It May Never Stop Hurting: An Infertility Truth

To those of you still waiting on your miracle, this post is in no way meant to seem selfish. The Lord has given the desires of my heart and I am trusting Him to give me a sense of completion when our family has reached His goal for us. I by no means want to come across as ungrateful or greedy. Our journey is part of our testimony, just as your journey is your own. Please know that my heart goes out to you in your time of waiting and possible loss. My experiences have led to a new ministry in which I try to serve as an example of hope for those who have yet to receive their miracle. We just never know where our journey will lead.

I have not blogged on infertility in a while. I've been pretty caught up in life and I've been trying to keep certain feelings at bay. To most, it may seem ridiculous that I am even blogging about infertility since we've been blessed to conceive two children. Most days, I do not think too much about how they came to be or else I find my mind wandering to places I do not want it to go. The anxiety and painful memories of the journey that led us to becoming parents only typically arise these days when I begin allowing myself to dream of adding another to our family. Do I want more children? I get asked this question regularly these days and the answer is "yes", but as soon as I say it out loud, the feelings come rushing back. Will the meds work? Am I being greedy? Is it selfish to want more? Will our dream of another child come to fruition? Will I learn to be content with what we have been blessed with if this is where our journey ends?

Honestly, I feel I've done well to work through the feelings of bitterness and longing that arise when "easy" conceptions are brought to my attention. I don't cry the instant I am alone, I do not allow my mind to dwell on their "luck" and I thank God for my own miracles repeatedly. I feel like I've come so far...and yet, there are still moments when I am not sure if I'll ever truly heal. There are moments when I still hurt, when I still feel the aches from the scars that our infertility journey has left on my heart. I was reminded of this earlier this week. I ran into a woman who gave birth not too terribly long ago and unbeknownst to me, she was expecting again...baby #4. I am elated for this little blessing that will soon be gracing the world, but for the first time in a while, I felt the old, familiar ache. I felt the jealousy, the anxiety, and the tears welling up. I attribute most of these emotions to hormones...but still.

I've been reflecting on this experience. I don't want to be that woman. I don't want to constantly be reminded of my bouts with pain. Instead I want to constantly rejoice in all the good that He has done in our lives. I want to revel in the joy that is our children. The truth is, the emotions, memories, and aches from one's infertility journey don't just go away. In time, I believe they can soften, but from personal experience, I just don't know. I sincerely just don't know if they will ever stop surfacing. Maybe I'm just not strong enough yet...but I have hope.

  Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the LORD your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.”

Deuteronomy 31:6

Linking up for Mommy Moments

When You're Not a Mom on Mother's Day

This quote popped up on my TimeHop app the other morning and as soon as I read it, I knew exactly why I had shared it.

The quote came during a time in our infertility struggle that I was losing hope, tired of the fight and could only hope, pray and dream that one day Mother's Day would hold a new meaning for me. Of course I celebrated my amazing mother. I would not be who I am without her...but as I sat in the church pew that Mother's Day morning, I could only think about how much my heart ached to be a mother. I was not envious of the flowers or cards. I was not jealous of the recognition. I was sad. My heart longed to know motherhood.

That Mother's Day came and went. I shed the same tears that I had shed the year before and I prayed desperately for the Lord to answer my prayers. To our unexpected joy and delight, He did answer that prayer later that year.

I'll never forget the moment I held our little girl for the first time. It was at that moment that I knew everyday would be Mother's Day. I would celebrate this joy forever. The Lord had heard my prayer and answered my request with a blessing beyond our dreams.

Mother's Day 2013

As I type this, I am currently 31 weeks pregnant with another miracle...another answer to prayer. We ran into similar issues in trying to conceive this sweet little boy and I cherish God's blessing. I rejoice in what He has done. As my heart rejoices over this little life that is growing inside of me and over the fiery redheaded little girl that calls me "Mommy", I cannot help but remember those years of longing and sadness...those years my heart felt so empty on Mother's Day.

For those of you who find yourselves feeling that same ache and feeling that same frustration, remember you are not alone. While you stare longingly at the little ones around you, remember that there is a special plan for your life. I had to be reminded of that daily. I also had to be reminded that God has great plans for the little lives that He brings into this world and that those lives will be conceived in the womb and delivered into the world at His appointed time for His miraculous purpose. While these truths are real and are meant to be reassuring, we won't always feel their comfort.

I say these things to encourage you to not lose hope. Open your heart to what God has for you and daily prepare yourself to accept His blessing when it comes. Be open to how He may bring children into your home. Our sweet little ones don't always come from our own wombs.

I say these things to also remind you that just because you are not a mom (yet) on Mother's Day does not make you any less of a woman. You were designed with a purpose and your story is far from over. It took me a long time to grasp that God was developing and furthering a part of my testimony that would later used to help others. I have since been able to share my battles of infertility and the hope that the Lord gives in the midst of the ache with others. I have seen God fill wombs that once were barren. I have cried and laughed with women who never thought joy could be found in such a painful plight.  I have seen true miracles occur and I have seen what faith can do.

May 2015
 

Mourn this Mother's Day if you must. It's okay, but please, please don't lose hope. Find a way to keep looking forward. Keep dreaming. Embrace the now while anticipating the future. Your miracle may be just a moment away...

 

Linking Up for Mommy Moments

When It's Your Turn: The Other Side of Infertility

You've prayed. You've tasted bitterness. You've remained hopeful. You've fought against the odds. And then...you want to give up. You want to throw your hands in the air because you don't understand why it seems everyone around you can have a baby and you can't. You battle these emotions day in and day out.

Fast forward (in slow motion) and a miraculous things happens. You...the one wondering if your prayers will ever be answered in the way that you hoped, are pregnant. Those two beautiful pink lines bring a plethora of emotions. You struggle with disbelief and complete elation. You want to tell everyone and no one at the same time. Your dreams are becoming a reality.

I must say that my emotions and experiences regarding both the conception of my daughter and, now, this precious miracle have been all of those things and more. It's crazy to think that after all someone with infertility goes through that she could feel anything but complete joy...and yet, it becomes so much more.


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This new journey comes with a mixed bag of emotions. Your excitement can become tainted with other less pleasant emotions. I struggled greatly...and still struggle with these things.

One of the most difficult emotions to combat is guilt.

It's hard to get beyond this one. I've been fortunate enough to have a beautiful support group this time around. The three of us have been praying for each other, hoping and wishing on every star for one another to become pregnant. It's what we all want for each other...so why the guilt? It's the flip side of the "why she and not me?" It becomes the "Praise God for me, but why not she?" I so desperately want all of us to share this experience. I want each of them to know the excitement and worry and all of the crazy good that is pregnancy and motherhood. But alas, I can't change what is. It is very hard to tell those most close to you...those women who have walked this journey with you, that you are now pregnant. I have been fortunate to have their full love and support but it is still very difficult to tell them something that you know will bring pain to their hearts, despite the sincere happiness they have for you. I've been on that side. I know the feeling.



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Another feeling that I, and many others, experience is jealousy. Say what?! I know what you're thinking. I'm pregnant. Move on! I know, I know. It's so hard to explain but the words "we weren't even trying" or "it happened our first time" still bring a sting to my heart. While I rejoice in our blessing, there is still that achy part of me that wishes our journey to our miracle was not so laden with tears.



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I also struggle with worry. My PCOS puts me at a higher risk for miscarriage. At the time of this post, I am 4 months pregnant. I've felt my little one move a few times and my growing belly shows promise. These things are amazing and wonderful, but I still worry. I still worry about the health of our unborn child. I worry about what may or may not happen. I have to daily place our sweet babe in the Lord's hands.



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Now, before you get bogged down in the less than desirable things...I confess that my heart is so full and my soul continually rejoices over the miracle that I carry. God has blessed our little family with another child and for that I will be forever grateful.

Throughout your infertility journey you will face multiple ups and downs. The most important thing is to not lose heart and to never give up. You're miracle may be right around the corner...and remember, no matter how you decide to fill your home with the pitter patter of little feet, you will be blessed.



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Linking up for Thoughts for Thursday

Infertility Hurdles: Surviving the TWW

If you are not familiar with the TWW acronym, it stands for the (dreaded) Two Week Wait. Those two weeks are the ones following your ovulation. What does or doesn't happen during those two weeks can drive a gal crazy...

If you've been trying to conceive and you chart your cycles, you are probably acutely aware of how obsessive these two weeks can become. Every "symptom" is scrutinized. A slight dip in your temperature can trigger disappointment. A spike in temperatures sends your hope soaring! There are oodles of things that we try to spin in our favor in order to cling to the hope of pregnancy.

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I'm no stranger to the TWW. I remember all too well the roller coaster of emotions from TTC our daughter. Emotions this go around are pretty much the same, but my support system has changed...in that I actually have one and they are awesome! We're all going through this together. No matter how long you've been TTC there is no less sting when temperatures bottom out and a BFN is clearly in the near future. Handling this disappointment is a post all in its own, but I thought I'd share with you some ways I survive the TWW.

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Of course one of the main things I do (which may or may not be a healthy choice) is obsess over enter my chart data. There is very little that we can control regarding when we'll get pregnant and yet most of us feel a need for a sense of some type of control. In my case, I feel like I can at least control the data I enter into my chart, which includes my BBT (Basal Body Temperature) and "symptoms". I try not to get wrapped up in it. It just helps to show me and my doctor what is going on during my cycles. *I chart my entire cycle for accuracy.

Now here are some non-chart related things that help me pass the time...

Blog: This blog has become such a wonderful source of encouragement and it serves as a great outlet.

Bible Study: I recently started an infertility related bible study. It has served as a great foundation for me and the gals to approach infertility (and every. single. unsuccessful. cycle.) from a faith perspective.

Cook/Bake: I have always loved to cook and bake. Trying new recipes is a hobby of mine. I really ramp the production during the TWW. If I'm cooking I can sort out my thoughts and I can refocus my energy. Hobbies are a great way to keep your mind occupied.

Get Outdoors: There is something about a mountainous view and fresh air that cleanses the soul. It's a good way for me to clear my head and gain a fresh perspective.

Family Time: I LOVE my family. There is nothing better than spending time with my husband and daughter. The laughter, conversations, and memories divert my attention to more important things and I savor those precious moments.

Technology Breaks: I've backed off of Facebook for a few months now and I am very happy with my decision. My family time is more intentional and, while I'm not "in the know", I know enough. It gives me a reason to call, send a letter or text someone directly. It has made my relationships more personal. When I step away from my phone or the computer there is a crazy amount of freedom that comes with it.

Girls' Nights: Girl friends are essential in surviving the TWW. Taking time away to vent, cry and laugh with friends that are going through the same thing is extremely helpful. Don't get me wrong, I love spending time with ALL my friends and they are so encouraging. It's just different being with those that understand...however, being with friends that are not baby obsessed is also nice in that not every conversation revolves around trying to get pregnant.

Create a Bucket List: Get a list together of things you'd love to do or accomplish. Get busy in checking them off. This will give you things to look forward to while you wait.

There are many things you can do to help you survive the TWW besides burying your face in a tub of ice cream. Save that for the BFN if it comes. I'd love to hear some of your survival tips...

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Infertility Hurdles: The Company You Keep

From a recent bible study session I had a pretty big epiphany. All that I've been through up to this point (and all that I will go through) is necessary. Necessary. That word causes a major sense of bitterness at the sound. Doctor appointments: necessary. Less dairy (and most of the foods I love): necessary. Blood work: necessary. Medication: necessary. Screaming into a pillow: necessary. There are a lot of unpleasant "necessary" moments in the Land of Infertility. Rarely do I ever consider these things good...that was until recently.

It's easy to settle into a place of constant bitterness and sadness.

You want more than anything to have what others have. The constant "why can she and not me?" question permanently embeds itself in your mind.

I suppose this idea of "necessary" has been an area of struggle for me for quite some time. I know God has a plan for my life but why? Why am I going through this? I'm young. I'm stable. I have so much love to give...why is this part of my journey so necessary?

I know now...well, actually I now accept, that I need to turn my thoughts of necessary around. Had I not previously gone through this journey I would not have any experience in order to relate to those women who are also battling infertility. I would not have found some of the friends I have found through various support groups if I had not been diagnosed with PCOS. This second time around has not been any easier to accept. However, had I not begun this journey again I would not have felt led to start an infertility related bible study. I would not have connected with some amazing women on the sweetest of faith based levels. My faith would not have been challenged in this way and I would not know God's goodness the way I know it now.

When surrounding yourself with support through the journey (and you should), be sure you are careful of the company you keep. Try to surround yourself with positive people. While the journey is hard, you don't want people that will feed into your bitterness. You need to seek out those who still have optimism, who still have hope and will still support you when circumstances turn. Infertility is difficult enough without constantly focusing on all that is not going right.

The women that I am currently going through this study with definitely fit the bill. We all laugh together. We cry. We hope. We dream. We cling to a God who knows our hearts and has brought us together to serve as tangible examples of His love for us. I've challenged all of us to change our view of "necessary". We all also accepted the challenge, regardless of what our heads tell us, to change our thoughts from "I doubt it happened this cycle" to "I claim this cycle and consider myself PUPO (Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise) during the TTW." Hope is what we have. Faith is what we cling to and His grace is how we survive.

Just a side note...when it comes to the company you keep, consider the relationship and comfort level that you have with your doctor.  Some women decide to go with a specialist.  Find one that meets your needs and suits your personality and goals. If you're like me and various reasons hinder the use of a specialist,  work with a doctor that works with your particular condition.  A lot of doctors are familiar with my PCOS but I had to change practices in order to find a doctor that knew how to treat it and could give me reasons why they were choosing the types of treatment that they were suggesting. You are your best advocate.

I hope that no matter what you're going through you'll accept that no matter how difficult the journey, each moment is necessary.

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Infertility Hurdles: The Men That Love Us

Infertility is vicious. It can rock the foundation of even the strongest relationships...primarily marriage. It's not easy for our good men to go through the journey with us, but the great ones stick it out, hold our hands, let us cry, cry with us, and live out love everyday despite their frustration.



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It's a miracle that my husband still hangs around the house.

I've been enlightened over the last few months. When we began to TTC again, I knew things would be hard...but I didn't realize I'd be battling the ghosts of my past. The same emotions plague my heart. The same thoughts bounce around in my brain. The same tears fall...and through it all, my husband has proven himself amazing...again.

I was determined to not have us fall into the same rut. The last time "doing the deed" became "mandatory" when a positive opk showed itself. The romance faded. The spontaneity was gone. Let's be honest, after months of trying and disappointment, the magic disappears. It's not something you mean to happen but it will quickly become an issue if you don't keep things in check.

In an attempt to keep things fresh, I didn't tell my hubby when ovulation was imminent.  Just a couple months into this new journey, I decided to initiate some romance. I kid you not...the first words out of my husband's mouth were, "does that mean you got a positive test?" Ouch. At that moment I realized I had conditioned my husband. He was fertility trained. It still stings a bit but after discussing some things with him, I now have a better understanding.

From my hubby's perspective, he sincerely wants to know. He wants to walk this journey with me and he wants to be aware of what is going on. I didn't realize...

After talking with a few friends, I've grown to have more of an appreciation for the men in our lives that walk this journey of infertility with us. (Please keep in mind that my husband has been medically cleared. The issues lie in me. I know this is not always the case. Male infertility is a very real issue but I can't speak to that particular situation.)

Just like anything else, men will respond in different ways. After discussing this matter with several people, I've compiled a short list of some common emotions and responses that the men in our lives have regarding our infertility journeys.

-Helplessness: Men are fixers. It's hard for them to see us cry, pray and hope only to be disappointed time after time. They want to make things better and feel helpless when they can't change our circumstances.

-Angry: Men become angry with themselves, their spouses and friends. They are angry with themselves because they can't help us. They don't fully understand and become overwhelmed. They become angry with their spouses because of the demands placed upon them. They become angry with friends, not necessarily at them, but at their more fortunate circumstances.

-Overwhelmed: Men too can become overwhelmed with the financial, emotional, physical, and mental demands of infertility.

-Tired: Like us, they get tired of schedules, demands, our hormonal rollercoasters, etc.

-Indifference: "If it happens, it happens." "If it's God's will..." "We can't rush these things." They take the stance of "no worries".

For more insight, take a look at the "7 Words that Describe Infertility from a Male's Perspective."

My husband has said that the hardest thing for him is to see me hurt and to know that there is nothing he can do. Oh honey. You do so much. I am so grateful for all of the time, money, and energy that you contribute to our dreams. I thank you for your endless love and support. There is no one else that I'd rather walk this journey with. Be sure to thank your man for the good things...even if it's just one thing. They need to know we need them.

More from this series:

Infertility Hurdles: It's All In Your Head

 

Also linking up with Home of Malones for Thoughts for Thursday.

Infertility Hurdles: It's All In Your Head

I mentioned the other day that I've felt really compelled to blog a series of posts on infertility hurdles. Needless to say, it's been a really tough week. What looked so promising ended up being a bust. Why is something that is supposed to be so "natural" so ridiculously hard?!

There are so many difficulties that lie within the realm of infertility. It is an all encompassing medical matter. The heart, mind and body are all impacted.

I thought I'd begin focusing on the mind. If you've been in the Land of Infertility for any amount of time it's likely that you've heard something like this...

"If you'd just stop thinking about it..."
"Once you stop trying..."
"Just relax..."


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You'll run into these well-meaning "best of intentions" at some point if you haven't already. It's only natural for our friends and family (and did I mention complete strangers) to offer advice on something they know very little about. They want to make us feel better...oh if they only knew how words can hurt.

A war begins to wage in your mind. You begin to question your self-worth, your ability to be a good mom, your choices, and your future. One of the biggest questions is "when will it be my turn?!" Unfortunately there is no cookie-cutter standard for a time frame. For some it's the first round of meds and for some it's never. Most of us fall somewhere in between.

With every baby shower invite, birth announcement, pregnancy announcement and trip into Wal-Mart you are bombarded with baby.

Unfortunately, it's not like the desensitization of children with video games. For those struggling with infertility, this constant exposure only makes the longing worse.

Not only do you question your time, but you frequently wonder how all of these people who, despite your desire to not pass judgment, can have kids that they tend to so carelessly. Why do drug users, abusers, teenagers, etc. get to bring life into this world when you have a loving, stable home in which to raise a child? It makes no sense...and that is something that sooner or later, you'll just have to accept. Tough stuff, but true.

You walk around raw. Broken. Struggling to hold onto hope.

Your life becomes a roller coaster of emotions. Your cry frequently and avoid certain social situations. You separate your times of waiting. It probably goes something like this...

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From personal experience, these thoughts and constant highs and lows, when not dealt with, can lead to depression. I struggled silently for the majority of our TTC journey. It wasn't healthy and impacted every area of my life. That's why, when we decided to TTC this time around, I knew I needed to do something different. I'm finding my voice.

There is no one thing that you can do to over come the sadness that comes from infertility, but you can do many little things to help yourself along the way.

-Talk about it. This is not easy for most but it is necessary. Maybe there is one person you feel you can trust. Possibly join a support group. Don't try to work it out on your own.

-Speak with your doctor. Make sure that your physician is aware of how you are feeling. They need to help keep this in check.

-Take mental breaks. Maybe you have a hobby or enjoy the outdoors. Find something to occupy your mind for even a moment...because lets face it, when you are TTC it is almost impossible to think about anything else.

-Journal. This was something I did faithfully. It's how I recognized (although after the fact) that I was dealing with depression. When your thoughts are penned to paper, they are no longer captive.

-Chocolate. Okay. This is not the best advice and I do kind of kid when I mention this one, but there is something about a moment with chocolate that makes the world seem momentarily right again.

-Cling to your faith. As a Christian, I did not fully rely on God to get me through that time. I admit it. I wanted to control something and while I could actually control none of it, I didn't turn to Him the way I should have. I was not in the Word faithfully, and I began feel like my prayers were rote as opposed to from the heart. I became numb. I didn't live what I truly believed. I lost sight of the fact that God is in control, that He has a beautiful plan for my life, and that His miracles take time. Delving into His Word helps to keep these truths fresh when Satan tries to tell us otherwise.

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I hope you'll find some comfort here, regardless of how you can relate. Remember it's not all in your head. What you feel is real. And maybe you are a friend of someone TTC. Use this information to your advantage.  Don't give advice. Don't pity. Be a friend. Be a shoulder. Pray.



It's Time to Share

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Two years ago this past Wednesday remains a very special day for my husband and I. It was the day our lives changed forever and our hearts’ cries were answered. It was the day I got my first BFP! (For those of you not familiar with the lingo that stands for a Big Fat Positive on a pregnancy test.) It was a time in our lives we’ll cherish forever.

Celebrating our BFP in August 2012

Now that we are on the TTC journey once again, I long for that same moment of initial disbelief. Every month that passes and does not result in fulfilling our dream for another child brings back the emotions that continue to haunt me. Doubt. Fear. Anxiety. Guilt. These painful feelings often make me feel less and alone.

This time around I’ve been doing things a bit differently to handle the emotions and thoughts that tend to come with repeated failure. 

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1. I’m talking. When we went through our first attempt at conceiving I did not tell anyone. When I realized our dreams may not come true I found it even more difficult to talk about our struggles. I battled depression silently. Relationships were negatively impacted and my faith became luke warm. This time I’ve come to realize the importance of talking about our struggles with infertility and that there is no shame in what we’re going through.

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People are surprised that we are struggling with infertility since we “already have a child”. What they fail to realize or maybe just don’t know, is that infertility doesn’t just “go away.” I don’t ovulate on my own despite weight loss and a change in eating habits and exercise. I have to rely on medication to help but this medication is only allowed for a few cycles due to its stress on the reproductive system. People also think that I should just be content with what we have. I do not ever want to sound ungrateful. I am so unbelievably blessed to be the mother to our daughter. She came to us after a very long time of trial and error, tears and heartache. 

She is not just my daughter. She is proof of God’s continued goodness and response to prayer. She is a miracle. 

I try not to feel guilty (although I have in the recent past) for wanting another when there are some who may never get the opportunity. I know how blessed I am. However, the desire to grow our family weighs heavily on both of our hearts (my hubby longs to add to our family as well) and we truly believe that God would not place such a passion in our hearts if He did not have plans to fulfill them. So please…don’t tell us to just be content with what we have. Also please don't tell us to "just adopt." It's not that simple...My hubby and I are very open to adoption and just like last time, we continue to pray about this option but do not feel led at this time to pursue this route. 

It’s so important for me to be able to be open about infertility. It is a real medical issue that is expensive, often requires life style changes, medication, and sometimes results in surgical and/or other invasive medical procedures…and yet, unlike diabetes or cancer, most insurances in most states do not cover anything related directly to infertility. I need to talk about this. I need to advocate. I need to let others know they are not alone.


2. This brings me to the next thing I’ve changed this go around. I’m reaching out. I’m learning what is available to me and what may or may not be beneficial. I changed medical professionals so that I was getting better care and I’m regularly trying to connect with others dealing with infertility. It doesn’t matter if you’ve been trying for 6 months or 6 years, every negative test and failed attempt breaks yet another piece of you. Ironically, it's been through this experience that I've found out just how strong I can be...

 

As a Christian, I sincerely believe God has a plan for my life and that His timing is perfect. I also believe however that due to sin’s presence in this world, there are things that we will face that require extra assistance. Infertility is one of those things. I’ve learned so much and have found a growing amount of support from connecting with others who are also facing infertility. 

 

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3. Getting in the Word. When we were TTC our daughter, my faith really fell into a dark, mediocre place. I prayed continually until I didn’t feel like I even knew what to say any more. There were times when I felt like my prayers were bouncing off the floor of Heaven. Was God really listening? The answer to that is yes. His love for me is woven through this journey we’ve been on and He will continue to rain down His love and grace on us as we carry on.

I’m in the beginning stages of starting a new Bible Study. I am SO EXCITED! God has brought some amazing women in my life and together we are going to start this journey in the Word. We can’t make it through all that infertility throws at us without a foundation in scripture. This is probably the most important aspect of my healing and motivation to continue hoping even when every part of me is tired of doing so. I need those precious reminders of His love and I need His words to rebuke the lies that Satan repeatedly tries to impress upon my heart and mind.

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I write all of this to say that I’ve also felt led to do a little blog series on Infertility Hurdles. Such topics will include (but not limited to) infertility’s impact on relationships, the physical, emotional and mental strain, and self-care. I hope you’ll join me as I begin this outreach opportunity. I am not an expert and can only provide insight from my perspective, experience and research. I don't pretend to know everything about the struggle. My journey is my own just as yours is to you. However, if anything I've experienced can make just one person feel encouraged than I've used the pain for good. It is a part of my testimony.

If you are struggling with infertility, please feel free to contact me. I truly feel God has brought me through something that I can no longer dismiss, especially since we are facing it once again. Don’t fight this alone. Get mad. Allow yourself to cry…but don’t lose hope.