change is necessary for growth. I must accept that this is one of those periods of growth and that God blesses those who follow no matter how uncomfortable the changes are.

(source)

Just for Fun
A friend of mine sent me this a while back...I can't help but smile :)



I am Woman

So after yesterday's mini meltdown I'm back to "normal" today. It's so nice having my husband home. I never get enough of our family time.

Today was pretty uneventful, which I am completely okay with. C got home and played with G while I took an uninterrupted shower. We then got ready and headed out to town. Our trips to town are rarely ever short. We live in the middle of no where and thus, we make our outings multipurpose. We began by visiting some friends who recently had a baby. Although the baby was still in the hospital, we were able to spend some much needed time with them. Their son was born premature and has been in the hospital since the 25th. (I did get word tonight that he was finally released to go home!!! Super exciting!!!) We caught up on her unexpected delivery and played a bit with their older son. He and my hubby always have a good time. It was so good to see them and get in some much needed quality time.

We then headed to lunch and C patiently waited with the baby while I got a much needed haircut. It made me feel "human" again. I have rarely taken time to do things for myself since she was born, not that I'm complaining, it just doesn't happen with an infant, and I could not believe how good it felt to get a simple hairstyle change. We then headed out and bought groceries. This was no small undertaking before baby, and it is no less of one now. Since college, I make a menu. While in college I planned 2 weeks at a time. Since being married, I've bumped it up to an entire month. Needless to say, our shopping cart is nothing short of overflowing. I'm certain the cashiers hate to see me coming.

Over the years I've been amazed at how much money doing my shopping this way can save. I am not a coupon clipper and unless I can download it to my Kroger card, I probably won't remember to use the coupons that I do manage to clip. I am not against couponing, I just don't ever seem to have the time. I'm a one stop shopper and I've shopped other places, including Walmart, and I'm just rarely ever as pleased with the selection and quality. Plus, I tend to save more using my discount card. Another perk is that I get money off of my gas afterwards.

I've had some interesting experiences while doing my monthly shopping trip...primarily comments that people make regarding my shopping cart. Comments typically stem from the amount of money I must be spending, to who really needs that much food, etc. People tend to eat their words when I inform them that what is in my cart supplies my family with 3 meals a day for an entire month. I only replace perishables. I work hard to make this work continually for my family and I am so blessed and so grateful to be able to do so.

We survived our shopping trip and came home to unload. G tends to become super fussy around 7p every night. I believe this is in part to the fact that she does not sleep much at all during the day. C and I took turns trying to console her. C finally decided to change environments. Our little girl seems to have our love for the outdoors. He took her outside to sit at the picnic table. I joined them shortly after. It was such a sweet time. There were dark rain clouds just rolling over the mountains and the wind made everything so perfectly cool. G was mesmerized by the rustling leaves, birds flying, and the occasional passing car. She was so content. We just sat in awe of our little wonder. Her beautiful blue eyes were trying so hard to take in everything. She would smile and coo and it was all we could do to not ruin the moment by holding her close and obscuring her view.

As I sat there watching her, I realized just how at peace I felt in that moment. I have not felt that in a while. The world was quiet, we were still, and the beauty of God's creation seemed to be made just for us in that moment. I can't remember the last time I was so at rest in mind, body, and spirit. I miss being that woman. The kind of woman whose heart and mind are at peace with change and her gentle spirit calms those around her. I feel like for the longest time I have been running a thousand miles an hour without taking a break to savor God's goodness. Outside of my daughter, there has been very little that I've taken the time to truly enjoy. I'm constantly planning and looking forward to the next thing. I anxiously await changes that may or may not happen which quickly takes away joy from the present.

I've been reflecting on a few verses from Proverbs 31. I used to be more like that woman. I used to be more gentle and at peace. I've let the world dictate my thoughts and this of course leads to worry and anxiety. As I try to regain control through prayer and the support of others, I know that God is doing a good work in me. He has not given up on me. He has remained faithful even when I have not. Thank goodness for His mercy and grace.

Proverbs 31: 11-12, 25-26

Her husband can trust her, and she will greatly enrich his life. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life...She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future. When she speaks, her words are wise, and she gives instructions with kindness.

Running out of Kleenex

I have been an emotional mess today! I'm not sure what's going on but I'm okay with it stopping any time...I've dedicated today as a "Mommy and Me" day with G. I've only done household things while she's napping and enjoying every moment with her while she is awake. I've just become overwhelmed with the amount of love I have for her. As I was scanning Facebook and surfing for some recipes for this month's menu, I ran across a young couple who recently lost their little girl. She was under two years old. I don't know the circumstances but the mother's posts just tore at my heart. I've been crying ever since. I just look at G as she lay sleeping and it's all I can do not to wake her up. I can't imagine my life without her.

This got me thinking about all of those little ones who have gone before us. I've heard many parents say that a child should never leave this earth before his or her parents. When I was younger I never really thought too much about it. I was okay with knowing that I knew Jesus and that my parents, should something ever happen to me, would be "sad" but knew I was with the Lord. As I look at my little girl I now know that "sad" would never be an appropriate adjective for such a loss. I've lost friends and family members and I've come to terms with the losses. However, I just don't know how I could ever do the same with my child. I know all of this is so morbid but I'm afraid if I don't get my feelings down and out then I'll be a basket case all day.

I think about how God gave His only son to save us from an eternity in Hell. What kind of love that must be! I know I've written about this topic in the past but it still amazes me with a fresh appreciation every time it comes to mind. God has everything and yet He still wants me. He gave His perfect son to die a horrible death so that me, an unworthy sinner, would someday come to know Him. I just can't wrap my brain around it logically and yet in my heart I am so thankful...so grateful...and so in awe of God's goodness.

For those who don't know, G is quite the little miracle for my husband and I. When I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome in December of 2011, after many months of trying to get pregnant, I was not sure what that would mean for us. After blood work, several medications and countless ovulation and pregnancy tests, my doctor decided there was nothing else she could do and wanted to refer us to a fertility specialist. She could offer no reassurance about our ability to get pregnant, even with the help of a specialist. Through the years of preparing our hearts and our home for a child, I prayed many tearful prayers and I wanted to believe that God would fill our home with the laughter of a little one. We opted out of seeing a fertility specialist, but did decide to go to a doctor who specialized in my diagnosis. In the couple of months prior to my first visit, we changed our prayers from pregnancy to being open to however God saw fit to bring a child into our lives. Right before my first appointment with the new doctor, I became pregnant. It was our long awaited miracle.

Throughout our journey, we had so many people who would try to encourage us in their own way...mostly with "it will happen in God's time", "just stop trying and it will happen", "stop thinking about it and you'll get pregnant"...well, for those who have never had this type of experience, while those statements seem like they would offer comfort, in reality they only added salt to the wound. I was praying and it seemed like those prayers were just bouncing off the ceiling. I knew that if it was God's will for us it would happen, but that did not ease the pain. It was not a matter of "trying or not trying" or "thinking about it"...you can't just turn those things off. You don't just wake up one day and say, "Oh, I'm going to no longer think about wanting a baby." The end. It does not work like that. The heart wants what the heart wants.

Another issue we ran into was when people would question why didn't have kids yet or when we planned on starting a family. I know my emotions were raw but it was like nails on a chalkboard whenever someone would ask those questions. Another phrase that killed was "we're pregnant, and we weren't even trying!" Ouch. Our experiences prior to our pregnancy have made us very aware of how we approach others and it has heightened our sensitivity when asking people those types of questions. Honestly, for the most part, we simply don't ask. If they want to bring it up then we are all ears.

I don't apologize for my rant but I do thank you for bearing with me. It has just been one of those days and with my husband working yet another 72 hour shift, I'm in need of some chocolate and a good movie...all while rocking my angel. Maybe it's the dread of leaving her to go back to work in a couple of days...maybe it's hormones...whatever it is, I am grateful for a God who holds tomorrow and offers His love, peace, and comfort like no one else can.

Just for Fun
Our piece of Heaven













G with her Granna July 2013